by C. L. Stone
Kota laughed, turning around. He caught me by the waist and picked me up off the ground until the boots almost slid off my feet. I was breathless and hot around my chest and neck with the coat on, even though my legs were numb.
“You missed,” he said, swinging me around.
“I got you in the back,” I said.
He released me and reached for his shoulder, brushing at the clump of slush. He turned back around, catching my chin and smiling. “Are you all satisfied with yourself now?”
“Yes.”
“Good,” he said and looked over my shoulder, winking at someone behind us.
That someone hooked fingers into the neck of my coat and dropped a big handful of snow down my back.
I stiffened, turning. Silas wriggled his eyebrows at me.
I playfully shoved at him, scooped up some snow and prepared to throw it but stopped short. He was standing still as if he didn’t care if I threw a snowball or not. Plus, he was wearing his coat. It made tossing at him less fun.
I changed my mind and was about to run off after Gabriel and Luke again when I did a second take at Silas. I thought of what I could get away with. Keeping my eyes on his, I hooked my fingers into the front of his pants and dropped the dripping snowball down the front.
“Shit,” Silas said, smacking my hand away and pulling back from me. He opened up his pants, shoving a hand in and moving things around, scooping out the little bit that remained and hadn’t already melted against his body. He shivered. “She even cheats at snowballs.”
“That wasn’t cheating,” I said, laughing, although it probably was. I felt a little guilty about it but Silas was smiling and that seemed to make it okay.
“How did you know it was snowing?” Victor asked. He’d been standing quietly to the side, his hands in the pockets of his long trench coat. His hair was nicely mussed on the side where he’d slept. His fire eyes were lit to a simmer, subdued for the moment, but still curious. I wondered if he was bored or too cold to participate, but he looked curious now.
I shrugged. “I just heard it.”
“What does it sound like?” he asked, stepping forward. His wavy brown hair fell across his cheek, a little longer these days. Even in pajama pants and a coat and just having woken up, he had an elegant look to him, and carried himself with his shoulders back, and his head high. “Can you show me?”
Heavy flakes were still falling around us. I’d been sure it wouldn’t last but it was building on the ground. If it continued after the sun came up, it’d turn into a slushy rain, which would get rid of the snow quicker. I looked around the yard. With the other boys playing and scrambling for snowballs, I wasn’t sure it was quiet enough to listen.
I held out my hand to Victor. “I’ll show you,” I said.
Victor perked up at this, as did Silas, Kota, and North. Victor took my hand. He lifted it and held it between his palms, at first warming my cold, wet fingers. I led him away from the snowball fight and toward the two palm trees in the back yard, and the opening they provided between them through the thick section of trees.
I crossed underneath the trees, heading into the flattened grass of the path in the woods behind Kota’s house. Once my hand had warmed a bit, Victor’s fingers intertwined with mine, his thumb sliding between my forefinger and thumb, smoothing out the skin on the back of my hand and warming me. I stepped until we were in the middle of the wide path, away from the hovering tree branches, and where we had a clear view of the clouds above us.
I stopped, stood still and listened. The snow fell around us. “Can you hear it?” I asked.
Victor lifted an eyebrow, shaking his head. “What am I listening to?”
I twisted my lips, finding it as difficult to describe as what music would sound like to someone who had never heard it before. Instead of answering him right away, I closed my eyes and listened harder. The wind blew softly, causing the snow to drift a little. The birds had stopped singing. Cars weren’t driving by. This was how I’d heard it up north. When it snowed, especially the first snow of the season, the world stopped, watching and waiting. Animals stopped moving. Birds were quiet.
I slowly curled my fingers into his palm, trying to warm them. “It’s like the world fell asleep, and all you can hear is it breathing,” I said, my cheeks heating as I realized it was probably stupid. I tried to correct myself. “It’s like fire crackle, very soft. The world’s just quiet enough to be able to hear it.”
