Grabbing the rail, she forced herself to start down. It was hard to keep her balance; her depth perception seemed askew, each step impossible to gauge. Several times she stumbled, catching herself just before she pitched over the rail into empty space. Even as she forced her limbs to move faster, she seemed to be losing ground.
Taking one panicked look over her shoulder, she saw hungry yellow flames consuming the trees, the area of the fire spreading as quickly as spilled paint.
As she took the next step, it fell away from under her foot. She threw her weight backward, saving herself from a long fall. But as she watched, each tread between her and the ground so very far below crumbled and fell away.
Having no other option, she ran back to the observation deck. She cupped her hands around her mouth and screamed her son’s name.
“Mom!” A hand was shaking her. “Mom! Wake up!”
With an indrawn gasp, she sat up.
Riley stood beside the bed looking frightened.
“I’m okay,” she said thickly, pushing her hair away from her face. “Just a dream.” He straightened and she realized he was dressed. “What time is it?”
“Six-thirty. Do I have to go to work today?”
Her world began to come back into focus—with all of its current problems. “Yes. But that’s all you’ll be doing.”
“Bud—I don’t want to see him. He was so… so—”
“Bud is not the problem. This is your own doing. In fact, you’re very lucky it was Bud and not Sheriff Clyde who found you last night.”
His lips pressed together, his spine stiffened. Lily prepared herself for the excuses and the promises to do better.
Instead, he sat on the bed beside her, his back collapsing like a rag doll’s. He buried his face in his hands. He looked too weary to be thirteen, too defeated to have lived such a short life.
Lily fisted her own hands to keep from reaching out and comforting him.
“I know I shouldn’t have gone. But I had to…” He sighed.
“Why?”
The question seemed to surprise him. “Huh?”
“Why did you have to go out?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Unless you explain it to me, I won’t.”
“I just had to. I wasn’t smoking pot.”
“I know it’s hard to make new friends. But you know the rules. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am right now.” She paused and looked him in the eye. “And I don’t think those boys are the kind of friends you need. You should be a better judge of character. Consider yourself grounded.”
“For how long?”
“Indefinitely—maybe for the rest of your natural life.” She rubbed her forehead. “Just go eat breakfast and I’ll be down to drive you to work.”
He left the room, his shoulders slumped, his walk not much more than a shuffle.
Lily didn’t want to see Clay any more than Riley did. She couldn’t hide from him, either. The immediate shock of discovering he was a father had surely worn off enough for him to begin to see things rationally. Riley’s antics last night might just be enough to scare him off permanently. What man in his right mind would take on this kind of worry if he didn’t have to?
She went into the bathroom to wash her face and discovered she’d finally started her period.
* * *
Lily decided to take the confirmation that she wasn’t pregnant as the first step in a positive change in the tide of events. And the next step was to treat Clay as if he were on the same team instead of the enemy. Because the way things stood right now, he was exactly that.
She walked Riley into the marina office, feeling the strain of the situation every bit as much as her son.
Clay wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
Riley pointed to the back. “Sometimes he’s in the shop when I get here.”
“Go see and bring him back here.”
With the dreaded gait usually reserved for that final walk to execution, he disappeared through the rear door. A minute later Clay stepped into the office. Riley hung in the doorway behind him.
During the drive there, Lily had tried to reinforce how fortunate Riley had been that Bud had been the one to find him. Now it was time for him to step up. “Riley,” she prompted.
He returned to her side and straightened his sagging shoulders. After licking his lips and a couple of false starts, he said, “I appreciate what you’re doing for me. I’m sorry I was so much trouble last night.”
Lily nudged him with her elbow.
Swallowing hard, he then added, “I understand if you have to report this to the sheriff.”
For a long moment, Clay stood there with his arms crossed and an unreadable expression on his face. Lily wanted to smack him for making Riley squirm, but kept her mouth shut and her hands to herself.
Finally he said, “I said my piece last night. You know how I feel about honoring obligations.”
Lily felt Riley’s brave facade begin to crumble. Her instincts were to rush in and list a dozen reasons why it would be better if Clay didn’t speak to the sheriff about this. Suddenly she realized that maybe, just maybe, she hadn’t intervened in the past only because Peter’s parents had done it for her. This was her first real test.
She waited in silence with her insides squirming.
Riley forced himself to look Clay in the eye and said, “I understand.”
Lily’s heart broke with pride. Her son might still be screwing up, but at least he was beginning to take a little responsibility.
After a second, Riley asked, “Should I start on that Chris-Craft now?”
“Go on.”
Lily couldn’t begin to gauge what was going on behind Clay’s neutral expression.
Once Riley was out of earshot, he asked, “Did he come to you?”
“Yes. He didn’t say much, just that he felt like he needed to meet those boys. I know he’s lonely here, but I explained, as I’m sure you did, that those boys aren’t going to be good for him.”
Clay nodded. “Anything else?”
“He said he wasn’t smoking. I know bet—”
“I don’t think he was.”
Lily narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. “What makes you think that?”
