Setbacks are unavoidable. Notice the strength you’ve already demonstrated and ask God to help you with the additional obstacles, challenges, and roadblocks you’ll face in the future.
CHAPTER 3
TAKE LIFE IN STRIDE
The evening our parents told Shari and me that we would be moving from Jamaica to Miami, Florida, we begged them not to make us move. I was in my last year of elementary school and had been looking forward to starting middle school. I didn’t want to leave my friends, my team, my school, and my coaches.
My mom had already landed a job in Florida by the time they talked to us. My parents saw opportunities were available in the United States that weren’t available in Jamaica.
“No, you move,” I bargained. “We’ll stay here. We can stay with Aunt Bev. We’ll be fine!”
There was one problem: My parents weren’t moving to score opportunities for themselves. They wanted to relocate so that Shari and I would have the chance to earn scholarships and attend great universities. My aunt Maureen, in Florida, and aunt Claire, in Maryland, had convinced our parents that we needed to move to access those opportunities. Their children, who were around my age, had already been living in the States for several years, and they wanted us to join them. The longer we waited, they warned, the less likely we’d be to earn scholarships.
“Please, please, please, please, let us stay here,” Shari begged.
“We promise,” I negotiated, “that we’ll do well in school, and we can still attend college in the United States.”
Our parents weren’t going for it.
“But I just got into Immaculate Conception!” I whined.
The education system is a bit different in Jamaica. Everyone takes a common entrance exam, and your scores determine what schools you attend. Immaculate Conception was one of the best school for girls, and the hardest to get into, but I’d gained admission! My parents had been so proud of me too. They knew it was a great school, but they still weren’t budging.
When Shari and I saw their resolve, we bargained to finish out the last three months of the school year in Jamaica. After some private conversations, my parents agreed. They arranged for Shari and me to stay with the principal of Vaz Prep, who was a good friend of my mom’s. My parents moved to a city near Miami called Pembroke Pines, Florida, where they were having a house built, so my mom could start her job while Shari and I finished up the school year. We were probably happier about going to school than any of the other kids! With the June move to America looming, every day felt precious.
Moving from Jamaica to the United States was much different than moving between two American cities. Sure, we would miss our friends like anyone would. But Jamaica was a small island, and we knew a lot of the people on it! We’d be leaving the music we loved, the culture, and a tight-knit beach community where we were known and loved. Where else but in track-loving Jamaica would everyone on the island know one eleven-year-old girl who happened to be a fast runner?
We were leaving a warm, cozy nest for the bustle of a big new city where we knew almost no one.
Welcomed
Thankfully, when we arrived in Pembroke Pines in the middle of June, our older cousins Kevin and Shelley, who were fifteen and nineteen years old, were there to welcome us. Because they’d moved from Jamaica to the U.S. when they were young, they were more American than Jamaican.
Shelley coached me, “Just be nice to people. Be respectful. You’ll do great.”
Kevin tried to assure me everything would be fine, promising, “You’re funny, and you’re sweet. Just be yourself.”
That was the best advice I received.
Facing change can be scary. Whether it’s change we choose, like stepping up to take an honors class, or change that’s chosen for us, like moving to another country, there will always be adjustments we need to make.
Change is hard.
And as we’re adjusting, we want to be accepted by others. We might think that if we look right, dress right, speak right, or act right, then others will welcome us with open arms. Whether we’re young or old, it can be very tempting to be who we’re not in order to fit in. Without ever meaning to, we start becoming like the people around us.
I think there are two main reasons we’re tempted to act like others as we’re adjusting to change.
The first is so that we don’t stick out. We don’t want to draw attention by wearing the wrong clothes. We don’t want to be seen without a cohort of friends. We don’t want to be caught without the latest phone or gadget.
The second reason we can be tempted to be like others as we’re adjusting to change is because we do want to stick out! We want to be recognized the way others have been. It’s why an athlete might imitate the technique or strategy she’s seen another athlete use to succeed. It’s why a writer might pick up the voice of a writer she admires. Or why a musician might imitate the sound of a popular performer. In the end, though, trying to be like someone else will leave you exhausted and lonely, because you never get to become who you are.
As you face change and adjust to new circumstances, you will thrive if you can stay true to who you are.
Be You
“Have fun,” my cousin Kevin had encouraged me. “Just be yourself.”
His words continued to echo in my ears over the summer as our family adjusted to life in America, and even more so as school began.
In Jamaica, we’d always worn uniforms to school. On my first day of sixth grade in Florida, I got to choose what I wore to school. I basically freaked out about it, planning for an entire week before classes began. I tried on everything in my closet before finally settling on a denim dress with white Chuck Taylors.
I admit it, I wanted to fit in and stand out!
I walked into my first-period class and scanned the room to choose a desk to sit in. Most of the seats were taken. The kids who wanted some distance from the teacher had filled in the back rows, and the kids who wanted to capture the teacher’s attention were filing into the front rows. I sat down at a desk in the middle of the room and opened my binder as if I had something really meaningful to do in there. Kids who hadn’t seen each other all summer were catching up with one another when the teacher walked in.
