But she didn't want him to hold her. Once again, they'd wound up on opposite sides of things. He paced the room while she sat there. His brain whirling. Didn't they always wind up on opposite sides of things?
When he wanted to date, she said she couldn't. When he wanted her to move in, she wanted her own house without him. When he wanted to help with her kids, she didn't like the way he did it. Her voice finally came to him, breaking the melancholy of his thoughts.
"You may have that DNA in you, but you aren't like that." The words were soft, floating along behind him.
"I have it. And the truth is, you don’t know what I have in me." He put his hands on his hips, hearing the puppies whining from where they'd hid under the table when he and Shay started to fight. They were big enough now that they couldn't just run under the rungs between the legs of the chairs. Like any other parent, his gaze strayed to them, checking on them. He always felt better seeing they were okay. "But Shay, no one wanted a baby with that. Why would you want it now?"
"You're still half your mother." She said. As though that made up for it.
"I don't know anything about her. Even if she was some unlucky angel, I'm still half monster." He shrugged.
"You aren't!" She stood up as she protested, coming over to hug him. As if that would make him feel better.
He shrugged her arms off of him. "You don't believe it."
"Yes, I do." She stood there, hands at her sides, seeming unsure what to do with them in the face of the argument.
"No, you don't!" He blew up then. "You think I'm a monster who hits your kids! You packed them up so fast that I couldn't blink. You didn't speak to me and you didn't come back here until you needed something from me."
He took a deep breath. "Well, I need something from you. I need you not to have this kid. I need you to not link us together for the next eighteen years, because I can't handle it."
"Craig." She reached out to touch his shoulder, but he turned and walked away. "Craig." This time she said it with more force, and waited for him to turn around before she said more. "I talked to Owen."
"So? I'm happy for you."
"He told me that you only smacked Aaron's hands. And he told me what Aaron was doing to deserve it." She put her palms out as if to say she was sorry. But Craig didn't care.
"Oh, so it's okay if you hear it from a six-year-old, but not from me? That warms my heart." He pushed his lips together to keep more painful and hurtful things from spilling forth.
"He told me Aaron was stealing candy."
"He was."
"So why didn't you put it away?" She tipped her head forward, like she really wanted to know.
"Now? You want to talk about this now? You've already tried and convicted me based on the words of a three-year-old, and now you want to know?" He looked at her face, tear stained and sad. But his own had to convey his disbelief.
"I did do that. And I'm trying to be better about it now."
"Because you might be pregnant. Did you take a test?"
She shook her head. "Not yet. Honestly, I only realized it last night. So I wanted to come here first. I was hoping we could work things out."
He couldn't work things out. Not after the way she'd just dismissed him. Not when the reason she wanted to work things out wasn't him. It was never about him, so he told her. "I did put the candy away. I put it in a drawer, and then he snuck it from there, too."
"You told him 'no'?"
"No, Shay." Sarcasm dripped from his lips. "I gave him candy left and right then I smacked him for taking it. Don't be stupid."
That was when she flinched. He felt bad about doing it, about calling her stupid, but not bad enough to apologize. "He wouldn't stop."
"Did you put him on time-out?"
"Of course, I did. He wouldn't stay. And Owen didn't deserve to suffer for me sitting on Aaron for his bad behavior. He'd already lost time with the puppies. I had to keep taking things away from Owen when Aaron was bad. That's horrible. I had to put the puppies in the bedroom, just like it happened on Saturday because Aaron wouldn't leave them alone."
That seemed to get her attention. "He's been acting out lately. I told you, this has been a big transition for them."
"I'm sure it has been. But you letting him get away with it isn't helping at all. It's just turning him into more of a brat." Craig lashed out at her. He liked the kid. He really did. But it was hard to love Aaron when he was fighting with everyone and everything and making them suffer for it. Shay wouldn't let Craig do anything to stop it either.
"He's not a brat. He's three." She protested, angry now.
Good. It was easier to not want her when he was angrier at her.
