Janet ~ March 25th
Finally we’ve begun, myself, Robert, Sandy and a new young woman named Susan. We also have the two little ones, Janelle and Brian. I’ve taken care of them, taken them in. They will go with us when we go, I expect.
Sandy had some sort of falling out with Nell. She won’t talk about it, but she’s been upset all of today, and she was upset most of yesterday. She did seem better tonight though, laughing and talking with Susan. I have an idea. Relationships on their own can be difficult, especially now. But I could be wrong. Maybe it’s only the stress we’re all dealing with. Maybe it’ll be easier now.
I am trying hard to keep myself in check also. People seem to expect a lot from me. I know that. I see that. I do everything that I can do, but I never know what is right or what is not. We’re sleeping in a field. Better than a cave? Some think so. Soon a longhouse?
Lilly ~ March 25th
The last several days have been really hard. So many crazy people.
We have two more women. I don’t have to worry about either of these two around Tom. Not that I do. I’m really not that insecure.
I was one of the ones today, I mean the ones with some responsibility. I used to laugh at that. But it made me feel good today to be entrusted.
I drove one of the trucks. Mike gave me some juice. It was nice. Sometimes I think he thinks of me as a little girl. Maybe that will change? I Hope so. I’m almost the same age as Kate after all.
Goodbye cave, hello road.
Kate ~ March 25th
It’s late. Mike is sleeping. I’m about to be; I just wanted to write this down.
We escaped today. Really that’s what we did. It was bad back there, but we are no longer there. I’m glad for that.
We may have a lot of traveling ahead, or we may not. We made good time tonight, but in places the road or the ground was a mess. We passed a bridge that was embedded in the ground at a ninety degree angle. It goes straight up if you can imagine that, two lanes of perfect blacktop shooting up about fifty feet into the air. Who knows how much of it is buried in the ground?
I am so tired but so glad we are on our way. And safe as well. I’m glad we’re safe. Who knows where we will end up? I can’t think about it now. I’m just grateful to be alive, not caught by those men back there.
I’m going to stop writing and crawl under the blankets with my man. I’m glad we’re all here and okay…
Patty ~ March 25th
We are free. Mike told me what those bastards intended to do. Unbelievable, or it was until I talked with Molly and Susan. We, Ronnie and Tim and I were over on the North side. They would have gotten us eventually. Maybe even could have, but they didn’t. They didn’t, and here we are camped out in a field of hay and Watertown is long behind us. The people I love are safe, and tonight that’s enough to be right with the world, as messed up as it all is…
Tom ~ March 25th
I see so many people writing tonight. I guess it’s been that kind of a day.
I thought it would be better to stay. I was wrong. I had no idea how bad things could get. I must have been looking at some alternative world, not the real one. I’ve been like that all through my life. Overly Goddamn rigid! But I’m learning. I have already learned a few things.
I’m not good with this journal stuff, but when I looked around and saw so many others writing, I decided it didn’t matter. It’s like an outpouring of some kind. We are free, really free tonight. It’s unbelievable, but it’s true. What else is there to wish for?
I have Lilly. I’m in better shape than I’ve been in for a long time. I can sleep at night. I mean real sleep, not that toss and turn stuff I did in the old world. And I’ll do that later on tonight. Meanwhile I have one of the first watches. I don’t mind. You know, I don’t pray much, but thank you God.
Sandy ~ March 25th
I have never had three days like this in my life before. Emotional highs and lows. I was positive we would be killed. I know that is morbid, but I was. I could see no way out; I mean you have to fight, right? I am not upset that we ran, but I would’ve fought. Honor is more important than life to me. But it was not my decision. I had a say, but my say was in the minority. In fact, it seemed like I was the only one.
Another thing happened. It was horrible, then beautiful, then
horrible, and now unexpectedly beautiful again… I think. I won’t write personal, personal things here though. Even so, I had a chance at something, but I couldn’t do it, couldn’t let myself feel it, so I lost it. But I have another chance it seems. The world is a funny place.
One more thing, just to remind myself. A certain person who thinks she’s so perfect, can do no wrong, she seems to look down on me. But today I saw the way she looked at someone else… Another woman. I know what I saw from both of them, but I don’t think either of them knows it about each other. My point is, how can she look down on me? How can that be?
Nell ~ March 25th
We made it, which is the really big news for all of us. We’ve made it.
I don’t know where we are going. I don’t think anyone else does either, but we are free of living under siege.
It was such a good plan. If he was free and I liked men, I would go for Mike. He’s not your typical man. I see the way he treats Kate. Of course Kate is the type of woman who would not take any other sort of man… Or woman? I think so.
But it’s not just Kate but all women he treats that way. He treats men the same way. He has natural abilities when it comes to people. He is a leader. Anyway, the plan worked perfectly.
In other news, we are not together like I had hoped. I had written that I had finally talked to Sandy but she denied everything, seemed really embarrassed. So was I. I thought maybe I was wrong, and I guessed I must have been, but that’s the way the world is. Sometimes we are wrong. What I saw may have been only curiosity, something else, I told myself. But, it turns out I was right the first time. I’m getting ahead of myself.
