Can't Go Back

by Marie Meyer

  Jillian rested quietly in the seat beside me, unable to point me toward the dorm. I was pretty sure it wasn’t far from here, and I knew its general vicinity. I put the car in gear and headed in that direction.

  I traveled toward campus, taking the turns slowly, for Jillian’s sake. Each bump and jostle of the road made her groan. I glanced at her. Every so often she’d shift her head, trying to get comfortable.

  All the times I’d seen Jillian drunk, there had been an underlying reason why she’d ended up that way. She always partied with the intent of getting drunk. It was a choice, never an accident. I wondered why she’d chosen to get wasted tonight.

  I rolled through a stop sign, Jillian’s dorm up ahead. Pulling into the back lot, I found a parking spot close to the building. Jillian murmured as I got out of the car.

  Coming around to her door, I pulled it open. She rolled her head to the side, her eyelids heavy. She looked up at me. I extended my hand, giving her something solid to hold on to. “Come on, Jillibean.” I kept my voice soft, comforting.

  “I…can’t…move,” she mumbled.

  “Take my hand, Bean.” She slipped her palm into mine. It was sweaty and cool to the touch. “Ugh,” she moaned. Then, like someone had injected her with a syringe full of adrenaline, she sat up straight, her eyes wide.

  It scared the shit out of me. “Bean?” I said, crouching beside her.

  Her hand went to her mouth, and even in the dark, I saw her skin go from ivory to a dull green. I reached into the car and angled her body toward the parking lot. “Let’s do that out here, baby,” I said comfortingly.

  She leaned toward me and I scooted to the side, clearing space between us. I held her hair back as the tequila made its reappearance.

  When her stomach was empty of the poison, she sat back in the seat, exhausted. “Ugh,” she moaned again.

  “Come on, Bean.” Gently I slid my arms around her back and under her legs. I stood, cradling her in my arms.

  Like a rag doll, she rested against my chest. “I’ve always got you, love.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  With Jillian in my arms, I had to finagle my way into her purse, which was sandwiched between our bodies. I felt around inside until my fingers touched her dorm access card. I pulled it free. Swiping it over the magnetic card reader, I waited for the light to turn green and the lock to click free.

  Shifting Jillian’s weight onto one arm, I pulled the door open, kicking it wider with my foot. I let out a heavy breath, putting my arm back beneath her. It wasn’t that she was heavy, I just didn’t want to drop her.

  Jillian lived on the third floor, so I set off for the stairs, careful to keep my footsteps slow and light. It was an easy climb. I kept my eyes on Jillian most of the way up, hoping I wasn’t jostling her too much.

  Finally I made it to her floor. I opened the steel door with ease and made my way to her room. Once again I had to fish her room keys out of her purse.

  I slid the key into the lock, felt the tumblers click into place, and pushed the door open. Carrying Jillian across the threshold of her dorm room, I peeled back the blankets on her bed and gently laid her down.

  I watched her for a second, sleeping soundly. Her breaths full and even. In…out…in…out…A steady rhythm. A rhythm I’d used to write many a song.

  Her hair was a tangled mess of colors against the white of her pillow. Usually her golden features reminded me of an angel’s, but tonight she was a fairy. I cocked my head, considering the thought. “Yeah, a fairy all right. A punk rock fairy.” I smiled. My beautiful, cute, comatose punk rock fairy.

  I went to her drawer in search of something more comfortable for her to wear. I came away with a tiny pair of shorts and a little tank top. I’d seen her wear similar stuff to bed, so I hoped it was OK.

  I knelt beside her. How was I going to get that dress off? It clung to every gorgeous part of her. Damn.

  She probably couldn’t hear me, but I walked her through what I was going to do. “OK, Bean.” I let out a huge breath. “I’m going to get you into something more comfortable. Bear with me.”

  Carefully I pinched the bottom of her dress and drew it up her body. With all the fantasies I’d had about undressing this girl, in none of them had she ever been unconscious. I bunched the fabric in my hands and kept pulling.

  Jillian moaned and rolled to her side, facing the wall.

  Shit. That didn’t help.

