“You don’t see yourself clearly.” She tells me the words I told her months ago.
I tell her something that’s equally true in return. “I love you, my Rose.”
Chapter 33
Charlotte
“You need to take it easy,” I scold Logan, standing over him like a worried hen, my hands on my hips.
It’s the second week of Logan’s radiation treatments, something that usually leaves him drained and tired, but today he seems to have energy.
The first week was really hard on him, and it seems to be getting better each day. But I can’t get over how difficult the first week was. Today’s a new day, I think, closing my eyes and breathing in deep.
He hasn’t needed my help with getting out of bed nor with putting his clothes on. He’s even lifted a few things, despite me telling him not to, and hasn’t seemed to exhaust himself doing it. Still, I think he should be in bed resting like Doctor Wallace ordered, but he doesn’t follow the rules no matter how hard I try to enforce them.
Logan gets what Logan wants. Everything else be damned.
Such thoughts would’ve turned me on in the past, but now I’m constantly worried. This is his health at stake. He needs to conserve every ounce of energy so he can fight the battle that lies ahead, not use it on work that will be there whenever he’s ready to come back to it.
For the past hour I’ve been trying to get him to get some much needed rest, but he’s refused, opting to answer business emails and go over contracts on his laptop instead.
“The company is running fine without you, trust me,” I assure him. If only Logan would relax, I think to myself, it would make my job so much easier.
Since Logan’s left the hospital I’ve become his unofficial nurse, checking up on him and handling all of his immediate needs. It hasn’t been easy with his constant desire to keep tabs on Parker-Moore, and it makes me frustrated. His health is more important.
“I’m fine,” Logan assures me, tearing his eyes from his laptop screen and looking up at me with a handsome grin. Surprisingly, he looks well rested today and he’s sitting in his office chair in just red boxer briefs and no shirt. I must admit, he’s a sight for sore eyes, but I’m more concerned with his recovery; it’s all I’m concerned about. I let out a heavy sigh and push my hair over my shoulders. My heart feels so heavy.
I’m still having a hard time getting over the shock at finding out he has cancer. He looked so healthy, I never would have suspected he was sick. Just knowing that he’s been secretly dealing with this pain all this time makes me want to break down into tears. “I’m just answering these emails and going over some contracts.”
I open my lips to argue, but then close them. I know Logan isn’t going to listen to me, no matter how much I bitch at him.
Good thing Trent is running the company, I think to myself. Otherwise, Mr. CEO here would kill himself to make sure everything was working right.
After he found out the news, Trent offered to take over as CEO until Logan is well enough to work again. To ensure that Logan doesn’t try to overwork himself, he’s refused to give Logan updates about the company’s status and he won’t take his calls.
It’s pissed Logan off, but it’s for his own good.
As far as anyone at the company knows, Logan is on a three-week vacation. There was some gossip back at the company about Logan going to jail, but after Patterson was arrested and plead guilty to the charges after seeing the evidence against him, that all stopped.
“You need to stop worrying about me,” Logan scolds me, seeing my concerned expression. “You’re only going to stress yourself out. And I don’t want that.”
“Well that’s not happening,” I tell him firmly. I hate how casual he is about brushing off my concerns. I think he does it to hide his worry and put me at ease, but he doesn’t have to. I don’t want him to either. I’m here for him. All of him. I wish he would confide in me more. “I’m going to worry whether you like it or not, thank you very much.”
Logan cocks an eyebrow and sits back in his chair. Desire stirs within me, seeing his six-pack abs that seem even more well-defined these days. He’s lost some weight from being sick in the hospital, maybe five pounds, but he still looks the same, still devastatingly handsome. And the sight of him brings the part of me that needs his comforting touch to the forefront. “Oh yeah?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
“Come here,” he says and pats his lap, scooting the chair out from his desk. I hesitate for a moment, wondering if it’s prudent to sit on him, but I can’t deny the urge. For a full week, sex and even the idea of sex have been nonexistent. Worry and fear were a constant, but things are different now. And I love it when he holds me. Right now, I need him to soothe my pain. Even if that makes me selfish.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I nestle into his lap as he spears his fingers through my hair. He looks up at me with an intensity that makes shivers run down my neck and arms. “You’re so fucking beautiful, you know that?”
