Julia began washing his hair, coaxing him to lean forward so she could reach every dark strand.
“God hasn’t punished me yet,” he murmured.
“What are you talking about?”
“I keep waiting for him to take you away.”
She brushed the shampoo from his eyes so he could open them.
“That isn’t how God works.”
“I’ve lived an arrogant, selfish life. Why shouldn’t he punish me?”
“God isn’t hovering above us waiting to punish us.”
“No?” His eyes were tortured.
“No. Did you ever once feel that way when we were in Assisi? When we were sitting near St. Francis’s crypt?”
He shook his head.
“God wants to rescue us, not destroy us. You don’t have to be afraid of being happy, thinking that he wants to take that happiness away from you. That’s not who he is.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because when you’ve had a taste of goodness, it helps you recognize the difference between good and evil. I believe that people like Grace and St. Francis and a whole host of other kind, loving people show us what God is like. He isn’t waiting to punish you and he doesn’t give you blessings just to strip them away.”
She slid her hands up his chest until they rested on either side of his face.
“I’m not going to let you delay having your vasectomy reversed. Whatever you discover, whatever happened, you’re my husband. I want a family with you and I don’t care what your DNA says.”
His fingers encircled her forearms.
“I thought you weren’t ready to have a baby.”
“I’m not. But I agree with what you said in the orchard. If we want to have a baby, we need to start discussing it with the doctors.”
“What about adoption?”
“We can do both. But please, Gabriel, you need to have the procedure reversed if only to show that you believe you will be a good father. And that you aren’t a prisoner of your history. I believe in you, sweetheart. How I wish you believed in yourself.”
He stood under the spray of the shower, closing his eyes and letting the water run over his head. He released her, running his hands through his hair before stepping aside.
Julia took his hands in hers.
“These hands are yours. You can use them for good, or for evil. And no amount of nature, biology, or DNA determines those decisions for you.”
“I’m an alcoholic because my mother was. That wasn’t a choice.”
“You chose to go into recovery. Every day, you choose not to drink or to use drugs. It isn’t your mother or AA that’s making that choice—it’s you.”
“But what will I pass on to our children?” His voice sounded desperate. “I have no idea what’s in my family tree.”
“My mother was an alcoholic. If you’re going to focus on family history, you should ask what I’m going to pass on.”
“The only things you could pass on would be beauty and kindness and love.”
She smiled sadly. “That’s what I was going to say to you. I saw how the children at the orphanage reacted to you. I saw you laughing and playing with them. And taking Maria for a pony ride. You will give our children love, protection, and care. You will give them a home and a family. And you won’t cast them out when they make a mistake, or stop loving them when they sin. You will love them so desperately you’d die for them. That’s what a father does. And that’s what you will do.”
His eyes lasered into hers. “You’re very fierce.”
“Only when I’m protecting someone I love. Or when I’m fighting to stop an injustice. Your giving in to those old lies would be unjust. You’ve done so much to help me, Gabriel. Now it’s my turn. If you want to forget about your family, I’ll support you. If you want to trace every branch of your family tree, I’ll help. But don’t let guilt and fear rob you of your choices. You made the decision to have the procedure reversed. I think you should stick to it. Even if we decide we want to expand our family through adoption.”
“It would be easier for me to forget about my family. But I can’t try to have a child with you without knowing more about them—at least to discover any obvious health concerns.”
“It won’t be easy. But you’ll have someone beside you, supporting you. Right now your past has power over you because you don’t know what’s there. Once you know, you won’t have to worry about it anymore. Take a risk with me, Gabriel.”
He buried his face in her neck.
Of all the gifts God gave me, he thought, the greatest one is you.
Chapter Forty-one
Although Gabriel’s concerns were not entirely assuaged by Julianne’s words, he felt relieved. Her belief in him, her love for him, chipped away at his self-doubt. Truly he was blessed beyond all reason to find such a lover, such a wife. When she’d looked into his eyes and said she wanted him to reverse the procedure whether they planned to have a baby or not . . . Gabriel would remember that moment for the rest of his life.
A proverb from the Hebrew Bible came to his mind: Whoso findeth a wife findeth a great good.
It was at night, when he felt tortured by his past and fearful for his future, that his hope was shaken. Rather than leaving her side to haunt the house in search of alcohol, Gabriel resolved to wrap his arms around her and hold on. His brown-eyed angel didn’t eliminate his concerns. But she gave him the strength he needed in order to fight.
The day after their shower, she’d found him in his study on the second floor, poring over a pile of books, his laptop open on the desk.
“Hi.” She entered the study, carrying a glass of Coke. “I brought you a drink.”
He regarded her appreciatively. “Thank you, darling.”
He patted his lap and she placed the drink on the desk before joining him.
