“I mean, really, Javi. What do you have to say for yourself?” Gretchen isn’t yelling. Her disappointment is even worse, putting me on the defensive. “I thought you said you were better. You could handle having her here.”
“I am! And she wasn’t off-limits.” I point to my own chest, hating the guarded tone in my voice. “I’m the one who found her. I wish I had never told you two about her. I should have just taken her myself!”
Sasha is across the bedroom so fast, I don’t have time to steel myself for the ringing slap and claws that pierce my cheek. “What did you just say?” Turning to Gretchen, she screams, “Did you hear what he said? He doesn’t even get it! She’s the epitome of off-limits, mister! Out of this whole crazy mess we’ve got ourselves involved in, she’s the innocent one! Not you! Not us! Just her!” Her mascara is smearing down the tear tracks on her face. “I love you, Javi, and you know that! But you’re making us choose between a fellow sister, because that’s what she is now, and a restraining order against you! Don’t make us make that choice.” She collapses into the chair, really bawling now.
“I didn’t want to do it. You have to believe me. I told myself I would never hurt her. I was making her breakfast, and you’ve gotta believe me, I don’t even remember putting the pill in my pocket, let alone putting it into the whipped cream. I’m ashamed that I want to control her like this, Sash, but I do. Yes, I want her totally dependent on me, but not like this, never like this...” I feel like a bitch with tears streaking down my face. My chest feels like it’s burning with the weight of my sadness. But I have to know. “Will you tell her?”
Sasha explodes out of the chair. “Are you not listening to yourself, you stupid ass? Of course we’re telling her!”
Shame, dark and damp, clutches at my stomach. “Please, Sash.” I’m on my knees, begging now. “Gretch.” Neither woman will look at me. “I’ll go away, I promise, anything, you won’t see me again. Just please don’t tell her. She’ll hate me!” My head hits the carpet, all these emotions are too much. I can’t stop the tears or the ache in my gut.
“Gretch…I can’t…I can’t even look at him right now! If I stay, I’m going to claw his fucking eyes from his head!” Sasha stomps to the door, making a wide circle to avoid me, like I’m a piece of shit stuck to the carpet. The slamming door feels like an end to our friendship.
Gretchen finally breaks the silence. “How much did you give her?”
“Only one. I swear, Gretchen.”
She winces at my words. “Why, Javi?”
I shake my head. She’ll never understand.
“Are you off your meds, Javi?” It’s an accusation wrapped up in her silky sweet voice.
Shrugging, there’s no reason to lie, I nod. The criticism in that one sentence makes my defenses snap into place. Walls go up. My supposed friends, sitting in judgment of my actions. “Yeah, I am. For about two weeks.” I’m looking her full in the eye as her face falls. Disappointment is etched all over her beautiful features.
“I had to, Gretch. I wanted her to see the real me. Me.” I pound my chest. “Not the lie I am on those fucking zombie pills!” I feel like such a shit. What right do I have to be defensive?
“No excuses, Javi, remember? When we started this thing, this house, we all agreed to leave the baggage at the door. You agreed! ‘What happened to us before does not define us.’ Right, Javi?”
My head hangs. Blessedly, my eyes are covered by my hair. “That was a different time. Things were different. I had nothing to get up in the morning for…”
“You had us! Sasha and me! How can you say that?”
I just quit while I’m in the hole. I know what’s coming before she even says it. It’s been coming since the day I let them kidnap her for me.
“You have to go, Javi. Get yourself a different shrink, try a new set of pills. Hell, take a vacation from all this. This is too much for you. In two days’ time you’ve managed to go too far over the edge…I don’t even know how to fix this.” Her hands are flying around her head. “We’ve—you, me and Sasha—have uprooted her life and stranded her in the loony bin. This is such a mess, I don’t even know where to start.” She shakes her head. Without meeting my eyes, she says, “You’ve got to give her some time, some space. I’m sorry, Javi. It kills me to say this, but you’ve got to go.”
“Who’s got to go?” A sleepy voice speaks up. My heart rejoices. Relieved tears fall. She’s back! I didn’t hurt her too bad. This time.
