by Nikki Blythe
“You could have said something before I spent hours applying makeup, dressing myself, and imagining the future we could have had. You’re pathetic, Gareth. You know, I thought this whole year that maybe you were happy with her; I didn’t think you’d have moved on by now.”
I glanced to the poor woman, his newest victim. I noticed a glint on her left hand and peered at her hand only to find that she wore the very same ring he had given me once upon a time.
“You didn’t even bother to buy her a unique ring, Gareth?” I laughed. I turned to her. “One woman to another? Stay far away from this one. It’s for your own good.”
Before either could respond, I stomped past them and kept walking towards my apartment.
I couldn’t understand that man, and I knew it would do my no good to try. I might have come on a little strong, but I felt it my duty to warn that poor woman about what she was getting herself into.
I turned to look behind me and smirked with a grim satisfaction when I saw that he was walking alone. His date had stomped on ahead of him, leaving him behind altogether. I turned back towards my destination and walked a bit faster. I didn’t want to be alone in the dark after I just angered my ex and lost him his date.
If I was being perfectly honest, after the wedding I had felt a sense of relief. There were always signs. Gareth's eyes would linger on the bum of a waitress on date nights, or he would talk about how he would miss the single life, once the shackles of marriage were applied to him.
I always thought he just had a funny sense of humor, an absurd way of looking at the world, but looking back, I scolded myself for not seeing it sooner, for not ejecting myself from that relationship as expediently as possible.
For him to have moved on to another woman by now shouldn't have shocked me, but it absolutely did. He imploded our whole relationship over the wedding planner and their “love,” and yet he was out in the streets with another woman. Maybe he was still with the wedding planner. Maybe he was cheating. Maybe this was the fourth woman in a year.
Who knew? I berated myself for putting so much thought into Gareth and his myriad women.
I startled as I realized I was standing on my front stoop. I hadn't realized I was already home, having been so lost in thought. Autopilot had guided me safely to my front door, it seemed. I sighed and withdrew my keys from my purse and pushed my way inside.
A loud mewing came from below, and I stooped to grab Freckles. He was a white tabby, but he had small orange spots all over him. I adopted him the day after returning most of my wedding gifts to various guests who lived in town. Wine-drunk me had though Freckles was the cutest, and most sensible name for the friendly thing. He had been my constant companion since Gareth left, and if I was being honest with myself, I never thought I'd need another man in my life.
But then came Neville. What was I going to do about him? He acted as if he was into me in one breath, and in the next he was pushing me away, and acting aloof and hard-to-reach.
I set my keys on the table my the front door, then locked the door behind me as I pulled my phone from my purse, before tossing that on the couch. My phone had been off all day, as I didn't like interruptions while working. I had the studio phone set up from day one, so that any business calls could come to that line, and I could keep better focus on my work. It was a good system, and I had even gone so far as to suggest to my clients that they should take on a similar habit, perhaps set aside a few hours a day where their phone was nowhere to be found. I tried to foster mindfulness and a sense of presence with my clients.
I turned my phone on and watched as the logo greeted me. The phone blipped to life with a little jingle, and I waited for the home screen to populate. No new notifications, but they usually took a few moments to come in, so I set my phone down and went to wash my hands and splash some water on my face. When I got back to my phone, there were a few missed calls from the girls, which I vowed to return in the morning. I wanted to tell them about the “not date” with Neville, but I also wanted some time with the news myself before I told anyone.
There was only one text notification when all notifications came through, and it was from the devil himself. I smiled, thinking it must be some sweet comment, but as soon as I saw the first few words, my heart sank.
“Hey, I'm sorry, I just don't think we should be doing this. I can't explain, just trust that I have both our best interests at heart.”
What the fuck?
First of all, who talked like that?
Second of all, who was he to decide what was best for me? That had to be the biggest red flag of the whole text message. I typed out a lengthy reply that basically boiled down to, “I'm sorry, but what?”
