She’d heard horror stories for years of Clay’s dad’s temper. Most of them came from Peter; Clay didn’t like to talk about his dad. The man ruled his empire and everyone in it. Any deviation from his dictates led to immediate retribution and threats to disinherit. It was clear, if Clay chose a path other than the one his father had lined up for him, there would be hell to pay.
“Clay, I think you should wait. I mean, there’s no reason to get him all worked up.”
He looked at her as if she were crazy. “I don’t care if he’s furious.”
Lily noticed he didn’t say he didn’t care if his dad was mad, he’d used the word furious. And that just confirmed her fears. “Maybe you can ease him into it over the course of the year. If he cuts you off, you won’t be able to finish school.”
“I don’t care!” His voice rose. “Don’t you see? It doesn’t matter.”
“But if you don’t finish school, what will you do?”
“Finishing school isn’t more important than us! I’m not going to law school. I’m not joining his firm.”
“I’m not saying we’re not important. And I’ve always known you didn’t want to be a lawyer. But you’re so close to getting your degree. I don’t want you to do something you’re going to regret in the long run.”
He looked at her as if she’d just slapped him in the face.
“Be reasonable, Clay. We’ve waited this long. It won’t hurt to keep it to ourselves a while longer.”
“Are you having second thoughts?” There was an edge of accusation in his voice.
“Of course not.” She put a hand on his cheek. “I love you. Another year isn’t going to change that. Anyone else knowing isn’t going to change it. It’s not worth throwing everything away right now.”
“It’s worth it to me.” He grabbed her shoulders. “I’m willing to throw everything away for you. Nothing else means anything. I don’t care if the bastard cuts me off without a penny.”
He was so fixed on his course of action, nothing she said seemed to sink in. “At least wait awhile, test the waters and see how it works out.”
“Why are you so anxious for me to wait? If he cuts me off, he’s going to do it now or later. Once I tell him, nothing will change that outcome. I’ve made up my mind.”
She pulled away from his grasp. “So that’s it—you’ve made your mind up and nothing else matters?”
“I’m fed up with him running my life. I’m ready to end it.”
She tried to soften her approach; he seemed to be sliding further and further down this slippery slope. She didn’t want to be the ruination of his life. The day would come when he would undoubtedly resent her for it. “Please. Think about what you’re doing.”
“I’m taking charge of my life. He’s pushed me around long enough. I can’t stand it.” He buried his hands in his hair and fisted them there. “My God, Lily, you don’t know what it’s like!”
“You’ll be at school. You won’t even have to see him. Once you’re finished, then you can talk to him. Why are you so bent on destruction?”
“Destruction? Is that how you see it? I see it as devotion—to you. I guess maybe you don’t feel the same way.”
“Ooooooh!” she made the noise through gritted teeth. “Don’t turn this on me! You know how I feel.”
“I’m beginning to see that very clearly. ‘Don’t tell Peter.’ ‘Don’t tell your dad.’ Yes, it’s all becoming crystal clear.”
“You know that’s not why I asked you to wait. I’m thinking about you—and your family.”
“And you think that once I get past today, I’ll come to my senses and step into my dad’s future for me—get him to accept you once I’m there.”
“I want you to be happy. You don’t know what it’s like to be separated from a parent forever. I just want what’s best for you.”
“Well, I guess I’m the best judge of what’s best for me.”
“Don’t do it, Clay. You’ll be sorry.” She was surprised at the cool, level way she managed to say it. She knew what he’d be throwing away. Although she might not know what it was to have money, she knew very well the value of family.
His head snapped around, his eyes holding all of the fury she’d sensed buried deep inside him. “It’s my decision!” His voice vibrated with anger. He jabbed a thumb into his own chest. “I’m the one who’ll have to deal with the consequences.”
Lily took a step backward. She’d never seen this kind of rage in him. It took her a second to steel herself to go against it. “Oh, really? And I suppose it will in no way affect me. If we’re going to be together, we have to make these kinds of decisions together.”
“I’m willing to sacrifice everything for us.” There was a defensive tone in his anger now. He was daring her to contradict him.
“Well, maybe I’m not.” The words fell icy and hard from her lips.
Suddenly his eyes lost their fire and turned deadly cold. “Afraid I’ll lose all my money?” His tone was cutting; the angry blackness that had been lurking in his soul spewed out in his words. She knew his father had hurt him. But he looked at her as if she’d do the same.
“You bastard.” How could he love her and even think something like that?
She was too furious to argue further. She was going to say things that could never be recalled, things she would regret. So she stood there with her chest heaving and her lips pressed together.
He turned around and walked away.
It seemed impossible to believe then that that would be their last conversation for fourteen years.
She’d tried to get in touch with him, had called his father’s house when she got no answer at his school number. Douglas Winters had told her, in a detached and impersonal tone, his son was no longer living there and would not be back. When she asked how she could get in touch with him, Mr. Winters said he had no idea. Then he hung up.
When she’d called Peter and told him what Mr. Winters had said, he didn’t have any further details. He said Clay and his dad had had a huge blowup—and now he was gone.