Chapter 22
Blue
My mind swims up from a thick fog. It’s dark and cool here. Comforting arms hold me. I hear whisper-shouting, but am unable to make out the words. I try to focus on them. Hoping to piece together what happened to me.
Bits and pieces of the whispered conversation reach me through the fog. I fight like hell to open my eyes, sensing an urgency in the room that demands my attention. But I feel my mind sliding back down into the dark. Later, the slam of a door jolts me awake. I tear through the gauze that wraps my mind, desperately trying to get myself together. It’s all so hazy, muddled. From far away, as if through a locked door, I hear muffled sobs. The heart-wrenching cries break through to me like the volume just got turned up. Without much effort, I realize I can make out what’s being said.
Relief mixes with my unease. Was I in some sort of accident?
Gretchen’s voice is soothing, soft, something to focus on. Her words hit me, seizing my heart. Meds? Was I drugged? But she’s not talking to me. She’s asking Javi if he’s on drugs. Or, no something about stopping medications. Wait. What?
Then I hear the words that bring me all the way back. “…got to go” Who is it?
“Who’s got to go?” Finally, I’m able to get my muscles to work and open my eyes. I don’t know what’s going on, what’s happened to me, but I want him more than anything. “Javi?” I look up into Gretchen’s tear-filled eyes. “Where’s Javi, Gretch?” I sound drunk. Hell, I feel drunk. No. More like the day after. Hungover. That’s it.
“He’s right here, sweet Blue.” I feel the bed move, and I grab both sides of my head, trying to hold my skull together. My cranium explodes with the movement. “Ow,” I groan, and then Javi’s there.
“Bonita,” he coos, molding his body to mine. “I’ll get you better, I promise. You just need water and Motrin. Maybe a little rest.” His voice sounds thick, upset.
I use my hands to turn my head, gently, so the hammering in my skull doesn’t start back up again. “What’s wrong, Javi?” Focusing my blurred vision, I stare hard into his blue eyes filled with tears, so sad. “I’m gonna be okay now. Don’t cry.”
This makes him cry harder. I feel his tears against my neck, his hot breathing ragged on my skin. His grief twists my gut.
Gretchen comes to the other side of my bed, clucking over me, putting headache pills in my mouth while Javi holds my head up. It’s hard, but I swallow them with a gulp of water. My tongue feels like it’s been left out in the sun.
“Did you swallow them?” Gretchen leans forward, peering into my mouth. I open it wide, and she offers me the bottle. “Finish this up, Blue. And Javi…?” Her brows rise in his direction, “Do you want to tell her, before you go, or should I?”
His body becomes rigid, unbending, next to me. “Tell me what, Javi?” Everything feels upside down. I try to pull back, just wanting to see his face, but he shifts, leaning into me, hiding from me. “I’ll tell you, my love. I promise.” My neck is wet with tears again, and I realize something really bad just happened.
Sasha comes in, somber for once, and lays her head on my stomach. Gretchen touches my exposed legs, and with Javi wrapped around me, all I should feel is love, right? Then why do I feel like they’re saying goodbye? To me? Javi? I’m scared now. Whatever went on, it brought secrets in. Secret looks exchanged between Gretchen and Sasha. Javi hiding his secrets from view against my body, keeping his eyes hidden, a secret from me. “What’s going on, guys?” I feel weak, drained actually, and the lack o
f energy is keeping me from freaking out on the whole lot of them.
Sasha sits, a hand on my arm. “We’ll step out. Javi needs to tell you a few things.
I don’t want to hear it. Whatever it is, I know it’s bad.
“Wait, what about my shoot?” Trying to delay the inevitable.
“Hon?” Gretchen smiles down at me. “That was yesterday. Don’t worry, we’ll reschedule.” She pats me on the leg, and both she and Sasha share a secret look as they leave, closing the door softly behind them.
“You need water,” Javi says, disentangling himself from me. He gets off the bed, not meeting my eyes. I’m probably a mess anyway. The way he’s talking just makes my stomach hurt. It’s like someone forgot to charge him. I search his face, trying to find the smiling, domineering Javi, or the joking, playful Javi, but neither is home. His eyes are flat as he picks up the empty bottle and heads for the door.
