I climbed in next to him and lay cuddling and shushing him back to sleep letting him know I wasn't going anywhere. As I lay there listening to Thomas's breathing I tried so hard to sleep, tried so hard for my mind to rest but I couldn't it was racing with a thousand different thoughts from; what if I had just got there earlier to; would anymore sinkholes open up. What the fuck was I going to do? Where were Susanne and Eric? I'd left them a message on the way home from the hospital to call me but hadn't heard anything from them. How was I going to tell them that their boy was no longer here? I couldn't do it over the telephone. With all these thoughts and emotions going on I knew if I just left them all there floating about in my head I was going to explode. Thomas was going to need me over the next few days more than ever.
The thought occurred to me that maybe I could lock all these thoughts away much like I had when mum and dad died, I tried to visualize a safe in my mind, like the ones you would get at a high-security vault with super tight locks that nobody can get into. When I had a clear picture of it I started to shove all my thoughts and feelings away until nothing was left. Only to be opened, if ever, when I could handle such things. I left Susanne and Eric until last knowing I would have to pull this out the safe when they got here, feeling a bit silly at what I was doing but having to try something for Thomas's sake I had to find a way of being strong for him. I concentrated on locking the safe full of different locks, combinations, and keys then threw them away. When I was finished I tried to get some rest I knew I wouldn't sleep but I still closed my eyes and tried all the same. When I did sleep, I dreamt of Ryan, of him falling and calling for me but I couldn't get to him in time.
I woke up to the 6:30 am morning alarm, I had forgotten to turn it to weekend mode. I quickly turned it off before the noise woke Thomas.
Thomas, I looked down at my handsome little boy asleep next to me and the nightmare that I hadn't woken up from, hit me, I remembered with a great stabbing pain to my heart that Ryan was gone.
I sat up feeling like I couldn’t breathe, I would never wake up to him again, I would never see him smile again or hear him laugh or even shout for that matter not that he hardly ever did, there would be no more cheeky slaps on the bum, no more morning showers together, no more anything’s. Yesterday had been our last and I hadn’t known it. If I had, I would have savoured everything, every kiss, every word, every touch but I didn't. I wanted to lay here in this spot forever I reasoned if I didn't get up, I didn't have to deal with it but looking down at yesterday clothes covered in blood and dirt, I couldn't stay like this. For Thomas`s sake, I had to at least look like I was holding it together.
Pulling the covers back slightly so I could slip out gently I accidentally woke Bert up, he had laid with us all night, he gave a small whine and then sort of army crawled onto my lap. I gave him a scratch behind the ears and a stroke, when he slobbered all over my arm, adding his saliva to the dirt from yesterday I had no other option than go take a shower.
“Come on boy want to go for a wee and have some breakfast?” I whispered.
At the word breakfast, he gently jumped down and came trotting after me.
Walking downstairs I felt empty like I had a big void inside me and it was projecting onto everything. The house felt empty, my steps felt heavy and I wondered if I really had the strength to cope with losing Ryan, the death of my parents had been hard but it was something I had come to expect given their lifestyle. Ryan's death had come from nowhere.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I would try to concentrate on the mundane things, take one step at a time. So, I fed the dog and left him in the garden while I went to have a shower. I turned the water to hot, really hot. I like cooler showers normally but today I just wanted the heat I don't know why. Well, I did I just didn't want to think about it. Ryan loved hot showers he often said that mine were wimpy with not enough heat, when I would get in with him in his shower I would do a little in-out dance trying to get my body used to the scolding water spaying down.
I stripped out my dirty clothes and waited until the shower was steaming. I stepped in no little in-out dance needed. I guessed either it wasn't that hot or my body was so numbed I just didn't feel it. I thought it was probably the latter. I was doing ok I really was until I looked down and saw Ryan’s shower gel on the floor. My legs went to jelly and before gravity could pull me tumbling, I slid down the wall and cradled the bottle in my arms, breathing in the smell trying to lock it to memory and just let the water wash over me, the tears I had been holding in came pouring out, I wanted to scream and punch and let it all out but with Thomas asleep down the hall I didn’t want him to hear me and had to just be content with letting my tears fall and scream silently.
After a while I became mesmerized with the water, the blood and dirt mixing together then, going down the drain. I don't know how long I sat there like that starring, crying, feeling totally lost and empty. I replayed the day over and over again trying to see if I had done any one thing different would Ryan still be here. The memory of the old nurse lady popped into my head, she was opening the door on my toes there was something about her I couldn't put my finger on but it was the memory of the skin being ripped off my toes by the bottom of the door that grabbed my attention. I looked down at my feet, my toes didn't hurt at all. I grab the sponge and washed the remaining bit of blood off to inspect them properly, they looked fine, perfect even, what was going on? I checked my other foot in case it was the wrong one I was looking at or something, even though the other foot had no blood and was perfectly fine I looked back at my right foot, looked under it, in between my toes, no sign of any damage, no cuts, not even a little bit pink. I had seen the skin rip off the top of my toes myself had washed the blood off seconds ago, but there was no evidence of ever cutting them.
I then remembered I was supposed to have a cut on my head I hadn't felt anything when I had woken up from the hospital and had been too focused about Thomas to worry about it. I tried feeling for anything, after searching around my head I found something hard, glue I suppose in two places but it didn't hurt at all. I even tried pulling a bit of hair around the glue and it was a bit uncomfortable with the hair that was attached to it but it was nothing really, nothing compared to how sore the doctor had told Pete I would be.
There was becoming a bit of a list of things going on with me. First with Barry now this but it all paled in comparison to Ryan so I shoved the strange oddities going on with me into my safe box along with everything else.