“He wasn’t acting stupid—in the silly sense, of course he was stupid for being there—and his eyes were clear.” Before Lily could grab that and run with it, he said, “That doesn’t mean he wasn’t going to.”
Lily started to tremble, suddenly afraid to take a misstep that would lead Riley to a place where she’d no longer have a chance of recalling him. “I’ve seen what addiction can do—I’m scared to death he’s going to follow Peter.” The statement was fueled by anxiety, had she not been so frightened her good sense would have stopped it at her lips. It was too late.
She saw Clay’s eyes change.
“Since Riley isn’t related to Peter, you don’t need to worry about heredity working against him.” His tone was cold, but not hostile. “I think you’re underestimating him.”
“Hey, Bud!” Riley called. “Need a hand here.”
Clay started toward the door.
She said, “I’ll be on the dock tonight after eleven. If you can’t make it I—”
“I’ll be there.” He disappeared through the door.
As she drove away from the marina, Lily found a certain measure of comfort in having Clay involved with Riley. Even with the possibility of Clay telling the sheriff, she was glad he’d gotten involved last night. It felt good to have another adult directly involved, someone to, at the very least, argue with her over the best approach. After months and months, finally, she wasn’t completely alone in this battle.
Not wanting to be alone, Lily went to the Dew Drop. When she entered, she recognized many of the faces, even some she hadn’t known before she moved away.
She took a seat at the counter. Mildred appeared promptly with her pad and pencil. “Hot enough for you out there?”
L
ily had been so preoccupied with Riley and Clay that she’d barely registered the weather. In the interest of conversation, she nodded. “Going to be a humid one.”
“Thank goodness for air-conditioning. What can I get you?”
“Eggs, over easy, and toast, please.”
Mildred turned over the cup that sat upside down on a saucer in front of Lily and filled it with coffee. “Have it in a jiffy.”
Lily sipped the coffee, thinking how much better it tasted here.
Several people wished her good morning as they walked by her seat. For some reason, it seemed easier to think about her problems in the folds of the familiar, surrounded by people who knew who she was, who knew her family.
Lily thought about her conversation this morning with Clay. He’d said she was underestimating Riley. What exactly did he mean by that? Underestimating his potential for trouble? Underestimating his powers of manipulation? Underestimating his character?
Mildred brought her breakfast. As she set it on the counter, she said, “So, did you hear about all of the excitement last night?”
Lily’s stomach fell like a stone. If there was a marijuana bust, she was going to be sick. She shook her head.
“You’ll notice Cassie isn’t here…”
Looking around, Lily nodded.
“Well, she and Skeeter Johnson were making to elope last night, when Cassie’s ex comes barreling up to her house and knocks Skeeter out cold. Had to call the EMS.”
It was such a relief that her son wasn’t the subject of the town gossip that she leaned closer, prompting Mildred to continue.
“Seems all the sudden her ex wants her back, baby and all—”
“Cassie’s pregnant?” Lily tried to look surprised.
Mildred nodded. “She hadn’t been keeping it much of a secret.”
“So Skeeter’s the father…”
“She never said, but looks that way.” She wiped her hands on her apron and her forehead creased with concern. “Don’t know what prompted that ex of hers to come back here.”
Lily recovered her manners and tried to stop looking like a sponge ready to absorb all of the dirty details. Suddenly she realized that gossip wasn’t always malicious; sometimes people used it to simply communicate. It was obvious Mildred was worried about Cassie.
As Mildred walked away, Lily asked, “So did they elope?”
“Nope. Cassie always was a fool when it came to that no-good husband of hers. She left with him.” She paused and patted the counter. “Poor Skeeter.”
“Yeah, poor Skeeter,” Lily echoed—and really meant it.
The temperature didn’t fall much with the setting of the sun. The night air clung to Lily’s skin, making her want to jump in the lake just for a few moments of relief. She’d dug an old electric fan out of the upstairs closet and set it up in Riley’s room when he’d gone to bed at ten. When she checked him before coming outside, he was sprawled on top of the sheets, snoring softly.
She stood at the edge of the dock, with her bare toes curled over the end of the planks, and drew in several deep breaths. She was not going to blow this by falling into a confrontation with Clay. Although she’d already begun to see things that way, she had to make him see that they were on the same side.
Throughout the evening there had been numerous boats on the lake. A night like this was perfect for boating; bright moonlight, calm waters, and oppressive humidity. She remembered the nights when she, Luke, Peter and Clay had taken the Holts’ boat out late at night with the excuse that they needed to cool off. They’d go to the middle of the lake and cut the motor, then stretch out on the seats and look for constellations. During those nights, the conversation was easy, the mood subdued—it had been perfect.
Now it was late, after eleven, and the lake had quieted. Lily’s mood was anything but subdued. As there wasn’t a breath of air moving, the water was as smooth as glass, reflecting the moon and stars overhead. Lily searched for the Big Dipper on the water.
Over the stillness of the night, she heard a boat motor idling closer.