It hurts to see him like this. He must’ve been really worried about me.
As he opens the door, I watch, waiting for him to look back at me, waiting for a wink, a smirk, anything. So I have a clear view of him as he walks out my door.
“Javi!” I scream. Nothing feels right. I know in my gut that something has changed. I want things back the way they were. “Javi!” My head is pounding, I yell so much spots appear before my eyes. But the door never opens.
I try to sit, wanting to run after him, tie him down, make him give me some damn answers, but my head is not ready to be upright. Hot bile rises up my throat. I’m gonna puke, I think as I desperately swallow it down. I hate throwing up. Pulling myself along the bed, then holding onto the wall, I barely make it to the sink before I lose it. Thick ropes of yellow, phlegmy bile fill the sink and land on the counter. My throat burns from the acid. I’m choking on it. Hacking, retching with it. Hot tears stream down my face as I lean over the sink. Feeling the room start to spin, I hold on to the countertop for dear life.
Just breathe, I tell myself, the throb in my head matching the pounding in my chest. I rest my hot forehead against the cool tile, wishing for the fog again.
Chapter 23
An unknown time later, hands grab me, pulling me upright. I moan at the sudden movement, feeling weak and sore. “Shh, I’ve got you.” Sasha hugs me to her, and her soft voice without the usual smarminess is too much. Fresh tears start, and somehow she walks us into the closet, moves my robe out of the way, and sits me on the toilet.
“Try to pee, Sara. You haven’t peed in over a day.”
I look up at her, shocked, as the hot acidic urine burns me. “Sasha…”
I feel like I’m going to cry again, but I’m all out of fluids. She looks at me with pity. There’s too much sadness in her eyes.
“You called me Sara.” I hang my head, attempting to wipe. It’s too much work, so instead I just use the edge of the robe to clean myself. I try to stand—way too much work—and sit back down again in a heap. “Fuck it,” I mutter.
Somehow, Sasha half-carries, half-drags my hysterical butt back to bed. I’m exhausted. Day please end, I think as I fall asleep with Sasha lying beside me.
I wake during the night, feeling a squeezing band around my arm before I feel a pinching sensation. My eyes are too heavy to care, so I don’t even look at what’s happening to me. There’s talking going on all around me. A strange male voice says, “She needs fluids. That’s the only thing to get the drugs out of her system.” My eyelid is lifted, and a piercing laser beam of light shines directly into my eyeball. I turn away, grumbling. “Sara, can you hear me?” It’s the guy I don’t know, the one doing all the pinching and poking. I nod with a grimace before falling right back to sleep.
When I open my eyes next, the pounding behind my temple has ceased. Sasha’s in bed with me, holding on to my arm. Soft snoring comes from her. My lips are parched. “Blue? You awake?” Gretchen whispers from a chair pulled up next to the bed. I nod. She helps me to sit up. “Here, take a sip.” My lips grab the bendy straw she offers, sucking the liquid down. The water coats my mouth, making me feel almost human. “What’s going on?” I croak, wanting answers before I lapse back into a coma.
Gretchen puts the cup down on the bedside table. “You had a bad reaction to a drug.” I’m confused. “What drug? I don’t take any drugs.” There must be some mistake.
Gretchen nods. “I know you don’t. Someone slipped you a drug.”
I think about this, along with the other things I heard. “Was it Javi?” As soon as I say his name, I start remembering the weird state I was in before I passed out. “He roofied me, didn’t he?”
Gretchen only nods again while Sasha, awake next to me, pulls me into a hug. Tears come unbidden. I just let them fall. “How could he do this to me? I trusted him.”
The next time I open my eyes, I’m alone in the dark. No noise. I take an inventory of my body. Yep, all still here. My head turns from side to side on its own. My stomach has settled, but my throat still feels raw from all the vomiting. I’m sore everywhere, but it’s mostly from being cooped up in the bed. When I lift my arms, I realize there’s a bandage in the crook of my left arm. Memories of a doctor—“A client, Dr. Feel-good, the only one allowed at the house”- Sasha had explained—coming in to check on me, starting an IV, asking me questions, return. Pulling the Band-Aid away, I see a discolored area around a pinprick. “Must be getting better,” I say to the empty room. At least I feel better, just weak.
