Indians were given their names because of some event or things that seemed to suit their personality. One day he told her in the usual matter-of-fact way that her name was “Singing Heart” instead of Little Woman as he had always called her. When she asked why he told her it was her habit of singing from her heart even when she worked the hardest and had no reason to be happy. The music was light and airy most of the time. There were times however when he knew she was homesick or heart broken. The melodies became haunting. A lot of the time she wasn’t even aware that she was singing at all.
She already knew his language. He had taught it to her in her dreams as a young child. Now he taught her to chant and to sing the songs of his tribe. Her lilting voice left him breathless. She felt so deeply. She made everything in life part of her. She had described to him a musical instrument called a piano that she longed to play so badly she dreamed about it. To her surprise he seemed to genuinely comprehend because he had an instrument he played as well. It looked like a crude version of a flute. One day he sat cross-legged the middle of a snow filled canyon with the wind swirling white flakes around him like some primitive fairy dance and played for her. It emitted the most earthy sounds she’d every heard. Rhythmic like his chants. She had the impression of the wind carrying the notes way into the heavens. It made her heart ache with an indescribable feeling. Like how she had felt when the Fenierre’s died.
At night as it grew dark faster they were forced inside spending long hours sitting in front of the fire talking. About how long they’d known each other. What it meant. She told him about God and he told her about the Great Spirit. She had known things all her life that had no explanation. In his culture it was considered a gift. In hers she would have been labeled as crazy.
Because of his secret declaration that she was his wife he could not openly approach any of the other women in his tribe. However as in any society there is always a willing partner to be found. When he finally felt the heat in his loins build up to the point of frustration he sought out the welcoming arms of Bright Star. The squaw was beyond childbearing years. She had outlived three braves and wasn’t squeamish about a little warmth on a cold night.
She met him in the privacy of the caves under the waterfall. They came together silently asking nothing more than to satiate mutual needs. He had made sure Xzan was asleep before creeping out quietly. Overweight, flabby from many years of bearing papooses Bright Star was nevertheless still attractive with huge doe eyes framed by lustrous long eyelashes, full sensual lips and large brown nipples breast. Their joining was passionate. Undemanding as both were experienced lovers with no emotional ties or jealousy. She didn’t ask why he was dissatisfied with his young wife. He never questioned her about who else she met in this trysting place.
Just as the heat built the pleasure was most intense he felt her watching him. It made him furious. He couldn’t block her out anymore. Sometimes they even shared the same dreams. Like the one he had last night about a bear. She had been there fighting with him then woke him up to tell him off because he scared her half to death trying to kill the animal.
She saw him now coupled. Totally abandoned in his lust. He felt violated. She had woke to find him gone after having heard noises outside that frightened her. She began searching for him in her mind beckoning for him to return. When she did find him she felt betrayed. Feelings she didn’t understand exploded inside of her. She wanted to hurt him. To kill the cow he was mounted on.
He was hers! Theirs was a relationship that transcended the physical plane. They were one. They belonged to each other. He had defiled that with another woman. Mingled his soul with hers clouding his own. She was so full of hatred it reached him. He groaned rolling off the startled squaw who was unaware of the inner turmoil he was battling. Xzan was screaming at him. He had never seen her so angry. He ignored her refusing to comment. Reluctantly he left his disappointed lover blaming it on his age and being weary. He was steaming by the time he lifted the flap of the teepee.
She was sitting up on her knees her diaphanous nightgown starkly white in the glow of the firelight. Her violet eyes were glazed almost black in fury. He leaned down grabbing her roughly by the shoulders and shaking her.
“You don’t want me…but you don’t want anyone else to have me either!” he spat.
“What we have we can’t share with anyone else! We belong to each other! How could you…”
She never got to finish. He threw her backwards on the fur pelts his huge frame crushing her angry lips silencing her. She pummeled his massive chest with ineffectual fist. Unafraid. Madder than ever. Trying futilely to turn her head in protest. His mouth bruised her lips as he kissed her unmercifully. Finally he growled.
