by Zoey Parker
Lucian just sobbed harder and buried his face into Kira’s shirt, gripping hard at her neck.
“Is everything okay?” Brent asked. Kira almost jumped, her nerves all on edge after Lucian’s howling scream. She turned around slowly to face her boss and nodded to him.
“I think so,” she replied, petting over the back of Lucian’s head. “Did you have a bad dream, baby?” she asked softly. She rubbed Lucian’s back to soothe away the tension in his little spine.
Lucian nodded and sniffled, keeping his face buried in Kira’s chest.
“It’s okay now, darling,” Kira said. “You’re safe. Everything’s fine. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real.”
Lucian choked out another sob but otherwise didn’t make any noise in response. Kira’s skin prickled with worry. Her son was usually so talkative and animated. In the past, whenever he had a bad dream, he’d tell her about it in extreme detail, asking her if any part of it was real. Why was he not jumping into a long-winded explanation now? And did it have anything to do with the bruises she’d noticed earlier?
“What’s going on?” a small voice asked. Kira turned back to the hallway again and saw that Dylan got gotten up and was now standing next to his father, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Nothing, honey. Go back to bed,” Kira said. She hugged Lucian closer when he gripped her neck even harder than before, his little nails digging into her skin painfully.
Dylan frowned, his brows furrowed together as he looked to his dad for an explanation. Brent just sighed and put his hand on the top of Dylan’s head. It was the first time Kira had ever seen Brent touch Dylan, at least in a semi-affectionate way. “Go on back to bed, Dylan,” Brent said. “We can see Lucian some more tomorrow.”
Dylan hesitated, his gaze flipping between Brent’s face and Kira’s a few times before he finally nodded and turned back around. He paused again at the door to his bedroom and waved a little at Kira before he disappeared back into his bedroom.
“Why don’t you tell me what you dreamed about, sweetheart?” Kira whispered into Lucian’s ear again. She shifted her weight from one foot to another as the weight of her son in her arms became more difficult to bear.
Lucian didn’t respond, staying perfectly still in her arms, like a sack of rocks.
Out of nowhere, Brent spoke again, his voice softer and sweeter as he addressed Lucian. “Hey, buddy. Are you hungry? Why don’t we go downstairs and have a sandwich? I know when I have a bad dream, a quick snack can help me forget about it faster.”
Lucian was still for another long moment before he finally nodded his head, keeping his face pressed into Kira’s shirt. Kira looked up at Brent again, surprised that he hadn’t gone back to his bedroom by now, but when Brent nodded and gestured for her to follow him downstairs, she complied. She kept a safe distance, though, of at least a couple feet from Brent until they made it back into the kitchen.
“What kind of sandwich do you want? I have just about everything here,” Brent said, presumably addressing Lucian but looking straight into Kira’s eyes.
“He likes peanut butter on wheat bread,” Kira said. “Isn’t that right, baby?”
Lucian nodded slowly. Brent set about making a plain peanut butter sandwich. Kira was practically transfixed, watching as Brent’s wide, broad hands worked slowly and methodically at making the perfect sandwich for Lucian. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Brent’s long, thick fingers, the same ones that wrapped around her neck just twenty-four hours earlier.
When he was done making the sandwich, he gestured for Kira and Lucian to follow him into the dining room. He set the plate down on the table before taking a seat. Kira had a feeling that Lucian wasn’t ready to be put down yet, so she settled on the seat and held Lucian in her lap as he reached out for his midnight snack. “Do you want to tell me what you had a nightmare about, honey?” she asked softly. She brushed some of the hair back from Lucian’s forehead as he leaned over to bite into his sandwich.
Kira’s son just shook his head and chewed, completely disregarding the question. Kira felt frustrated and a little annoyed, but she promised herself she wouldn’t show it, instead giving a comforting backrub to her son as he continued to eat.
“What do you have nightmares about?” Lucian asked when he was halfway through his sandwich. It took Kira a moment to realize it, but he was talking to Brent, not her.
“Uh, what?” Brent asked.
“You said you have nightmares, too, sometimes,” Lucian explained. “What scares you, Mr. Barkley?”
Kira inhaled deeply, preparing herself for Brent’s inevitably caustic, vague response. He didn’t let anyone get close to him, not even his own son. Why would he answer Lucian’s innocent question?
But instead, Brent smiled. The expression looked oddly out of place on his face, like he was molded only for misery. “A lot of different things scare me,” he admitted, tapping his fingers on the table in front of him.
“Like what?” Lucian asked with his mouth full.
“Oh, lots of stuff,” Brent replied. “Sometimes I have dreams about big storm clouds closing in on my house. Or other times I have nightmares that I’m stuck in a dark room and I can’t find a way out of it. Stuff like that.”
“Sounds scary,” Lucian commented. He brushed his hands over his plate to get the crumbs off his fingers. He turned around in Kira’s lap to face her and said, “Mommy?”
“Yes, sweetheart?” Kira said. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around her son even as he wriggled a little bit on her lap.
“I’m tired. Can I go back to bed?”
