by Emery Rose
And while I was watching Tupac’s beautiful face on the screen, something strange grabbed hold of me, a strong vibration I couldn’t shake off.
I’d been too young to remember my mom or the shooting. But I used to go through the boxes of photos Maw Maw kept in the closet, sifting through my mother’s memories. Of her as a girl holding her first guitar. Of her on the road with Rhett when she was his backup singer. She left home at eighteen and headed to Nashville with big dreams but all she’d ended up with was a lousy husband and two kids he never wanted. Maw Maw said they were in the midst of a divorce when she came back to Louisiana with me and Landry.
And on her way back, at just after midnight, she stopped for gas then ran into the convenience store to buy diapers and milk. Why had she been buying milk? I could see it splattered on the floor next to the pool of blood coming from my mother’s bullet-ridden lifeless body.
Wrong place, wrong time. Landry and I had been asleep in the car, so she’d pulled up right in front of the store and thought she’d just run in real quick. Maybe she’d kept an eye on us to make sure we were okay, and that’s why she hadn’t noticed the man who walked in with a gun.
I could hear the sirens, the shots being fired, and the shouts into the radio that an officer was down.
The man came out of the convenience store and he looked straight at me then he lifted his gun and aimed it at me. No. No, no, no. What are you doing, Brody? My body jerked, and I tried to run but my legs were made of concrete.
“Hey. You’re okay. You’re okay.”
I didn’t know how long he’d been repeating the words or how long he’d been holding me in his arms but when my vision cleared, I went limp in his arms, exhausted.
“What happened?” he asked, stroking my hair so gently I nearly cried.
“I don’t know. I just...” I shook my head, unable to explain it. How could I tell him I saw him with a gun in his hand, about to shoot me? How could I tell him I’d had a crazy vision that made zero sense? I always kept my visions to myself because if I told anyone the things I saw, they’d have me locked up.
“You went somewhere else. Where were you, Shiloh?”
I looked into his whiskey brown eyes and saw that he wasn’t the person in my vision. It had just been someone who resembled him. Relief flooded my body. I touched his face and pushed back a lock of hair that had fallen over his forehead. “The past.”
“Sometimes it’s a dangerous place to visit.”
I took a shuddering breath. “It is.”
“Does this happen to you a lot?”
He knew this wasn’t normal, and that I hadn’t just been reminiscing or recalling a bad memory. That I’d actually felt like I was there, seeing it play out before my eyes. “Not a lot, no. Weirdly, the moon and my cycle affect it.” Oh God, that sounded so crazy. Like I really was a witch.
“Like a lucid dream?” he asked, understanding it far better than I’d explained it.
“Yeah, it’s like that. Have you ever had one?”
“I don’t have the gift you do but I took a crazy trip once so I kind of get where you’re coming from.”
“What kind of crazy trip?”
“Peyote in the desert. I went on a vision quest.”
“Holy shit. You tried that?”
“Yeah. Not sure I’d recommend it. It really fucks with your head.”
“And you had visions?”
He nodded. “I wanted to escape them so in the beginning, I was fighting it tooth and nail which only made it worse. Until finally, I gave in and I went along for the journey.”
“And did you come out in a better place?”
“I think so, yeah. Not that I have all the answers or that shit doesn’t affect me when I let it get to me, but I started to learn how to let it go. And I’ve been trying to do it ever since. With varying degrees of success. Some things are harder to let go than others.”
“Like when you’re in love with someone who’s not yours?”
I expected him to leave right then and there or to tell me to mind my own damn business. But he was still holding me, and he hadn’t gone anywhere. “I let that go a long time ago. I think there’s all different kinds of love and I don’t love Lila the same way Jude does. Some people just aren’t meant to be together. It would never have worked.”
I looked at his face to see if that made him sad, but I didn’t think it did. Then I thought about his words. “I should never have been with Dean. My ex-boyfriend,” I added in case he didn’t know.
“You loved him?”
“I did. Yes.” There was no point in lying. I’d loved Dean. Even now, when he’d given me no reason to care, I still worried about him. I hoped he’d find a way to be happy, but I didn’t know if Dean was even capable of that. “A part of me always will. But mostly because we have so much history.”
“That’s how it goes when you share a history with someone.”
“I’m glad I met you, Brody. I’m glad it was you.”
Before he could question the meaning of my words, I pulled his head down to mine for a kiss. I wanted to keep kissing him until I forgot the vision I’d had. I wanted to keep kissing him until the memory was imprinted on my brain, so I’d always remember this was a good time in my life. And long after I was gone, I could still carry the memory wherever I went.
When I’d asked Maw Maw to tell me who my one true love was, I hadn’t bothered to ask if I’d be able to keep him or even how long he’d be in my life. I wasn’t in love with Brody. Not yet anyway. But I thought he’d be so easy to love and so hard to let go.
Wrong place, wrong time.
Chapter Twenty
Brody
Kate’s 60th birthday fell on the first Saturday in June and we all wanted to do something special for her. Lila had suggested we throw a party but when Patrick found out, he told us he had it all under control and appointed himself the man in charge. That was the first flaw in the plan.
