Unfortunately, I’ve also been shrunk down to the size of a spider.
Yours,
Paul Parker
Dear Paul
You are doomed. Try not to get trodden on.
Yours Sneeringly,
The Aunt of Agony
Dear Aunt of Agony,
I have managed to get the Hogweed, collected at the right time, and even the ground-up bones of a murderer hanged at a crossroads. Salt water too, that was easy obviously, but I am having trouble finding a bird called a Storm Crow.
Can you help?
Yours,
Laura Wibblebottom
Dear Laura,
What the…? How in the Nine Hells did you get..? Well, anyway. Umm… Storm Crow feathers – I think I can help you with that.
PM me.
Yours Sneeringly,
The Aunt of Agony
This issue of the Dark Times
brought to you by the Great Dirk!
Yours Unfaithfully,
I, the Dark Lord, Master of the Legions of Dread and
Sorcerer Supreme, etc
Sunday, the first of December, in a clearing in a forest in Sussex, England. Several figures stand in a semicircle around a small boy, aged about thirteen years old. Two of the figures are of the same age. The other three are a tall human warrior, a horned and scaled winged demon and a Goblin. Typical Sussex crowd, really.
The small boy was telling the others what to do.
‘So, mission name: The Tears of Grief! Ultimate goal – feed one of the Black Hag’s tears to Hasdruban – he gets all sympathetic and nice, we make peace, everyone lives happily ever after.’
They all nodded, except for Rufino.
‘One does not simply walk into the Caverns of Grief and take a tear,’ he said.
‘Indeed. But that’s what we’re going to do. So the plan is that we use a Magic Hole and all of us travel to the Caverns of Grief.’
‘Well, at least we’ll be going in force. Where are these Caverns, exactly?’ said Rufino.
‘In the Ash Mountains,’ said Dirk.
‘Where them Highland Orcs live?’ said Skinrash.
‘Yup, that’s it. Not that far from home, in fact,’ said Dirk.
‘So, when it’s all over, we go home easy?’ said Gargon.
‘Yes, that’s the plan. We use a Magic Hole, and all of us go to the Caverns of Grief. We’ll confront the Black Hag and demand a tear. Hopefully, she’ll realise she’s got no chance against all of us, and just hand one over – cry into a bottle or something.’
‘Really? She’ll give up just like that? I mean, one scratch from her and you’re dead,’ said Chris, ‘She could take us all down!’
Dirk held up his hand, showing the ring on his finger. ‘You forget, Chris, I’ll have the Great Ring of Power, and it’ll be working fine over there. Not to mention Gargon and Rufino, who are two of the greatest warriors in the Darklands, ever.’
Chris nodded at that. ‘That’s true. OK, I get it,’ he said.
‘Not to mention the antidote,’ said Dirk.
‘Antidote?’ said Rufino.
‘Yup, I have created an antidote to the Malefic Taint. As soon as I have made enough for each and every one of us to have a dose, we’ll be able to start our great quest.’
‘Huh, Dark Master is clever!’ grated Gargon.
‘You’re a genius, your Braininess,’ said Skinrash obsequiously.
‘Yes, yes, enough of the flattery,’ said Dirk.
‘Really?’ said Sooz.
Dirk gave her a look. She smiled back. ‘OK, so chances are she’ll just give us a tear, I can see that – Ring, Gargon, Goblin, Paladin etc. What then? Presumably Gargon, Rufino and Skinrash stay in the Darklands, the three of us kids come back home? How?’
‘Well, that’s something to think about,’ said Dirk. ‘We can come home, using the last Anathema Crystal. Or we could stay in the Darklands…’
Sooz frowned. ‘All three of us?’
‘Yeah,’ said Dirk. ‘You and I could be Dark Lord and Lady, we could live in the Iron Tower and rule, like I…I mean we! Like we were born to.’
‘And you’d have the Ring of Power?’ said Sooz.
Dirk stared at her for a moment. Rufino folded his arms, following the conversation with interest, as did Gargon. Skinrash meanwhile, was itching a buttock and looking at the birds in the trees, clearly bored.
‘Yeah…’ said Dirk. ‘I’d have the Ring.’
‘So it’d be like last time, you as the Dark Lord, me as…well…what, exactly?’ said Sooz.