“If you want to own me then fill all my needs. I am a man I need a woman.”
She gasped for air still trying to push him off of her. He seemed oblivious to her puny struggles. Jaskarra rearranged himself on his elbows with his big hands cradling the back of her neck. Forcing her to look him in the face and see that he was real. She was helplessly pinioned his manhood pressed against her mound with only the thin cotton material as a barrier between them.
She burst out crying in frustration. She knew what he said was true. She only had two choices. To feel abandoned and let him seek his pleasure elsewhere or to give herself to him to keep that person from coming between them. But the thought of the physical intimacy made her feel violently ill. Brett clouded her thoughts. She was reminded of their wedding night. The way he raped her when she was still too innocent to even know what he had really done. The pain was unbearable.
Gray Wolf was drawn inside her memories. He was revolted even though he only caught brief glimpses. He finally understood her panic. The agony she felt. He sighed resolutely. Pressed his dark head against her soft breast he hugged her to him in sympathy. It was pitiful. No wonder she had chosen to live without touch. He knew that to force the issue now would only drive her father away and deepen her fears. Singing Heart had to open up to him on her own or this would always be a form of abuse to her.
There were things he could do to arouse her interest. He planted a light kiss on the corner of her mouth then moved away to spend another unsatiated night alone in his own bed. She lay there shocked. Apprehensive at his change of heart. Unaware that he had witnessed her inner turmoil. A long time later while they both lay thinking in the dark just when she had mellowed out enough to melt into oblivion he murmured quietly, “I will never hurt you. Unless you desire me…come to me…I will never force myself on you that way again. While you are here with me I will not seek another woman. I will give you time to decide for yourself if you want part or all of me.”
Chapter Eight
From that night their relationship changed. They had a new awareness of each other. True to his promise he didn’t try to force her to respond to him but now he reached out more frequently to touch her embracing her with a hug or raining little kisses across her eyelids or cheeks. He put his hand in hers when they walked or his arm around her waist. He cradled her in his lap rocking her like a small child to sleep at night but she always awoke to find him tucking the blankets around her before silently making his way to his own pallet.
It was unbearably cold outside now. The snow was several feet high. Just enough to cocoon the teepee. They were forced to spend all their time together dealing with intimate issues of survival in an enclosed space which brought them closer than ever. The more they shared or talked about the more familiar they became with each other. As she grew to trust him Jaskarra became even more daring. One night he pulled her into his lap taking the hairbrush from her hand and began running it tenderly through her long silken tresses. It was so sensual to have someone else brush her hair. He paused now and then to kiss the nape of her neck or creamy shoulders squeezing her arm reassuringly as he pulled her closer.
She felt her body responding despite the inner turmoil. She unconsciously moaned aloud. His hands grew bolder as he pulled her back agains
t his muscular chest and fondled her tiny nipples through the soft cotton of her bodice in erotic circles with his thumbs. She turned her head sideways to look at him smiling weakly. He smiled back lowering his head slowly till his full lips grazed hers ever so lightly. She could feel his hardness pressed against her back and it made her hot inside and somehow urgent. She broke away in panic but he didn’t follow her just sat there grinning and began discussing the weather as if nothing had happened. He had teased her so much one evening while she was reading to him from the Bible that she threw the book at him in exasperation. Jumping to her feet her beautiful eyes blazing she shook her finger at him.
“Stop it! You’re driving me crazy!”
He looked at her innocently. “What am I doing?”
She stomped her foot frustratedly. “You know exactly what you’re doing!” Then she proceeded to show him exactly what he’d been doing.