Victor didn’t laugh. He covered his fingers over mine. Together we fell into the silence, watching our world blanket with snow.
I turned slightly to see if Kota and Silas were still there.
All six of the others were standing behind us, eyes open, quiet and listening. Their heads were crested with white, as I’m sure mine was. Nathan, Luke, and Gabriel were muddied and wet. Silas had his arms wrapped around himself. North's breath drifted from his nose in visible puffs. Kota touched the corner of his glasses, the lenses fogged at the bottom.
My heart melted like the snowflakes that landed on my cheeks. I don’t know how I knew it in just that moment, but I did.
Snowfalls were better with the boys.
As with many things in my life, they made everything better. Now that I’d experienced it with them, I wouldn't be able to imagine a snowfall without them. As much as they had things to show me, to teach me, I had my own little tricks to show them.
It was the first time I felt I was part of a family and wanted to go through many more experiences with them, sharing everything I knew, and exploring new places with them. I finally felt what it was like to have a family, where you cared what they thought, and wanted to share your world.
Our world. The boys and I. Dr. Green and Mr. Blackbourne, too. I wished they were here to share this. I knew someday, though, that they would be. I wasn’t sure how I knew, I could simply feel it. They were home.
My heart melted like the snowflakes that touched my cheek. I don’t know how I knew it in just that moment. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to. The moment I felt it inside me, I was sure it was wrong.
But I did.
I loved them.
All of them.
And that was the worst feeling I could have because the plan I knew about, the plan some of them wanted and the others struggled with... This new feeling inside of me troubled me terribly.
If I really cared about them, how could I ask them to do something so difficult?
SECRETS TOO FRAGILE
I was one of the last people to return to the house at the finale of the snow fights. When Luke finally admitted defeat due to being too cold, we returned to the house. We left our boots by the back door, and Luke went to find out if the downstairs shower was open.
I went upstairs, finding Kota’s bedroom empty, but the bathroom occupied.
Shivering in my soggy clothes, I contemplated whether I should go downstairs, or strip in the closet and put on warm clothes there.
The warm-looking bed called to me, and I kept my clothes on, crawling between the sheets. I suspected Kota or one of the others would yell at me, but I was too cold to wait for a bath, and stripping in the closet meant I’d get even colder once my skin was bare.
The sound of the shower spraying in the bathroom was starting to get to me, too. Lately, that had become very hard to ignore.
I pulled the pillow over my head, appreciating that it was helping to get my face warm, and using it as a sound barrier.
A hand grabbed my ankle and then tugged at the blanket, but I held on, keeping it where it was.
"Sang," Kota said, his voice muffled through the pillow. "Don't fall back asleep."
"I'm too cold to get up," I said.
"Let me walk you to Nathan's house," he said. "We’ll shower over there. The hot water here will probably run out soon. It’s probably gone already, even with the new bigger tank we installed. My mother is up, and so is Jessica and they've already had their showers."
The thought of trekking over the ro
ad through the cold and snow back to Nathan's house wasn't appealing. I had just started to warm up underneath the blankets. Still, I shivered after all the excitement had drained away. We’d gotten up too early, and now I just wanted to get warm and sleep.
"I'm fine," I said. "Just wake me up in a few hours." It was meant to be a joke because there was no way they would let me sleep after I’d woken them so early over snow.
"Hurry up," he said. He rubbed his hand over my calf, warming me a little over the blanket. "You're not going to want to miss pancakes."
With Erica at home, there would be chocolate chip pancakes. It was what Luke requested every time we were together. The thought of melted chocolate and maple syrup made my stomach rumble. I pushed the pillow and blanket away in a heap and was hit by a new wave of cold air against my wet clothes. A shiver started at the base my spine and moved upward through my body, finishing at my neck. I gritted my teeth. “Cold,” I bit out.
