Mastering Love

by Morticia Knight

  He thought he might be sick. The agonizing ache had descended lower into his gut, where it had settled, churning the contents of his stomach.

  “S-sure. I promise.” He choked back a sob. “Um, Sir.”

  Ned rubbed his back, but instead of soothing him, it only emphasized that Ned might never touch him again after their evening was through. He was relieved that Ned couldn’t see his face from the position he was in with Evan’s head angled away.

  “Evan?”

  “Yes, Sir.” His voice was pitiful, but he couldn’t care less.

  Ned grabbed Evan’s shoulders then forcibly turned him onto his back. Evan had begun to resist, but had realized it wouldn’t do any good. Ned would get what he wanted anyway.

  “Look at me, boy.”

  Evan locked gazes with Ned. His anger rose in him again. Evan had done everything Ned had asked. Okay, maybe he hadn’t been very good at not thrusting with Ned’s fingers in him, but what did the man expect when he was such a wizard at manipulating his special spot? But more than anything, he’d thought they’d shared something between them that was more than some idle play to pass the time.

  “Please don’t call me ‘boy’, Sir.”

  Ned’s face remained expressionless as he considered him. He raised his hand as if he was about to brush Evan’s hair off his forehead then let it fall again. “Why are you upset, Evan?”

  “I’d rather not discuss it, Sir.”

  “And I’d rather not make assumptions about what’s bothering you when I could be wrong. I barely know you.”

  “Yes. You made that clear already.”

  “Evan.”

  Ned’s voice held a tone of warning, and Evan realized he wasn’t behaving very maturely. It was simply a case of being taken by surprise when Ned had burst into his life. He’d been swept away by him and didn’t want the chance for more between them to be lost.

  “I apologize, Sir.”

  Ned raised his hand again, but instead of stopping himself, he continued the motion until he had swiped Evan’s bangs away from his face. “I hurt your feelings. Please forgive me, Evan. It was not my intention.”

  Evan gazed up at Ned from where he lay on his back and was sure he could see the truth there.

  “Then, I don’t understand. Why would you assume another man would be fucking me in a few days?”

  Ned scrubbed a hand across his face, and Evan wondered if he should’ve kept his big mouth shut. He’d always wished to please a man, craved giving himself over to his care. But for some reason, it seemed essential that he do that with Ned.

  “I told you that I’m new here, that I’m still getting settled. Right?”

  “Yes, Sir. You did.” Evan lowered his eyes. He wasn’t helping his cause by acting like a child.

  Ned tilted his chin back up with the tip of his finger. His expression had changed, had softened, the hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth.

  “Please don’t think you’re anything other than precious and special. I’m just not in a position to take things any further with you right now.”

  Evan heard possibility. “Right now?”

  Ned sighed. “Don’t add to my words. I’m not making any promises to anyone—you included.”

  It was so difficult to keep himself from drilling Ned with more questions. If only he could understand what it was that kept Ned from at least trying with them after he’d told Evan over and over how special he was. And there was a bond. Even if it had happened quickly, it was real and should at least indicate that they should explore it further if nothing else.

  “So it’s just that you don’t want a boy right now?” He could understand that. Maybe they could at least play occasionally—see where it led.

  A pained expression crossed Ned’s face. He furrowed his brow, grimacing. “One of the things that I treasure most, Evan, is my honesty. I demand it of my submissives and in my daily life. I would be the worst sort of hypocrite if I didn’t practice what I preach.”

  “Uh, okay.”

  Ned still appeared as if he was in actual physical pain, and Evan wasn’t sure, but he thought he might even be trying not to cry. Then again, it could’ve been the way the lamp was reflecting off his face.

  “May I have a kiss, Evan? Not as your Sir, but as a man?”

  Evan’s stomach clutched. He had the bizarre impression that Ned was saying goodbye. If that was true, then Evan wanted the kiss as much or more than Ned.

  He nodded. He couldn’t trust his voice.

