A few months later he would say it didn’t work out and we had to get a divorce. We’d go our separate ways, like we had planned from the start, and he would take care of the paper work.
It broke my heart all over again just hearing those last words.
Outside, there was a huge gathering of black cars, one ambulance and four police cars. Once we stepped outside, the sounds of fireworks rang out one after another, and they flashed in the sky enough to light up the whole place. The sky actually brightened with the amount of fireworks they set off.
Too bad I was too heartbroken to even smile at the sight that had always made me grin enthusiastically and scream cheerfully.
“Why are they doing that?” I whispered my question to Mazen.
“Because this is how a princess leaves, Princess,” he smiled softly down at me, even if his eyes held a fire of sadness that was even more colossal than the sky above us.
When we got into the car, Mazen didn’t let go of me. I stayed on his lap all the way to the airport, the same road I’d taken just two nights ago. The same road I’d thought to be too long then, but now seemed to be too short. The same road I never knew I’d take while starting to make my way back to my homeland–and be that depressed about it.
The hum of the expensive cars that surrounded ours was quiet and soothing, but nothing even compared to the sound of Mazen’s heartbeats underneath my ear.
He kissed my forehead repeatedly all the way to the airport, and I kissed his chest right above his heart in return, my tears never drying, nor my chest willing to stop swelling.
The car slowed down and my heartbeat raced, and I could swear I felt Mazen’s hand tightening over me a bit more. I heard the guard who was driving us asking, “Forgive me, Your Highness, is it the first or second jet?”
“First.” Mazen replied. When the car stopped, and the doors opened, neither of us seemed to want to make a move to get out of it.
The silence that surrounded us spoke volumes about how brokenhearted and miserable we both were, that even our silence was sad enough to put me in tears which seemed to have sworn to never leave me for the night.
We got out of the car when we both knew that we couldn’t stay any longer. It wouldn’t do either of us any good, we realized. When Mazen put me down on my feet, I threw myself into his arms, hugging him and saying, “I’m going to miss you, Mazen.”
I miss you already.
He sucked in a deep breath. “I’m never going to forget you, Princess,” he replied. When we pulled back to look into each other’s eyes, I saw his bloodshot ones through my tears, announcing how hard he was trying to keep from letting his tears out. It broke my heart even more. And his small sad smile–last one I got to see–pained every inch of my insides.
We kissed once, twice...then the third one was only a peck. I took a step away from him, my hand still tangled with his, and with another step, our hands let go of each other. I believe I felt a knife cutting through my chest and straight to my heart just at the loss of his touch.
I waved him a final goodbye when I reached the last step on the stairs to the plane, and when I got inside...I fought really hard not to collapse to the floor and curl into a ball.
I found my laptop and cellphone on the table in front of where I was seated, but–shockingly–I found no interest in them at all. All of my attention was focused on the window, where I could see Mazen still standing with his hands folded behind his back. But his head was not held as high as he’d always kept it: he was looking down at the ground as if he couldn’t move his gaze up and watch me leave.
I touched the glass of the window with my hand, and cried some more for the man I never thought I’d be crying over–or even shedding one tear for. I cried for the man who had shown me more love and protection than any other man had ever shown me. I cried for the man who handled me with care, and taught me things with patience. I cried for the man who asked me to stay with him for six months to save his sister’s life and her reputation, only to have me fall for him in six days, no less. I cried for the man whose race and beliefs I’d loathed most of my life, only to end up falling in love with him, utterly and unconditionally.
The plane moved, and then took off, and I left the kingdom. Left Mazen. And left my heart with him.
One day, I asked my grandfather, “Papa, what’s one of the hardest things in life?” and he told me, “To smile when your tears are about to fall.”
He was right.
Once I was on the plane, I never thought of how much I feared it, or how much I hated being on it, like I had most of my life. I only thought of one person: Mazen. Only thought of one thing: I was leaving him.
My tears were not something I wanted to keep in. I was facing so many difficulties already; crying in front of strangers wasn’t my biggest concern. Leaving the last person I’d thought I could ever fall in love with, was. I had every right to bawl my eyes out.
I didn’t care how rude I sounded when I asked to be left alone most of the flight. I needed peace–at least around me. Because inside: there was undying war, and troubling fights.
The memory of him as he stood there all broken when the plane took off–I don’t think it could ever be more vivid in my head. It didn’t leave my mind for a second. Not for a moment. And it made me cry even harder just remembering his last words: “I’m never going to forget you, Princess.”
He did one of the hardest things you could do in your life: he smiled while his tears were about to fall.
I didn’t have that kind of strength.
One day, I asked my grandfather, “Papa, what’s one of the hardest things in life?” and he told me, “For fate to force you into doing something you never wanted to do.”
I couldn’t understand the irony of fate: when I loathed being in the kingdom so much and hated having to be there for my brother’s wedding, I found myself promised to the Crown Prince of said kingdom, for the rest of my life.
I struggled and suffered and tried to escape, but I failed.