‘No, it wouldn’t be like that! It’ll be me, Dirk, just me, and…’
‘What about me?’ said Chris. ‘How do I fit in then? General dogsbody and lackey, is that it?’
‘General Dogsbody? Is that a title? Sure, you can be… Oh, I see… No, no, you’d be…whatever you want. Err…the Mouth of Dirk or something!’
‘Meh, sounds like a lot of tosh to me. Last time all I got out of it was this scar,’ said Christopher, fingering his cheek. ‘Anyway, what about Hasdruban? He’ll still be here, won’t he?’
‘Yes, true, but once we’re in the Darklands, he’ll go back to his White Tower, and it’ll be much easier to face him in the Darklands with an army of Orcs and Goblins behind my back!’
‘But much harder to feed him a tear,’ said Sooz.
‘And you think he’s just going to go home, do you?’ said Chris. ‘What if he decides to kidnap my mum and dad, or Sooz’s mum? Use them as hostages. Or some other nefarious plan while we’re away?’
Dirk blinked. He was about to say, ‘I hadn’t thought of that…’ but then thought better of it. Didn’t want to let them know he’d missed a trick there. He frowned. Why hadn’t he thought of that? It’s what he would have done…
‘He’d do it too,’ said Sooz, ‘he’s that ruthless!’
‘True, he would,’ said Dirk. ‘Of course he would, I knew that – I was just exploring possibilities – you know, options and such.’
‘Well, definitely sounds like we’ll have to come back here, deal with Hasdruban first,’ said Sooz.
‘But then we’ll be marooned on Earth with no way to get home,’ said Dirk.
‘Your home, Dirk. We’ll be where we belong,’ said Chris.
‘Anyway,’ said Sooz, ‘I’m sure we can work something out once the Hasdruban threat’s been neutralised. You can get Agrash to get another Hole or something.’
‘Yes, indeed. The sound is good,’ said Dirk.
‘No, that’s “sounds good”…oh, forget it. How will you feed a tear to that madman, Hasdruban?’ said Chris.
‘Actually, I’ve got an idea for that,’ said Dirk, ‘but we have to get a tear first!’
‘It is a plan that might even work,’ said Rufino. ‘One question, though: six of us have to go through that Magic Hole. One of them is seven foot tall with huge wings. Will we all fit in, and will it stay open long enough for us all to get through?’
‘Good point,’ said Dirk, ‘And the truth is that I don’t really know. Well, Gargon will fit, I know that – the Hole expands and contracts. But what I don’t know is how long it will stay active. We’ll have to take our chances.’
‘We’d better work out who goes first then,’ said Sooz.
‘Yeah,’ said Dirk, ‘I thought me first – I’ll have the Ring and I’m the most important.’
Chris and Sooz both folded their arms, brief flashes of irritation flitting across their faces. Dirk went on, oblivious, ‘Then Gargon – he’s the toughest, I’ll need him on the other side, then Rufino, then Skinrash, then Sooz and then finally Chris.’
‘Oh, so as usual I’m the least useful and the last to go. I mean, why bother? Why should I go at all?’ said Chris angrily.
‘You’re my friend, Chris. I need people I can trust!’ said Dirk.
‘Oh please, you’ve got me last, you don’t even need me – why pretend any more? You treat me like dirt, take me for granted all the time!’ said
Chris, his voice rising.
‘Maybe he is right, best leave him behind,’ said Rufino. ‘No offence, Christopher, your heart is true, but the Caverns are a dangerous place for an Earth boy.’
Christopher harrumphed angrily. ‘Yeah, wouldn’t want to be a burden,’ he said. ‘Anyway, what do you know about my heart?’ he added, muttering under his breath.
‘No!’ said Dirk. ‘I need you. Tell you what – here you are, Chris, here is the Anathema Crystal.’ He reached into his pocket, drew out the crystal and handed it over. ‘You are the Keeper of the Crystal, charged with making sure we all get back home to Earth safely!’
Rufino exchanged a look with Sooz. He didn’t think this was such a good idea. Sooz shrugged. ‘Actually, after the last time, I think it’s a really good idea for Chris to have the crystal,’ she said. ‘Better than Dirk having it.’
Chris seemed a little mollified by that. He took the crystal from Dirk – a tad grudgingly, but he took it and placed it in his satchel.
‘See!’ said Dirk. ‘Now you are extremely important to the whole venture – so you have to go second, after me. Without you, no one gets home!’
