by Rob Gunther
Look, I’m happy you’re all happy for me. Trust me, I’m happy too! I’m really, really happy to be here. I’m really thrilled, honored. Humbled, I said humbled, right? I’d just … this is all, well … I’m overwhelmed. I think I’m starting to have a panic attack. I’ve never found myself bombarded by such a constant wave of unusual stimuli. The applause, it doesn’t even sound like applause anymore. It’s just white noise, and it’s hurting my ears, please. Is this microphone on? The flowers, they’re up to my waist now. Is this ever going to stop?
What about you two? I didn’t even realize you were still standing right next to me. I had assumed you’d both leave after calling me up here. But, you’ve been standing right next to me this whole time? Clapping, still? Smiling? Isn’t this a little weird? Why aren’t you responding to me? Maybe the audience can’t hear me, but you’re standing right next to me. Hello? Hello! I’m pushing you. This is crazy. I have to be losing my mind. I’m probably having a stroke or something.
I’ll just read my speech and walk away. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for this award. I’m extraordinarily grateful for—ow! That one definitely had a thorn. And it went in my eye. I can’t do this. I can’t. I just … maybe I’ll just lie down here, maybe, I know it’s not a bed of rose petals, but it’s a bed of roses. The stems aren’t that much more uncomfortable. Yeah that’s nice. I think that one thorn was just an anomaly. But I’ll … I’ll just curl up right here, they have to stop clapping eventually. I mean, I’ll just wait them all out. I’ll just tear up my speech and stuff the pieces of paper into both ears, just let the roses pile up over me, blocking out the lights. I’m honored, I’m humbled, thank you again, but this is all just too much, much more than I expected, much more than anybody could have possibly prepared themselves for.
Andre ruined my karaoke night
I hadn’t heard from Andre in months. Our last falling out, that had to have been it, because we’ve had no contact since. I didn’t want to defriend him on Facebook, not again, because I didn’t want him going around showing everybody how petty I am. But I didn’t want to see him either, so I added him to my blocked list. Every once in a while I’d post something and he’d like it, but fuck that guy, that doesn’t count as contact. I guarantee you it’s something meta, like he’s liking it to be ironic, to make fun of me.
One time we were all hanging out and I was talking about how meta some show was, and Andre just calls me out, right in front of everybody.
“What does meta mean?”
Come on. And then I had to make up some answer, and then somebody else in the group said, “Well, you were right about that show being meta, but that’s not what meta means, so you’re obviously just repeating something you read online.”
Andre totally set me up for that. The rest of that night I tried to act like I wasn’t pissed off, because I’m not going to give anybody that satisfaction, but when he came up to me later and said, “Hey Rob, are you OK? You look pissed off,” I got super pissed, enraged, and I told Andre to just do me a favor and leave me alone.
And he did. That jerk. I think I need to change my whole group of friends. Everybody’s taking Andre’s side. Two weekends ago I sent everyone a text: “Let’s do a karaoke night.”
Everybody said, “Sounds great! Let’s do it!”
Guess who showed up? I don’t know why I’m even asking, because the answer’s going to be obvious. Andre.
“Who invited that guy?” I asked nobody in particular, but both Dave and Jeff actually answered.
They were both like, “Yeah I sent him a text and let him know we were all meeting up.” And they both did it independently. I organized this whole thing.
So Andre walked in and he immediately gave high-fives to Dave and Jeff, and then he came over to me, like, “What’s up man? What’s good?”
What’s good? Not a lot. Not anymore. I was really working on that song “Ariels” by System of a Down for karaoke. As soon as we got to the bar I wrote it on the paper, gave it to the DJ. Half an hour, forty-five minutes later, Andre showed up. I didn’t even see him write anything down. Or even go to the bar. He was there like ten minutes, someone just handed him a Yuengling, and all of the sudden the DJ was like, “Let’s give it up for Andre!”