Kota stood over me, wearing a clean pair of jeans and a new green sweatshirt. His brown hair was still a little damp, combed neatly to one side of his face. I suspected it was something Gabriel had suggested, slightly different for Kota, but stylish.
The thought of getting back into my boots in my bare feet caused another shiver. “The boots are going to be icy,” I said.
He gave me a considering look before he said, "I was going to pick you up, but I don’t want to drop you on the stairs," he said. "Just get to the garage. I’ll carry you over so you won’t have to put your boots back on.”
I winced as I stood, feeling guilty for being such a baby. I was the one who’d walked outside in my bare feet. I was the one from Illinois who was supposed to be used to the cold. Cold was still cold, though, no matter where you’re from. And I was freezing. “You don’t have to do that,” I said. “I can run over. Just go ahead of me and open the door.”
Kota smirked and then turned toward the stairs, but before we started to descend, his bathroom door opened. Victor stepped out wearing only his usual black slacks and a towel around his bare shoulders. His torso was trim with delicate lines around his abdomen and deep indents at his hips. His wavy hair was still wet from the shower and appeared much darker than normal, almost black and contrasted against his light skin. His fire eyes were dim; he looked tired. He noticed at us at the steps and raised a smooth brown eyebrow. "Is she showering downstairs?"
"I'm taking her over to Nathan's house," Kota said. "There's not enough hot water now."
Victor dragged his eyes from Kota to me. "She prefers baths," he said. "Your bathroom has a tub."
He was the only one that knew about my fear of showers. I shivered where I stood and not just from the cold. I didn’t want to talk about showers right now. "I can take one in the other bathroom," I said.
Victor pressed his lips together as he looked at me for a long moment. Then he nodded slightly and turned toward the closet, picking through the hanging shirts.
Since he didn’t say anything else, I assumed had kept his promise not to tell the others until I was ready. As I descended the stairs behind Kota, I hoped he understood why I hadn’t said anything to Kota this time.
Being cold wasn’t the only reason. I didn’t know where to start. Every time I hesitated, I felt the guilt of holding back. At first, it seemed such a stupid little thing to worry about when we had real worries like Mr. Hendricks and his people following us, Mr. McCoy hunting for me, and all the other problems we had been facing. Maybe back then when it had first come up, it had been the wrong time to talk about something like that.
Now, after almost a month of quiet, of all of us going about our routines, and forcing Mr. Hendricks to stay put by not drawing attention to ourselves, I could have told them but I hadn’t. At first, I didn’t want to trouble anyone with a new problem. It’s not like they could have solved it, anyway. All I had to say was that I wanted a bath; no one had questioned it.
Still, I knew it was probably best to tell them. I wanted to wait until I got a moment alone with Victor; maybe he could help me figure out how to tell one of the others.
I followed Kota to the back door, and the salty, greasy smell of bacon frying hit my nose as we passed near the kitchen, making my stomach rumble.
Kota encouraged me on. “Hurry and get a shower in,” he said. “By the time you get back, it’ll be ready.”
I got out in the garage before he had a chance to close the door behind him and descend the few stairs. The big door was open, and I could see the snow had already started to get soggy and melty, only patches remaining now that it had warmed up. There was the start of a very soggy snowman at one corner of the house, the one we had given up on when the boys finally realized they wouldn’t be able to collect enough snow before it all melted.
My clothes were sticking to me, and I sniffed as my nose started to run. I wiped at it with the sleeve of my jacket.
Kota came up behind me. “You sure you don’t want me to carry you?”
I looked over at him. “No, it’s okay.
He grinned at me and then blurted out, “Ready, set, go!” before he took off in a jog.
Finding a spurt of energy, I raced behind him, catching up only when we got to the road. Once he realized I was about to leap ahead, his run turned into a faster sprint, aiming right for Nathan’s front door.
I was breathing in cold air and had to go around the wet grass so I wouldn’t slip on it in my bare feet.
