She had no idea what her innocent actions of bathing were doing to the man foremost in her thoughts. He had even scorned Bright Eyes all these years since he had sent the woman he loved away. Unable to bear to touch any one else. It had been too long since he had touched or been touched. He waited in the water for her to dress not trusting himself to come out at the same time. She smiled at him sweetly admiring his masculine body unabashedly when he finally emerged. He didn’t see her look because he had turned his back to put his breech-cloth back on. Things might have been different if they had both known the other’s thoughts. He hadn’t tuned her out deliberately. Her soul mingled with another now. She felt clouded. He couldn’t fathom her anymore.
*****
Sean felt nothing. Not even anger. Something had happened inside of him the day the Tornado wiped out their dreams. Xzan’s acceptance of it had infuriated him. Why hadn’t she felt as devastated as he had? He worked himself into the ground day after day with the men he had brought to help him with the farm. They had to make a go of the land. It was all they had left. Without his wife’s money to pay the men or feed them they had almost quit. He’d finally made them a deal to share the money from the crops and given each man his own portion of land. He felt badly about losing his temper with her. Hadn’t known what came over him. Or how to make it up to her. Things had gone from bad to worse. He didn’t blame her for leaving. He’d practically forced her out. Told her to go. But part of him was deeply wounded that she hadn’t loved him enough to stay and fight for him.
One good thing had come from all of this. Kerrie and Robert had found each other and married. She’d gotten pregnant immediately. Was starting to show a little now. He’d moved into the barn with the other men. They sat up late at night playing cards, talking and drinking. He didn’t get drunk only using the liquor help unwind after a long day. Kerrie made them one meal a day. Usually beans and cornbread or whatever they could hunt to put in the pot. A rabbit or squirrel. She’d made a stew tonight with homemade rolls dripping with freshly churned butter that had melted in their mouths.
He didn’t know how he felt about Xzan anymore. Part of him missed her so bad he felt like dying sometimes. The ache was unbearable. Especially when something would remind him of her. Like the birds coming out in the spring. She used to feed them every morning. Chirping to them. Imitating their distinct sounds. Another part of him was cold. Especially when he had those headaches that had plagued him since that door had hit him in the temple. He knew he had some kind of damage. The headaches were fierce. He felt like he was in a tunnel. Became a person strange even to himself when his head throbbed in agony. He said and did things he normally wouldn’t. Things he didn’t even recall that Robert informed him of later. It scared him that he might be going crazy like his Uncle Jeb.
It had been half a year since his wife disappeared. He’d stayed in town for two days trying to flush her out of hiding. Then another month leaving no stone unturned on the road into town searching for signs that she had passed that way or his worse fear that she had been attacked by a wild animal. There was no trace of her. It was as though she vanished from the face of the earth the same way Jed had, except there was no tornado to blame it on this time. Only himself. She had disappeared as if she’d never been there. On foot taking nothing with her except the clothes on her back. He had accepted in time that he would never see find her or know for sure what had become of her. He’d been to town to see Trudy and another saloon girl named Amy a few times. It hadn’t helped appease anything except his immediate male needs.
They weren’t the petite woman who smelled like roses with the stars in her eyes that incredible lavender shade when she looked out upon this vast wilderness exuberantly.
Sean didn’t have anywhere else to go. He had no family left except his cousin. No money stashed away for a rainy day. Either he made the farm profit of he died trying. So he persevered never dreaming that only a few miles away his wife was at that very moment giving birth to his child.
*****
Shining Face, Gray Wolf’s Aunt was urging Singing Heart to squat the way that all the Indian women of her tribe did. It eased the birth. Made it quicker. She had born 12 of her own children knew what she was talking about. The older woman frowned at the small woman with the sky colored eyes who was crying in pain. An Indian maiden would never show her pain. She grunted in disgust at the sight of a brave having to help with women’s work. Her nephew was the medicine man. Highly revered among their people. His word was law and he had insisted the white woman was too fragile to have the baby without him.
