by Xan West
“Sounds perfect,” Shiloh said.
They all made their way into the living room, and Ernest pointed out the snacks, and the movie list, telling them to pick a movie and that he would be back very soon with food. Cooking would help; it was the most grounding thing he could do, really. After he got the eggs going in the pan, he sliced up some cucumber, and took out the cream cheese and matzo. A brunch homage to lox and bagels. After folding the omelet, he took the pickles out of the fridge and started loading everything on a tray. He took the omelet off the heat and brought the tray out, putting the items on the table next to the couch and returning to the kitchen to plate the omelet. He used the tray to carry that out, along with the pitcher of iced tea and glasses. Perfect.
“Did you pick a movie?” he asked.
Shiloh and Judith glanced at each other before Judith spoke. “Yes, but we thought maybe you would want to talk over dinner?”
“No, I need to eat before I can talk, okay?”
“Okay. How about Victor/Victoria, then?”
“Yes, that’s perfect.” They were blatantly catering to him. It was his favorite. Ernest guessed that was okay. He could use a dose of this movie, honestly. It was medicinal.
After “Le Jazz Hot,” Ernest paused the movie to go to the bathroom. When he got back, both Judith and Shiloh were looking at him so gently. It was time, he knew it. He filled his water bottle first, and grabbed his favorite fidget toy, a crunchy purple one.
“So…” he said, and couldn’t figure out the rest.
After a few minutes, Judith picked up the conversation. “You said I was right, about you having a crush on Nora?”
Ernest nodded.
“It seems like you’re upset about that.”
“Not upset, exactly. More like…confused, overwhelmed, scared.”
“Change is hard,” Judith agreed.
“Yeah, but I haven’t even gotten that far, to where things might change between me and her. I don’t even know what I want.”
“Is that what you’re confused about?” Shiloh asked.
“Not just that. It’s like…until now, I haven’t been attracted to cis people. With her, I do have a crush, there is attraction, but…it’s different.”
Shiloh nodded. “I know sometimes I’m attracted to people in one way, but not another. Like, I think they’re pretty, but I don’t want to have sex with them. I might want to lick their boots, though. Or decorate them with needles.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean!” Judith chimed in. “Like, there are people I don’t want to date or hold hands with, but I might want them to flog me.”
Shiloh grinned. “Exactly. You know the split attraction model, Ernest, we’ve talked about it.”
Ernest nodded.
“Well, not to rehash the blog post I just finished writing, but…I think there are so many different strands of attraction, not just sexual attraction and romantic attraction. I kinda feel like my different core kinks, each of them has its own kind of attraction. That’s especially true for me because of how my switchiness works.”
“Yeah, that actually really fits how I work,” Ernest murmured.
“Ernest, we’re both demiromantic, allosexual, pansexual and kinky, and I don’t know if it works this way for you, but…romantic attraction is often the hardest for me to parse, if it’s involved at all. I can get clarity about sexual attraction, or my core kinks, on their own, but with the romance aspect in the mix it’s just…harder? And kinda doesn’t always occur to me as an option?”
“That’s definitely familiar,” Ernest said.
“What does it look like when it is a romo situation?” Judith asked Shiloh.
“Like, sometimes it happens long after other kinds of connection are already solidified, and feels scary and unsettling cuz it might change everything. I’ve had that happen a few times. Or sometimes it’s like a lightning bolt when I meet them, like they are super shiny to me right away…but it takes me a while to sort it out as romantic attraction. Especially if like, I also feel platonic attraction or a kink-based attraction, or if for some reason I just have them in a box in my head that doesn’t include romance.”
“Oof. Shiloh, you said it. I had Nora in this box in my head. She was my metamour. And sure every metamour relationship is different, but I’ve never had romance be part of the picture. It’s scary to think about our relationship changing now.”
“But it sounds like maybe romo attraction is in there for you?” Shiloh asked gently.
“Well…I’m mesmerized by her hair, you know? I want to hear her sing my music; want to write songs about her. The first time she took my hand, I got dizzy. It feels romo to me.”
“Okay. So, then…romo is part of this. And maybe also aesthetic attraction?” Judith wanted to know.
“Oh, yes, she is so pretty.”
She smiled. “I happen to agree with you there. She has great style, too.”
Ernest nodded emphatically. Then Shiloh asked, “Are you sexually attracted to her?”
He thought about it. Blinked. Was it really that simple? “No, not at all,” he murmured.
“Okay,” Shiloh said, zir voice calm and even. Ze focused on smoothing down zir emerald tunic over zir wide belly, giving Ernest time to think it through.
“Shiloh, I’ve never been romantically attracted to someone I’m not sexually attracted to before. Those things usually go together for me.”
“Then you’re in new territory.”
“Yeahhh.”
“What about kink attractions?” Shiloh asked.