Instinctively, I leapt to my feet.
In Jamaica, it was common practice for the entire class to stand as a sign of respect when the teacher entered the classroom. When twenty-seven pairs of eyes looked at me standing at attention in the middle of the classroom, like some Martian soldier who’d just landed from outer space, I quickly realized this was not standard protocol in American classrooms and slunk back down into my seat.
Starting middle school in a new country meant a lot of adjustments!
When I told Shari about it at lunch, thinking she’d probably also stood when the teacher walked in, she burst out laughing at me. Apparently, she’d had the good sense to read the room and figure out that the other students were staying seated.
Great first day, right?
But throughout those first few months, I kept hearing Kevin’s words: “Just be yourself.”
Find Your Groove
A few months after school started, I saw signs up around the school advertising tryouts for the girls’ basketball team. Although I didn’t know it at the time, trying out for basketball was probably one of the best moves I could have made. It was an easy way to build relationships with new friends. All the girls on the team loved sports, and working together was a natural way to bond.
I know that athletic competition isn’t for everyone, but if you are open to trying it out, I encourage you to do so. Yes, it’s a great place to make friends. But there’s so much more value in sports that ripples through other areas of your life.
Sadly, research has shown that a lot of girls try sports, but then drop out between the ages of eleven and fourteen. Back when my mom was a girl in the 1960s, there was this myth that sports were for tomboys. Even today, as some girls move into puberty and become more intere
sted in their appearance and in boys, they might decide that athletic competition isn’t for feminine girls.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
In fact, I’m proud to say that I’m one of the most feminine girlie girls I know. I love getting my nails and hair done, and dressing to look my best. And I’m not the only one; if you’ve seen any of the last few Olympics, check out the hair and nails on the track athletes. For some races, the starting blocks look like a beauty pageant! The old myth that sports are for boys, or for tomboys, just isn’t true.
Unfortunately, a number of girls today take the opportunities available to female athletes for granted. It’s important to know, though, that as recently as the 1960s and early 1970s, girls and women were denied many opportunities to compete at sports that were available to their male peers. That all changed with Title IX, a 1972 Educational Amendment guaranteeing that people can’t be excluded based on their sex from participation in educational programs or activities that receive federal financial assistance. We are incredibly fortunate today that so many possibilities are available.
I’ve learned many things through sports that have developed who I am as a person off the track, court, and field. I’ve gained confidence that I’m a capable person who can do anything I set my mind to. I’m more fearless, because I know what I’m able to accomplish. So much of what I learned through sports translates into what I’m doing every day in business, media, communications, and even marriage!
Consider sports. And don’t believe that just because some girls might have been playing soccer since they were three, or basketball since they were eight, that you’re behind. Remember, my husband, Ross, started football in tenth grade. If you want to try out for your school’s tennis team, or if you want to get some great exercise by joining the swim team, go for it. Sports can help you grow and develop into the kind of resilient person who’s adept at navigating change.
Something New
As you face new or changing circumstances in your own life, I hope you’ll gather your courage to try something new, even if it’s not sports.
Maybe you’ll find your groove by joining the chess club or a foreign language club. Or maybe you’ll explore the theater or even join an art class. Trying out a host of opportunities gives you the chance to discover what you’re good at and what brings you joy.
I’d also encourage you to keep your eyes open for opportunities to serve others. Our society bombards us with the message that our lives should be all about us and the next flattering selfie we can post on social media. But Jesus calls us to something radically different when he invites us to spend our lives serving others. Maybe you know of a nursing home where lonely folks would welcome a visit. Or maybe there’s a student at school with an intellectual disability who’d love to go to a movie with you. If you keep your eyes open, God will show you the people he loves whom you can love too. Though it seems counterintuitive, when you’re facing changes and challenges in your own life, helping others helps you.
A final reason it’s great to explore new possibilities is that the place where you find meaning and fulfillment is also where you can connect with people who love what you love. One of the reasons that basketball and track were such a win for me in my new school was that they also provided a great sense of community. My teammates and I clicked because of what we shared in common. Those friendships became a safe space where I could be myself. Even if you have a good group of friends, stay open to the possibility that there might be someone new who can be a supportive friend.
Adapt and Grow
As you face new circumstances—new schools, new friends, new challenges—you’ll probably start out feeling uncomfortable and gradually grow more comfortable. That’s normal. And while comfort is great, I want you to consider the possibility that God might have even more for you.
For instance, one of the first friends I made at Pines Middle School was Karel Crawford. We clicked right away. Karel had four or five close friends, so we all ate lunch together. Through Karel, I ended up developing friendships with those other girls. As a new student, it felt great to be welcomed and accepted by them.
