“I’m cooking Sunday dinner tonight. Will you come?” He thought for a moment holding my hand as we walked back to the house.
“What time?”
“Seven,” I said, smiling.
“OK. I’ll be there,” he said, a little hesitant.
He didn’t know this was my way of getting him to stay a little later than usual. He always left by eight and tonight I wanted him to stay awhile. I wasn’t sure what would have happened but it would be a start.
“What’s on the menu tonight?” Caleb asked, opening the wine.
“Just chicken alfredo,” I said while I stirred the noodles into the sauce.
“What time will Dillon be here?”
“I told him seven.”
Caleb helped me get everything set up, just as Dillon called.
“Hey,” I said, answering.
“Hey love, I’m not going to make it over. I must fix a work problem. I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“That’s OK. Call me later.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow morning. I won’t be done here until later.”
“OK bye.”
“Good night, Baby. Sweet dreams.”
“Thank you.”
Neither of us hung up.
“What’s wrong,” I asked.
“Nothing. I just really wanted to see you today.”
“I wanted to see you too, and I will tomorrow OK?”
“Yep. Good night.”
“I love you,” I whispered, just as he hung up. I instantly covered my mouth and looked at Caleb. “Do you think he heard me?”
“I have no idea,” he said, just as shocked as me. “Are you sure?”
I nodded and went to sit by him. “I really think I do. It’s only been a few weeks but I think you’re right. I think he helps me.”
“Well, I guess we will see if he heard you or not.”
“What am I going to do if he did hear me and doesn’t feel the same?”
“Cross that bridge if it comes up,” he assured me. “There is no need to work yourself up just yet.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “But I haven’t told him everything. What if he thinks I am a freak for letting Wade do that to me?”
“You listen to me, and you listen good. What Wade did, wasn’t love. What he put you through, wasn’t OK. He abused you and made you think it was love.”
I started to cry. “I liked it, Caleb.”
He huffed. “I am not into the things you are, but listen. The things you liked were not the same as what he did to you.”
I couldn’t make him understand so I just grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Thank you, Caleb.”
***
I woke up to a text saying he would be here around noon with lunch. I looked at the clock and it was already eleven. I quickly jumped up and ran to the shower. Caleb was sitting at the island when I came out.
“Afternoon, sweetie,” he said, standing and kissing my head. “Good night last night?”
“Not really. I tossed and turned. Dillon will be here about noon. I am so worried he heard me and doesn’t feel the same. Or what if he does?”
“Josi, breathe. Cross that bridge when it comes up. Don’t get yourself worked up. I should get to work. I’ll see you later.”
I sat waiting for Dillon, more on edge than ever before. He knocked and I about jumped to the ceiling.
“Hello love,” he said, kissing my forehead.
“Hey,” I managed to say. “Did you get everything with your work figured out?”
He seemed hesitant for a moment. “Ah yeah. Just a paperwork mistake.” He suddenly seemed distant.
“Well that’s good.”
“Josilyn there are things I’ve wanted to tell you and I’m working up to it but I just need more time,” he said out of nowhere.
“OK,” I said. “I thought we were both taking our time sharing our secrets. I need time too.”
“OK I just didn’t want you to feel I was purposely keep things secret. I just don’t want to hurt or scare you.”
“I know what you mean,” I agreed.
He left after lunch as I was getting ready for work. I prepared myself for a busy night but the lack of sleep and Dillon not acknowledging what I said were weighing on me. He didn’t say anything to me during lunch about it.
***
Dillon was waiting by my car when I got done with my shift.
“Keeping tabs on me?” I asked, smiling.
“Of course,” he said a little too serious. “No, just kidding. Caleb told me you’d get off about now and I wanted to see if you wanted to hang out.”
“I was planning on having a glass of wine then going to bed,” I said. “Would you like to join me?”
“Wine and bed sound good to me. I’ll meet you there,” he said with a wink.
Caleb was laying on the couch when we walked in. “Well, hello you two,” he said with a smile.
“Where’s Trevor?” I asked, heading for the kitchen.
“He had to go to his parents for dinner and decided to stay in after that,” he said, a little upset.
I came back in with three glasses and a bottle of wine. “This is from a winery back in Iowa,” I told Dillon as I sat down beside him.
“Lunch seems to have gone well,” Caleb said, no doubt eluding to our closeness, “I have to say it’s about time. She needs someone like you.”
“Caleb,” I warned.
“It’s the truth,” he continued. “But I’ll warn you if you hurt my girl, it’ll be hell to pay.”
“No worries,” Dillon assured, pulling me closer. “I have no intentions of doing that.”
“Well on that note I’m going to finish this in my room. You two have a good night.” He kissed my forehead and left us.
We sat there quietly for moment after he left.
“You’re awfully quiet,” he whispered.
“Just thinking,” I told him.
He leaned down and kissed my cheek.
“Don’t think too hard,” he joked.
I snuggled close to him trying to loosen up. “Why does this feel so comfortable and natural?” I asked.