I paused, reread my unsent message, then decided to delete it, and tossed my phone on the armchair catty corner to the couch I sat on. I wasn't going to deign to respond to a message so weird and conflicting. If I really thought about it, I had to admit, he never actually shown any sort of vehement interest. Perhaps I was right when I thought I had projected my feelings and hopes onto him, and that wasn't fair of me at all. His friend seemed more interested in getting us together than Neville did himself, and that should have been a sign for me to back off and move on.
Freckles jumped in my lap, distracting me from my reverie, and I gave him a quick scratch before pushing myself up off the couch with a groan. I pulled my arms across my chest to stretch my sore muscles and tried to push Neville from my mind, but to no avail.
I walked to the kitchen and pulled a frozen dinner from the freezer. Once that was in the microwave, I turned and fed Freckles, who had been mewing at my feet since the moment I stepped through the front door. All while absent-mindedly caring for the cat, I couldn’t shake the thoughts of my predicament with Neville. I wondered if I should take my friends' advice and pursue him, or if I should just take the hint and back off. There was something telling me to keep pursuing this, but I couldn’t tell if it was lust or intuition.
The microwave beeped, and I grabbed my food and wandered to the living room. I settled in for my dinner and my favorite garbage television, Love Island, and tried to take my mind off the entire situation. It was as I watched a buff Australian man rebuff the advances of a young Irish woman that I realized Neville might not be sending me the signals I thought he was, and if I wanted to avoid further embarrassment, I should veer off my current course as soon as possible. It wasn’t worth being humiliated all over again for the sake of some boy who clearly had no proper interest in me.
Chapter Nine
Neville
I hadn't spoken to Cedar since I sent her the cancellation text, one week ago. I didn't really think she would be too happy to see me in class, especially since Levi ducked out, proclaiming yoga to be far more exercise than he was accustomed to. I thought that was a load of bullshit, considering the man spent hours in the gym every week to ensure his cut physique.
I considered not going to class at all, but because Cedar never responded to my text, I felt an enormous amount of guilt. I hoped I hadn't led her on, but of course, I probably had.
I stood in the lobby of her studio, waiting for the rest of my class to leave after class ended. I pulled my sweat-soaked shirt from my body and fanned myself. Yoga really was no joke, but I had to admit how relaxed I felt. It was nice to feel so exhausted, as if I had been productive.
Finally, the last of my fellow classmates left, and I approached Cedar, who stood beside the door, bidding everyone farewell.
“Hey,” I said, rather impotently, I thought.
“Hey,” she said.
I expected her tone to be one of cool disinterest, verging on frosty. I didn't expect that she would sound cheerful, as if nothing had transpired between us. Hell, maybe nothing had actually happened. Maybe I imagined the whole thing.
“I just wanted to apologize,” I said. “I feel horrible for canceling our plans like I did.”
“Oh, don't worry about it,” she laughed.
It seemed forced. S
he may not have been cold towards me, but I could tell that my cancellation had bothered her.
So, I wasn't imagining things. There was something between us.
“I am worried, though,” I continued. “I know we just barely met, but I do feel a sort of connection between us, and I'd like to be friends.”
Cedar froze. It was almost imperceptible. Her shoulders tensed, and her eyes darted to Bethany at the front desk.
“Bethany, I'll be in my office with Neville here, okay? If anyone calls for me, just tell them I'm in a meeting.” She turned her eyes back to me. “Follow me, we're not having this discussion right here.”
I sighed, but did as I was bid. I didn't think it would be a very good idea to be locked up in a room with her, with no supervision and no way to keep my emotions in check. As it was, I had a hard time keeping myself from growing hard during class with her. My mind constantly wandered to taking her in my arms, and falling to the yoga mats, just the two of us, intertwined in ecstasy.