"He's turning into a brat, Shay."
"He is not—"
"Shay." He interrupted her. "He hit me! He balled up his fist and hit me when we were out for a walk."
"And I took care of it." She protested again.
"No. You didn't. You took him from me. What did he learn? He learned 'hit Craig and then hit Mom.' I saw him hit you, too. You just moved his hand. No wonder he didn't stop." He was incredulous.
"He'll quit." She seemed so certain.
"When? Why would he?"
"Look, it worked with Owen."
Craig's mouth fell open. "Have you met your children? Owen is a very different kid than Aaron. Just because Aaron is three doesn't mean you can't see his personality. He wants to get into everything, he's curious. He needs a path for that and he needs to be shown when his methods are wrong or dangerous."
"What!" She was shouting now, making Scarlett and Gunnar whine slightly from their spot under the table. "You read a few parenting books and suddenly you're an expert? On my kids?"
"No, Shay." He backed down a bit. "I'm telling you what I saw. He pulled the puppies' tails and ears and wouldn't quit. They aren't toys to be taken away or put back on a shelf! I had to punish my kids because your kid couldn't play nicely with them. I should have put him away, but there was nowhere to do it, and he won't stay. Do you know what made Aaron behave better?" He was yelling again, but he didn't care. "When I smacked his hand. Not hard, but enough to let him know he had to quit. Enough so that he knew I wasn't going to sit around like a pansy-ass and let a toddler walk all over me! He's smart, Shay. He knows exactly what he can get away with. And you know what? He had a good time once he shaped up."
"I—"
"Shut up." He leaned in toward her. He'd had enough of her protests, enough of her telling him he wasn't good enough. "I'm not going to make anyone else suffer for Aaron's bad behavior. Not my dogs, and certainly not Owen. Aaron's not like Owen. Telling him 'no' and putting him on time-out are nice ideas, but they don't affect Aaron. If you'd been watching him, you might have seen that." He'd been reading the parenting manuals. He had prepped himself to be the best he could be at it. He did not mention that some of what he thought was good had come from the dog training book. But the part about big breeds and training applied. "The thing is, Shay, he's three now. And you're not stopping him from hitting people. Not you, not me, not Owen! What happens when he gets bigger and he doesn't know not to hit? What then?"
She didn't have an answer.
He wasn't sure his diatribe called for one, but he sure wasn't done. "What about what happened Saturday?"
"I have no idea." Though she'd listened, her face flinching as some of his remarks had no doubt hit home, she was angry again. "All I know is you took my kid to the ground over some imaginary infraction, and he hit his head on the floor."
"Yeah, he did. Good thing, too."
Her mouth fell open.
"Shay, he got a coat hanger from the closet. I told him to put it back. He did. Or he said he did. Then he got it out again. Since I'm not allowed to do anything other than say 'No, Aaron, please don't do that,' he got it out again and played with it. I put it back and closed the damned door. Then I saw him trying to poke it into the fucking outlet! That's what I stopped. I stopped him from electrocuting himself! So I'm glad
he hit his head and that's all it was!"
He expected her to absorb that. She didn't.
"Why weren't you watching him!?" She yelled.
"Why weren't you!" He hollered back. "You were here, too. Why didn't you take it away from him? Where were you when your toddler was trying to stick a coat hanger in an outlet?"
"You should have had outlet covers!" She was furious.
Just like that, he deflated. He was wrong. He should have had outlet covers. He hadn't child-proofed the house. He nodded. "I should have."
He waited a beat, then spoke again. "We can't have anything, Shay. You hide your kids behind your skirts, putting yourself in between any chance of them and me getting to be anything better than acquaintances. And you put them in between anything more growing out of this thing between us. You keep doing it. You keep blocking any path to something better. So don't come here and expect me to be happy about some pregnancy I don't want and didn't agree to. Don't expect me to want another kid for you to hold against me."
"I'm sorry." She whispered, moving toward the door. "It’s just that my boys are the most important people in the world to me."