Clay had vowed he loved her—and he turned right around and walked out of her life. Words. Empty, meaningless words.
At least this time there had been no pretense of love. This time he’d been straightforward with her, telling her right up front that there wasn’t any foundation for them to stand on.
And she’d given herself to him anyway.
Chapter 11
Lily managed to avoid Clay altogether for the next two weeks. It was as if he were making the same conscious effort she was to ensure their paths didn’t cross. But there was something else that captured her attention more than her relationship—or lack of one—with Clay. She should have started her period three days ago. She didn’t even feel like she was going to. God in heaven, how had she been so stupid?
She told herself over and over again, she just couldn’t be pregnant. Surely the fates couldn’t have it in for her that much. She couldn’t be. It was impossible.
Impossible? a little voice inside called. Think again. Possible it was. Pregnant, with the child of a man who was a stranger, who had proven he didn’t care—who didn’t want children.
She was no better than her mother, throwing away the security of her child for the love of a man. She’d satisfied herself and threatened the well-being of everyone who depended on her—Riley, Peter. Her father. What would this town think of him? Oh, yeah, I know Benny Boudreau, had a whore for a wife and a slut for a daughter.
All because she couldn’t control her love for a man who didn’t want her.
Shame heated her cheeks, but she forced away those nasty little voices that were calling her names. She had to take one day at a time, one ordeal at a time.
Tomorrow she’d get a test. She couldn’t make any decisions until then. Plus, there were other things worrying her.
Riley was an ever-increasing puzzle. Just when she’d begun to see improvement in his attitude, he’d become increasingly restless. He
was short-tempered and withdrawn.
She suspected Clay was making Riley’s workdays difficult, misdirecting the frustration that should have been aimed at her. Once, when she’d dropped Riley off at work, she’d caught Clay looking at her from the storage shed door. He quickly retreated inside, making it impossible to read his expression. But his body language shouted, Stay away.
If Clay was making Riley’s life hell, Riley was remaining tight-lipped about it, refusing to divulge the slightest hint of his troubles. Was Clay using coercion to keep her son from reporting ill treatment? Clay himself had said he’d be a terrible father; this just proved the point. He was too selfish, too vindictive to care for a child.
Carefully stowing all of those nagging problems away in an airtight box, Lily picked up her keys and called Riley downstairs. Tonight was the grand reopening of the Crossing House and Clay had let Riley knock off work early. Which, now that she thought about it, didn’t wash with the picture she’d been painting of Riley’s misery, or Clay’s treatment of him.
“Riley!” she called again.
His head appeared at the top of the stairs. “What?”
“It’s time to go.” She turned and started toward the door. She heard him thudding down the stairs. Why couldn’t teenage boys pick up their feet? Perhaps, she thought, it was because the feet grew first, like puppies’, and their legs hadn’t grown strong enough to lift the extra weight.
Turning around to wait for him at the door, she sighed and rolled her eyes. “You’re not wearing that.”
He looked down at the black T-shirt that bore a near-obscene logo for one of his favorite bands and raised his palms at his sides. “What’s wrong with this? It’s cool.”
“It may be cool, but you’re not wearing it tonight. Your grandfather’s gone to a great deal of trouble and expense to upgrade his restaurant. We can’t go in there looking like… like…” She waved him toward the stairs. “Just go change into a shirt with buttons.”
Riley turned around and muttered something under his breath.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.”
“No. Repeat what you said so I can hear it.” That was one of Peter’s old tricks, and nothing infuriated her more. He’d get in the last jab under his breath so she couldn’t argue any further. Not man enough to say it to her face and deal with the aftermath.
“It was nothing!” He kept his back to her.
“Turn around here and say what you have to say to my face.” She took a step in his direction and stopped just short of grabbing him and spinning him around.
Slowly he turned. His face was no longer that of a boy, but a man, with a man’s determination. “I said, he doesn’t even like it. He did it for you!”
“Who did what for me?”
“Gramps. He liked it the way it was—you wanted it to be different.”
“Why would you think something like that?”
“Because Faye told me.” He paused. “He did it so you could be proud of him—of what he does. Gramps told her the new ‘pub’ was like trying to fit into somebody else’s clothes.”
She felt like the air had been ripped from her lungs. She forced herself to take a deep trembling breath before she said, “I’m glad you told me.” Working to remain calm when her insides had taken flight, she added, “I’ll talk to him.” She wanted to say more, to justify to Riley why this had been a good business move for his grandfather. But it wouldn’t sound any different than the excuses she’d punished him for making over and over again.
“No, Mom. Please. I wasn’t supposed to tell.” He looked at his feet and, for the first time in the last minutes, looked like the boy he was, young and unsure and confused. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
She slipped an arm around his shoulder. “It was the right thing to do and I thank you for sharing it with me. No one will ever know we had this conversation. It—it helps me a lot.” She hugged him close. “You make me very proud.” She patted his shoulder. “Now go change your shirt so we’re not late.”
Clay wanted a beer. A draft beer. And he knew, for the first time in weeks, he could get one. But that draft beer had strings attached. He’d have to see Lily. He didn’t know if he was strong enough.