“Did you put this here?” He gestured at the toy train engine, which was now sitting atop a stack of files.
“Yes.” She squirmed, wondering how she was going to explain herself.
“I’d forgotten about it. It makes a good paperweight.”
“I should have asked before I went through your things.”
He shrugged. “It was time. The train was one of my favorite toys as a child.”
“It looks like an antique. Where did it come from?”
Gabriel scratched at his chin. “I want to say that it came from my father. I seem to remember him giving it to me. But that can’t be right.”
Julia offered him a sympathetic look.
“What are you working on?”
“My book. I’m writing a section on Hell. I think I’ll include some remarks on the Guido story. I’ll cite your paper as an authority, of course.” He kissed her.
“That will be easier to do now that my paper is being published.”
“Really?”
“I received an email from the conference organizers telling me that a European press has agreed to publish a few of the papers. They want me to submit mine.”
“Your first publication. Congratulations.” Gabriel hugged her tightly, a feeling of pride washing over him.
“It will be a great line item for my CV.” She toyed with his glasses. “But I’m going to need a favor.”
“Anything.”
She lifted her eyebrows. “Anything?”
“For you, my love, I would endeavor to pluck the stars from the sky, only to shower them at your feet.”
Julia pressed her hand over her heart. “How do you do that?’
“Do what?”
“Say things like that. That’s beautiful.”
He offered her a half-smile. “I’ve spent years studying poetry, Mrs. Emerson. It’s in my DNA.”
“It certainly is.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him determinedly.
“Um, sweetie?”
“Yes?” His voice was a half groan as his hands roamed up and down her sides.
“I need to ask you something.”
“Go ahead.”
“My paper is going to need some revisions before I send it in. They want the manuscript the first week of December. Will you read it and make some suggestions?”
Her expression telegraphed her trepidation. They’d had a fight about that paper a few months previous. She didn’t want to fight with him about it again.
“Of course. It would be my pleasure. I’ll try not to be a bastard when I give you my comments.”
She grinned wryly. “I’d appreciate that.”
“Now, can we have desk sex or do you want to chat all afternoon?”
“Desk sex, please.”
“Your wish is my command.”
Gabriel removed his glasses, tossing them aside. He closed his laptop and placed it on a nearby shelf before carefully removing the train engine. Then with one sweep of his arm, he sent all the books and papers to the floor before placing Julia on top of the desk.
Then they spent the next hour engaged in a new kind of marital bliss—desk sex.
(Desk sex can be very, very good, but it’s important to remove the staplers first.)
Later, Julia began packing for their trip to Tom and Diane’s wedding, while Gabriel remained in his office, trying to write. He found it difficult to concentrate on Guido da Montefeltro at the site of his most recent (and very passionate) encounter with Julianne.
I might never be able to work at this desk again.
Frustrated, he closed the document he was working on and pulled up his email. He typed a short note to Carson Brown, his lawyer, asking that he begin making inquiries about his biological parents and their families.
Then he lifted his cell phone and dialed a number.
Julia entered the bedroom after spending the evening revising her conference paper. Her eyes hurt. She had decided that Paul was right—she was suffering from some kind of eyestrain and needed to see an optometrist. She resolved to make an appointment when she and Gabriel returned from Selinsgrove.
“What’s the matter?” Gabriel’s voice reached her from the bed.
She pulled her hands away from her face. He was sitting up, wearing his glasses, and reading.
She gave him a sheepish look.
“I was on the computer too long and now my eyes hurt. I’m going to have them checked when we get back.”
“Good. Your eyes are so beautiful, it would be shame for them to be injured.” He put a finger in the book that he was reading and extended his other hand to pat the area beside him. “Come here.”
Julia joined him on the bed, noticing that he’d been reading his mother’s diary.
“What made you decide to read that?”
“Since I’m beginning my investigation of my family, I thought I shouldn’t put it off.”
“Is it making you sad?”
He put the diary aside and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses.
“It’s tragic more than anything else. She graduated from high school and moved into the city to share an apartment with a girlfriend. Her first job was working for my father’s company. One of his secretaries went on maternity leave and she filled in temporarily. That’s how they met.”
“She was young.” Julia clasped her hand in his.
He glanced down at their connection. “Almost as young as you when I met you. Funny how history repeats itself.”
“Don’t,” Julia said, in a low voice. “You could have gone down that road. But you didn’t. We’re different.”
“I went down that road with someone else.”
Julia felt her anger flame. “You didn’t abandon Paulina. You cared for her for years. You are not the kind of man who would abandon your child.”
“Say that again.” Gabriel’s voice was a cross between a growl and a plea.
Julia reached up to remove his glasses, lying across his body to place them on the nightstand. Then she lifted her face, still reclining over him.