"Trust me. You’ve made that very clear." He turned and opened the front door. His dogs had suffered enough, listening to them yell. Like always, nothing was solved. "I think you should go."
Chapter 38
Shay had marched out to her car and driven madly home, furious with Craig. What had she been thinking? She'd gone over there with a possible pregnancy as an olive branch and she'd been batted back. He didn't even want her to be pregnant, and he wanted nothing to do with her or the kid if she had it.
Once she turned that over in her head, she plopped down on the couch and cried her eyes out. Probably pregnancy hormones. She needed to take a test, but didn't know where to go. She should drive into Nashville proper, it felt like she saw all the same people in these suburbs. Almost like Bristol. Here her next door neighbor worked at the Walgreens down the street. So she couldn't go grab a pregnancy test there. And not at Kroger, either. She'd probably run into Kelsey.
She cried harder.
To top it off, Craig had a point. She'd given her other two kids some pretty bad starts genetically speaking, but she sure hadn't anticipated Craig's background. No wonder he didn't get adopted. Though she might not completely agree with his logic, he wasn’t wrong. No one wanted a monster's DNA in their kid. It wouldn’t change her mind, but it had clearly changed his.
He was also right that she'd fucked it up. She wasn't sure what she might have done wrong. She was pretty damn positive that she'd taken every pill on time, and she'd waited the requisite month before telling him, before making that their sole birth control. But it had been her responsibility, and she was late.
She thought about working, but that was as far as it got. The fabric had arrived for the ballet company, but she couldn't even open the box. Her tears would leave dirty mascara marks on the beautiful gauze. A knock at her door startled her to jumping off the couch and reaching for the Kleenex box on the coffee table. Only it wasn't there.
"One minute!" She hollered out, trying to sound normal and not like she was bawling her eyes out over bad fate while she frantically searched the house for a tissue box hidden by a child. Giving up, she reached into the hall closet and ripped open the spare box, blotting her eyes as she headed toward the door.
With a deep breath, she straightened her shoulders and hoped she could pull off a sane look for long enough to sign for whatever package was there or turn away whatever sales person had shown up. "Hello?"
"Hi." Kelsey stood on the doorstep alone. "Crying jag?"
Pulling the door back to let her new friend in, Shay nodded, feeling the tears start falling again. "That obvious?"
"A little, but the fact that you're hugging a fresh Kleenex box says a lot." She offered a sad grin. "I heard. I'm sorry."
At that point, Shay lost it. Big sobs came, taking her lungs through waves of gasping for air, as though the loss of Craig was also the loss of oxygen. A hand settled first on her back, then moved to become a hug, letting her cry it out.
She didn't notice until later when she'd exhausted herself that Kelsey hadn't even gotten her own coat off. When she finally seemed to deem Shay safe to sit on the couch by herself, she stood and shrugged out of it, revealing a round belly that led the way wherever she went. "I'm going to grab us both some ice water."
That was Kelsey. It wasn't a question, so Shay stayed on her couch, trying to breathe, while she listened to the other woman rattling around in her kitchen, trying to find glasses and scooping ice out of the freezer bin. Then Kelsey was in front of her, holding out the glass, once again gently demanding. "Drink some."
Shay scooted over so Kelsey could sit while she sipped at the cold water, admitting it felt good, and trying not to look at Kelsey's baby bump and wondering if she'd be there herself in a handful of months. Forcing her thoughts somewhere more productive, she turned to the other woman. "I don't know what you heard, and I'm sure you're here to kill me for breaking his heart, but . . ."
"Obviously yours is broken, too. That's the worst part." Kelsey commiserated. "Not everything works out." She waited a beat before adding, "I'm not going to kill you. I'm not sure which of you two to kill, or if it's even appropriate."
Appreciating the sentiment, Shay nodded her thanks. "Did he tell you what happened?"