He was able to get the key in the door right before I crashed into him, breathing heavily. The short run wouldn’t normally have winded me so badly, except I was already exhausted from playing earlier.
I leaned on him, tired and needing support.
Kota eased me back a bit. “Hang on,” he said with a chuckle. “I can’t open the door and hold you at the same time.”
I pulled back, waiting. Kota opened the door and reached back around my waist to pull me against him, picking me up to carry me into the hallway.
I was met with a wave of heated air—Nathan’s house was warmer than Kota’s—and I breathed in deeply, catching the leather and wood scents of the house.
Kota locked the door behind us and urged me on. I shuffled forward, and then stopped and listened when I heard an unfamiliar sound.
Someone was in the bathroom in Nathan’s dad’s room. I was usually the only one who used it since everyone else liked Nathan’s new shower.
Kota turned his head toward the sound. “Looks like someone beat you to it,” he said, before turning me toward the hallway bathroom. “You’ll have to settle for a warm shower instead of a bath.”
A memory of being inside the shower at Victor’s house sent waves of nausea to my empty stomach. I almost whimpered but coughed to cover it. “I could wait.”
“You’re freezing,” Kota said with a chuckle, though his eyes were concerned. “Your lips are turning blue. You need to get warm.”
As I stood still in the kitchen, hesitating, I touched my lips. The sprint here and fear were warding off the cold, but that wasn’t the point. I pressed my lips together, secretly hoping whoever was in that bathroom would finish quickly. There wasn’t an argument I could make that would make sense.
I could wash in the sink, but wouldn’t he notice if I never turned the shower on?
Before I could say anything, Kota moved ahead of me to the hallway bathroom. He opened the door, turning on the light, looking at the fog on the mirror. “Someone’s been in here already,” he said. “Hopefully, there’s some hot water left.”
I stood in the doorway, holding myself together as Kota got a towel from the linen closet. “Go find some clothes so you can change,” he said.
I escaped to the bedroom, finding some breathing space as I searched in Nathan’s closet. Not a big deal. So I’d go into the bathroom, wait until Kota was distracted and wash up in the sink. I pressed a hand to my chest, over my heart beating rapidly against my ribs. I searched for clothes that would be appropriate to wear today since it was cold. I found
a pair of black cotton slacks and a large sweater that would fall over my hips and grabbed underwear and a bra.
I dropped all of the clothes at the sound of the shower turning on in the bathroom.
“Sang!” Kota called out to me. “Hurry up. I’m getting the water ready.”
I gasped in panic. I bent over, picking up the clothes with shaking hands and hugging them to my body so I wouldn’t drop them again.
But I couldn’t stand up. I remained frozen in fear, knees bent, head down, eyes closed. The patter of water spray hitting the shower tiles echoing in my head was all I could hear.
Telling myself to calm down, I tried to talk myself into moving. I could go into the bathroom. I had gone in before with Nathan when he thought he might be hurt. I didn’t have to actually go into the shower stall. The water didn’t have to touch me.
“Sang?” Kota called, his voice louder.
I forced myself to stand, to suck in some air and draw some courage. Don’t look at the shower. Just walk in and face the sink.
I turned, carrying the clothes close to my chest.
I passed Kota in the hall, although I didn’t say anything.
“It’s ready,” he said quietly. “You have everything?”
I nodded quickly, and before I could reconsider, I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door.
The shower was much louder now. I stood with my back pressed to the door, staring at the floor, and the clothes in my arms. The cold tile chilled my already cold feet. Steam drifted to me from the running shower, and I breathed in the warmth.
I was still standing. That’s progress, right?
I put the clothes down on the counter and I started to strip out of the soggy things.
In order to not pay attention to the shower, I spent a lot of mental energy focusing on each task. Remove pants. Remove shirt. Strip off bra.
Once I was naked, I considered how to clean up. I sucked in a breath, found a washcloth in the bathroom closet and kicked the wet clothes away from the counter.