‘Are you sure about this, Dirk?’ said Rufino. ‘The Black Hag is deadly!’
‘Don’t forget, though – we’ll have a dose of antidote each. And I know it works, we tested it on the White Witch, remember?’
‘That’s true,’ said Sooz. ‘It’s not nearly as bad as it sounds.’
Skinrash piped up, ‘Everyone gets some antidote? Even Goblins?’
‘Yeah, even the Goblins,’ said Dirk with a chuckle. ‘OK, then. Is everyone set?’
‘Suppose so,’ said Chris.
‘Yup, got it, dude,’ said Sooz.
‘Yes, your Superlativeness!’ said Skinrash, though he didn’t look too happy about it.
‘Aye, your Dirkness,’ said Rufino.
‘Gargon get it, my Dark Lord!’ he grated.
‘Right then, Skinrash, Gargon and Rufino camp out here. Me, Chris and Sooz will return here on Monday night at 7 pm after school. I’ll have enough antidote by then.’
December 1st 2013 Dirkmas 1st
Shoddy workmanship? Amateur? How dare they! It’s one of my best Goblin designs!
Dirk jumped into the glowing black hole in the ground and yelled at the top of his voice, ‘The Caverns of Grief!’
In an instant, he was engulfed in total darkness. He found himself rushing through some kind of magical tube, like the ones in water parks – a Helter Skelter of Doom. Strange faces and images flashed by with shrieks and howls and horrific screams. Phantasmal skeletal hands reached for him, cobwebs brushed his face, and spectral heads leered at him out of the dark. Fortunately for Dirk, he was used to this sort of thing, and rather liked impenetrable shadows filled with shrieking pale skulls and ghostly faces. He began to think how he could go about recreating the whole experience as some kind of amusement park ride. The Dark Lord’s Helltour Skullter or something.
Suddenly, he popped out into bright sunlight and crashed on to a dusty, ash-covered slope. He sat up, a little dazed by his breakneck descent. He was on the side of a bone-white mountain, its stony surface bleached in the harsh light of the sun. It was dry and hot, and virtually nothing grew there. The air almost burned your lungs when you breathed it in.
Suddenly, a screaming boy crashed on top of him.
‘Arrr…ow!’ howled the boy.
‘Get off me, you little earthling!’ said Dirk.
‘What, what,’ said Chris, looking around in confusion. ‘Wow, that was terrifying…’
Dirk looked up – his eyes widening in shock. ‘Move, move,’ he shouted, bundling himself and Christopher aside.
Just in time… A massive, winged, scaled and horned creature came crashing out of the sky to land in a great cloud of dust just where Chris and Dirk had been sitting.
‘Roaaawrh!!!’ bellowed Gargon. ‘That was fun!’
‘Yes, yes, all very well, Gargon, but get ready, here comes Rufino!’ said Dirk. Above them, a tall figure came plummeting, his face white with shock. Gargon was ready, though – he stood up smartly and caught Rufino in his arms.
For a moment, Rufino lay there, his arms around Gargon’s neck, looking up at him like a baby.
‘Awww, look, diddums,’ said Chris in an exaggerated baby voice, glad to be distracted from the nightmare journey he’d just undergone. Dirk burst out laughing, his laughter echoing around the mountainside, a sound that probably hadn’t been heard there in a thousand years or more.
The great demon and the mighty Paladin blinked at each other in embarrassment.
‘Umm…you can put me down now,’ said Rufino.
‘Yeah, Gargon put you down, now!’ gravelled the demon, pretty much dropping Rufino like a hot potato.
Dirk frowned. ‘Wait a minute,’ he said, ‘who’s next – Skinrash? He should have been here by now.’
‘Could be the Hole has closed up,’ said Chris. But then another figure appeared in the air above them, her face a mask of terror – Sooz!
‘AAAAAArrgghgh!’ she screamed.
Gargon stepped forward and caught her neatly in his great arms, taking care not to scratch her with his taloned hands.
Sooz looked up at him.
‘Thank you, Gargie,’ she said, before resting her head against his mighty chest, taking a moment to get her breath back and to recover from the terrifying ghost train of a ride. Gargon looked down at her tenderly.
‘That’s all right, my Lady, Gargon happy to help,’ he grated, an expression of tender care on his fanged visage. Well, probably – it was actually quite hard to tell what his expression was, unless you knew him well.
