by Emery Rose
“Dean drove me to a clinic but when we got inside, I just couldn’t do it. He said he’d take care of it. He said he’d find the money somehow and we wouldn’t have to give up the baby or our dreams. I believed him because he can be very convincing, especially when he’s telling you what you want to hear. Unfortunately, Dean’s idea of taking care of things was to set up a chop shop in a garage he rented. A few months later, he got busted and ended up in jail. I had the baby at home. We couldn’t afford to go to a hospital so this elderly woman... one of Maw Maw’s friends... delivered the baby. And it was love at first sight.”
I shifted my position so I could see Brody’s face. He tipped his chin down and his eyes met mine. “Hayley,” he said. Not a question. A statement.
I nodded. “Yeah. Hayley was mine. But now she’s not.”
“You gave her up for adoption?”
I would have loved to lie and say yes. But I couldn’t lie to him. Not when I’d set out to be open and honest and tell the whole truth. “No. I wanted to keep her but my brother... he said I had to give her up, that we couldn’t take care of a baby. That I wasn’t ready to be a fit mother. We had no money. Dean was in prison. And I knew he was right. I knew he was doing what was best for everyone. But it was so hard to do. He drove me to the hospital and walked me in and I handed my baby over to a nurse, and I said ... I said I was exercising the Safe Baby Haven law. I had to answer some questions... I don’t even remember. But I didn’t even have to give my name.”
“And when I walked out of that hospital without my baby girl, I felt so empty. Like I’d lost a big piece of myself and I’d never get it back. Never be able to fill that hole in my heart.” I rubbed my thumb over the rosary tattoo on my ring finger. “The strangest thing happened. This old woman chased after me in the parking lot and when I turned to look at her, she smiled and pressed a rosary into my hands. And she said, “The good Lord hears your prayers and always listens. Sometimes you don’t get the answers you want, but the good Lord knows us better than we know ourselves, so we always get the answers we need.” And I’ve never forgotten her words on what had to be one of the worst days of my life. But I still feel like a horrible person for what I did. I turned over my own baby like she was ... an item of clothing that didn’t fit quite right.”
I stopped talking and we were silent for a few seconds. Now that I’d told the story, I couldn’t even look at Brody’s face. What must he think of me?
“Listen to me... you were only eighteen and you weren’t ready to be a mother. There’s no shame in that. You did the best thing you could at the time. The best thing for her and the best thing for you.”
“That’s what I keep trying to tell myself. She’s happy. And that’s all that really matters so I need to leave her alone and stay out of her life. That’s the best thing I can do for her.”
“Is it though? And what about your feelings? You think they don’t matter?”
I pulled back to look at him. “I thought you agreed with me. There’s nothing I can do about it. What’s done is done. And I’d love nothing more than to spend time with her, for her to know I’m her birth mother. But I can’t take the risk that the media will get hold of it and spread the news all over the tabloids. I don’t want that for her. I don’t want to mess up her life, you know?”
“I know that. But don’t you think she has the right to know you?”
“What good would that do, Brody? She’s only six. Too young to understand. How would you feel if Noah had been adopted and his birth mother showed up at your door unannounced?”
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.
“Because it’s not something you can imagine. You would have never given up your son, just turned him over to some random nurse in a hospital without even knowing his fate, and neither would Lila.”
“We were in a different place in our lives. We were in our twenties, making decent money and we had family to help out. But even with all those resources, it was hard. Raising a kid is a full-time job and babies are expensive. You have to change your whole life to accommodate one tiny little baby. Unlike animals, human babies are helpless, completely relying on their parents to take care of all their needs.”
“And that’s my point. Dale and Meredith did all that for her. They raised her, took care of her when she was sick, they were there for her every step of the way. I forfeited my right to call myself a mother... and Brody?”
“What?”
I was going to admit my worst sin of all. Like he was the priest, and I was the sinner sitting in the confessional, trying to ease my guilty conscience. “While I was driving, I realized that I really wasn’t ready to be a mother. Not then and not now. I feel like that old woman was right. Raising a daughter wasn’t part of the greater plan for my life. God knew that better than I did.”
“You believe in God?” He sounded surprised.
Not the question I’d expected after my confession. “Yes. Don’t you?”
“Nope.”
“Do you believe in anything?”
“I believe in a lot of things.”
“But not God?”
“Not God, no. I believe in reincarnation.”
“Maybe we’ve come back in this life to find each other. Maybe we knew each other in a former life.”
“Wouldn’t surprise me.”
Oh Brody. My heart felt like it might burst. Sometimes he said the sweetest, most unexpected things.
“Is this what you were doing today... is that why you took off on your own?”
I nodded. “I was trying to work through all my mixed-up feelings and when I hit that deer, I lost it. It was like...” I took a shuddering breath, remembering the horror when I’d discovered that deer was dead. Brody was going to think I was crazy for what I was about to say but I’d come this far, and he hadn’t judged me once, so I might as well finish what I’d started. “It felt really symbolic, in the most horrific way imaginable. Like I’d killed off that fawn’s mother...”