“I feel the same way,” he confessed, “I can honestly say I’ve never been as at ease with anyone as I am with you. For me, that means something.” It sounded like he wanted to say more, but didn’t. Maybe he did hear me last night and this was his way of saying he felt the same.
I rolled my head to the side and felt his breath lightly on my neck, then I felt his lips. Soft, caressing kisses were trailing along my neckline. I closed my eyes and tried to control my frantic breathing. I wanted him to continue but I couldn’t control the panic rising in my chest. Just as soon as he started to move, I jumped up and stood across the room hyperventilating. I felt the tears before I could stop them.
“I’m sorry,” Dillon said softly while slowly walking toward me.
I put my hands over my face and cried.
“OK, tell me what I did, and I won’t again,” he pleaded, moving like he was approaching a wounded animal that might attack.
I didn’t want him to see me cry, so I quickly darted around him and to my room. I could hear Caleb and Dillon outside the door.
“Josi,” Caleb said softly.
“Caleb, I want to be alone,” I yelled.
“I’ll text you later Caleb, or call if you need anything,” Dillon told him.
I couldn’t stop the tears and it was killing me. I felt Caleb crawl in bed next to me.
“All he did was kiss my neck.” I wailed. “I can’t do this. I can’t be normal. I tried to loosen up and look what happened. It felt good then my stupid head got in the way and ruined it. I can’t block it out.”
“Sweetie, you were never normal,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. “But you’ll get past this. It’s the first time you’ve ever thought of being intimate with anyone in a very long time. It was to be expected, and until you excise more of those demons, I’m betting this will
happen often. I know it will be hard to do, but you need to tell him. He deserves to know what he’s getting into. It’s going to be a long road for you and he needs to know the obstacles he faces.”
I laid there crying and knowing Caleb was right. “He deserves someone who can give them their whole heart,” I cried. “Someone whole and not broken. What if I can’t be fixed Caleb? What if every time he touches me like that, I freak out?”
“Well sweetie, that is something you need to talk about,” he said. “I can’t answer that, but I can tell you no matter what happens, I’ll be here with you.”
“I hate Wade for doing this to me. I wish I had died that night.”
“You listen here, missy,” he growled, squeezing me close. “I don’t wish that. You survived and you will get past this. It’s hasn’t even been eight months yet. The first time you dated was too soon, but this thing you have with Dillon, it could work. I know it.”
“Thank you, Caleb,” I whispered. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Be a fashion nightmare, and lonely, because I’m the only one who can tolerate your terrible cooking.”
“Ha ha.”
Chapter 9
I was a zombie at work. Even Marcus noticed my mood.
“Everything OK, Josi?” he asked.
“Yeah just didn’t sleep very well last night. Thanks for asking.”
He nodded and went back to his tables. Dillon had texted me twice and called once during the day, but I didn’t answer. I knew I’d breakdown if I tried to talk to him, and I needed time to decide how to handle this. Work was busy enough to keep me mostly occupied.
Caleb was up when I got home again.
“Oh sweetie,” he said, softly giving me a hug. “You look terrible, why don’t you go to bed?”
I didn’t argue as he pushed me to my room. Dillon was sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands.
“He’s been here since you left for work,” Caleb whispered. “You may not be ready but he’s hurting, honey. Talk, or put him out of his misery.”
I couldn’t speak. This man that I had already told I loved, though I’m not sure he heard me, was sitting here in my room and looked just as pained as I felt. I thought for a moment before moving. Do I really love him? We’ve only known each other a short couple of weeks. Deep down I know that’s how I feel. I slowly walked over and he looked up.
“I’m sorry. I was worried and you hadn’t answered me. I didn’t know what else to do,” his voice broke. He didn’t make a move to touch me, just sat there with pain etched on his face.
I sat beside him on the bed and took his hands.
“I’m sorry,” I began to say. “I should have answered you but I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid. Dillon, I think you deserve someone not as broken as me. I’m fucked up, and I’m not sure if I can be fixed.”
He looked up a bit and sighed. “Love, I told you. We both have demons. Our souls are ridden with heartache and pain. I’m not asking you to change. I’m only asking that we give this a chance. For some reason, deep down, I get this feeling that we are right. I’ve never felt that way with anyone. I don’t care how long it takes, please don’t give up on me so soon.”
I was moved and frustrated at the same time.
“Dillon, I want to. I really do, I just don’t know if I can. Last night you barely kissed me and I freaked out. I can’t be what you need.”
He huffed. “You are what I need. You brought light to my life. Please don’t push me away.”
I couldn’t help but start crying. This man was baring his soul to me, and begging me to take it.
“My senior year of college, I met my future husband,” I began and looked for his reaction. As I expected he went rigid, but I was not backing down. “I thought he was the love of my life.” I stood and moved away, feeling anxious. “We got married right after graduation. Wade seemed so perfect. We were young and happy, and things were great. I decided to start working for a restaurant and he didn’t like it. We did things together and I could tell he was changing. He became more aggressive and stopped listening.” I paused to stop myself from crying.
“Josilyn…” he started, but I stopped him.