And he got up there and it was “Chop Suey,” also by System of a Down. And he fucking killed it, the low parts, the high parts, everyone was going nuts. And now, what, I was supposed to get up there afterwards and sing a different System of a Down song? One that’s clearly not as difficult? An hour went by, two hours, the DJ never called my name. Whatever, it was for the best at that point. The whole night turned out to have been a bust anyway.
Andre was just standing there like there’s no beef, like he didn’t intentionally blow my Halloween costume last year. I had suggested to him, “Andre, I got the greatest idea for Halloween. You wear a shirt that says ‘Andre’ and I’ll wear one that says, ‘The Giant’,” because I’m so much taller than him. “It’ll be great.”
Because I wasn’t thinking that anybody would really dress up. I didn’t think it would be like a real costume party. Nobody told me anyway. So he showed up to the bar in that black single-strapped singlet, that curly black wig, and everyone was like, “Andre the Giant!” and I’m just standing there with this stupid “The Giant” t-shirt that didn’t make any sense.
I went up to him and I was like, “What the hell?”
And he was like, “Yeah, I didn’t really get what you were talking about. That didn’t make any sense. I thought you just meant Andre the Giant.”
What an asshole. And we were just standing here, everybody having so much fun, such a good time. I was just going to peace out, fuck this shit, fuck this bar, fuck this group of friends, and on my way out the door that DJ took the mic. “It’s going to be pretty hard to top ‘Chop Suey,’ but here to give it a shot is Rob with ‘Ariels!’”
I thought, well, maybe I could get up there, give it a go. I had been practicing, but nobody clapped or anything, and I think I already made too dramatic of an exit, I think, I don’t know who was paying attention, but I’m guessing everybody saw it because that bar wasn’t really that big.
Business Lunch
Hey Johnson, where are you headed, out to lunch? Not so fast, partner. March on over to Conference Room B. Lunch is on me. It’s on the company. It’s a business lunch. It’s Thai food.
What’s that, a magazine? Just leave it at the desk. No time for any leisure reading. Where are your spreadsheets? Better head back to the office and pick up those spreadsheets. Go ahead and print out a few more, a few extra spreadsheets for everybody. I told everybody else the same, lots of extra copies. You don’t have a pen? Don’t worry, I brought a dozen.
I hope you’re hungry. You’re hungry, right? Yeah, I actually ordered the food a little late, but that’s OK, it’ll be here soon. In the meantime, let’s get started with the business part of this business lunch. Now? You need to make a phone call right now? It’s a business call, right? A personal call? Look, I’m not one to tell everybody what to do on their own time, but, well, how do you think this looks? To the company? To the clients? Would you hire a consulting firm if the consultants were working on your project while juggling personal telephone calls?
Well if it’s not important I don’t know why you brought it up, or why you brought your personal telephone to this obviously business-oriented lunch. Why do you think the firm gave you a special business-only cell phone? I’m no tyrant. I didn’t say no phones at lunch. I was just saying only business phones at business lunch. And look, the food isn’t even here yet. Lunch doesn’t get more business than that.
Food’s here? Well, send it in. Thanks, just drop it off on Conference Table Annex C. No, that’s Conference Table Annex F. That one, over there in the corner. I don’t understand the problem, they’re all clearly labeled. That’s it, thanks a lot, Paco. Paco? Carlos, right. I forgot, sorry. Thanks a lot, Carlos. You see guys? Carlos is working. I’m sure he
’d like to be eating lunch. He’s probably eating something in between deliveries. Maybe some flautas. I’ve never tried flautas, but I’ve heard they’re delicious. Stephens, you ever eat a flauta? Why’s Carlos still standing here? Thanks, Carlos! You keep working! You’re doing great!
Classic Carlos.
Not just yet, we’re right in the middle of business. It’ll stay warm. Do you know how hot that stuff is? They make it really, really, really hot because they know it’s got to be delivered, and they know we’re a business, that we’re going to let it sit around for a little bit. You don’t just dive right in. Did you bring those spreadsheets?