Xzan pushed weakly unable to hold herself up without Gray Wolf and Doe Eyes helping support her. Shining eyes didn’t understand why Jaskarra would want to help bring another man’s child into the world. He had married the white woman and then sent her away. She came back married to another man carrying his seed. She would be leaving when the child was old enough travel.
It made no sense to Shining Face or anyone else in the tribe that she talked to. Gray Wolf had always been special even as a boy seeing the future in ways that none of his people dared to question. He was held in high esteem among even his own family and when he asked his Aunt to help with the birth Shining Face had brought her daughter and respectfully done as requested even though like many of her people she hated the whites.
The pain was worse than Xzan remembered it being. She had grown huge with this pregnancy. It felt like she was carrying a monster the way it stretched and kicked from all directions. She had become a little anxious toward the end of the pregnancy. Under the impression that she should have picked a smaller man to marry. It dawned on her how huge Sean was and it frightened her that the baby apparently took after him. She wasn’t sure she could accommodate its girth during the delivery.
She had done everything the women told her. Walked to make the labor speed up. Squatted to have the baby praying the old Indian woman would catch it before it landed on its head. Gray Wolf who she hadn’t wanted at all to share this experience insisted on staying with her throughout the entire process. Even now during the humiliating part where she was the most vulnerable with the child’s head protruding halfway out of her private parts.
“Push once more.” he urged repeating his Aunt’s words. She had suffered so much. He longed to take the pain as his own to give her relief. At last a small squirming purple baby plopped into his Aunt’s practiced hands. Satisfied she nodded for the young woman to be laid down to await the afterbirth. She massaged the baby’s back. It sputtered and then wailed loudly. It was a boy.
Even under the reddish tinge of blood she could see he had hair the color of the sun. He wasn’t the giant that the ancient squaw had predicted.
Xzan cried out in pure joy weeping new tears of happiness as she reached for her son. She lay propped up against Gray Wolf who looked a little green around the gills. Her arms were stretched out to receive her son when another wave of pain began and she looked so startled Gray Wolf turned white as a ghost instantly gripping her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”
Xzan began panting in labor as the second wave of pains began. Gray Wolf who had never seen a birth still in shock from the miracle he had just witnessed yelped in pain as she pinched his arm. Eyes enormous with fear and pain unable to do anything except breathe through the contraction she pleaded silently for him to help her up once more.
Shining Face barely caught the second child it came so fast. She had shoved the boy into her surprised daughter’s hands while rushing to cushion the little girl who made her debut crying her head off before she was even completely born. Xzan pushed once and the rest of her tiny body slid out.
Mother and Aunt looked at each other in awe. Shining Face handed Gray Wolf the tiny baby who was small enough to just fit in his big hands. He looked totally bewildered by the wiggling baby and fell instantly in love with her as she blinked bright violet-blue eyes at him.
Holding her as carefully as if she were made of glass he and Doe Eyes who wa
s holding the other baby equally smitten smiled at each other while his Aunt nervously awaited the arrival of the afterbirth for the second time.
Doe Eyes cleaned the newborns. She wrapped both in soft deerskins to keep them warm and then placed one on each side of their mother. Singling Heart smiled radiantly depleted but so blissful. She cooed at her offspring overwhelmed by a fierce love. She thanked them all weakly in their own language which surprised both of the Indian women. They hadn’t realized she had learned their language.
Doe Eyes returned the smile shyly. Unlike a lot of the squaws in her tribe who would never accept a white woman among them except in slavery she was fascinated with her cousin’s woman. If not for being shunned herself she would have reached out in friendship to know her better.
The women left after making sure Xzan was doing well. Giving Gray Wolf explicit directions on how to care for her and the infants until Xzan regained her strength. Then as was their custom they took the afterbirth to be buried. It was wrapped then placed deep into the ground where no animal would bother it. They believed it protected the health of the newborn.