At The Place he’d sent her away, and she’d gone. But he might not be so lucky next time. As much as it pissed him off to admit it, had she refused, had she come to him with those not-so-innocent blue eyes and said she was staying, he wouldn’t have had the strength to get up and walk away himself.
Just like that, he’d discovered that no matter how he’d tried to convince himself otherwise, he was still vulnerable to her.
Anger at his own weakness thrummed in his veins. He should never have touched her. There had been a single moment when he could have stopped things and he had not. Instead, he’d said the words that had opened the floodgates, then been swept helplessly away.
God, he hated being helpless. His father had tried to make him feel helpless—powerless to do anything except what he dictated. But he’d broken away from his father.
He’d thought he’d broken away from Lily.
It had been a break that he hadn’t planned. All those years ago, when they’d had that last argument, he’d been the one to walk away. But it had never been his intention for that to be the end. His anger had overwhelmed his good sense. And that anger had been misguided at her. He knew that now. But the emotional battlefield he’d found himself on with Lily had scared him to death.
It had taken him his entire life to finally get the courage to make a break with his father. Oh, he’d known it was coming, that he wanted a different path. But loving Lily had given him the strength to stand, had made him truly see how awful the life his father wanted for him would be. He was ready to do it—and she had tried to take it all away. At that moment, he’d been so set, so focused, he couldn’t see anything beyond the confrontation with his father. Each of Lily’s comments hit him like rejection.
He’d walked away, and his life had quickly spiraled out of control in a way he couldn’t possibly have foreseen. The opportunity to straighten things out with Lily had been taken from him.
Knowing what he knew now, that her feelings for him were no more permanent than a Popsicle in the sun, he realized it was the best thing.
But that particular betrayal had branded him deeply. He’d thought he’d locked both Peter and Lily out of his mind, out of his heart.
Once again, he’d been wrong. He’d forged his body and his mind in fire, so that it was like tempered steel. But there was a flaw. An underlying weakness. It had lain hidden for years, just waiting to be tested. Once he saw Lily again, it hadn’t taken long for that flaw to crack. And if he didn’t guard himself, it would rend him completely in two.
He locked up the marina and climbed into his truck. He started it and sat there for a minute, engine idling, mind racing. He could feel the restlessness building, telling him to leave. That’s what he always managed to do, wasn’t it—leave a place before the emotional atmosphere got too intense?
While he was in Special Ops, he never remained in one place long enough for things to get personal. It was his job. He had to live that way. But deep down, he couldn’t deny that life suited him just fine. The life of a nomadic chameleon precluded messy emotional entanglements.
Once he returned to Glens Crossing, he never fell into complete rhythm with this place. He never connected. Now he had to wonder, maybe he never wanted to—without Lily here.
There was no doubt that Lily qualified as a messy emotional entanglement. It wasn’t like he could avoid her, there was that kid of hers. Day after day, he and Riley faced off for their own version of tug-of-war. They were both too pig-headed to be the first one dragged through the mud. Clay had no doubt he could win, overpower the kid with his position and his strength. But that just didn’t seem fair. The kid was a fighter—which could be a good thing, a sign of strong character. It could also be a pain in the ass. Nevertheless, Clay want
ed to see good come of this battle, not beat the independence out of the kid’s spirit. If he left now, who knew what kind of situation the kid would end up in?
Shit. This was one fucked-up mess.
Clay put the truck in gear and headed toward the Crossing House. He didn’t want to hurt Benny’s feelings by ignoring his grand opening. He was man enough to be in a crowded room with Lily for forty minutes without breaking into a million quivering pieces. He owed Benny that. The man had befriended Clay when Clay’s own attitude drove most people away. That friendship meant something to him.
One beer and he’d leave. There was bound to be such a crowd, he probably wouldn’t even see Lily.
He believed that long enough to drive there and pull into the parking lot. Then he caught himself looking for her Toyota and realized how far gone he was. He circled around the building and pulled back out onto the road, his taste buds crying out in vain for that draft beer.
When Lily walked into the Crossing House, she looked at it with different eyes, her perception altered by a few simple words from her son. Her dad looked as uncomfortable in his new vest and starched apron as he did in his changed surroundings. What had seemed a great new beginning just a few hours ago now looked like a selfish effort to change her father, to hide her past.
Oh, God, was she that shallow? Had that really been her intention all along?
After his initial hesitation, her dad hadn’t given a single hint to her that he didn’t like the changes. And he didn’t give one now. He smiled broadly and waved her closer. As he folded her in a hug, his starched collar chafed her cheek; even the hug didn’t feel right.
“Okay, folks,” he said loudly with his arm still around her, “time to launch this ship!”
The serving and kitchen help gathered close. Many of the faces were new, as Henry now had a full staff and more servers had been hired. They’d been able to salvage the old walnut bar. It was the only fixture that had been truly irreplaceable. It now gleamed with new finish and a new brass foot rail.
Her father took a split of champagne and tapped it just hard enough to break it on a marble cutting board on the bar. The glass cracked. The contents of the bottle bubbled and foamed. The crowd cheered.
The Road Home Page 17