The time had come.
Clay was silent as he shut off the motor. Lily grabbed a line and tied the bow while he secured the stern. Once that was done, they simply stood there and looked at each other for a long moment.
“I brought out some wine. Would you like some?” she asked, gesturing toward the side-by-side chairs at the end of the dock.
He nodded once and moved toward one of the chairs, but he didn’t sit.
Lily’s tank top clung uncomfortably before he arrived; her nervousness now made it worse. Wishing for a breeze, she poured the wine and handed him a glass. Hoping he would follow her lead, she sat down and took a long sip.
He didn’t sit, but braced his feet apart, as if readying himself for an assault.
“Clay, please sit down. We have a lot to discuss. I don’t want to fight.”
Moving with reluctance, he did. Rolling the glass between his palms, he sat quietly for several minutes. Lily let him.
Finally, he said, “Did you know how Peter felt about me—I mean, back then?”
The question was so far from what she expected, it took her a moment to respond. “The envy?”
He nodded, keeping his gaze fixed on the water. “Jealousy. Resentment.”
She could tell, by the very way he said the words, the fact that Peter had viewed him in such a light throughout their childhood friendship hurt him deeply.
Lily exhaled a long breath. “A little.” She moistened her lips. “I saw flashes of it when we were kids.” It struck her that they’d been no more than “kids” when she and Peter married. “After we were married, it got worse.” She hesitated. “He’d said all of the right things beforehand, but when it came down to living them…”
“Did he take it out on Riley?” There was an edge to his voice.
“Never!” How could he think she would have stayed with him for twelve years if that had been the case? “I have to give Peter that; no matter what the state of unrest between him and me, he always loved Riley. That was the only way I got him into rehab—it was for Riley. He wanted to be a good father, set a good example.”
She heard Clay’s deep breath and felt compelled to say more. “I believe Peter wanted to be over it—the doubt, the resentment. And for a while, I think he managed pretty well. But when we tried to have more children and discovered Peter was sterile, that seemed to push him over the edge. Nothing I did broke his free fall. He always feared that I loved you more. His sterility was just one more comparison where he felt he fell short.”
She sighed. “As time went on, I think the jealousy was eating him alive. It changed him.”
Lily’s simple words resonated in Clay’s head. Without graphic description, without complaint, she’d made him see how much she’d been hurt, how she’d suffered. She had faced a difficult situation and tried to make the best possible life for her son—their son.
He said, “I imagine the fact that Peter kept a secret was a big factor in his struggle. He never did have the strength to live with secrets.”
Lily looked at him, her blue eyes catching the moonlight. “I suppose so. Although at the time I had no idea just how many secrets he held.”
“Peter accused me of being selfish, said if I had known about the baby I would have asked you to wait for me—no matter what the consequences for you.”
“Clay—” She looked ready to explain herself, but he cut her off.
“He was right.”
Lily shook her head, her soft hair falling over her cheeks.
“He was. The moment I found out you were married, I wanted to kill him. I never even considered you had a reason so… so strong. And if you’d come to me in jail and told me about the baby, I would have insisted you go home and wait for me. I know I would have. Even though I’d been disowned by my own father and sat in the Cook County Jail, I wouldn’t have seen anything beyond us being together. I wouldn’t have understood how difficult it would have been f
or you, for your family.”
Looking at Lily now, he saw her cheeks were wet with tears. He steeled himself against them and forged ahead. “What I can’t understand is why you couldn’t trust me with the truth once you saw there might be a future for us.”
Her shuddering breath told him she was fighting to retain control. “I wasn’t sure we had a chance until the day you left the phone—things had been so… so… up and down. Then you went to see Peter and it was too late.” She paused. “I suppose, to be perfectly honest, I don’t really know if I would have told you—at least not yet. Not until I could see how things were going to go between us—and between you and Riley.
“It wasn’t because I wanted to hurt you, but because I don’t want to hurt Riley. He’s thirteen years old. His emotions and perceptions are all skewed. This is not the time to spring a thing like this on him.”
“When—”
She held up a hand. “Please, let me get this out.”
Clay slid back in his chair and waited.
After a couple of sniffles, she went on. “Peter is in rehab right now, only because he wants to be a better father to Riley. Frankly, I think that’s the only motivation he’ll ever be able to find. If I take that away from him, it’s like I’m slapping him in the face for his devotion to my son for the past thirteen years. I owe him—”
“What about what you owe Riley? And me?” Clay edged to the corner of his seat.
This time Lily wasn’t able to hold in her tears. She cried quietly, covering her face with her hands. “Don’t you see? It’s not about anything but what’s best for Riley. I’m his mother. What I want, what would make me happiest, isn’t an issue. What I owe you has to take a back seat. I have to provide a stable home for him, guide him through his troubles…”
“I can help you.”
“Oh, Clay.” It was hardly more than a rush of breath. “I want that. But I can’t see that telling Riley you’re his father right now will do anything except throw gasoline on the fire I’m trying to put out.”
The Road Home Page 30