“Gabriel Emerson, you are not the kind of man who would abandon your child. And as much as you might think of yourself as the seducer, we both know our seduction was mutual.”
He stroked her hair lightly before lifting her chin and bringing their lips together.
“Our seduction was most definitely mutual. You’re the only woman who ever persuaded me to give my heart. And you still seduce me, Mrs. Emerson. Every day.”
Gabriel stroked her hair again.
“It sounds as if my parents’ affair started while they were working long hours together. One night, he kissed her. Things progressed . . .”
“Did he love her?”
“He said he did. He bought her extravagant gifts. He wouldn’t be seen in public with her, but they’d meet at hotels.”
Julia fingered her necklace unconsciously.
“I saw some of the jewelry in your desk. There are things from Tiffany and what looks like a wedding band.”
Gabriel scowled. “He gave her that ring when I was born. She used to wear it and pretend she was married. What a farce.”
“It’s possible he did it to protect her.”
“Julianne, nothing my father did protected her.” His voice was cold. “She was young and had lived a sheltered life with her family. She expected he’d leave his wife and family for her. Obviously that didn’t happen.”
Julia tightened her arms around him. “What have you done to find out more about your family?”
“I sent an email to Carson, asking him to make inquiries about the Emersons and about my father.” He cleared his throat. “I made a few phone calls today and was able to schedule an appointment with Dr. Townsend. And a urologist.”
“I’m proud of you. I know you’re anxious. But no matter what you discover, we’ll face it together.”
He sighed and brought his hand up to cup the back of her head.
“If you’re serious about learning more about your mother, I’ll help you.”
She turned to lie on her back, staring up at the ceiling.
“My father has her stuff. I don’t think it’s a good idea to ask about it. He’s got a lot on his mind.”
“You’re right. Have you heard from him?”
“Diane sent me an email about my bridesmaid dress. I’m supposed to pick it up when we arrive.”
Julia was quiet for a moment, thinking. Then she spoke.
“Do you think God has forgiven you?”
His brow furrowed. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Because of our conversation in the shower. You seem to think your past hasn’t really been forgiven.”
He shifted next to her.
“When I was in Assisi, after we’d been separated, it felt as if God forgave me.”
“But you still look at yourself and don’t like what you see?” Her tone was gentle.
“Why should I? I have so many faults.”
“So do all human beings, sweetheart.”
“Maybe I’m more conscious of my own sin.”
“Maybe you haven’t accepted the grace and forgiveness you’ve been offered.”
He looked at her sharply.
She moved closer to him.
“I’m not saying this to grieve you. I see how far you’ve come, and it’s nothing short of a miracle. But part of that miracle is recognizing the magnitude of the grace.”
“I did so many terrible things,” he whispered.
“And God’s forgiveness is so small.” Julia glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.
“I d
on’t think that.”
“But you act like that sometimes—as if you’re still in Hell. As if God couldn’t forgive you.”
“I want to be better.”
“Then be better. Accept the fact that God didn’t bring you this far only to abandon you. He isn’t that kind of father. And you won’t be, either.”
Gabriel pondered her words for a moment.
“If what you say is correct, then you have no reason to fear being a mother. No matter what happened with Sharon or what’s in your past, grace is available to you too. I guess we both need to overcome our fears.”
He caressed her cheek before rolling her beneath him.
“You will be a wonderful mother,” he whispered before bringing their lips together.
Chapter Forty-two
Labor Day Weekend, 2011
The Hamptons, New York
Holy fuck!” Simon exclaimed, collapsing on top of her.
“Holy fuck is right.” She giggled, wrapping her arms around him. “That was amazing.”
Simon couldn’t disagree. He could barely feel his body, his orgasm had been so strong.
Of course, the fact that he and April Hudson were several mojitos past being drunk might have had something to do with it.
In the back of his mind, there was something he was supposed to remember. Something important. Something regarding April.
She climbed on top of him. “Let’s do it again,” she slurred, leaning over him. “It barely hurt. I don’t know why I was waiting . . .”
Chapter Forty-three
Labor Day Weekend, 2011
Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania
Your dad has been using this room as the guest room, but we were thinking of making it the nursery.” Diane opened the door to the small room that was next to the master bedroom.
Julia entered the room behind her, carrying a blue-and-white gift bag.
It was a few days before the wedding and she was helping Diane with things around the house.
“I wanted to paint the walls and have the room ready before the baby came. Now . . .” Diane moved her hand over her abdomen, back and forth.
“I don’t see why you can’t get the nursery ready.” Julia looked around the room, eyeing three familiar-looking boxes on the floor of the closet.
Gabriel's Redemption (Gabriel's Inferno Trilogy) Page 28