Kate claimed that the only thing she wanted was to spend it with her family. So, Gideon flew in from New York. And Jesse, who was supposed to have been in a motocross race that weekend had injured his shoulder the week before. Since he wasn’t able to ride, he made the trip home from California where he’d been living for the past two years.
On Friday evening, we were all summoned to the barn behind Patrick and Kate’s house. Over the years, it had gone through many incarnations. Back in high school, I’d moved my horses to Austin’s ranch and Patrick converted the barn into a gym. Now it was Patrick’s man cave/workshop.
I’d arrived ten minutes ago, and along with the others had carved my name onto the bottom of the oak farmhouse table Patrick had made for Kate. As far as I was concerned, this meeting was over, but Patrick asked us to stay and discuss logistics. For what? A surprise birthday dinner Kate was all too aware of?
It was already shaping up to be a typical family reunion. Everyone fell into their roles assigned during childhood. I was leaning against the wall next to the barn door trying to figure out why the hell this had merited a special meeting. Jude and Lila had claimed the old leather sofa and he had his arm around her. It was date night for them, so Kate had the kids and Lila was wearing one of her off-the-shoulder dresses, waves of glossy dark hair tumbling to her bare shoulders. Still as beautiful as ever.
Jesse was at the other end of the sofa, uploading selfies or whatever the hell he did on social media. He looked more like a California surfer dude than a motocross racer in his shorts, faded blue Quiksilver T-shirt and Vans. Growing up, everyone had always called him ‘adorable’ or worse, ‘pretty’, and even now in his mid-twenties, he still looked a lot younger than the rest of us. But I’d seen him ride and he was an animal, a competitive beast on a dirt bike. Since he’d gone pro at nineteen, he’d been inundated with sponsorships and endorsements who used his pretty face as the poster boy for motocross.
Gideon was sitting in Patrick’s old recliner, perched at the very edge of the seat as if he didn’t want the t
hread-bare fabric to sully his designer denim and tailored black button-up. It was hotter than balls in here, but I’d never seen Gideon so much as break a sweat. He always looked cool and composed, chronically bored, and made it abundantly clear he’d rather be getting root canal than spending time in Bumfuck, Texas as he called it. But he loved his mother so here he was, in Bumfuck.
“Pretty much what I expected,” Jude told Patrick after tomorrow’s plan had been revealed. “You’re not winning any prizes for your grand romantic gestures, Dad.”
Patrick speared him with a look. “Women don’t want grand romantic gestures. They want someone reliable who they can depend on. I’ve been by that woman’s side through thick and thin for thirty-five years. When you reach that milestone, be sure to let me know.”
That was one way to shut up Jude. He clenched his jaw and said nothing. Gideon snickered at his father’s words, eyes still glued to his phone.
“Don’t worry,” Lila assured Patrick, falling into her role as mediator. “It’s going to be great. We’ll make it special.”
“It’s already special,” Patrick grumbled, taking offense. “I made her a table big enough to fit the whole family. What more could a woman want? And she loves that restaurant. It has an open barbecue pit.”
“You love that restaurant,” Gideon said. “Although calling that place a restaurant is like calling a McDonald’s burger wagyu beef.”
Patrick glared at him. Like always, Gideon ignored it and continued checking his emails or his big bank account or whatever he did on his phone 24/7.
“Your mother’s just happy to have her whole family together,” Patrick said, and that at least was true. It was the only thing Kate ever wanted for any holiday and it made her happy when we were all gathered in one place. Somehow, she was the only one who didn’t notice the tension when we were all together. “She doesn’t like those fancy Michelin-starred restaurants you frequent.”
“She loved it when I took her to Nobu last year,” Gideon said.
Jesse added, “She was pretty chill with the vegan cafe I took her to in SoCal. And you should really do a better job of eating heart-healthy food,” he told Patrick then rolled out his shoulder and winced, not even noticing the glare Patrick threw his way.
I exhaled loudly, ready to get out of here. “Are we done now? Just tell me where and when and I’ll be there.” What the hell was so complicated about this?
“Brody has to get back to his lady love,” Lila teased. “She’s coming tomorrow, right?”
“Nah. Not her kind of thing.” I realized my mistake too late. If I’d been smart, I would have denied even having a ‘lady love.’
Lila’s jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me? She would love it. Oh my god, you haven’t even invited her, have you?”
“Hang on. Brody has a girlfriend?” Jesse asked. The way he said it you would think he’d just been informed there was a crop circle in the back field and aliens were about to invade the planet.
“The fuck?” Gideon pocketed his phone and fixed his gaze on me, the discussion suddenly capturing his interest.
I raked my hand through my hair. “Thanks, L.”
“Anytime, B.”
Jude laughed. Figures he’d enjoy this.
“Who is she?” Jesse asked.
“I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” Jude said smugly. “From where I’m sitting it looks a hell of a lot like a relationship.”
He’d seen us together at one family Sunday dinner and suddenly he was an expert. Typical Jude. “I’ve only known her for a month.”