  “Fuck it.” Being gentle was getting me nowhere. I stood up and just yanked the dress the rest of the way off. Jillian didn’t even flinch. I tossed the dress onto the floor. Had this been a situation where Jillian was a willing participant, I would have taken time to appreciate the sexy black lingerie she wore. But I couldn’t do that to her.

  I made quick work of pulling on the skimpy tank top. I guided her head through the opening, then her arm. Pulling the shirt down to cover her breasts, I rolled her body to face me, and fitted her other arm through the tiny straps.

  Shirt. Done.

  I picked up the shorts and stared at them. “No way.” I shook my head and tossed them over my shoulder. “Sorry, Bean. Panties it is.” Not that I was complaining.

  I yanked the covers from the foot of the bed and pulled them to her neck, kissing her on the forehead. “I’ll be right back. Gonna get my things from the car.” I kissed her again.

  Before I left the room I patted my back pocket, checking to see if I still had her access card. Yep. I opened the door, the keys still in the lock. I snatched them back and headed to the car for my bag and Jillian’s birthday present.

  I wasn’t gone long, and was back in her room for the night. I searched through her closet for an extra blanket, and ditched my pants and shirt. I climbed over Bean, careful not to wake her. I spread the blanket out over my body and sat up. It only covered my stomach and the upper portion of my thighs. “What the hell kind of blanket is this?” I shook my head and rolled onto my side, spooning Jillian. I kicked my legs, trying to send some of the material to my feet. It was useless. Instead I opted for burrowing my feet beneath Jillian’s, huddling against her for warmth. I flexed my arm around her and closed my eyes, happy to be at her side.

  * * *

  I felt the small bed shift. I craned my neck, peering over my shoulder. Jillian was sitting up. I gave her a lazy smile and blinked away sleep, flipping my body around to look at her. “Morning, Bean,” I rasped, my voice thick with sleep.

  “Morning,” she whispered.

  I yawned and stretched my arms above my head. “How are you feeling?”

  She wrinkled her nose and stuck her tongue out. “I’ve been better.”

  Even hungover she was beautiful. “Sorry. I bet you’re hurting.” I sat up slowly to keep from jostling the bed.

  As she rolled onto her back, I noticed her eyes dancing over the ink on my chest. It was such a turn-on.

  “Griff, I’m so sorry.”

  I eased next to her. I loved when she used my arm as a pillow. “Sorry? Why are you sorry?” I placed my hand on her belly, drawing slow circles across the top of her shirt. When I was a kid, Mom always rubbed circles on my belly when I was sick. Somehow the leisurely movement magically erased the unsettled feeling in my gut. I wanted to do that for her now.

  She drew a hand over her face. “Not exactly my finest moment.”

  My eyebrows pulled up. “Really? It’s not the first time I’ve seen you drunk.”

  “I know,” she sighed. “But you drove all the way out here, and I had to go and get fucked up. I was pissed that I had to spend my birthday without you, so I planned on drowning my sorrows in a bottle of tequila. Our time together is too short for me to be passed out during any part of it.”

  “Tequila. That explains it.” I brushed my hand over her face. Strands of her Skittle-colored hair fell away, tickling my arm.

  “Explains what?” she asked.

  “The puking.”

  She cringed. “Oh, dear Lord. I didn’t. Please tell me I didn�
�t.”

  I wrinkled my face.

  “I don’t remember shit about last night,” she whined, throwing her arm over her eyes.

  I wrangled her closer to my side. My thumb moving lower on her stomach. Finding skin, I traced lazy circuits up and down her midriff. “You don’t remember anything from last night?” I crooned. The memory of her tongue in my mouth stirred things.

  She shook her head.

  “Nothing?” I drawled.

  “Griffin…” Panic rose in her voice. “Please tell me we didn’t.”

  Oh. God no. I didn’t think she’d jump to that conclusion. I didn’t mean to scare her. “No, no, no.” I shook my head. “We didn’t. But…” I played with her hair, letting each color fall between my fingers. Her hair was so silky. It resembled a Kool-Aid waterfall pouring down over my hands.

  “But?” she sputtered.