“Of course,” Kira answered. She got to her feet carefully so as not to drop Lucian on the ground. “Do you want Mommy to lie down with you for a while?” Usually, Lucian wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep after a nightmare unless he was cuddled up with Kira. She knew it was a habit he’d have to break eventually, but not tonight.
“No, I’m okay,” Lucian said. His response surprised her so much she stopped in her tracks for a second to make sure she heard her son correctly. “I’m so sleepy…”
“Okay, honey, I’ll take you back to bed,” Kira said. She hitched Lucian higher up in her arms as she left the dining room and walked back to the staircase.
“Can Mr. Barkley come with us?” Lucian asked, reaching out beyond Kira’s shoulder to gesture towards Brent, who had followed them from the dining room to the main entrance area.
“Um…” Kira wasn’t sure what to say. She turned to look at Brent to see if he was put off by the mere suggestion of spending more time with his live-in help.
“Sure I will,” Brent said. He walked faster to catch up with them and head up the stairs.
“I—thank you,” Kira stuttered out. Her face burned a little as Brent led the way back towards Lucian’s room. Why was Brent being so nice? He hadn’t even reacted this way when his own son had a bad nightmare a few weeks before. What was it about Lucian that suddenly made Brent act like a decent human being? More than decent, Kira realized. Not even Larry would stay up with me to talk Lucian down after his nightmares, and he’s my son’s father. Why in the world is Brent being this way?
Kira finally dropped Lucian back down on his bed and gathered the blankets around him to protect him from the cold. “Sweet dreams,” she said as she pecked Lucian on the cheek.
“Can I have a kiss from Mr. Barkley?” Lucian whispered, as if he was afraid to ask the question.
Okay, that was probably going too far, Kira guessed. “No, honey, just go to sl--” she started to say to her son, but before she could say anything else, Brent appeared at the side of the bed and leaned over her to get to Lucian.
“Goodnight, champ,” Brent said. He pecked Lucian’s forehead lightly and then walked out of the room.
Kira’s jaw dropped open as she watched Brent walk toward the door, but when Brent turned around and made eye contact with her, she tore her gaze away from him, refocusing her attention on her child. “Goodnight, darling,” s
he whispered as sweetly and reassuringly as she could. “We’ll talk in the morning, all right?”
“Goodnight, Mommy. Don’t let any monsters get you,” Lucian said. He yawned widely as his eyes slid shut.
As soon as she was fairly confident that Lucian was asleep, Kira got to her feet, turned the lights off, and closed the bedroom door behind her. Out in the hallway, she sagged against the wall and buried her face in her hands as the events of the day caught up with her. She felt utterly wrung-out, like every drop of energy in her body had been drained away.
“He’ll be okay.” Kira dropped her hands from her face to make sure that she’d heard correctly. Brent was standing across from her now, chewing on his bottom lip and crossing and uncrossing his arms every few seconds like he couldn’t get comfortable. “He seems to be all right, anyway.”
“I don’t know,” Kira admitted. She signed deeply and peeled herself off the wall. She walked further away from her son’s room just in case he was still awake and happened to be listening. “Can I get your opinion on something?” she asked Brent. He followed her down to the opposite end of the hallway, safely away from both Lucian’s and Dylan’s bedrooms.
“Sure,” Brent said.
“I’m not sure how to say this,” Kira admitted. If she had any energy left inside her, she would have felt embarrassed to talk about this with Brent, afraid that he’d think it was inappropriate, especially given their previous lapse in professionalism. But for now, other demands outweighed her bashfulness. She needed advice, and unfortunately there wasn’t really anybody else she could turn to at the moment. “Lucian came home with weird bruises on his body.”
Brent’s brow immediately furrowed. His eyes narrowed as he listened to Kira’s words. “Big or small?”
“Big,” Kira said. “And I don’t know how they got there. Lucian said he fell or bumped into something or just had some kind of normal accident while he was running around, but…”
“But you think something else might have happened,” Brent suggested, stating it matter-of-factly rather than phrasing it as a question.
“Right,” Kira replied. “Like…I don’t know. I’m just being paranoid and freaking out about things. It’s probably nothing.”
“Not necessarily,” Brent said. They came to a stop in front of his bedroom. Kira fidgeted with her hands for a moment, feeling awkward and unsure of what to do until Brent gestured for her to follow him into his room. “Come on, let’s talk in here.”
Kira did as she was instructed, going over and sitting down next to Brent on his bed. The heavy sensation of dread hung over her chest, making her feel like her breath wasn’t able to get inside her lungs. What could have happened to Lucian? Kira wondered. She picked anxiously at her fingernails, tearing up the sides of her cuticles painfully. Where did those bruises come from? Could…someone have hurt him?
“I don’t know what to do,” Kira confessed, thinking out loud. “I really don’t know.”
“About the bruises?” Brent asked.
Kira nodded, still not looking directly at Brent. “I don’t know what they mean. I mean, I don’t want to freak out over nothing, you know? Larry…he’s a shitty guy, but he loves his son. He wanted partial custody of him when we broke up. I don’t think he would hurt him.”