She led me through a glass-paned door, and into a rather lovely office space. The room was the most tranquil place I had ever been. One wall was obscured by a six-foot tall water feature that created an ambient babbling brook noise. Her desk sat in front of another wall, this one composed entirely of windows. On her desk sat a sand garden and an oil diffuser. The warm herbal scent washed over me, calming me immediately. The soft hues of the remaining walls pulled the whole thing together, and I felt like I had just slipped into a warm bath.
“Take a seat,” Cedar said in a quiet voice, gesturing to one of the lush armchairs in front of her desk.
She took a seat behind her desk, which I thought was the most prudent decision, because with how relaxed I felt, I wasn't sure I could keep myself from enacting my daydream from earlier.
I had to remind myself that there were very valid reasons that I wasn't pursuing this relationship, despite how good Cedar made me feel about myself and life in general.
Share stared at me for a moment, then spoke again.
“You were saying?” She prompted gently.
“Right, sorry. I got lost in admiring your office,” I admitted. “It's so comfortable in here.”
She looked around. “Thank you. I really wanted to create a little oasis for me to escape to after a hard day's work. My ex always thought my dreams of owning a yoga studio were silly. He would frequently say how I should have a high-powered career in the corporate world. That's just not for me, though.”
“My-er-ex was the same way about my dream of being a tattoo artist,” I said.
Why did I say that? Faith wasn't my ex. I had decided to stay with her. Hadn't I come here to be honest with Cedar, to tell her the truth of the situation? I was becoming a monster, clearly.
“Oh, so you definitely get it then. The need to create something that is so uniquely you in an effort to throw off the shackles of what life was like before you were single.”
“I do,” I admitted. “People need room to breathe and grow. To stifle your partner in their dreams or creativity is one of the worst crimes you can commit in a relationship, you know?”
“I do,” she smiled.
That smile. It sent a ripple of longing through me. I wanted to press my lips to that smile and make her long for me as much as I did for her. But I couldn't think like that. I had to remember Faith.
I straightened in my seat and took a deep breath.
“Look,” I began. “I just came by to apologize. I don't want you thinking I want nothing to do with you or anything like that, it's just, I have commitments that prevent me going out right now, and while Levi is pushing for that eventuality, I just want-”
“To take it slow?” She cut in.
I met her eyes and there was the heavy glint of hope behind them.
I wanted to say, “No, I want to stay friends, because I value your presence in my life.”
Instead, I said, “Yes.”
A moment of heavy silence fell over the pair of us as we both considered the ramifications of what we just admitted silently to one another: we wanted to be together.
“I have a confession to make,” Cedar said suddenly.
My eyes snapped to hers in bewilderment. What could she possibly have to confess?
Before I could ask for clarification, she was speaking again.
“The day we met was the one-year anniversary of my wedding.”
I startled. “You're married?”
Suddenly I wasn't feeling so guilty anymore.
“No, no,” she said. “He left me at the altar for our wedding planner. The reason I'm telling you this isn't for pity,” she gave me a sharp look. “I tell you because I need you to understand how distrustful I am of the whole institution of love. I find it hard to believe it really exists. A part of me died the day he left, sure, but at the same time, another part of me was relieved. Him leaving meant I didn't have to live my life for someone else. I was suddenly free to be me, with absolutely zero repercussions for going after my dreams.”
“That makes perfect sense,” I breathed when she paused.
“It does?” She asked, canting her head. “Because lately, since the day I met you, actually, I have been doubting my conviction that I was happy to stay single. I like you a lot, Neville. You're sweet, artistic, and caring. You're everything I would look for in a guy.”
“But?” I asked, my voice low, my eyes trained on hers. Those beautiful blue eyes, genetically designed to make me melt.
“But, when you canceled the date, I felt that same sense of relief I felt when Gareth canceled our future together.”
“Oh,” I said.
A tightness began in my chest, and I felt my lungs constricting.
Cedar stood from her chair and walked around the desk to settle in the chair next to me.