And then...then I fell in love, and my eyes opened and saw things they’d never seen before. I realized I wanted to spend more time with him. I realized I was wrong in wanting to be away from him, and then–only then–I got my previous wish of getting away from him. He let go of me.
How unfair could life really be to me? With all of the struggles I’d had all of my life...this was something I should easily get through–but I couldn’t.
I didn’t have that kind of strength.
I might’ve straightened myself up, given myself a pep talk to be able to move on, stopped my tears from showing and stopped my voice from shaking. But my outside was strong for the sake of the image I had to keep up, because back home, I wasn’t the weak and crying ball of pity I’d been in the kingdom. I needed to get myself back on track to take care of the things that needed to be taken care of.
However, on the inside...I was dying. Slowly.
“Oh, thank goodness! I was going to start a search party for you,” my assistant, and friend, said jokingly from the other end of the line.
“Terri,” I smiled softly into the phone, not realizing how much I’d missed her until I finally heard her voice.
“Are you okay? Where are you? How’s married life?” she asked, all too cheerfully.
“Uh…you know about the marriage?” I frowned.
“Mhmm...and I guess you didn’t want me to know?” I could sense the hurt in her voice.
I sighed, “Listen, Terri, I’ll explain later. I’m landing at JFK airport in an hour, okay?”
“Oh, the honeymoon is over already, Miss Workaholic?”
“See you in a few,” I said and hung up, frustrated to learn that Joseph had probably already made up stories about my marriage, and not knowing how much damage I’d have to deal with–along with what I already had on my plate.
One day, I asked my grandfather, “Papa, what’s one of the hardest things in life?” and he told me, “When you can’t find someone who understand
s or feels for you.”
I couldn’t think of anyone I knew whom I could tell about what had happened. I didn’t know who would understand. Terri was so kind and a great friend, but what could I tell her when I didn’t even know what to say to myself?
My emotions were all over the place. I knew being home was the right thing for me, but...I couldn’t feel the things I’d thought I’d feel once I put my feet on the ground in my country.
I thought I’d feel relieved. I didn’t.
I thought I’d be able to block my mind from thinking of what I’d lost. I couldn’t.
I thought I would forget all of the nice and kind things I’d lived through in the kingdom. I wouldn’t.
I knew I should get him out of my mind and my heart, because it wasn’t good for me: ‘us’ was impossible and just plain wrong. And my heart always shouted at me, “You shouldn’t.”
It was easier to stick to what Joseph had said: in the kingdom, I fell in love with the Crown Prince and we got married, then I decided to stay there. I added my own lines though: I told whoever cared enough to ask and whomever I cared enough to tell that we’d talked online for months before I left, and that I hadn’t told anyone because we both didn’t want the media to know. We’d had a cozy and warm wedding, and I came back to have a few tests done, and take care of things regarding the company that I didn’t want Joseph to have to do all alone. My husband didn’t come with me because he had lots of responsibilities he couldn’t get away from. It wasn’t all lies. And if anyone found any part of it to be unbelievable, I really didn’t care. At all.
One day, I asked my grandfather, “Papa, what’s one of the hardest things in life?” and he told me, “To lose something that was so good, and then find so many things that keep reminding you of how you don’t have it anymore.”
Home didn’t feel like home. Comfort wasn’t anywhere to be found. I didn’t feel as safe as I’d thought I would feel. I only slept when my eyes were too dry to produce more tears. And when I woke up, I was about to call Mona’s name, only to remember she wasn’t anywhere around. It brought tears to my eyes.
Just thinking about getting out of bed almost had me on my knees on the bathroom floor. I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to go to sleep and maybe be able to dream again. Of him. It was so hard to believe that just a little over two days ago I was in his arms, hearing his heartbeat and inhaling his sweet scent. And now...I had none of that. Not him, not his closeness, not his warmth, and not the comfort only he was able to make me feel.
I couldn’t eat the pancakes my housekeeper made me for breakfast on Monday morning. I couldn’t drink my coffee without wondering if Mazen had had his tea for the morning already or not. Remembering the first morning after the wedding, how I’d thought we didn’t like to have same drink in the morning, and how we didn’t have that in common. I couldn’t believe how shallow I was just a week ago. It was actually embarrassing.
“Morning, Brad,” I greeted him with a nod.
“Miss Archer,” he nodded his head, “good morning.”
“Follow me to my office, please,” I said. Inside the office that was in my house, I told him what I needed him to do.
Brad had been my bodyguard since I started going to college, and was someone I trusted with my life–obviously. But Joseph was able to convince me that I couldn’t bring him to the kingdom, because it was rude. I didn’t get it, but he was able to convince me that we would be protected by the royal guards. Despite how much I didn’t like that, and how much Brad himself didn’t like it either, I still did what Joseph told me. Because I trusted him. Because I was a fool.
“Miss Archer, are you sure you want to do this?” Brad asked. I could sense the disbelief and confusion in his voice.
“Positive,” I said, and when I was sure he would do everything I’d asked for as planned, I went to the company’s headquarters.