“That’s completely irrelevant.” His gaze settled on me. “You can know someone for over twenty years and think you’re in love with them. Until you meet someone who makes you realize she was the one who was meant for you all along.”
My eyes narrowed on him. That son of a bitch.
Lila laughed. “Jude, what are you talking about?”
“Brody knows exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t you, B?”
For a few seconds, there was total silence. Nobody said a word. I should have denied it. Called him an asshole. Told him he didn’t know jack shit. I should have walked away. I should have done a lot of things.
“This isn’t awkward,” Jesse said. “Maybe we should give them some privacy.”
“Fuck that.” Gideon leaned forward in his seat and rubbed his hands together. “I’ve been waiting for this day for ten years. Where’s the popcorn?”
“Oh hell, here we go,” Patrick muttered.
“Brody...” Lila’s brow furrowed, trying to make sense of this. If I’d have laughed it off, the crisis could have been averted. But no, stupid me hadn’t said a goddamn word. Why the hell was I still standing in this barn under everyone’s scrutiny?
“You’re not... you were never...” Lila let her words trail off then looked around at the others, the realization dawning on her that she was the last to know something that had been all too obvious to every person in this barn. Her eyes widened, and her hand went to her heart. “Oh my God.”
My cue to leave. I strode to the door, but Lila jumped up from her seat and grabbed my arm to stop me.
“Brody,” she whispered. Her dark brows furrowed, and she searched my face for an answer.
I studied her pretty heart-shaped face. Her eyes were vivid green, the same shade of green as the tall grass in the field. She still had a few freckles on her nose although they’d faded over the years. Same full lips and wide smile that lit up her whole damn face.
When we were kids, we rode horses together. Skipped rocks in the creek. Camped out in the backyard and told ghost stories. Me, Lila, and Jude had been inseparable. When we were in high school, I beat up Kyle Matthews for talking shit about her. When her mom died and she and Jude had a falling out, it was me she used to talk to about how much she missed her mom and what an asshole her stepdad was. When her stepdad skipped out and she moved in with us, her bedroom right down the hall from mine, I saw her every single day and I tried my best not to notice that the girl I’d grown up with had developed curves in all the right places and had a way of putting a smile on my face even on the worst days.
In our late teens and early twenties, when Jude was serving his five years of active duty in the Marines, we used to hang out a lot. She came to my rodeos and cheered louder than anyone. I took her to parties and football games at UT Austin so she wouldn’t miss out on the college experience. I did it for Jude because he’d asked me to look out for her but that wasn’t the only reason I did it. I loved spending time with Lila. I loved her laugh and her stubbornness and her resilience. I loved everything about her.
When Jude came home from Afghanistan and started self-medicating with drugs and booze, it was me who Lila confided in. It was me she called when she had a miscarriage and Jude was too stoned and high and drunk to get out of bed and drive her to the hospital. I was the one she called when Jude OD’d, and she was out of her mind with worry. By some miracle, I’d found him in a field, just in time.
When Noah was born, I insisted on being in the delivery room. I didn’t give a shit if she wanted me there or not, I wasn’t about to miss the birth of my son. She’d squeezed my hand so tightly I thought she’d broken some bones. But I didn’t give a shit. The most important thing to me was that I’d been there for her through it all.
All of these memories raced through my head in the span of thirty seconds. Like a high-speed movie reel of Lila and Brody highlights over the years.
But I sure as hell wasn’t going to admit any of this now. Not in front of my entire family. Not at all.
Jude won, I lost. But for the first time in longer than I could remember, it didn’t feel like I had lost. I didn’t feel any of the old bitterness or resentment. Now I could look into Lila’s eyes without wondering what if...
Instead of seeing my future, I saw my past.
We were never meant to be and as much as it pained me to admit it, Jude was right. I wante
d Shiloh in a way I’d never wanted Lila. And even if it would only be for another two weeks, and what I had with Shiloh could never be real, Shiloh already knew me in ways that Lila never had, never would. And I’d like to think she accepted me for exactly who I was. A rude, dirty-mouthed, asshole of a cowboy who had been known to get into too many fights, drink too much, and speak his own truth.
I opened the barn door and walked right the hell out of there, leaving Lila and my family behind. When I was halfway across the backyard, Lila caught up to me and grabbed my arm to stop me. “Brody... talk to me.”
With a weary sigh, I turned to face her. Lila had never been one to let things go and I should have known she wouldn’t do it now. “Why? What good would it do?”
“I just feel...” She gnawed on her bottom lip. “I’m so sorry I relied on you so much. I never meant to take advantage... I had no idea how you felt about me.”
It was funny that Lila was the only one who had never seen it. But her love for Jude had made her blind. She never saw anyone but him. “You never took advantage. I’ve never done anything I didn’t want to. I wanted to be there for you.” And that was the damn truth. I’d been let down so many times in my life. Had been screwed over and fucked up beyond repair. So, a long time ago, I’d vowed that I would never fail the people I loved and cared about. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”