“But…?” Brent prompted her.
“But I don’t know for sure,” Kira said. She blew out her breath in frustration. “I don’t want to accuse him of something. I mean, we already don’t get along. I got into a fight with him today in front Lucian…and Dylan, too, by the way. Sorry about that. I know it’s very unprofessional and wrong and I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s okay,” Brent said. “Trust me, I’m sure Dylan has seen a lot worse.”
Kira smiled sadly, then finally turned to look at her boss. “Weirdly, that doesn’t make me feel better.”
“Sorry,” Brent said. He returned her humorless smile, which looked more like a grimace on his face. “But I guess there’s probably not a whole lot anyone can do right not to make you feel better, huh?”
Kira nodded. She swallowed hard around the bile that was creeping up her throat as she pictured the bruises on Lucian’s skin. “Yeah. I guess I just have to let myself feel this way. Terrified and fucking useless.”
“You’re not useless,” Brent said, his tone weirdly defensive, as if she’d just personally offended him. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not?” Kira asked, shrugging at Brent. “It’s the truth. I can’t even get my son to tell me what’s going on. He’s five years old, and he’s already learning how to lie to me.”
“Men learn to lie to the women in their lives at a young age. I wouldn’t worry about it” Brent said, offering another smile, a little brighter this time. “Anyway, all you can do right now is exactly what you’re doing. Paying attention. Asking Lucian to tell you if something is wrong. Being concerned. It just means you’re a good mom.”
Kira scoffed and rubbed her own arms against the chill of the room. “Yeah, right. I can’t even afford a good place to stay. Whenever you’re done with Dylan, we’ll be back living in some cramped shithole. Lucian’s going to grow up hating me, and he won’t be wrong to feel that way.”
“Hey, stop it,” Brent said. He shuffled closer to her on the bed until they were almost touching. “Don’t talk like that.”
“I’m just being honest with myself,” Kira said. She sighed deeply again, feeling a heavy weight of despair on her heart. Either something was happening to her son, or she was freaking out over nothing. Either way, she wasn’t acting the way a mother should act. A real mother protects her children no matter what, Kira thought. A real mother has things under control. Why can’t I just be strong for Lucian? Why does everything have to be a goddamn mess?
“Beating yourself up right now isn’t going to accomplish anything,” Brent argued. “Look, you tried to get him to talk to you. That’s all you can really do right now. So try not to think about it.”
Kira sighed and rocked her head back, rolling her shoulders one way and then another in an attempt to get at least some of the tension out of her pent-up muscles. “I don’t think that’s an option right now,” she said, laughing bitterly at herself.
Brent was quiet for a long moment. Out of the corner of Kira’s eye, she could see that he was frowning, his usually blank and expressionless face wrinkled with frustration. “How can I help?” he finally asked in a low, soft voice, barely audible even in the silence of the room.
Kira was caught off-guard. For a long time she couldn’t come up anything to say. Finally, after several long silent moments, she cleared her throat and said honestly, “I don’t think you can. Thank you, though.” She paused for a moment then said what was on her mind. “You know, you really surprised me tonight. I thought you hated kids.”
Brent seemed to flinch a little, like she’d crossed a boundary by saying that. Oh, well. She couldn’t exactly take it back now. “I don’t…hate kids,” Brent said haltingly. “I just don’t know how to be…” He let his sentence trail off, sighing to himself and staring down at his own lap.
“I’m sorry,” Kira said. She turned to face Brent and scooted a little bit closer until their legs were touching slightly. “I didn’t mean it as an insult. It’s just that you don’t seem like you want to be around Dylan very much.”
“I guess that’s fair,” Brent said. He nodded to himself and then turned to meet Kira’s eyes again. “I mean, look. I only met him a couple weeks ago, like two days before I met you. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. Nobody ever trained me for this.”
Kira let Brent’s words hang in the air around them for a long moment before responding. But eventually she murmured, “That’s kind of how I felt when I first had Lucian.”
“Oh, yeah?” Brent asked. He shifted around on the bed to fully face Kira.
“Yeah,” Kira admitted. She still felt a slight burn of shame climb up her back as she thought about how she felt in the we
eks after Lucian’s birth. “During the pregnancy, I thought I would have Larry’s help, you know. He wanted a baby. I thought everything was going to be okay. But when he actually got here…” Kira’s words broke off, and she shook her head at herself, still disappointed in her heart for ever loving someone as weak and cowardly as Larry. “He didn’t help me at all. I was all by myself, and I wasn’t ready for that.”
“So what did you do?” Brent asked. His face remained calm, but his voice betrayed some sense of urgency, like he desperately needed to know the answer.
“I waited,” Kira said, thinking back on those long hours where she stared down at Lucian, praying for the strength to take care of him. “In some ways I’m still waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” Brent asked.
“To feel ready,” Kira said. “To feel like I’m not a total fuck-up ruining my child’s life. I still don’t know if that’s true or not.”