My cheeks heat at his praise and warmth flows through my chest at his words. “Stop it.”
Logan shakes his head. “No,” he begins and there’s strength in his words I don’t expect, “the day I met you was the luckiest day of my life.” He gently rubs his nose against mine and says, “You saved me.”
Tears prick my eyes and begin rolling down my face. “I love you,” I whisper, my heart aching. I tell him that as often as I can. If nothing else, I need him to know how much I truly love him. I wipe the tears from my eyes and try to stop being so emotional.
“And I love you too, my beautiful Rose.” He pulls me down against him, pressing his lips against mine. I kiss him back with all the passion I have, pushing myself into him. His hands roam down my body and I groan at the sensation. It feels amazing to be touched by him again. Beneath me, I can feel his hard cock against my ass, pulsating and throbbing. I want him, and I moan into his kiss at the thought. I need him. Now.
We shouldn’t be doing this, I tell myself, but I don’t push him away. I gasp as he pinches my nipple, which sends a throbbing need to my clit. He groans into my mouth as his hand travels up my shirt. Logan should be resting and recovering. But it feels so right. And I want him just as much as he wants me.
He’s in the process of undoing my bra when there's a knock at the door. Startled and breathless, I jump out of his lap and start smoothing out my outfit.
Shit. I forgot Doctor Wallace was stopping by. I try to smooth out my hair and calm myself down as Logan smirks at me and rises out of the chair. I watch as he repositions himself inside his boxers to make his erection less obvious before he goes over to answer the door.
The lust I was feeling moments ago floods out of me as Doctor Wallace walks into the room carrying a large black bag, and I’m filled with anxiety.
“Good afternoon,” the doctor greets me with a smile that makes me even more nervous.
“Good afternoon, Doctor Wallace,” I barely say above a murmur as I respectfully give him a wide berth, taking a seat in the corner of the room.
The doctor gives me a tight smile and says, “Just checking in on Mr. Parker here.” He sets his bag down on Logan’s desk, and I stare at it numbly, hating it. Hating that Logan has to go through this, hating that he’s sick at all. I clench my fists with anger thinking about it.
I need to think happy thoughts and stay positive. But it’s hard. Logan’s outlook looks bleak. Stage four. Who beats that? My heart squeezes in my chest and I have to close my eyes to keep the tears from sliding out. I just want him healthy.
Doctor Wallace begins his physical examination that I’ve seen a few times now, checking Logan’s vital signs, shining a light into his eyes and performing an oral examination. All the questions are the same. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen the examination, but I listen just as closely, and my heart slows all the same. Every second feels like a lifetime. I just need him to be okay.
“Everything seems to be as expected, Mr. Par
ker,” Doctor Wallace says when he’s done with his diagnostics. “Well, you’re doing better than I expected you would at this stage.” He sits back with a nod and says, “That’s a good sign.”
The doctor’s words are soothing, but it’s still hard to have hope. Just because Logan appears to be doing okay, doesn’t mean anything if the cancer is still there.
I pray that it only gets better from here. It has to. It better. “It does?” Logan lets out a deep breath and says, “Good.”
Doctor Wallace nods. “It does indeed.” He looks around and scratches his nose. “Actually, I thought you’d be in bed like I told you.”
Logan grins over at me. “It’s hard to lie there and sleep when I have such a beautiful woman to keep me company.”
The doctor chuckles, and a fierce blush comes over my cheeks. It’s cute, but I know Logan is worried just as much as I am deep down. I want to laugh and pretend that everything is okay, but I can’t. This cuts too deep.
“What happens after this?” I ask concernedly.