“And killed off the part of you that was bound to Hayley.”
I sat back and stared at him. “How did you get that?”
He laughed and scrubbed his hand over his face. “Shit. I think I’ve been hanging out with you for too long. I’m starting to say all kinds of messed up shit. Maybe I really can read your mind.”
“Well, that would be scary.”
“Doesn’t scare me. Not even a little bit. I love your mind and your crazy ideas, and I love the way you speak your truth even when it’s not pretty. I love all that about you, Shi-loh.”
And I loved him. I was in love with him and I think I’d known it from the start. That I would fall for him. That he’d get under my skin and into my heart and I’d hear his voice in my head and conjure up the image of him no matter how far away I traveled or how long we were apart. I would always carry him with me.
But I didn’t say the words and neither did he. I was free to go now, I’d done what I set out to do. I’d made my peace with what I’d done at eighteen. I could close this chapter of my life now. And if it weren’t for Brody, I would leave tomorrow and return to L.A. But we still had four more days together and I didn’t want to waste a single moment of the precious time I had left with him.
“Four more days,” he said, reading my mind.
“Four more days,” I echoed. “No regrets.”
“Not a single one.” He side-eyed me. “What do you want to do for the next four days?”
“How about we fuck like rock stars?”
He threw back his head and laughed and when he was done laughing, we fucked like rock stars. Somehow, we managed to break the bed and that had us laughing again, the two of us naked and slick with sweat, our bodies tangled together on the floor.
It was good and it was true and it was honest, all these feelings I had for Brody. My one true love who I’d found by accident but would be leaving behind in Texas. And now more than ever I had to believe all the things I’d sacrificed would be worth it in the en
d.
People came and went, but music... it would always be there for me. That was what I had to keep reminding myself.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Shiloh
The next afternoon, the sun was trying to come out from behind the clouds, the air was warm, and you’d never know it had stormed the night before. I was sitting on Brody’s back porch, my body sore and my head throbbing, eyes shielded by sunglasses. From here, I had a view of the barn and the round pen where Brody was working with a yearling. But he was far enough away that he wouldn’t be able to hear me. I scrolled through the contacts on my phone and pressed call. He answered on the second ring.
“Hey Gideon. It’s Shiloh. I was hoping you could help me with something.”
“I’ll do my best, but you should know… Brody’s always been a redneck. Not much I can do to change that.”
I laughed. His Texan accent was barely detectable, and I suspected he’d worked hard to lose it. “I happen to like rednecks. Especially the charming ones.”
“Are we talking about the same guy? Brody McCallister?”
I smiled. “The one and only.”
“What can I do for you?”
“I heard you helped him get a grant.” Brody hadn’t told me. Lila had.
“I did.”
I watched Brody doing his thing. Maybe he didn’t like the term, but from where I was sitting, horse whisperer was the only way to describe the way he handled horses. “Wouldn’t it be great if he could get an even bigger donation?”
He was silent for a moment. “If he ever finds out, he won’t be happy. And that’s putting it mildly.”
“I know. That’s why it will have to be our little secret.”
“Tell me what you have in mind.”
We talked for twenty minutes and when we cut the call, my headache was all but gone and I had a smile on my face.
Sometimes dreams come true, Brody. I couldn’t give him everything I wanted to without raising suspicion, but I could help. Just a little.
“Hey Shy. How’s it going?”
Ridge plopped down on the wicker chair next to me and planted his work boots on the banister.
“Hey Ridge. I’m so sorry about last night. And I never got the chance to thank you.”
He laughed. “You thanked me about a million times last night. We’re good. It’s cool.”
“How was work?”
“It sucked. Like always. Me and my uncle don’t see eye to eye. On anything.”
“That’s hard.”
“He’s a hard-ass. I’m not a fan. I get why my mom never wanted to ask him for help. He would have made her feel like shit.”
I side-eyed him. “Do you miss her?”
He shrugged one shoulder. “She wasn’t the best mom in the world, but she was the only one I had. So yeah, sometimes I think about her. Pisses me off that she went back to drugs. She was doing so good for a while. I really thought she had her shit together.”
I knew how that was, wanting to believe in someone when they told you they were clean and sober and never going back to drugs and alcohol. They’d lie and promise and swear up and down that everything was going to be different. Dean was doing it again now.
“If you could do anything… be anything you want… what would it be? What’s your dream, Ridge?”
“What’s the point in thinking like that? Dreams don’t come true.”
“Sometimes they do. Just tell me. It’ll be our little secret.”
“I guess…” He narrowed his eyes, thinking about it. “I’d do something in the music industry. Like… I don’t know… I told Brody I wanted to be a roadie. But I want to do something with sound. Like mixing. Or a DJ or some shit like that.”
“I could see you as a DJ.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Totally.” What I could envision was him working at a hot club and all the women going crazy over him. But I didn’t say that.