Jaskarra gazed in wonder at the two blonde babies. He longed with all his heart that it could have been his seed that she had born. He pitied the man who had driven away his family and would never even know what he had lost. He brushed a strand of dark hair away from Xzan’s cheek, tenderly caressing it, sharing the moment the only way he could.
“What will you name them?”
She was too exhausted to think. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll wait like your people do until I see their personalities.”
His lips curled upward. They would have an Indian name. He already knew what he wanted to call them, but he would wait until she gave them a white name to make the suggestion.
Xzan closed her eyes dozing still holding both of her children possessively. If she was sad because her man wasn’t there she bravely kept it to herself gratefully accepting Gray Wolf’s presence instead.
*****
Gray Wolf reclined lazily against the bark of the tree brown lids shuttered against the bright sun. He watched Singing Heart laughing, splashing happily with her babies as she bathed them. They were both chubby and healthy from their mother’s milk. She had recovered from their birth with only the slightest traces of white lines on the sides of her hips. Her waistline was as tiny as ever. In fact she had lost weight appearing even more slender than before because her children kept her in constant motion.
Her breast were swollen with milk. Ripe melons he longed to foster envying the greedy twins their access anytime they hungered. Xzan was an adoring mother. Each day brought new joy as she nurtured her children watching them grow fascinated with their learning ability.
In truth they were remarkable. So quick to grasp it astounded him. He’s never been around babies. The ones he’d observed at a distance didn’t seem to do anything except eat and sleep the first year of life. At six months Little Bear and Raining Dawn, Sean Jr. and Rebecca as she had named them could swim with their mother like fish. They walked with something to hold on to and could each say a few key words. They called him ‘Wuff’. He didn’t mind knowing it was the best they could do secretly thrilled that they seemed to idolize him as much as he doted on them.
She rose naked. Like a goddess from the seas. Her hair as a black shining waterfall cascading down her elegant back. Creamy white breast heavy and tilted upward were crimson from being constantly suckled. Gray Wolf groaned inwardly wishing she wasn’t holding both babies on her hips. It was too tempting to take advantage of the fact that she had her hands full. He ached to run his tongue all over her body to make her aware of the incredible torture he was enduring day after day.
Xzan treated him with the respect of being the man in their lives that they depended on. As well as with reverence for his station among his people. She was ever indebted to him for his friendship and as tender to him as with her own children. She was however oblivious to the fact that he was a man. His own fault.
There had been times during her pregnancy when he had caught a certain wistful look in her eyes as she gazed at him. She hadn’t looked away when he boldly assessed her in return. He was the one that backed off. It wasn’t right for him to touch her while she was carrying another man’s child inside of her.
As the months had passed her children had been the bain of her existence. She hadn’t mentioned leaving since their birth. Gray Wolf knew she was happier than she had ever been. Reluctant to spoil that peaceful existence by making changes that could endanger their lives and add hardships. Traveling to England with two babies could be the most perilous journey of her life.
Gray Wolf didn’t want her to leave. He knew that for the same reason he had to send her away before he must for her sake send her away now. Especially now. Her children added to her vulnerability. His people were at war with the whites. It was getting harder for him to keep them at bay over the white woman and her newly propagated white children.
Helping her dress the infants he turned his eyes away as she donned her own garment. They wore the garb of his people. Xzan was as exquisite as any Indian princess dressed in white deerskin embroidered with tiny bead that had been stained by berries. Since the birth of her children she had taken to wearing her hair in long braids like the women of his village. It helped keep Jr. and Becky as she called them from pulling her hair out in tufts.
Gray Wolf carried the little girl. She his favorite of the two. Maybe because she had her mother’s eyes and she had never taken them off of him any time he was near her since birth. She stared at him with total adoration as if he were her entire universe. Xzan thought it was cute. Gray Wolf was totally smitten with the wee baby that loved him at first sight. Little Bear had eyes the color of leaves with strange red specks in them. Xzan called the color hazel. He was a sweet little boy, but maybe a bit too spoiled by his mother for Jaskarra’s taste.