‘So,’ Dirk coughed. ‘Back to the matter in hand. Where’s Skinrash?’
Sooz got down out of Gargon’s arms. ‘Well, I watched him jump into the Hole all right, but then I think…maybe he got the words wrong.’
‘By the Nine Hells, that could be dangerous! What did he say?’
‘Umm…’ hesitated Sooz.
‘What? I mean, if he’s pronounced it wrong, the Hole might dump him somewhere at random, or inside a mountain or something awful like that!’ said Dirk.
‘Well…’ said Sooz, rubbing her chin.
‘Come on, what did he say, exactly?’ said Dirk.
Sooz sighed. ‘He said…he said, “The Goblin Warrens”. I’m sorry, Dirk!’
Dirk’s face fell. Betrayed? By a Goblin? And he’d treated him so well, more like a friend than a minion, feeding him corned beef and custard and stuff. Hah, that’s what you got for being a softie!
‘Oooo, that little…’ said Dirk, his hands clawing up in anger.
‘Terrible cowards, Goblins,’ said Rufino. ‘Always were – not like Orcs.’
‘So, what – he just went home, is that it?’ said Chris.
‘Yes, indeed,’ said Dirk, a little calmer now. ‘Home to the Goblin Warrens. I should have known after the last time.’
‘Doesn’t really matter, though – we still have Gargon and Rufino and the Ring,’ said Sooz.
‘By the Dark Gods, of course, the Ring!’ said Dirk, holding up his hand and gazing at the great Ring of Power.
It was glowing, the runes coruscating with crimson fire, a strange, dark light emanating from it, shrouding Dirk in its magic. Dirk turned to look at his shadow – it was huge, goat-legged and horned, just like his Dark Lord form, before the Essence of Evil was sucked out of him, cursing him into the body of a puny human boy.
Dirk admired the shadow, and cackled to himself. ‘Anyway, we’ll deal with Skinrash later!’ he said.
‘You won’t…you know, be too harsh or kill him or anything, will you?’ said Sooz, exchanging a nervous glance with Chris. The last time they were in the Darklands with Dirk and the Ring, things hadn’t turned out so well.1
‘No, no, of course not! I’m a Dark Lord, sure, but the boy, not the beast. I’ll just put him on latrine duty or something,’ said Dirk.
They we
re standing in a bleached-bone cleft of mountain rock. On three sides, the mountain rose up, pale and rocky, to a bright blue sky. Wisps of volcanic smoke came from the peaks.
‘Welcome to the High Sierra of the Ash Mountains,’ said Dirk. ‘Down that ridge a way, you’ll find pleasanter climes, where the Highland Orcs grow crops on their terraces, raise mountain goats, and live in their caves and hill forts, raiding down into the Borderlands from time to time. But up here, no one comes.’
‘I suppose that’s the entrance, right?’ said Rufino, pointing to a yawning black opening in the mountainside nearby.
‘Yes, the Caverns of Grief, the Lair of the Black Hag,’ said Dirk portentously, gesturing at the yawning maw with his ring hand. The Ring trailed wisps of darkness as it moved.
Everyone gazed at the Cavern’s mouth with trepidation, until Chris broke the spell.
‘Well, no point in hanging about,’ he said, setting off towards it.
He was no coward, you had to give him that, thought Dirk to himself.
They trudged over, their feet throwing up little puffs of pale ash. Soon they arrived at the Cavern’s entrance. They stood for a moment, staring at the dark opening, the dragon’s maw, the lion’s mouth. Did they really have to go in?
1. Read Dark Lord: A Fiend in Need to find out what happened last time.
Into the unknown they stepped.
They expected some kind of relief from the dry heat, but although it was cooler, it was still dry and parched in the dark cave.
The band of intrepid adventurers paused to get their bearings. Dirk held up his ring hand – from it pulsed a shadowy grey light. It did not dispel the dark like regular light, rather it replaced the dark with something that was… well, less dark.
They were in a vast cavern of crumbling rock. Underfoot, bones and ash crunched – animal bones mostly, by the look of them. At least they weren’t human bones, which was a small comfort to Sooz and Chris. Directly overhead, the roof was so far away it was shrouded in shadow. But it sloped down ahead to meet with the walls that slanted in at the sides, leading to a large, square-topped archway.
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