When she shot me down I was upset, but I went with it. What else could I do? But they say there is a reason for everything, and three nights ago I found out why. I met Molly.
Molly was one of the women that escaped from those men. She had a really bad time with them, went through some bad things, but that didn’t influence who she is, or what she is. She is still herself in other words; the other part of that explanation went much deeper.
She wanted me to know that she had always been attracted to women, not men, that nothing they did to her changed her from some other woman into the one I was meeting. It was important to her for me to understand that. I guess it was important to me too.
She says she has known who she was since junior high. It was amazing to me to meet someone with that kind of confidence. We were talking about real things, heart and mind things, within just a few minutes.
She and Susan had just not clicked. They like each other, but not on that level. But Susan knows who she is too, and has for a long while. I feel like I am the only one who had to take the long way around to finding out that I am who I am, or admitting to myself who I am… I guess there is a big difference in those two statements. I was hiding out for so long. Living in this little city. My life was so structured. I was married to a man, for God’s sake. Molly was something else. Is something else.
The next morning, at breakfast, she caught me looking and that was that. We were sitting outside talking a little while later, and she just kissed me. Stopped all of my words and nearly stopped my heart too. And then she smiled, and I kissed her back.
Sandy came out of the cave a few minutes later, saw us and she just knew. I could tell by the way she looked at us. She was so mad at me. I felt guilty too, but she had said no. She had said that I was mistaken, wrong about her. So not a good way to find out that I was right. Sandy had lived in her shell longer than I had. In the end, we talked it out. We’re okay. We worked it out.
Molly and I are together. It was just that fast, and it’s good. I feel like
I’ve never felt. And we’re free now. And last, my heart is lighter. I saw Susan and Sandy talking and laughing together all night tonight. It made me feel better. I think everyone has seen Molly and me together, but as of tonight we are actually together, as in living together, as in partners, as in sleeping in the same space together... figuring out where we're going to go... together.
I’m not going to waste any more of my life. I won’t say love. Love takes time, but it is so close that it may as well be.
Mike ~ March 25th Late Night
It’s late, but we’ve finally settled down for the night. We have tents, food, and of course we can build a fire for warmth. The basic stuff, right? I think so.
We drove two hours into the darkness and then pulled off into a big, empty field. We’re in a small town somewhere north of Syracuse. If anyone is here, we haven’t seen them. There’s a small general store. It’s wood framed and in horrible shape, but it’s standing, or most of it is, and the canned stuff is all there. So if there was someone here, they never touched anything inside the store area.
Animals have been in and out. Anything that could be eaten has been. Nearly everything’s been gnawed on. We put together a good meal with canned stuff though. We took as much as we could carry in the trucks to top off what we had. I say we, but it’s really Janet who’s done the work, gotten people motivated to do something. She’s good at that. A good organizer: meals, children, lists, you name it. She’s one of the most ‘on the ball’ people I’ve ever met. I wish I had half of her confidence.
We’re too far away to pick up anything on the radios from Watertown. Even so, we’ve picked up bits and pieces of conversation as we’ve traveled. Not enough to know where it’s from, but some people somewhere are communicating.
We discussed big cities - Syracuse is not far away - and decided against them. All that concrete and steel, people. Disease alone could be a problem.
Almost everyone approves of what we did today. Approves, that’s a funny word to use, but it’s what it is. There were a few; I could sense it, who wanted to fight. The two new women, Molly and Susan... I shouldn’t try to read minds though.
But I do understand it. And if I'm honest, I wanted to fight too. It was my first impulse, but that sobered me up, the fact that it was an impulse. No matter how I looked at it, after I cut out the emotional response, it made no sense at all. Even so, I find myself second guessing it. I’m not entirely sure I’ve done the right thing talking everyone into going on the road. It could go bad. It could be bad. But I tell myself maybe I’m just unaccustomed to leading.
What if there were others that were being forced to be there? Hell, there probably were. I remember seeing a woman heave a gasoline bomb from the roof on the square. Was she with one or the other side or fighting to be free? No way to know, and could we have won if we had fought them? Could we have helped those people if it did turn out that they needed help, or would we simply have gotten ourselves and them killed trying? Or captured? And we know what that would have meant for the women in our group. And the men? Probably would've just killed us. I did what I thought was best. No, I won't second guess it, I did the right thing.
Where are we going? I don’t know. We haven’t had the time to talk it over. And on a personal level it matters to me what Kate wants to do, where she wants to go.
Tom: I don’t know what to think about Tom. Sometimes I feel like he’s fine with me... We’ll be fine. And I wasn’t all that sure that we could ever get to that place for awhile. And, I’m still not always convinced. Sometimes I see him looking at Kate and I think, if there isn’t something, some sort of feeling still there, then there is some sort of resentment there. He’ll look at Kate then me; one reminds him of the other, and not in a good way. And, you know what? I think I’m being excessively hyper critical. I’m reading too much into it. I just don’t know. I want to trust him. Hell, he’s smart. We need him. Is that a reason to walk the line? Does that make me any better than any of those fakes in the old world that I hated? I don’t think it does. I’m just trying to be real. I guess I’ll keep it real with him, but I’ll have to keep an eye on him because I’m just not sure.