  I pulled my mouth into a wicked smile. “You don’t remember attacking me on the dance floor?”

  “I attacked you?” she shrieked.

  I shrugged. Messing with her was fun. “It’s OK. I sort of attacked you back, so it wasn’t all one-sided.”

  “Were we alone?” she cringed.

  I shook my head slowly, for added effect. A sinful smile spread across my face. I shouldn’t be teasing her right now. But damn, her embarrassment was too fucking cute.

  “Ugh!” she screamed, rolling toward me. She buried her head against my chest. “How bad was it?”

  “Well, there was lots of tongue, some moaning, ass-grabbing—”

  “Stop.” She cut me off. And I had just been getting to the good part. “Just stop. I get the picture.” She shook her head.

  “Do you remember now?” I asked, rubbing her back.

  “No.” Her words were a muffled blaze of heat against my skin.

  “That’s too bad,” I groaned seductively. “It was so fucking hot.”

  She lifted her head and glared at me indignantly. “Why did you let me attack you? You were sober!”

  “I really missed you. When you stick your tongue in my mouth, my self-control goes out the window. Sorry, Bean.” I laughed. “However, I am sorry that you don’t remember it. It was by far the best kiss I’ve ever had. I guess we’ll just have to do it again.”

  “This fucking sucks. Apparently we kissed the hell out of each other last night, and I can’t remember even the smallest peck.” She pointed her finger at me and pursed her lips. “That will never happen again.”

  “What?” I sat up quickly and Jillian’s head fell to the pillow. But right now I didn’t care about that. She wasn’t going to kiss me anymore? That was un-fucking-acceptable.

  She yanked the pillow from beneath her head and smacked me with it. “I didn’t mean the kissing, you idiot.”

  “Phew,” I sighed, “you had me worried. I’ve waited a long time to do that, and I am not about to stop.” I grabbed the pillow out of her hands and tossed it on the floor.

  Lying beside me she looked up, all humor gone from her face. “I meant that I am never getting trashed to the point that I can’t remember kissing you. I will remember ever single one of our kisses from here on out, and that’s a promise.”

  “Well, enough talking. Let’s start making some memories you’ll remember.” I leaned down just as Jillian squirmed her way out of my grip and slipped to the floor. She pressed her finger to my waiting lips.

  “Hold that thought. From what you said I did last night, I need a few moments in the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

  Like a shot, she was up off the floor. “Hurry up, I have a birthday kiss to give you. I promise you’ll remember this one,” I teased.

  She squealed and grabbed her bathroom stuff, shutting the door behind her. Apparently the promise of kissing me was a hangover cure.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  I felt Jillian’s stomach gurgle while I was on top of her. “You’re hungry,” I said, against her lips. “Your stomach sounds pretty pissed.”

  She smiled and I couldn’t resist. I devoured it, sealing my mouth over hers.

  “I’ll order a pizza. I don’t want to leave,” she said when I let her come up for air.

  With my long arms, I reached over us and pulled her phone from the desk. Jillian ordered quickly, then snuggled back into my arms so I could kiss her some more.

  As we lay side by side, our foreheads touching, Jillian beamed. “This has been the best birthday ever.”

  I wrapped my hands around her folded ones and traced over the thin skin of her wrists with my thumb. She never seemed to mind when I did this, but I often worried that my callused fingers were too rough.

  We were quiet for a moment, each of us caught up in the thrill of the other. “I haven’t had a chance to give you your gift,” I said quietly.

  “Are you kidding? You’re here. That’s beyond enough.”

  I smoothed her hair back and smiled. “Of course I got you a birthday present.” She is so silly. I placed a featherlight kiss on the tip of her nose. “But before I give it to you, I want you to keep an open mind.”

  I felt her tense in my arms. “What did you do, Griffin?” She pushed against me and sat up, crisscrossing her legs. I did the same, mirroring her, then reached for her hands.

  I stared into her eyes, like black holes, praying they’d swallow me up and keep me for a lifetime. “It’s nothing big or extravagant, but when I saw them, I thought of you…and us.”

  Her eyebrows pulled together in confusion. “What does that mean?”