“Oh, yeah that’s definitely there. I want to submit to her, want to do service for her, want her to tie me up...that part is by far the clearest, especially after that thing that happened at her apartment. Except maybe the platonic attraction, that came first before the rest.”
“What happened at her apartment?” ze asked softly.
“Well, it was like we kinda fell into a D/s dynamic without even trying? But I didn’t get what was going on at the time. I just felt bad when she pulled out of it. Like, really bad. It was probably drop, but I didn’t know what was going on so I had a meltdown.”
“Ohhh now I get what you were saying in your LJ post last week.” Judith said.
“Yeah I don’t think that post was especially coherent, cuz, well, I wasn’t coherent.”
“Makes sense. You seem pretty coherent now though. So, kink attracted. And you’re kink compatible?”
“So far that seems likely, at least in the most basic way. Not sure we’re into the same kinds of pain, and we haven’t negotiated or talked about what our dynamic might be, which is where it really becomes clear, but on a basic level, service, D/s, bondage: check, check, check.”
Shiloh chuckled. “Well isn’t that a lovely development. Do you think the attraction might be mutual?”
Ernest sighed. “I have no idea. But I had the sense something was going on under the surface, and she did say some vague stuff about possibilities in our relationship. I had no idea what any of it meant, honestly.”
“Maybe she was hinting, trying to see if you felt the same?”
“Hints just don’t work for me. Like, at all.”
Judith said, “Well it sounds like that open-to-all-questions rule she set is going to come in handy. If you want to talk to her about it.”
“I need to talk to her. She’s the first one I need to talk to. Gideon can be looped in later, if it’s a thing. We already agreed on that when we first negotiated our polyamory.”
“Wow, you two, I swear, are the most thorough about negotiation—all kinds—of anyone I know,” Shiloh said.
“It’s Gideon. He teaches the stuff, and gets super geeky about it,” Judith smiled as she said it.
“Yeah, it’s a really good match for me, being that clear about stuff. He’s a good Daddy for me.”
“Couldn’t agree more,” Judith murmured.
Sunday April 24, 2011
After some consideration over breakfast, Er
nest decided that it made the most sense to see if Nora would be up for talking over GChat that morning, before she came over. He did better over text for conversations like this, and he wanted to use a keyboard, instead of typing on his phone.
Ernest made some notes in his journal of what he wanted to say to Nora, and what he remembered about their last talk that had been so muddled. When he replayed it in his head, he realized that Nora had been talking about being new at something, and he hadn’t really acknowledged that vulnerability. And here he was, new at something himself, and one of his fears was that she would reject him for it. Maybe that was the place to start, for him to acknowledge that she was new to being in a metamour relationship, and that it was vulnerable for her to be open about it.
To start where things went off the rails made a certain kind of sense, but…maybe that wasn’t the best approach, coming at this sideways. Nora had said she wanted him to be himself, that she welcomed bluntness. Maybe it would be better to start at the core of it. To just tell her that he had a crush. He didn’t feel right asking Daddy what he thought. That was kinda like going behind her back, and this was about his relationship with Nora, the potential shift from primarily being metamours to being something else. Bringing Gideon in would muddle things, he thought. So he texted Judith.
Ernest: So I’m thinking about what to say to Nora. Does it make more sense to start with where we seemed to go off the rails last week, or to just jump in the deep end and tell her I have a crush on her?
* * *
Judith: Where did you go off the rails last week?
* * *
Ernest: Well she basically said she’d never had a metamour relationship where she actually hung out with the person before, and was asking me questions about what it could look like. Then she said something about wanting to know what was possible, but when I asked her about it, she said she didn’t want to ruin anything, and clammed up.
* * *
Judith: That sounds like a bit of a tangled mess of allistic vagueness and hints. Why would you start with that?
* * *
Ernest: It does?
* * *
Judith: Sounds like code to me. The kind of code I never get.
* * *
Ernest: It was frustrating because she wouldn’t tell me what she was talking about. I felt like I was missing half of what was going on.
* * *
Judith: Yeah, been there. Asking her about it puts her on the hot seat, Ernest. It focuses on her feelings. Telling her how you feel cuts through all that and centers the conversation on the important stuff.
* * *
Ernest: It seems very blunt, though.
* * *
Judith: Well, didn’t she say she liked blunt?
* * *
Ernest: Yeah. She did.
* * *
Judith: I mean, it is a bigger risk, to be direct and just say it. But I think also…if you want to pursue something with her…
* * *
Ernest: I do.
* * *
Judith: then maybe try taking her at her word? She seems to really want you to feel like you don’t need to mask. So it might be worth…trying that. Because, what if it’s true? Would you want to miss out on that?