Bob: Bob is straight forward. Bob wants the Nation restored. Bob wants all the native peoples back together living in peace. But where are they? He believes they’ll find us. Maybe they will. He believes in what he calls the Rainbow Tribe; People that feel the call but aren’t completely native, or maybe have no Native blood at all. But they want the life, and he believes they will come to where ever the spirit leads him. What can I say to that? It could be. For all I know that is exactly the way it’s supposed to be. And maybe Jesus will show up too… I don’t mean that sarcastically. A month ago I thought I would spend the balance of my life in Watertown. I liked my life. I didn’t see this. I didn’t believe this when people said it might happen. But how often has some whack job predicted the end of the Earth? Too often.
Even so, here I am. I’m leading people. Other people. They believe I’m capable of doing that. You couldn’t have sold me that story a few weeks ago, that’s for sure. So, Bob? Could be his dream will become a reality. I only know he’s level headed, pretty solid, and he knows more about surviving this kind of world than all the rest of us put together because of his native background.
Ronnie: Probably going to be the best friend I’ve ever had. In the world I had friends, and I thought they were real friends, as tight as I could imagine, but this kind of world makes for a kind of friendship, at least for me, that could never have been in that old world. He’s solid. Loyal. Smart. I need him too.
I’ve started to do this thing over the last few days. I think things out loud, bounce them off him. He seems to think of the things I don’t. That’s important. I may lead, but this is not a one man show.
Kate: I suppose she’ll read this someday. Or at least if she wanted to I would let her. I was by myself. I don’t mean I never went out; I did, but there was no one special, no one I was serious about, and I don’t think there ever would have been. I was used to who I was.
There is nothing she doesn’t know about me, and I’m pretty sure I can say the same thing about her. She told everyone, me included at first, that she was here visiting her grandparents. It's not true though. She was living here. She had wanted to go into Law Enforcement like her father, but she hadn’t been able to make the college end of it work out yet. So, she was here dancing. That’s why she doesn’t allow anyone to call her Katie, except Janet who can do no wrong in Kate’s eyes. She was saving for college. She was dancing here hoping it never got back to anyone who knew her in Syracuse. I love her. It doesn’t hurt to say that, but it scares me.
Patty: She’s got this distance thing with me. Not cold, not mean, not anything like that. I don’t know what it is. It baffles me. Even so, I don’t think it will affect us or the group, and maybe it’s me.
Sandy: She has something against Kate, and that means she has something with me by proxy. It’s just that way. I don’t know what the deal is. Maybe it’ll work itself out, maybe it won’t.
Nell: Nell is solid. I like her. Annie, Tim, good kids, not really kids either. Janet… I should like her and I do but I have this reservation in me about her. There is a part of her that bothers me.
Lilly: I can’t help but like Lilly. She is real all of the time. Where Bob believes in The Great Spirit, she believes in Jesus. She calls herself a Christian. She says she’s not religious though, and that Jesus wasn't either. She believes he’s coming back, but probably not for awhile, not in her lifetime.
Molly and Susan: I tried not to like them, to be reserved. But they are too likable, too honest, straight forward. They’ll be assets to us. I like them in spite of my fear of just accepting anyone at all at face value. I don’t know what to make of the world outside of Watertown.
I do know that this little drive has been enlightening. There is so much destruction everywhere I look, but then I see other things as well. Herds of deer and cows everywhe
re, a few horses, and packs of wild dogs as well, and we’ve traveled only a few miles, really. What will the rest be like?
So many animals, so few people. Looks like we’ve adapted ourselves right out of existence. I guess those are my thoughts. They seem kind of small written out like this, but at the same time frightening... huge. We’re down for the night, on the road to where ever tomorrow.
~State Street Hill~
They came from the barn and made their way out to the twisted and buckled road. Thirty all together, and now they did have a leader. They had a leader, and they were becoming less and less afraid of the living.
The fires that burned far below in the city were another matter. They could not overcome the panic and the fear that leapt into them every time they saw the flames leap far below or the smell of smoke came to them on the air currents that floated up over the city and up to where they were.
He came last from the barn, slow, but not slow because he needed to move slow, or because he was missing parts of himself like so many were. He moved slow because he chose to move slow. He moved slow because there was no need, in his mind, to move fast. Slow worked.
He walked through the others where they had gathered looking down at the city and the pall of smoke that hung over it. He walked to the edge of the road where it curved into the dip that began the long, steep fall down into the city. He stood for a long time... scenting the air... thinking.
The moon continued across the sky. Time slipped by; the noise from the city did not return, and yet he stood still. Finally he turned and faced them. He shook his head slightly, raised his eyes to the moon and then looked back down. “No,” he said. His voice was smooth, seemingly unmolested by rot and decay. “No,” he said once more. “Not yet.” He walked back to the barn slowly. The others hesitated a few seconds and then turned and followed him back to the barn.
The Rising of the Dead Page 23