  I lifted my leg over her head and stood. I walked to the closet and reached up, moving a few things out of the way. While she slept off her birthday party, I’d hidden the frames.

  “What are you looking for?” she called from the bed.

  Just then her phone rang. Frantically Jillian patted the blankets until she pulled it free. “It’s probably the pizza guy.”

  Damn it.

  I backed away from the closet.

  “I’ll be right down. Thanks,” Jillian said, ending the call. She smiled. “I was right, it’s the pizza.”

  “Perfect timing,” I mumbled.

  She hopped off the bed and skipped toward me. “I’ll be right back.” Before she opened the door, she snaked her arms around my waist and yanked me down to her face. “You’re acting very strange,” she said, pressing our noses together. “You don’t need to worry. Whatever you got me, I know I’ll love it. I’ve never disliked a present you’ve gotten me.” Then she kissed me…hard. I felt better. If my kisses cured hangovers, then hers were the cure for nerves.

  * * *

  Waiting for her to return, I fell onto the bed. It whined in protest under my large frame. I ignored it and threw my arm across my face.

  The door kicked open and Jillian said, “Dinner is served.”

  “You OK?” I heard her ask.

  I sat up and plastered on a confident smile. I was getting nervous again. I needed her to kiss me. “Yeah, I’m good.”

  She pulled open a drawer and dug out paper plates and napkins. “So are you going to give me my present?” she asked, opening the pizza box.

  “Let’s eat first. I’ll give it to you later.” I pushed off the bed and picked up a plate as I looked into the pizza box. “Pineapple? Seriously?”

  “I only ordered it on my half, not yours.” She tilted her head, giving me a cheeky glare.

  I wrinkled my nose. “Your taste in pizza is hideous.”

  We sat on the floor, each enjoying our personal half of the pizza. I was so hungry. I folded the slice in half and consumed it in three bites before powering down another.

  “Ahh, that was fantastic,” Jillian sighed.

  “Mine was fantastic…not so sure about yours,” I mocked.

  She snatched a piece of pineapple sitting in the empty box and popped it into her mouth. “You don’t know what you’re missing.”

  “I’ve watched you eat pepperoni-and-pineapple pizzas for what…thirteen years now? If I haven’t indulged in y
our exotic taste in pizza yet, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I don’t believe I’m missing much.”

  “Your loss,” she said, standing up. She tossed all the trash into the pizza box and walked it to the trash can beside the door. I watched as she stood on her tiptoes, glancing into the closet for her gift.

  I got up and stretched, my mouth pulling into a yawn. I gave in to my laziness and flopped onto the bed. Amused by her eagerness, I got a kick out of watching her peek into the closet.

  Jillian brushed her hands together, dusting off pizza crumbs. “So, when do I get my present?” she asked, wringing her hands together greedily.

  “Your present, huh?” I sat up with a grunt and took two large strides to stand next to her, in front of the closet. I circled her in my arms, pressing her back to my chest. “I will give you your birthday present on one condition.” I nipped at her ear and rocked her from side to side.

  “What?” She looked up at me over her shoulder.

  “You can’t hide them.”

  “OK? But that’s a silly condition. Why would I want to hide something you got me?”

  “I’ll explain once you open them.” I tickled her sides and she tried to squirm away.

  “Got it,” she laughed, breathing faster now. “Now give me my present, damn it!”

  I kissed the top of her head and stepped to the closet. Behind several smaller boxes, I’d hidden the wrapped frames. Turning, I presented them to her.

  With my arm around her waist, we walked back to the bed. “Do you remember the day you moved in with Jennifer?” I asked as we sat down.

  “Yes,” she groaned. “She wasn’t very happy to have me there and she made sure I knew it.”

  I scooted us back so we rested against the wall. “But I was there to help you.” She dropped her head against my shoulder and my heart jumped.

  “I remember. She loved that, too.”

  “It was fun to get her riled up.” I laughed at the memory. “I remember unpacking a box with pictures, and you just lost it. It scared the fuck out of me. I didn’t know what to do. I tossed the pictures into a random drawer and went to you.”