Who knew what Kelsey had heard? Up until that moment, Shay didn't know if she'd have any friends left here besides Hailey. They were all in Craig's camp. She was consoling herself that there were plenty of other people in town and she'd make new friends as she went, just like the boys. But the boys liked Kelsey's kids. Owen looked up to Daniel, and Daniel was a great role model, taking time to do things at Owen's level with him. She sighed, wondering what she would tell the boys about how she'd screwed it up.
Kelsey grabbed her hand, holding it tight. "I'm not telling you what I heard. You and Craig either already figured it out, and that's why everyone's upset, or you'll have to figure it out in the future. I'm just here for moral support."
With that, Shay blurted everything out. "I think I might be pregnant."
It wasn't like Kelsey wasn't already aware of every freakin' sleepover Shay and Craig had. From the surprise on Kelsey's face, she hadn't heard that part of it before. Well, shit.
"Did you take a test?"
Shay shook her head first then said, "Not yet. But I'm late."
"Okay, so not a guarantee." She folded her hands, thinking. "Did you just now realize?"
Another head shake.
"Then why haven't you taken a test?"
"I'm afraid to buy one. I have to drive into town to be sure I don't see anyone I know." It sounded pathetic even to herself.
"Well, if you're anxious to know, I have a few at the house. No one will know you got one."
Shay laughed for the first time probably since she'd walked out on Craig a week ago. "No one will know except JD and all the kids and . . ."
This time it was Kelsey that shook her head. "I had spares from when we were trying. I got sad one day and bought an economy pack of tests. I'll bring you one when no one is looking."
Shay didn't respond.
"Still don't want to know?"
Another mildly amused giggle escaped her. "Are you a therapist?"
Kelsey's laugh was genuine and full. The easy laugh of a woman who had everything all figured out. The bolt of jealousy that hit Shay was like a taking a punch. "I've seen so many therapists in my time that I should have an honorary license. But I promise not to repeat back what you said. That always makes me want to hit people. I'm just asking the questions you may not be facing yet. You have limited time."
Shay nodded at that, thinking that Craig didn't want the kid. And it wasn't that he didn't really want it so much as he thought his line shouldn't continue. He clearly liked her kids. His insight into Aaron's curiosity and the differences between him and Owen were right on target. What
would she do if she was pregnant?
"Do you want this child?"
Kelsey's words stunned her. It was a question she hadn't asked herself. Not once. She had a deep-seated belief in not ending a pregnancy herself, but this one was raising a lot of questions, pushing at the boundaries of what she believed. Her words whispered out of her in a fog. "I don't know."
She'd wanted it with Craig. But—
Kelsey's voice cut through her thoughts. "I have to get going. JD will be back with the kids any minute now. I'll bring you a test tomorrow or maybe the next day if you can wait? Then you don't have to find time to drive to town."
Shay nodded as her friend shrugged back into her coat and headed for the door. Before she let herself out, she turned back. "You have a lot of thinking to do. Let me know if I can help in any way."
After a quick "thank you," Kelsey was gone and Shay was left alone with the deep thoughts that were plaguing her.
There was a picture in her head of herself, Craig, and the boys. Happy, together, as a family. Sometimes she inserted a bundle into the image, trying it out, seeing if it fit. She wasn't sure. She did know that the real Craig didn't fit the picture. The real Craig wasn't willing to compromise on the boys. He believed she was raising a brat. He wanted to tell her how to look at, and what to think about the boys she'd been raising almost entirely on her own for six years. As though his six weeks with some random visits gave him any insight.
The worst part was that even though he was trying, it still didn't work.
On that depressing note, she declared the day completely shot and trundled herself off to bed. At least if she got some sleep, she might be able to stay up late and make up for some of the seams she wasn't serging or the hems she wasn't turning.
Her alarm went off in time to meet Owen at the bus. She hoped her red face could be attributed to the wind, but her oldest was pretty insightful and he wasn't having any of her BS. At least he waited until he was into his peanut butter sandwich before asking things she didn't want to answer.
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