Doctor Wallace turns to look at me. “We continue the treatments everyday so long as Logan feels well enough, until it’s gone.” He looks back at Logan and pats him on the shoulder. “If it gets to be too much, we can take a break and see how you recover.” His voice is somber, and it makes my heart clench.
I suck in a painful breath, my heart feeling like it’s being crushed. I wish there were something I could do to cure Logan, to take his pain away.
Fuck cancer, I think to myself angrily, fighting back the sea of tears. Logan doesn’t deserve this shit.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Logan,” Doctor Wallace replies, rising to his feet and gathering his instruments into his black bag. Tomorrow’s another day of radiation. At least the weekends he has off. But knowing tomorrow is going to be difficult… it hurts.
Bidding us farewell, Doctor Wallace turns to leave the room, but before he can walk out, I stop him at the door.
“Is he really going to be alright?” I ask him quietly. I hate asking him this, and I feel somewhat confrontational, but I can’t let him leave me with a sense of false hope. I don’t want to think Logan is going to be okay if he’s not. “Please, don’t sugarcoat it. I want the one hundred percent truth.”
Doctor Wallace gives me a sad smile and places a firm hand on my shoulder. “As much as I would love to be able to ease your worries, Charlotte, I can’t give you a definite answer. The treatments we’re using have worked many times for my patients, and Logan’s condition today is a good sign. But I can’t give you anything definitive. Will Logan be alright? Only God knows that.”
The doctor leaves, and I close the door behind him. Feeling a bit weak, I lean against the door for support, my forehead pressed against the hard wood.
Behind me I hear footsteps, and then I feel strong arms wrapping around my waist. I can’t help but melt into his embrace.
“Stop worrying, Rose,” Logan whispers in my ear before delivering a small kiss to my neck. “I’ll be alright. You heard the man.” He’s trying to inject strength in his voice, to soothe me, but I can still sense the uncertainty hiding in his words. The pain.
Fuck. It hurts. “I’ll try not to,” I say over the lump in my throat. I turn to face him, fighting back the tears and look into his face. “I just love you so much and want to see you get through this.”
Logan squeezes me as tight as his diminished strength allows and returns my kiss. “I promise you, my Rose, I won’t stop fighting. If there is any chance of me beating this thing, I’m going to fucking do it. For myself, but most of all, for you.”
The tears can’t be denied, they flow down my face in a torrent and I collapse against Logan, sobbing. Fuck this. Fuck life. Fuck everything.
“I need you to be strong for me, Rose,” Logan urges me, kissing my hair and rocking me gently. “Everything’s going to be okay, and even if it’s not, I’ll always be here for you.” I cry harder, big hiccuping sobs, until I’m gasping for breath. Logan continues to rock me, comforting me, holding me, loving me, until I’m all cried out.
“I’m so sorry,” I lament when it’s over, sniffling and wiping at my nose. I feel slightly embarrassed. Breaking down like that isn’t going to make anything better. But I needed to get that out since I’ve been holding the pain inside for days now. “You’re right. I need to be strong.”
He rests his forehead against mine and says, “You are strong, my Rose.” He kisses me sweetly and I mold my body to his. He takes my hand in his and raises it above my head, all the while kissing me. But it’s awkward, it feels weird and I don’t know what he’s doing. I break the kiss and look up as he’s slipping a golden engagement ring sparkling against the light onto my ring finger.
My heart stops in my chest and my mouth falls open. He releases my hand and pulls back slightly. A ring. I stare at my hand in disbelief.
“Oh my God,” I gasp, clutching my hand to my chest as my heart skips a beat. Ordinarily, something like this would have sent me through the roof, but I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
The tears are back, and I fucking hate it. I’m two seconds away from being a blubbering mess again and it’s for all the wrong reasons.
“Marry me, Rose,” Logan implores, his heart in his eyes. It tears at me. He can see my pain, and I can see his. “Marry me tonight.” He pauses and says, “Or tomorrow at the latest.”