He would be a weak man if he wasn’t taught to be strong, by a man. Without a real father it would be difficult. He tried to be patient with the child, knowing that a lot could change in his lifetime. Saddened by the knowledge that he could never be the father that he longed to be to both of her children. He sat in the grass playing with them while she made corn cakes for dinner.
It was August. The days were hot while the nights were getting cooler. The evening breeze felt refreshing. As much as she loved her children she was tired. They had worn her out. Since she’s begun feeding them real food they had thankfully stopped waking her in the middle of the night demanding to be nursed. Both had a tooth the allowed them to eat solids now, and they gummed the rest with powerful little jaws.
It had been a very demanding today. They would go to sleep soon. She had them on a routine schedule. They knew when the day was done. She bathed them in the stream, made dinner, fed them, nursed them while crooning lullabies rocking each one to sleep. Then gently she tucked them in to bed on the buffalo pelts that Jaskarra had proudly presented her for each one.
The babies might not look like identical twins nevertheless when they slept pressed together the way they had been in the womb there was no mistaking how closely they were bonded.
Jaskarra rose hurriedly heading out of the teepee. Seeing her nurse had been too much for him. The frustration he felt that had been burning in his loins for almost a year since her arrival had to be quenched.
“Jaskarra” she had called softly trying not to wake the sleeping baby in her arms.
He turned around impatiently a thick black eyebrow arched inquiringly. Xzan looked up at him appealingly. She could feel his tension. Like the twins they too had a bond. Like him she had needs of her own. Raising her hand she beckoned him to come to her. He stood rooted to the spot indecisively.
“Please.” she whispered as she lay her daughter down carefully and covered her tiny form.
Gray Wolf yanked her non-gently to her feet pulling her outside the teepee. He gripped her shoulders fiercely forcing her to look into his eyes and s
ee the anguish.
“Don’t tempt me.” he ordered between gritted teeth.
“I want you.” she declared unashamedly reaching up to draw his head down.
Pushing her away Gray Wolf marched with his back to her towards his original destination.
Knowing the children were sound asleep wouldn’t wake until morning Xzan fastened the mat across the opening to protect them from wild animals and followed him determinedly.
Jaskarra plunged into the icy creek swimming furiously like a man possessed. Xzan stripped hurriedly and dove into the water floating towards him. Letting him blow off steam. When she drifted in his direction he didn’t say a word just glaring at her with intense yearning his hands clenched to his sides.
He was standing in the water up to his broad shoulders. She wrapped her arms around his neck intimately close to him grazing his chest with her nipples provocatively. Her lips traced the outline of his nose sliding sensually to his unresisting mouth. He stood as if made of granite. Like a statue. Showing no sign of emotion.
He refused to respond even when she kissed him nibbling his lower lip. Taking a deep breath she dove under water holding on to his arms for balance. His dark nipples were erect with desire. She pulled them teasingly with her lips before diving even deeper and taking him into her mouth. Jaskarra convulsed in shock his manhood reacting dramatically. Xzan felt his fingers twine in her hair pulling her back to the surface. She emerged gasping for air. His lips crushed hers impatiently. She wrapped her legs around his waist guiding him inside as he moaned in surrender.
He moved in a rhythm all his own. Drawing her along with him. It had been a long time she assumed since he made love so she expected it to end fast. She hoped there would be a second more leisurely time. He wasn’t in a hurry. Walking slowly towards the embankment Jaskarra held her as if she weighed nothing as the water pressure diminished and gravity pulled her weight against him. Never withdrawing he laid her down cradling her small form in his hands to protect her from the rocks. He slid in and out of her murmuring in his own language. All of the things he had longed to express over the years since he’d forced her out of his life.
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