One day, I asked my grandfather, “Papa, what’s one of the hardest things in life?” and he told me, “When someone you love dies–but only in your eyes.”
“Is Joseph free?” I asked Terri as I handed her my briefcase.
“He’s in a meeting that should end in five minutes,” she replied.
“Good. Which room?”
“Conference room three.” I headed there right away, after telling her not to inform him I was there, Brad following right behind me.
The wait wasn’t long, my thoughts kept me too busy to feel any kind of boredom as I waited for him to finish his meeting. I pulled the end of the sleeve of my white suit jacket, straightening it, making sure I looked as confident as possible, because I knew I couldn’t show him how broken I really was, couldn’t show him just how much damage he had done.
When he came out, he didn’t notice me right away, he was busy saying goodbye to a client, and I took that moment to study his form, seeing the things that I knew only I could see. I saw that underneath the smile he kept on his face, he was pretty much broken. Maybe as much as I was, even.
I could see the dark circles under his eyes that told of sleepless nights, could see his scraggy cheeks that told of a lost appetite. He just wasn’t well.
Good, I thought.
My heart simply couldn’t soften for him. It couldn’t. Any good memory I’d ever shared with him was long gone. Anything nice we’d given each other was simply lost. This wasn’t my brother. My brother had died long ago–in my eyes, that is.
“Marie!” His eyes landed on me and his tongue uttered my name in disbelief. I could see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed thickly, his look betraying him and revealing how he was shocked and worried at the same time, though I could tell he didn’t want to show it.
“Hello Brother!” I said with a tight smile that was only there to tell him how much I was disgusted by his presence, and I knew he could easily understand it. “What? You thought you’d never see me again?”
“Uh…”
“Let’s go inside, you don’t want us to make a scene, now do you?” I said then I waved him inside. “After you.”
He paused for a moment, obviously not knowing if he should come inside or not, but finally realizing he couldn’t get away from it. The look in his eyes when he found out that Brad would be joining us was just priceless.
I sat down at the head of the table, having him sit on the opposite end, and then Brad put the file in front of him.
“What’s this?”
“Sign” was all I replied with.
He opened the file and his eyes widened. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” he said in shock. “You want me to sign my rights to the company over to you?”
“Exactly!”
“Absolutely not!” he said, jerking the file away from him.
“Brad!” I called, my eyes not leaving my brother, who was snarling at me while I smiled, as if my heart wasn’t breaking from the inside.
Like he had been told to do, in one second, Brad pulled his gun out of his jacket pocket and put it to Joseph’s head.
My eyes stung with the tears I wanted to shed at the sight of him all shocked, scared and frightened.
I’d made sure Brad understood very well that hurting Joseph wasn’t my intention, not at all, but I needed him to taste his own medicine. He deserved to experience some of what he’d put me through.
“Marie, what are you doing?” His voice had none of the venom it’d had in it when he spoke to me just a minute ago; his eyes were pleading and his hands were shaking slightly.
“Just like you did, Joseph,” I told him. “I’m forcing you into signing your approval of something I know you wouldn’t ever want.”
“You can’t be serious!” he said.
“Oh, I am, and you will sign, Joseph,” I said, getting up and going to stand only two steps away from where he was sitting. “You know why?” I asked, not waiting for his answer. “Because you’re afraid, you have a gun pointed to your head, and all you can think about right now is how, if you don’t please the one who has you at the
ir mercy, your head will be blown off–and you don’t want that.”
“Marie, stop this! I did something wrong but it was the only thing I could do,” he swallowed. “You wouldn’t have ever agreed and I had to save Janna. I didn’t have time to convince you, and you wouldn’t ever be convinced. I knew you wouldn’t. It was the only option I had.”
I snorted, “Because you’re an idiot. She had a wonderful brother who would save her no matter what, a brother who you couldn’t be compared with no matter how much you tried.” Tears finally found their way out of my eyes. “Do you have any idea what you put me through?”
“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, I had no other choice,” he begged.
“You put me in that car again, Joseph,” my voice cracked, and my tears wet my cheeks even more. “I was all alone, trapped in one place while the whole world was in chaos around me. I knew no one, I had no idea what was to come. Many times I wondered if I would be raped, or be killed if I didn’t obey. Many times I wondered if I’d ever see a familiar face again. You broke me, Joseph. Broke me!” I cried. “And better yet, you felt no hint of guilt about it, you never thought about me or how I would be feeling.”
“Don’t say that, Marie! You don’t know anything,” he said in a low voice. “I was dying from the inside, but I had to do it. Janna had always told me about Mazen and how noble he is I knew he’d take good care of you.”
His words took a minute to register in my mind, and the ache in my heart grew, just realizing how true those words really were. “But what if he wasn’t? What if he was a savage who would’ve forced himself on me, and done whatever he wanted to the helpless girl he had at his mercy? Did you ever think of that?”
He didn’t reply; He closed his eyes, freeing tears of guilt that caused me nothing but pride at what I’d accomplished. I hoped he would burn every day with the knowledge of what he’d made me face.
[Colorblind 01.0] Black Keys Page 36