Judith really had a point. About all of it. So Ernest spent the next half hour trying out different ways to say it, deleting them, trying something else, and grumbling about crushes making everything to damn hard and being more trouble than they were worth. He finally stomped off to the bathroom, hoping that singing showtunes during his shower would help. He went for his morning medley, which included “I Feel Like I’m Not Out of Bed, Yet,” “Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’,” “Brand New Day,” and “Good Morning, Baltimore.”
When he left the shower, he felt calmer. Singing loudly usually did that. When he sat at his computer, he saw that Nora was available on GChat, and decided he was done trying to find the perfect words and just wanted to start the conversation already. So he messaged her.
Ernest: Hey Nora? You around?
* * *
Nora: Yes, I’m here. We still on for this afternoon?
* * *
Ernest: Yeah, I was just hoping to talk to you first. Do you have some time now?
* * *
Nora: Yes…though I’m a bit nervous now.
* * *
Ernest: Well, then we’re even. I’m nervous, too.
* * *
Nora: Okay.
* * *
Ernest: I’m just going to say it, k?
* * *
Nora: Ernest, I really did mean it when I said I wanted you to feel free to say what’s on your mind, and not worry about being blunt. Really.
* * *
Ernest: So. Um. I have a crush on you.
* * *
Nora: *blinks* Well I wasn’t expecting you to say that. Give me a second.
* * *
Ernest: *nods*
* * *
Nora: *slow smile* You have a crush on me?
* * *
Ernest: Yeah. Was that blunt enough for you?
* * *
Nora: That was exactly the sort of blunt I wanted, Ernest. Especially since, you know what? I have a crush on you.
* * *
Ernest: Oh. Um. I had no idea.
* * *
Nora: That’s what Gideon said. That I would have to be blunt with you about it, otherwise you’d have no clue. But you were blunt first. *grins*
* * *
Ernest: You talked to Gideon about it?
* * *
Nora: Well, not on purpose. He talked to me, teased me about it, because he could tell how I felt. I wasn’t going to say anything, because I figured you didn’t feel the same way, and I really didn’t want to ruin what we have, or what Gideon and I have. But after I talked to Gideon Tuesday night, I felt better about it. He helped me get that we were solid enough to take risks.
This was a lot. She had a crush on him too! And she almost didn’t say anything because she was worried about losing what they had. That’s what she’d meant that day. Probably. Best to check.
* * *
Ernest: So, is that what you meant last week, about possibilities?
* * *
Nora: Yeah, basically. I’ve been worried about that conversation. I felt like I made things worse the more I talked. That’s why I asked to table it.
* * *
Ernest: *nods* It felt like we hit a wall, communication-wise.
* * *
Nora: Yeah.
* * *
Ernest: Yknow, you said that it’s ok for me to be blunt. I’m really okay with you being blunt, too. In fact, I prefer it. It’s easier for me to understand what’s going on, that way.
* * *
Nora: That’s good to know, Ernest. I lean towards blunt, when I’m in domspace. Well…direct and clear, anyway.
* * *
Ernest: Clarity is good. I like clarity.
* * *
Nora: I agree. Especially when giving orders. Clarity is very good.
Oh my, yes. Clarity, Ernest loved clear orders. He took a long slow breath, trying to stay focused on this conversation and not get lost thinking about her giving him clear orders. Clarity. Right. He needed to be clear about the crush and what it looked like for him. Okay. This was going to be the hardest part.
* * *
Ernest: So, um. Nora? Since we have mutual crushes, it might be good for me to talk about mine, and explain some stuff.
* * *
Nora: Ok. I’m listening, Ernest. Take all the time you need. I know words are hard. Don’t worry about them being perfect, ok?
* * *
Ernest: Thanks. Ok. So. Um. I’m demiromantic. Do you know what that means?
* * *
Nora: It’s kind of like demisexual, except it’s on the aromantic spectrum, instead of the asexual spectrum, right?
* * *
Ernest: Um. Well, the thing is, aromanticism isn’t the same
as asexuality, but people often talk about it like arospec folks like me are just another kind of asexual. So, it’s kind of a touchy thing to compare them.
* * *
Nora: Oh, I’m sorry. My best friend JD is demisexual. I have a regular play partner, Lizette, who’s aroace. I was extrapolating from what I know from them, but I didn’t mean to group things together as if they are all the same. Maybe you could tell me what it means to you to be demiromantic?
* * *
Ernest: Ok. So, I have a complicated relationship with romance, in general. It takes me a while to recognize when I am romantically attracted to someone, and it’s more difficult for me to figure out. And I generally have romantic feelings after I have some other kind of connection with someone, some other kind of relationship.
* * *
Ernest: Like for me, romantic attraction builds on a foundation of other emotions and intimacy. Romance is not the center of my romantic relationships, or more important than other aspects of my relationships. I’m in love with Gideon, but I also am family with him, live with him, and am his good boy, and those things are just as important to me. I was his good boy first, then family, before romance came into the picture with him.