What? I don’t know, regular Thai food. What do you call that stuff, pad Thai? Right? Those noodles? What else, I don’t know, some chicken? I didn’t order. Well, just take the meat out. What, is it an ethical or a dietary issue? Well I didn’t … come on, a free lunch is a free lunch.
Hey Morris, hit the lights and let’s get these PowerPoints rolling. Well, where’s the clicker? Jesus Morris, who normally sets these things up? You can’t just pull the screen down? I don’t see why a screen needs its own motor.
Hold on, let me get the IT guy up here. What’s that guy’s name, Manuel, right? Manny! Glad I got you. You’re not out to lunch are you? Well, how far away? Can you get back here? Yeah we’re right in the middle of a business lunch and unfortunately … yeah, the screen. No, we can’t find the clicker. Can you just get up here? I am looking. I don’t see it. I can’t find it. Just … OK, thanks Manny! You’re the greatest.
Classic Manny. You ever notice how certain people place a little too much emphasis on lunch breaks? I’m not trying to make a huge point but, you know it’s … never mind. It’s just that, well boys, you don’t make money eating lunch. You make money eating business. Not eating. Making. Making business. Doing business. Is Manny here yet? All right boys, might as well head back to work. No sense loafing around Conference Room B if nobody knows how to use it. We’ll just come back when Manny comes around. It’ll still be here. Thai food’s even better cold, or room temperature, it’s true. You know I think that’s how all Thai people prefer to eat their food.
No, you can’t go out. Because we’re at work. What about a lunch break? We’ve already wasted too much time sitting around this table not getting any work done. Actually, we’ve still got a lot of ground to cover. Better call up the wives and tell them it’s going to be a late day. Right, right, sorry, wives and boyfriends. Right, right, I forgot, and husbands. OK, chill out, husbands and boyfriends and life partners. Well, what do you want me to call them? Don’t worry, I’ll call a car service. I don’t know how late. Don’t worry, I’ll order some dinner, on the company. Flautas? It’s fine. Just grab an apple from the office kitchen. No apples? I thought I told Juanita to keep that office kitchen stocked. Classic Juanita. Marge? Her name is Marge. Huh. I just thought … you know, with the black hair and everything. She never really says much. Classic Marge. All right boys, back to work, let’s move.
Stupid goddamn idiot stupid morons
I just hate it when people cut me off in traffic. That’s so stupid. They’re so stupid. I’m trying to drive, too. And now they’re in front of me. Stupid idiots. And then they start driving really slow. That’s stupid, also. Like get out of my way, man, so stupid.
You know what’s really stupid? Hopscotch. Hopscotch is so stupid. Oh wow look at me, I’m a little kid drawing some stupid boxes with chalk. Oh and I don’t even know how to make all the boxes the same size because I’m such an idiot. And then I’m going to take turns with my idiot friends and we’re going to throw a bunch of stupid rocks over and over again. And we’re all going to look so stupid, just hopping around. Hop, I get it. Everyone’s hopping. But scotch? It doesn’t have anything to do with scotch. What a stupid name, hopscotch.
I would always try and run up to those idiot little kids and push them over while they were hopping around, pushing them right out of those stupid little boxes. Or I would just stand right in the middle of the hopscotch board. “Go ahead and try something,” I’d say, “you stupid idiots.” And some of those idiot kids would start crying and screaming, running away to go tell the teacher on me. But my teachers were all such idiots, such morons. I’d just throw my hands in the air and say stuff like, “What? Come on! I didn’t! No! That’s not true!”
And the teacher was so stupid. Eventually she’d just be like, “OK now, enough! All of you!”
Ha! All of us. Including those idiot babies playing stupid hopscotch.