  Ned leaned down until their lips met. He cupped Evan’s cheek, Ned’s touch gentle against his skin. Ned moved slowly, pressing his mouth to Evan’s then pulling back to press it again at a different angle. Eventually, he increased the force of the kiss, until he pushed his tongue through the seam of Evan’s lips. Evan opened for him, let him in. He memorized Ned’s taste, sucked on his tongue, then let him take the control back.

  Can’t he see that it could be like this forever?

  Ned broke their connection and Evan felt it as if it was a permanent thing.

  “Thank you, Evan. That was beautiful.”

  “You were beautiful too, Sir.” It had slipped out before he realized. But he really didn’t want to call him anything else.

  Unless I call him Master.

  “The truth is, Evan, I am looking for a boy.”

  Evan thought he might throw up.

  “I see you, Evan. I see the look in your eyes. This has nothing to do with you not being good enough. It’s a personal decision I made a while back about something in particular that has nothing to do with you. It’s simply something I believe is right for me and I need to at least follow through on it before I alter my expectations.”

  He mashed his lips together to keep them from quivering. It had never been an issue until he’d arrived in Los Angeles. He figured it had to be the damn town. When he thought he had them under control, he spoke.

  “I don’t understand.”

  Ned sighed, the sound so sad that Evan couldn’t comprehend why Ned wouldn’t just knock it off and give them a try.

  “I know you don’t, Evan, and perhaps that’s not fair. But I think it’s best that we part as friends for now.”

  Evan rolled over then launched himself from the bed. He wasn’t about to cry in front of Ned and make an ass out of himself. It was bad enough he’d sobbed all over Thomas—he didn’t need to get in the habit. He might love to give his body and will over to another man, but he wasn’t an infant.

  “Evan, please. I don’t want you to be angry with me.”

  He kept his back to Ned as he hunted around the chaise longue for the discarded satin boxers. “I guess I’m not the only one not getting what I want this evening.”

  There was no response and Evan wasn’t sure if he was relieved or if it angered him further. After discovering the missing clothing, he yanked them on a little too fast. He winced from the way the elastic had caught on his sac.

  Fuck.

  He rarely cursed, but he wanted to swear out loud at the top of his lungs. The night had gone from hopeful to ecstatic to devastating in a period of only a few hours. His first experience at the Hampton Road Club had turned out miserable and he wasn’t sure whom he wanted to be madder at. He topped the list for sure by holding on to silly hope, but there was also Ned, Thomas, Sam, oh hell, everyone he’d met since he’d left Santa Barbara.

  He jumped at the sound of Ned’s voice.

  “Should I ring for Javier?”

  He’d managed to work himself into a sizeable rage, but didn’t want to add throwing a fit on the list of Ned’s lasting memories of him. The fact that he still cared about what Ned thought of him wound him up into an even bigger rage. He took a deep breath. If nothing else, he had to calm down before he saw Sam and Aaron. He did not want to see Thomas or Linus. For that matter, he didn’t wish to see anyone else either unless it was Javier taking him to the room downstairs where his clothing was stored.

  “Evan?” Ned’s voice was
soft, laced with concern.

  Fuck Ned.

  It might end up becoming his new favorite word. “Yes, please.”

  He’d somehow managed to keep his tone even, which was good. There would still be plenty of people to fool into believing he was perfectly fine before he could finally be alone in the guesthouse. As disjointed thoughts swirled like a hurricane through his mind, he was vaguely aware of Ned’s voice in the background. He noted that Ned was speaking into the telephone receiver, so he assumed that Javier would arrive presently.

  Hurry.

  He could no longer stand to be alone in the room with Ned. He had nothing more to say to him and he certainly didn’t want to hear any more nonsense from him either. Evan stood by the door like a cat waiting to go outside. The fear that he would say or do something stupid before he walked out of Ned’s life kept him from checking to see where Ned was in the room or what he might be doing. The sounds of things being shuffled about piqued his curiosity until he couldn’t prevent himself from looking.