She shocked even herself by straddling his lap pinioning his arms together at his chest and proceeding to suck his earlobe sensually trailing fiery kisses down his neck and back up the side of his smooth cheek till she reached his lips. Lingering there she sucked leisurely on the bottom protrusion mimicking his earlier actions. He had never had a woman hold him down before. Not that he couldn’t get loose but the shock of it and the way she imitated his caresses left him too stunned to move. His eyes grew black with unchecked passion. He had never wanted her more than at this moment. It was an urge so intense he felt he would implode if he didn’t get relief. Evidently he had driven her to the same point because what had started in pique had become smoky in her eyes. She stopped punishing him and began kissing him in earnest. They were both panting when she lifted her lips to stare at him in wonder.
She heard the alarm bells going off and started to rise but he reached up to hold her buttocks pulling her back down. She could feel his desire and she felt too vulnerable in that unladylike position. She whimpered but he began fondling her breast deepening the kiss she had begun. His free hand crept around to the front of her skirt then under it and he groaned involuntarily when he felt how wet she was. He worked in circles rubbing her most private places until she was throbbing and squirming to get away. He continued silencing her with his lips and darting to taste her sweetness with his tongue. Exploring the inside of her mouth he teased her tongue with the same circular motion. She began moaning and stopped fighting altogether. Xzan began moving against his fingers in ecstasy soaring towards her climax. She writhed uncontrollably until she was completely spent then slumped against his chest while he held her stroking her hair and hugging her to him. Xzan’s face was flushed and her eyes glazed full of wonder when she finally lifted her dark head to peer up at him.
“Is this what it’s like for you?”
His eyes twinkled. “I can’t remember…it’s been too long. I’ve forgotten.”
It broke the tension. She giggled pretending to beat his chest and this time he did let her get up. As much as he wanted her he had to take this one interesting step at a time. She was at a loss as he dug his way out of the teepee. Felt guilty that he had pleasured her and it hadn't been reciprocated. If he felt irritated however he didn’t show it a few minutes later when he returned with firewood. They spent the rest of the evening in companionable silence while she read by the fire and he played his strange wind instrument. Every now and then they would look at each other and smile. They both knew now it was only a matter of time.
******
Jaskarra had been gone for two days. He had promised to only be out a few hours. She couldn’t feel him and he didn’t respond in his thoughts. Xzan was fearful that something had happened to him. He’d went out looking for fresh meat. A deer or rabbit. She couldn’t wait any longer. Despite his dire warnings about wild animals or getting turned around in the snow and going over a cliff she had to do something. His parting words burned in her ears.
“Promise me that you will not look for me if I don’t return for some reason. You would freeze to death out there or die trying to find me. I don’t want both of us to expire.”
Then he hugged her tiny form close forcing her too look deeply into his serious black eyes. “If I don’t return at the first thaw when you can travel leave this place. It is not safe for a white woman here. I am the only protection you have. Promise me you will not hesitate. Just follow the morning sun and it will take you back the way we came.”
She nodded optimistically.
“I promise. But you’ll be back. You’re meaner than any old wolf out there. And you could find your way through these canyons if you were blind. Just leave so you can hurry up and be back. It’s spooky here with the wind howling like this. I don’t want to be alone very long.”
She rose on tiptoe to graze the side of his cheek teasingly. He turned his full lips into the peck and turned it into a heart-stopping kiss that left her slightly dizzy and more than a little shaken.
If he was unconscious he could die. Freeze to death. If he were hurt he’d need help. She refused to think about the other reason he couldn’t hear her calling him. She dressed as warmly as possible in the Moccasin boots and leg wrappings they had made together during their earlier hunting jaunts together. Her head and hands were wrapped in beaver pelts. She pulled on the buffalo skins he had fashioned as a cloak for her from and as an afterthought tied the herbs he used for poultices and the knife he had made to fit her hand around her waist. She stoked the fire sneezing violently reacting allergically to the fur and the smoke in the teepee. Then fastening the flap securely against the wind and curious animals that might seek warmth she headed in the direction she had last seen him walking in.