The other day I went to go get a sandwich at the deli. I told that stupid deli guy, “No lettuce or tomato! I hate lettuce and tomato! OK? Got it?” Do you know what that stupid moron deli guy did? That idiot, you know what he put on my sandwich? Lettuce and tomato. That idiot! I said, “No lettuce or tomato!” and what does he put on my sandwich? Both of them. That stupid moron idiot stupid deli guy. What kind of an idiot puts lettuce and tomato on a sandwich when I clearly said, “Hey! You! I want a sandwich, but I don’t want any lettuce or tomato! Hello? Hello? No lettuce or tomato! Do you understand me? Does this guy understand me? No! Lettuce! Or! Tomato!” I don’t know why that stupid deli has to go and hire the stupidest people. Jesus Christ, it’s a sandwich, and I told him over and over again not to put any lettuce or tomato on it. That moron. What an idiot.
You know what else I just can’t stand? These idiot people around my neighborhood that keep walking their stupid dogs in front of my house. Keep your flea-infested mutt away from my house. Walk on the other side, you idiot. I always just stay by my front door and I say as loud as I can whenever a dog walker walks his smelly dog in front of my house, stuff like, “Stupid dogs! I hate dogs! Get that flea-ridden mutt away from my property! You goddamn nuisances!”
Or these stupid leaves. Every fall that stupid tree in front of my house starts losing its stupid leaves. What an idiot tree. I’m telling you, what kind of a tree keeps losing its leaves every single year? Come on! And one by one, right in front of my house. So I have to go out there with some stupid rake and I have to start raking these stupid leaves. Then when I’m done, that idiot tree is at it again, shaking in the wind, dropping leaves everywhere.
That reminds me. Did I tell you about that idiot sandwich guy yet? Please, don’t even get me started. If you went to a deli and ordered a sandwich, and you told that idiot deli guy over and over and over and over again, “Hey buddy! Did you put any lettuce or tomato on that sandwich? Hello? What is that? Is that lettuce? What about that over there, is that lettuce? Lift that up. Lift it up so I can see if there’s any lettuce or tomato under there,” what would you expect to find when you opened up that sandwich? I bet you it wouldn’t be lettuce or tomato. And what if you saw lettuce and tomato, not just one, but both, both lettuce and tomato? Wouldn’t you feel like an idiot? Wouldn’t you feel like that no good idiot goddamn stupid goddamn deli guy was just so stupid, the stupidest deli guy in the world, can’t even figure out how to not put lettuce and tomato on a goddamn sandwich? I’m telling you, this guy, I almost feel bad for him, for how stupid he is. I should have just made my own sandwich. Goddamn lettuce and goddamn stupid goddamn tomato.
My friend is friends with Keanu Reeves
I’m so pissed off. One of my friends moved into a new apartment building a couple of months ago. “You’ll never guess who lives in the building with me!” he started telling me. He was way too excited, way too happy. I could tell just by the look on his face that I’d wind up resenting whatever words came out of his mouth. “Keanu Reeves!”
Yup.
I tried to at least not look pissed off, but I probably didn’t do too good of a job. At least I didn’t go right ahead and tell him exactly what I was thinking, which was, so what? You live in the same building as Keanu Reeves? Big deal. Seriously, how is that at all news, at all something to be even remotely happy about, let alone gushing over with excitement? I live with tons of other people. I don’t even know anybody’s name.
What, do you
think all of the sudden because you happen to live in close proximity to a celebrity that you two are going to somehow hit it off? Be friends?
“Maybe he’ll knock on my door someday to borrow a cup of sugar!” my friend offered.
Please, nobody borrows sugar. That’s ridiculous. If ever found myself in the position where I was in the middle of cooking or baking something, and I realized that not only did I not have any sugar, but I needed a whole cup, like a whole package of sugar, I’d either run to a store and buy some or, more likely, I’d just give up the whole project right there and throw everything away. Because obviously I hadn’t thought this through. Obviously I got way too impulsive about baking, about just throwing a bunch of ingredients in a bowl without even bothering to stop and think to myself, wait a second, do I have any sugar? Do I know how to bake? I tell you what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to start knocking on a bunch of random neighbors’ doors asking them for free groceries. If somebody ever came to my house with an empty measuring cup in hand, I’d take the measuring cup, tell them to wait there one second, and then I’d go inside the house and lock the door. I wouldn’t answer for the rest of the day.