“You need to know. So anyways, I got pregnant. One night we had been super busy at work and when I got home he was noticeably agitated. I tried kissing him but he moved away. Then he told me I either needed to quit or cut back and that my working so hard wasn’t healthy. I told him no, and he slapped me. I couldn’t speak but just knelt there on the floor and looked up at him for a long time. Later that night, I packed and left. I wasn’t going to go back, but he asked to talk one night and we did. He said he would get help for his anger issues and we would go to counselling. It worked and I went back to him. He was distant after that and would barely touch me. I thought he was afraid to hurt me again.” I stood there a moment trying to get my breathing under control.
“One night something happened. I don’t remember what set him off, but I remember him slapping me and I fell and hit my head. When I came back around, he was sitting on the couch, so I went to the bedroom and packed a bag. He broke down the door and came after me. I made it to the kitchen before he caught me. I grabbed a knife on the counter and swung it at him but he knocked it out of my hand, so I ran outside and he jumped on me.”
I stripped off my shirt and turned around. He gasped as I continued.
“I screamed as he cut me across my back. I managed to spin around, but as I did he came down and stabbed me.”
I crossed my arms across my stomach as I turned around, tears streaming down my face. Dillon was standing right in front of me. He put his arms around me as I continue to cry. Slowly he put my shirt back on.
The tears ebbed. “I don’t know what sets me off, but sometimes I just freak out. I don’t know if my subconscious is holding on to him because of our relationship or what. You deserve someone you can touch without fear of an anxiety attack. I don’t think I can be that person. I wanted to give this a try but I don’t see this working. I don’t know why. You’d think I’d fear men in general, but nope.”
He lifted my chin. “Why don’t you let me decide what I deserve, baby.” After pulling me to the bed, he sat down and I stood between his legs. “I’m not one for giving up, and I’m not giving up on this. What that monster did to you, I can’t even tell you how angry it makes me.” He watched my eyes and he slid his hands up my arms. “I am a patient man. I will wait as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere. I will show you how a real man should treat a woman, and you deserve to be loved and cherished.”
“I can’t do that to you. I can’t be,” I cried.
“Dammit Josilyn, will you listen to me?” He stood and hugged me. “You are what I want. I don’t need sex. I don’t need anything but you. Plus, I think you don’t realize it, but you let me touch you all the time. Maybe it’s something we can work on, or maybe we’ll never get there, but I want to be here.”
He was right. I let him hold me, kiss me, and hug me. It’s when I had time to think that I freaked out.
“Why don’t we go to bed,” he suggested. “We both have an early morning.” He slid back my covers. “Don’t worry, I’ll sleep on top of them with my clothes on.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as I slowly walked to my closet to get my nightgown.
He pulled me close to his chest. “Sleep now, my sweet angel.”
“Dillon, don’t hurt me, please,” I begged.
“I would never hurt you, sweet girl. I’ll do everything I can to make you happy, but I must know. What happened after?”
I tried to find the words. “I was unconscious when the paramedics arrived. They said he was holding me and rocking me. He is still awaiting trial. The lawyer calls me every couple of weeks to keep me updated.”
“I’m sorry for what you went thru, and your loss,” he whispered. “I’ll find a reason every day to make you smile.”
“Thank you. I named her Lily,”
I told him, hugging his arms closer to me.
“It’s beautiful like her mother, sleep now, angel.” He kissed my temple.
I woke up the next morning warm and clinging tightly to his arm. I had a peaceful night, without any nightmares. His warm, earthy scent surrounded me.
“I could get used to waking up like this,” he whispered. “Good morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning to you too,” I said with a smile.
He was right I was content. I had found peace with the man lying next to me. He knew the stakes and stayed. I suddenly felt like I didn’t deserve this. It almost seemed too good to be true.
“I have to leave for class,” he said, making a motion to get up but hugging me close first.
“What class?” I asked sitting up
“I teach a couple cross fit classes. Helps keep me in shape and others who can’t afford a gym or trainer too.”
“Wait do you do that in the park?”
“Yes, Why?”
“I’ve seen you a few times when I run through there is all.”
“I see,” he said with a smile, “now who’s the stalker.”
“Ha Ha funny. Go to class. I have to work at four, so I guess, see you later,” I said, sitting up on the edge.
“Do you want me to come back?” The spark in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed.
“If you’d like. Caleb won’t be home till late, he has to work. I can text you when I’m finishing up and you can meet me here.”
He nodded. “I can do that.” He kissed my cheek and left.
The grin on Caleb’s face could be seen for miles. “I’m only guessing it went good,” he mused.
“We talked,” I said, hugging him. “Thank you for letting him in. I just hope he truly knows what he’s getting into. I don’t deserve him.”
Caleb huffed. “Stop right now. After everything you’ve been thru, maybe it’s your turn to find true happiness.” I tried to believe him but that little part of my brain was waiting for the shoe to drop.
Burdened Souls: Can Love Save a Burdened Soul? (The Burned Souls Series Book 1) Page 6