The snow was blindingly white. The illusion that it was all flat land was murder on her ankles when she would step in a pothole or climb up a rock unexpectedly. She had to take it slowly as the snow came up to her waist in some places. She memorized landmarks the way he had taught her to breaking a tree branch here and there to mark the path. It was bitingly cold despite her warm raiment. She tugged the beaver fur up over her nose which had started running and rubbed her hands to circulate the blood and heat them up.
Searching methodically desperately looking for some clue she knew he had to be here in the snow. Called him with her mind. All was silent. Frantic with worry but still trying to remain unruffled she was almost to the point that she would be forced to go back or freeze to death herself when she closed her eyes and willed Jaskarra to reveal himself to her. Then without knowing how, it was as if her feet had a mind of their own, she followed her instincts still marking the path along the way suddenly sure that she was headed towards him. The temperature dropped dramatically as the last rays of the sun sank and darkness crept over the land. She was chilled to the bone. Almost blind seeing spots from staring too long into the snow. When she tripped over a large mound falling involuntarily to her knees she gasped in wonder recognizing the still form beside her.
Heart beating frantically she sobbed in relief and fear that it might be too late as she brushed the snow from his gray features feeling hopefully for his pulse. It was still there. Strong and steady. He was covered in blood but she couldn’t see his injuries. Xzan didn’t know how long he had lain there. It seemed inconceivable that he was still alive. Lying in the freezing cold bleeding. It was a miracle that he hadn’t departed naturally or worse been eaten alive by hungry animals who were always scavenging for food in the barren winter months.
She laughed and cried simultaneously holding him close, calling his name and trying to wake him up. He lay limp. Oblivious to her. She didn’t know what to do. She needed him to wake up so she could get him back to the teepee. It became obvious that just wasn’t going to happen and after a few minutes she began looking for an alternative. She had to figure out a way to transport him. She spied some low hanging tree branches that looked sturdy enough. A plan formulated instantly and she ran to cut them down chopping at them loose with her knife. Then fastening her cloak between them she used the smaller vines along with he
r belt and the thongs that held her gloves in place to wrap the ends securely in place. It was like a mobile hammock.
Laying it beside his still form she mustered up all her strength using sheer will to roll him over on top of it. With teeth chattering from the cold she lifted the branches ignoring her stinging fingers that were now exposed to the icy wind and began inching her way back to camp praying that she would be able to see the trail she had marked in the dark. God was with her throughout her arduous task. Jaskarra lay prone oblivious to the jarring. She nearly froze without her gloves and cloak. Afraid to stop even for a moment to rest lest they both die every muscle stretched to the limit as she trudged purposefully forward.
The journey took nearly an hour. By the time she got him to the teepee then half dragged and half carried him by the shoulders inside she couldn’t feel her face or hands anymore. The warmth of the tent sent prickling sensations throughout her body. She took off their wet clothes cutting his from his massive body rolling him over on his side to slide the bloody garments away. The monstrously hug claw marks that began at the base of his neck and stopped just short of his navel spoke volumes. He’d put up one hell of a fight but the bear had won. What puzzled her was why the beast hadn’t devoured its prey afterward. All the animals were hungry this time of the year and wilder than ever when searching for sustenance.
She didn’t have time to ponder it. Xzan mixed up herbs creating a poultice. Then she gently cleaned and doctored his wounds using strips of the petticoats she seldom wore to bandage him the best she could. Fortunately it didn’t appear that he had lost too much blood. He wasn’t overly pale now that he was getting warm. The cold had probably stanched the flow. She had seen men use snow to slow the bleeding when they had accidentally been wounded. But he did have a fever which meant an infection had set in. She bathed him in water knowing that the cleaner his body was the faster it would heal. Then she covered him with all the quilts and furs to burn it out. Her fingers were useless. She had forced herself to work with them but they hung there like useless little knobs with no sensation. For the first time she felt scared for herself. What if she had frostbite? She might never play the piano again. Or be able to do anything else with her hands. It was a sobering thought.
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