  Ned was tidying up.

  He stamped his foot. It would make him crazy—even crazier than he already was—if he just stood there completely useless and didn’t help. It was a part of who he was. He’d always done his chores, taken pride in being helpful and responsible.

  “Dammit.”

  He’d muttered it under his breath, not at all interested in Ned’s opinions on his choice of language. It was none of Ned’s damn business.

  After glancing at where Ned was, he noted that he held one of the oil bottles in one hand as he wiped a towel over the glass with another. There was a twinge in Evan’s chest when he thought of how they’d used both of the different bottles of oil only recently. He shoved that thought aside then strode over to where the rest of the used towels lay in a pile on the ground. As he bent to gather them up, Ned spoke.

  “Don’t trouble yourself, Evan. I’ll take care of this. The staff handles the majority of it anyway.”

  Evan stomped away with the bundle of linens. “I’m not useless, you know.”

  Once he entered the bathroom, he wasn’t exactly sure what he should do with the used towels. No one had ever explained to him what the proper procedure was. He’d only planned on going to the club to speak with someone, yet here he was, holding washrags and towels that had been soiled with his and Ned’s spend. It had been quite the evening.

  Completely exasperated, Evan dumped them into the claw foot tub. He turned on his heels and almost ran right into Ned. He yelped, but recovered quickly. The expression on Ned’s face was heartbreaking, and Evan was stunned by it. He’d only ever seen it on a Dominant man one other time.

  After I left Thomas and he was so sad.

  Evan looked down. He couldn’t bear to see it, even if he was furious with Ned.

  “Be angry with me, Evan. Hate me. I’m fine with that. All I care about is that you promise to remember that you are anything but useless, that you deserve only the best. I never want to find out that you gave yourself to someone who doesn’t see how much you have to offer, what a wonderful submissive you are. Promise me, Evan.”

  It was all so senseless. “How can you expect me to make promises when you’ve already said you can’t make any?”

  “Evan. For the love of God, don’t punish yourself because one night of pleasure didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped.”

  Evan shook his head, laughing bitterly. “It’s not that. It’s that I know you’re lying to yourself. Yet you insist you’re an honest man.”

  Ned inhaled sharply and Evan knew he’d struck a chord. Evan was a bit surprised about it himself. He hadn’t realized the truth of the matter until he’d uttered the words out loud. So that was it then. For some unknown reason, Ned had chosen to lie to himself about their prospects as Master and submissive, and there wasn’t a damn thing Evan could do about it.

  A light knock sounded at the door.

  “Goodbye, Ned.”

  Evan brushed past him without turning back. There was nothing left to say.

  * * * *

  Ned hadn’t been able to stomach going back to Hampton Road for a few days after his disastrous encounter with Evan. He’d even considered not going back at all, but had come to the conclusion that he was being irrational. Never in his life had he run from conflict and he wasn’t about to begin. Evan had every right to be angry at him—he wasn’t pleased with how he’d handled things either. There was no way he could’ve predicted that the first boy he took to a private room there would affect him so.

  Evan’s final words to him had haunted his thoughts off and on, but Ned didn’t see the point in dwelling on them. His course had been set, and that was all there was to it. He planned to meet with Saul in the library, and as he drove his Roadster to their appointment, he determined he would focus on that as well as moving forward.

  Once he was let in through the gates, he was directed to a parking spot. It was early yet for the majority of the club-goers—only seven o’clock. Saul allowed member access from six p.m. to six a.m., seven days a week, except on holidays or when the black wreath on the gate signaled that Hampton Road was closed due to an emergency. The staff had their own private rooms and resided in the mansion as part of their remuneration.

  After parking then removing his driving gloves and goggles, Ned hurried through the entrance. Once he’d been greeted by Michael, he made his way to the library on the second floor. It was still several minutes before seven, but Ned thought he’d give it a try anyway and knocked on the door.

  “Come in. It’s unlocked.”