Ridge chuckled under his breath. I followed his gaze. Brody was walking across the backyard toward us. “He’s so fucking jealous, it cracks me up. What a dumb shit.”
Brody stopped in front of us, his eyes narrowed on Ridge. “She needs to rest.”
“Which is why we’re just hanging out and chillin’, bro.”
“Is he bothering you?” Brody asked me.
I shook my head. “Not at all. I love hanging out with Ridge.”
Ridge snickered and moved his chair right next to mine then wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “I’m her favorite McCallister. Get at the back of the line, dude.”
Brody scowled. “Get your fucking hands off her.”
I tried to suppress my laughter but failed.
“What’s so funny?” he asked me.
“You.”
He rolled his eyes. It made him look like a teenager. Jealous Brody was kind of adorable.
The night before I left, Brody stayed with me at the guesthouse. That morning, I stood by the round pen and watched him start a colt. I was there when he put the saddle on its back and rode it for the first time. I had said goodbye to Phoenix, the filly Brody brought into this world, who was running in the pasture with the other horses. And I’d ridden Rebel, the black horse with the white star named after Lila. I’d found out Rebel was Jude’s nickname for Lila which explained why Brody had laughed when he told me the horse’s name.
Earlier that evening we’d gone to watch the wild horses, this time from the truck as we drove across the land they lived on, leaving a swath of salt in our wake for the horses. It had been the golden hour and once again Brody had shimmered like gold. So strong and true and beautiful.
Later, we watched the sun set over the hills from the back of the truck, the land bathed in hues of purple and pink, Brody’s arms wrapped around me, my back leaning against his broad chest, and I thought about how much I’d changed and how much had happened in only six weeks. And how quickly Brody had become someone so special to me. I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t want this to be the end, but neither of us had the power to stop time.
I’d already said my goodbyes to the McCallisters yesterday so now it was just me and Brody, sitting on the back porch steps watching the stars. They really did burn brighter here in Texas. This night was so bittersweet, and I couldn’t believe it was our last one together.
I’d come here looking for one thing and had found something completely different.
“I hate goodbyes,” I said. “There’s something so sad and so final about them.”
I was hoping and praying he’d say this didn’t have to be goodbye. But he didn’t. He just took my hand, laced his fingers in mine and led me up the stairs.
Then he undressed me in the soft light of the moon and caressed my skin with his rough, calloused hands before he lifted me up and laid me on the bed. So tender, so gentle I nearly cried. I watched him take off his clothes and then he climbed onto the bed and crawled up my body, his lips trailing his hands up my thighs, over my hips and ribcage. He palmed my breasts and sucked one nipple into his mouth. I grabbed his head and held it to my chest, digging my fingers into his hair. My legs wrapped around his back, and I angled my hips just right, cradling his hard length between my slick folds.
He moved to my mouth, his forearms braced on either side of me and for a few moments, he stared at my face as if he was trying to memorize it. A lock of hair fell over his forehead and I lifted my hand to brush it away then held his face in both of my hands.
“Brody,” I whispered.
He dipped his head and slanted his mouth over mine. When our lips touched, my eyes drifted shut and my legs cinched more tightly around his back. Brody kissed me like this would be the last time he would ever kiss my lips.
I lifted my hips, and he nudged his tip against my entrance. Then he glided inside me, and ever so slowly thrust in and out, like we had all night, and he was in no hurry.
He kissed my lips. My jaw. The sensitive spot just below my ear.
This wasn’t fucking. He was maki
ng love to me. This gentleness was the cruelest form of torture.
What felt like hours later, we both hurtled into shared orgasms. Afterward, he held me in his arms, and we talked until the sun came up.
“I’ll miss you, Cowboy.” We were standing near the security check at the Austin airport and even though we were standing close, facing each other, it felt like he was already gone. Like his mind was elsewhere and he was putting distance between us.
“Nah. You’ll be just fine. Give it a day or two and you won’t even remember my name. Brody who?” He mimicked my voice.
I tried to laugh but it came out sounding hollow. “Why is it so hard to leave?” And by that I meant, why is it so hard to leave you?
“You’re gonna be just fine. You’re Shiloh Leroux. You’re a supernova. You shine so bright, baby. So fucking bright.” He grasped my chin in his hand and gave me a soft kiss then released me. “You should go now. You’ll miss your flight.”
“Brody. We can make this work. I know we can.”
“That wasn’t our deal, Shy. Your life is out there, mine is here. We knew that from the start. We agreed. Six weeks. No regrets.”
“Things change.”
He took a step back, putting even more distance between us, and shook his head. “Don’t make it harder than it already is. Just turn around and walk away.”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. He was right. Why prolong our goodbye? But I didn’t want to leave him like this. I wanted him to tell me there was another way and that we had a future and he’d do everything in his power to make it happen, but he didn’t say one single word.
“What if…”
“There’s no what if for us. You’re a rock star. I’m just an asshole cowboy trying to keep a roof over my head. I’ve got nothing to offer you.”
“How can you even say that?”
“We’ve had our fun and now it’s over.”