After a bit, I began to branch out. In fact, I loved moving around and sitting with all different kinds of students. As I got more and more comfortable being in my own skin—in Kevin’s words, just being myself—everyone in school was fair game to be my friend! So while it was great to be welcomed by others, I eventually became the welcomer. I didn’t stay in my comfort zone, but began to reach out to get to know other people.
If you’re an introvert, I know that probably sounds horrible. But even introverts can welcome one new person who’s facing adjustments of their own.
Sometimes we choose changes and other times they choose us. It’s natural to have some anxiety about facing and adapting to new circumstances. As you decide to be flexible—and be yourself!—I’m confident that you can take change in stride.
RIGHT ON TRACK CHALLENGE
What kinds of change have you faced or are facing now?
•Have you moved between houses, cities, states, or countries?
•Have you lost a loved one?
•Has your family changed because of divorce or other loss?
•Have you faced health challenges?
•Have you navigated other tricky changes?
Throughout your life, you’ll face a variety of changes. What resources will you use to take them in stride?
CHAPTER 4
BE TRUE TO YOU
On my first day of sixth grade in Florida, wearing my denim dress and white Chuck Taylors, I had butterflies in my stomach as my dad dropped Shari and me at the curb of Pines Middle School.
Would I be accepted? Would I have friends? Would I fit in?
I’m pleased to report that, in my first-period class, one of the girls complimented me on my shoes.
Thank you, God.
There were a lot of differences between life in Jamaica and life in America. In Jamaica, we’re proud of our flavorful cuisine. At my school, we’d have warm, cooked meals at lunch that included Jamaican rice, chicken, and vegetables. At my new school, though, I was surprised to be served cold chocolate pudding, pizza, and French fries. Because my diet was so important in our home, I knew I’d be bringing my own lunch to school.
Students’ attitudes toward adults were also different. In the school I’d attended, teachers wielded a lot of authority. We respected them the way we would a parent or an aunt or uncle. If a student gave a teacher attitude, or talked back, he could be sent to the principal’s office for a spanking! In my new school, however, I was shocked to hear students speaking to teachers as if they were peers.
Though I didn’t imitate them, I got used to the attitudes of students. And the food. But other adjustments would take a bit longer.
Keep Talking
For the first few summer months, before school started, Shari and I spent most of our time around family members who already lived in the States. Having moved from a small island to a sprawling continent, it felt good to be near them. Though most had lived in the States for over a decade, the familiarity felt like home. And because they’d known me my whole life—and because they were Jamaican—my cousins, aunts, and uncles had no trouble understanding my thick Jamaican accent.
The first day at Pines Middle School, though, was the first time I ever heard my own accent.
No one teased me. Quite the opposite, in fact. My classmates loved the way I spoke. They were captivated by my speech.
At lunchtime, Shari and I sat with a group of girls who were really nice.
“Keep talking! Keep talking!” they pleaded.
Normally I don’t shy away from being the center of attention, but their fascination with me—as if I’d landed in Miami after falling from Jupiter—wasn’t the kind of attention I wanted. It felt weird.
It wasn’t just the accent, either. Some of the words we used in Jamaica were different too.
Before school one day, I
witnessed a fight between two boys in the hallway outside the school gym. It was rough! When a teacher broke it up, sending spectators on to our next classes, I passed a few girls in the hallway who were eager to know what had happened. Feeling like I belonged, I told them what I’d witnessed.
“He tumped him!” I explained.
They looked confused.
“He tumped him!” I repeated, articulating each syllable.
Blank stares.
“What?” they asked in unison.
“You know, tump?”
When they continued to stare at me, I pantomimed a punching motion.
“Oh . . .” One girl smiled. “Punch! You mean punch?” She imitated my air punching.
That’s when I learned that tump, a Jamaican synonym for “punch,” wasn’t a word my classmates had ever heard.
I felt so embarrassed.
And I didn’t want to stick out again.
So I started watching American movies, studying the dialect of American actors and actresses. I made mental notes that you could “punch” someone, “hit” them, or “deck” them. I also listened to how each word was pronounced.
My what a gwan became what’s up.
My irie morphed into cool.
And bredbren became bro.
I became a student of American dialect and, if I don’t mind saying, I nailed it.
By the end of middle school, people meeting me for the first time would usually ask, “Are you from New York?”
Hey, what can I say? I watched movies set in the Big Apple!
When I came to America, I wanted nothing more than to blend in. The trouble is that when we try to blend in, we risk losing important parts of ourselves. We can even begin to compromise who we are and what we believe. Thankfully, changing the way I pronounced a few words didn’t change the essence of who I was. But I was in need of some kind of anchor that would ground me in the ways that mattered most.
Choices
Figuring out who we are and who we want to be in middle school and high school can be tricky. We want others to notice us, but no one wants to stick out like a sore thumb. Sure, we want to be seen and known, but being too different feels like a risk that many of us don’t want to take. A lot of young people would rather go along with the crowd than stand up and be who they really are.
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