I cringe as memories of Sasha return. Her cleaning me up after finding me in the bathroom. Her calling me Sara. Me crying, “Don’t call me that! I’m not her! I don’t ever wanna be her ever again! Please, Sasha, not her!” And secrets. Javi stepping out to get water and never returning. How long ago was that?
“Wow,” I whisper, feeling small and alone.
A voice clears. I turn to the sound. Is that…?
“Bonita.” Like a prayer whispered in church, his word soothes me. Until I remember it was him who did this to me.
“Why did you drug me, Javi?” I can’t see his face in the dark, but I know the new hard edge in my voice hurts him. Peering towards the sound of his voice, I see he’s sitting in the chair Gretchen was in earlier. Behind him, in the shadows, I make out the open slider door.
He clears his throat, leaning towards me. Instinctively, I move from the unknown person who felt the need to drug me against my will. Moving to the far end of the bed, I demand, “I need answers from you. Why would you do that to me? I trusted you.”
“Bonita—” It’s full of angst, but I stop his next words.
“The name’s Blue, and unless you plan on talking to me, you can get the hell out of here.”
He sucks in a breath. “You hate me now.” It’s not even a question.
“I’m furious with you, Javi. There’s a difference.”
I prop the pillows behind my head and sit. “Now talk, and it better be good. Or the next contact you’ll have with me will be through thick plated glass.”
Chapter 24
“I only have a few minutes with you. Sasha’s watching on the monitor to make sure I don’t hurt you again.”
Again. So he admits it. He actually roofied me. It was no fever dream. “Was I not accommodating enough for you? Did I not fawn over you appropriately? I mean, c’mon, Javi. Why in the hell would you want me like this?” My voice is tinged with anger, but all I’m really feeling is sadness. “We’ve lost the connection we were building. No, you broke that connection Javi.”
The hurt inflicted by my words is obvious in the slump of his posture. “I don’t know why, but I felt like after the moment we shared in the kitchen with the…”
I hold up my hand. “With the flan, I know, Javi. How did we get from there to here?”
I see his shadow lean forward, his hand resting on the warm spot I just vacated. “I thought after you saw that side of me, the bad side, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. How could you? I’m a freak.”
My voice softens. “Why would you think that
? Did I give you any indication that I wasn’t enjoying myself? I loved what we did together.”
“Me, too.” I hear the eagerness in his voice, but I won’t be swayed.
“I hated what you did to me after. I came into this with my eyes open. Knowing full well what I was doing when I moved in here. I never hid anything from you. It’s you who went behind my back, using drugs to subdue me. Why not just ask me about my feelings? Would that have been so hard for you? You’re the one who closed my eyes with drugs, Javi.” I let out a breath, feeling tears coming. I’m so angry with him!
“Please let me touch you,” he asks, reaching a hand towards me. “I need it. Please, Blue. Just let me see that you’re okay. Then I’ll go.”
I roll my eyes in the dark but grab his outstretched hand. “Until you talk to me, explain what would make a grown man resort to drugging a willing girl, maybe you should go.” But I squeeze his hand, I can’t stop myself. We’re two crazy peas in a pod.
He straightens, still holding my hand, and brings it to his lips for a kiss. I allow it, but nothing else. “I was so scared that I’d hurt you, damaged you beyond repair. I’m glad to see you’re doing much better.” He releases my hand. “I don’t trust myself around you. I’m not well. It’s my mind. It’s been tampered with since I was a little boy. It’s time to check myself back in. I have medications I’m supposed to take to deal with my obsessive behaviors. Sometimes they help, but I hate the way I am when I take them. Disconnected. Apart from everyone. When I saw you, I wanted you. Plain and simple. Nothing would be able to stop me. My heart was set on having you. Sure, I let Sasha bring you to me to keep myself from doing worse things to get you. Once I had you in my life and started to get to know you, I knew I’d never be able to keep you. Not the way I am deep inside, broken. You’re good, inherently sweet. You came and shone a light on the way things could be, if only I could keep my evil from infecting you.” The anguish in his voice is unmistakable.
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