I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. This should be the happiest moment of my life. I should be jumping up and down with joy, yet all I can feel is a heavy, crushing pain that refuses to get the fuck off my chest.
The heavy feeling is compounded by the knowledge of why Logan wants me to marry him tonight.
Because he knows he might not be here tomorrow.
The thought is nearly enough to bring me to my knees and I sway like a leaf in the wind. Logan catches me before I can fall, and I hate myself for it. Here I am falling to pieces, when I should be strong for him. For us both. Logan continues the assault on my heart, though I know he doesn’t mean to. “If something happens to me, I want you to have everything. The business, all my assets. Everything.”
I shake my head, feeling like I’m being suffocated. “No, Logan. I refuse to accept it, and I don’t- I can’t marry you for that… That’s not-” I shake my head, unable to accept this and unable to talk and my heart tries to leap up my throat. I can’t take the thought of him dying. I can’t bear it.
Logan continues to hold me tight and it breaks my heart because I know he’s using what little strength he has to hold onto me. “I want you to marry me because I fucking love you.”
The pain is surreal. I’m so choked up that it’s hard to breathe, much less get out words. “Logan…” I croak.
Logan pulls me in tighter, kissing the tears staining my face. “Just tell me yes, Rose. I need this. Don’t deny me, my Rose.” He squeezes me weakly.
My words are choked and reflect the pain I’m in as I stare into his loving gaze. “Only if you promise to never leave me,” I whisper, barely hanging on by a thread. I know it’s a promise that Logan has no way of knowing he can keep, but I want it anyway.
Logan hesitates and it sends a sharp pain into my heart. In this moment, a promise is a hollow thing. We both know it. But I need to hear it. I need something to hold on to. “I’ll do my best,” Logan finally replies, and it doesn’t make me feel any better. “I’ll stick around forever... or for as long as I'm able to fight.”
I can’t take anymore.
Feeling like my heart is going to explode, I collapse against him and sob into his chest until I’m all spent.
Over and over I tell him, “I love you, Logan.” I plead with him, “Don’t leave me.”
“I love you, my Rose,” he says softly and with a sincerity I can’t deny.
Chapter 34
Logan
“This is where he lives?” my Rose asks me as she slips out of the car. I have my hand held out for her, and although she rests her
small hand in mine, she doesn’t put her weight in it. I wish she would. I wish she wouldn't walk on eggshells around me.
It was better when I’d kept it hidden. When she didn’t know about the cancer, and was blissfully unaware.
Things are different between us, and in some ways I hate it. Like this moment, when she didn’t even want me to drive. Others are sweeter now that her walls have fallen down and she doesn’t hide a thing from me. Those moments make it all worth it.
I stretch out and even though it’s brisk in the early morning, the chill feels refreshing.
“Yes, it’s been… nearly seven years now.” I answer her question as she takes in the ancient stone building. I shell out a pretty penny for my father to live here, but it’s the best service and quality that any place has to offer for him in his state.
My heart pains in my chest at the thought; I almost had myself admitted to a similar environment.
I close the door with a heavy heart as Rose’s heels click on the sidewalk and a breeze lifts the dried leaves off the ground, causing a soft rustling to fill my senses.
My body did not take the first week of radiation well. I was constantly nauseated and fatigued. And worried that the inevitable was going to happen. I wanted to send Rose away. I did try though, several times, and had I been well, she would have beat the shit out of me.
Five days on and two days off. That weekend I recovered well and Rose stayed by my side the entire time and told me to fuck off when I tried to send her away.
The thought brings a smile to my lips as I look up and watch her walking up the rough stone stairs of the building in her heels. She’s gripping the railing and I’m quick to make my way over and hold her waist, helping her to balance.
She smiles sweetly, the chill making her cheeks flush a beautiful shade of pink. Her engagement band clinks on the metal railing as we walk up together, and the sound fills me with pride.
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