“I also felt a profound sadness, however. It makes me wonder if maybe my relief is just a holdover from when Gareth left, and perhaps it wasn't that I was relieved that you canceled the date, so much as it was a relief that I wouldn't have to become invested, only to be hurt again. I believe firmly in honesty, and I believe that we shouldn't deny ourselves the truth of any situation we find ourselves in. And the truth, as I see it, is that we are both attracted to one another.”
There was another moment of silence as all I could do was stare at her. I couldn't find my words. How strange and exhilarating it was to be sitting in front of someone who knew their own mind so well, who could find the truth of the situation without bias. I blinked in stunned silence, but the longer it took for me to come up with what I wanted to say, the more she wilted.
“Am I wrong?” She asked, her voice soft, but not meek.
“No,” I choked out. “It's just... now is not a good time for me to be getting involved. I can't really explain why, but I am working on it. I promise.”
Cedar took my hands in hers and smiled again. Despite the lack of sexual nature to our conversation, my pants grew tighter as she held my hands. Her hands were soft, and her touch sent waves of electrical impulses through my fingers and into my arms. I struggled against taking her face into my hands and drawing her into the kiss I longed to give her.
“I'm not really ready for a relationship either,” she said. “It's something I've fought against for the past year, and in all honesty, I worry so much about finding myself in a relationship where the possibility of my partner cheating is a thing. Or worse yet, a relationship where I lose whole parts of myself, as if pieces of me are the sacrificial lamb to make the relationship work.”
“I can't imagine anyone is so stupid as to cheat on you,” I smirked.
“My ex did, frequently. He was an absolute moron, but at the same time, I shouldn't have trusted him to stop after I caught him at it the first time.”
I shook my head. “Sometimes we can't help but to forgive our partners for their transgressions, abusive or not. We want so badly for them to be the good that we see in them, it's all too easy to look past the behavior that harms us the most.”
Cedar nodded. “You're right.”
“Don't blame yourself for forgiving him when he continually did you wrong. Blame him for taking advantage of your kindness and your goodness.”
We stared at each other a moment, and I realized I said that as much for my benefit as I did for hers. I needed to let Faith go. It was time to stop wasting time in a relationship that made me miserable. Life was too short.
With that thought in mind, I reached a hand up to stroke Cedar's cheek as our eyes met. There was something electric in the air as we sat, inches apart. So close to one another, but not close enough. I stood and grabbed Cedar's hand, pulling her into a standing position as well. My hand found her cheeked again, and I ran my finger along the side of her face, looking down as she looked up at me. She seemed slightly perplexed at first, but then her hands found my chest, and she leaned into me as we stood, just looking into each other's eyes.
I bent to run my lips across hers, just to breathe her in, to take in her scent. I wanted to take her, to be with her in the most intimate way, but I wanted to be sure that was what she wanted, most of all. Her lips parted, and she pressed them lightly against mine. That was all the sign I needed.
I kissed her hungrily, as I wrapped my arm around her back. She was about a foot shorter than me, so when I pulled her into me, she was forced to stand on her toes as we kissed. My free hand found the side of her face, and that seemed to cause a reaction within Cedar. She wrapped both arms around my neck and pulled herself up to wrap her legs around my waist. In response, I moved my hands to her thighs so that I could hold her in position. My pants had grown uncomfortably tight as we continued to kiss, and I held her tight against me, hoping she could feel how much I wanted her in that moment.
At one point, she nipped my lip lightly with her teeth, and I growled as I kissed her hard. I set her down, then ran my hands up her waist. I only pulled my hands away from her body long enough to undo the closure on my pants, and I was pleased when she took that sign, and removed her shirt. As soon as my pants were unzipped, I grabbed her thighs again and pulled her legs around my waist once more. She pressed herself against my hardness, and I gently rocked my hips back and forth as we stood. She moaned into my lips and moved her hips back and forth against me. I realized all too quickly that this wouldn't be a sustainable position, so I walked until her back was against the wall on the opposite side of the office from the water feature. She was pinned between the wall and my body.