  Ned recognized the sound of Saul’s voice and was filled with a measure of comfort. The older man had a calming presence and that was exactly what Ned needed. Peace and reason. The previous few days, all Ned had done was unpack his new home, even as he’d considered packing it right back up and starting over somewhere else.

  “Ah, good to see you, old sport.” Saul indicated to the wing chair opposite him. “Brandy? Or will you be working with a boy tonight?”

  When Saul scrunched his eyebrows at what must have been Ned’s naked emotions, he chastised himself for behaving no better than a new and untrained Dominant.

  “I would love a brandy, thank you. I’ll help myself.”

  He poured two fingers of booze into one of the snifters on the bar cart then padded over to the chair Saul had gestured to—even as he attempted to keep his movements light and less telling than his face had apparently been. After taking a seat, he took a moment to compose himself, sipping from the liquid, allowing it to warm his insides.

  “So, old sport. What brings you to the library this evening? I do hope you haven’t reconsidered joining our fine establishment?”

  In some ways he had, but not for any of the reasons Saul might have imagined. “No, Hampton Road is a splendid club. It’s not that. But I was curious. How is it that the submissive men find their way here? It’s not as if there are notices in the paper.” He chuckled, hoping to keep his evening’s experience much lighter than the most recent one.

  “Ah, yes.” Saul leaned back in the chair and crossed his legs. “That’s a very timely question. You may remember the night you reappeared here at the club, when I had the epiphany as to how Linus had come to us. We were fortunate”—Saul chuckled heartily—“or should I say, Thomas was fortunate that you had so kindly led him here.” A cloud passed over Saul’s face. “Of course, dear Linus had to endure mistreatment at the hands of Cornwall, but that’s thankfully in the past.”

  “No sign of him then?”

  “No. I’m sure we’re rid of him, even if Kenneth is still nervous about his possible return.”

  Ned nodded. “I would hate to imagine how traumatic that must have been for Kenneth. Surely, it will take him some time to be completely free from the after effects of that monster’s actions.”

  “I’m afraid you are all too correct. But back to your original question. Some of the boys have been brought here by other Dominants who were only casually playi
ng with them. The bathhouse that I inherited after Sam joined us is another. The towel boys there have been approached by some of our members.”

  “Inherited, you say?” Ned took another sip of his brandy.

  “Yes. It was one I’d patronized for several years that seemed to have fallen into disrepute, as Aaron inadvertently discovered one day. His poor little Sam was being strong-armed into selling himself to Aaron, and as the boy was quite innocent, it upset him greatly. After that, I made a few calls to some of my well-placed friends. They proceeded to give the bum’s rush to the shady management, at which point I moved in, purchased the place then took over.”

  It was the exact type of thing that Ned detested—when young men felt they had no other options and became prey to be coerced by unscrupulous men. Saul’s story highlighted the very reason he’d been inspired to bring Linus to Hampton Road. “That’s awful. However, I’m glad you were able to rectify the situation.”

  “Yes. There are still towel boys who have the option of making arrangements with a patron, but it’s of their own choice. We don’t take any of the agreed upon price. That’s between the boy and his partner. The only involvement we have is providing a clean, safe trysting spot on the premises. The man requesting a towel boy’s company pays the additional fee for the room.”

  “That’s very interesting. So, those have been the primary ways you’ve attracted new submissives?”

  Saul reached over for what Ned believed was a glass of water. Saul bore no mark on his hand, and Ned highly doubted that the owner and instigator of the rules would break them himself.

  Saul took a swallow of the clear liquid. “Presumably. But that’s what this list is for.” He patted the breast pocket of his suit coat. “I’d like an accounting of not only how the submissives landed on our doorstep, but as I said before, where they are currently staying. I don’t want any of our boys residing on the streets or in a rat infested flophouse.”

  “Good Lord, no. I agree.”

  “So other than word of mouth, I would say those are the main ways we’ve come across the lovely young men we have here.” Saul steepled his fingers, his brow furrowing. “I’m afraid that was a bit rude of me.”