I got out the shower and my worry switched to Susanne and Eric, how was I going to tell them. As if my thoughts had conjured it I heard something vibrating and realised it was my phone on the bedside cabinet, I ran from the bathroom to grab it off the table but had just missed the call, it was Susanne. Making my way downstairs so not to wake Thomas I called her number back and waited until she answered.
“Hi, Susanne.”
“Where's Ryan? I have been trying to reach him since last night his mobile is going straight through to his voice mail, I got the message the school left me saying you had been taken to the hospital and they had let Thomas home with one of Ryan's work colleges. What's going on Sadie is everything ok. I thought Ryan would have called to let me know or at least turned his phone back on this morning, does he not have to be leaving for work shortly?”
I ignored her questions, all of them lead to me telling her about Ryan and I didn't want to do that over the phone “Um Susanne are you close? Could you please come here I really need to talk?”
“No, we`re not bloody close. We're stuck in Cambridge about an hour away from London. We're at a hotel. Bloody Eric and him wanting to drive I knew we should have flown, we heard that a sinkhole has open up on the m25 and it is coursing all sorts of havoc, we're be lucky if get home today so whatever it is you have to say could you just spit it out. Oh god you're not pregnant, are you?”
Susanne was clearly pissed off with her situation “No Susanne I'm not but this is not a conversion I want to have over the phon
e.”
“Oh, for pity sake Sadie just tell me or put my boy on the phone I wish to speak to him.”
I didn’t know what to do should I tell her? As much I didn’t want to say over the phone I would want to know if something happened to my baby. If I didn’t tell her she would ask where he was again and then how far did I go? Do I tell her he’s at work and left his phone at home? No, I couldn’t do that. I tried to say it as gently as I could but this was the worst thing I could tell her.
“Susanne I'm so sorry but a sinkhole has opened up here too, right at the back of the community centre, Ryan was there when it happened and fell through.” I couldn't say anymore all I could hear was Susanne screaming repeating “No! No! No!” over and over again “that this couldn't be happening, that she refused to believe it.” I knew how she felt I had thought the very same thing.
“I'm so sorry Susanne Ryan`s gone.”
The phone went dead at that point. I stood there trying to decide if I should call her back but I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. In the end I tried ringing back to check she was ok` but it just kept ringing. I felt completely drained, I found myself letting the dog back in and going back to bed. Maybe staying in bed today snuggled up with Thomas and Bert wasn't such a bad idea.
Chapter 4:
The next few days went by in a blur, The feelings of sadness and loss I had wanted to lock away in the safe, in my mind had been trapped, locked away and I had thrown the key away for good measure, but as much as I wanted to lock those feelings away I couldn’t stop the anger and hatred from leaking out. I hadn't known how much anger I could feel, I didn't know if it had always been inside me or if I had just woken up and it was suddenly there but it was like I was drowning in it. Anger was coursing through every cell of my body and I couldn't get a hold of it, didn't know what it wanted to be directed at. It’s not like I had anybody to blame no one was at fault, it was a hole for fuck sake! A great big giant fucking hole! I had only the earth to be angry at, to hate.
I could understand the anger but where had the hatred come from? I hated myself, everybody around me and generally the world, if I didn't have Thomas and Bert here I dread to think what I would have done, I had no real friends I could talk to. No one to blame there but myself. I was such a little hermit, I had lived here now for years and I still only knew a handful of people, they were people like the man Fred who owned our local Conner shop or Sally our post lady, a couple of mums at the school, there was Georgie and Anna the two girls who worked in my part of the office, but I hardly spoke to them anymore since I only had to be in the office for 2 or 3 days of the week and I could work the rest at home.
Because of Ryan status in the community, I had lots of visitors offering condolences, people bringing me flowers and cards, making me food. It was lovely really but I hated every minute of it. I loathed myself for feeling this way but every time somebody called or knocked at the house I wanted to run and hide, I wanted to scream at them to go away, to fuck off and leave me alone, I knew I was wrong to feel this way, with everything that was going on and all, people were still finding time to come and console me, these people loved Ryan too, that just because I had shut myself away and not been a social butterfly, I needed to remember my Ryan was.
He tried every day to make this a better community, said hello and made real conversations with people, asked how their day had been, how their kids were or how their holiday had been and they had responded with the same. He was a pillar of the community, he attended council meetings, played in the local darts team, took Thomas to the parties he was invited to from friends from school. Even when Thomas had friends from school over to our house, I would run around, I would play and be silly, cook them dinner, chat away with them about how their day had been at school, but when it came to home time most of the time it was Ryan who would take them home or take them out to the mum or dad who had collected them, to that everybody knew me of course, but I was a loner never saying more than a few words to anybody if possible.
If I was asked how I was or the likes of, I would just give a quick nod of the head and mutter “we`re good thanks” or something along those lines, anything that was short and allowed me to quickly carry on my way. I had even taken to getting my phone out if I saw people and pretended to be doing something really important, it made me feel terrible when those same people now stopped by and I had no idea of most of their names.
What type of person was I?
I was quickly realising that I might not have been horrible to people but I was hard and cold and certainly hadn't let many people in. I think losing both of my parents had made me more closed off than I realised, had made it so hard to trust, to let them break my walls downs. I'd always thought I had enough with just Ryan, Thomas, and Sol. I didn't need anybody else, I just figured friends were too much like family they offered up too much drama. I dealt with enough gossip and drama in the office and that was enough. It was part of the reason why I'd rigorously nagged Barry to let me work part-time at home.
I'd finally sold it to him that he could use my office space for a part assistant for himself. He had loved the idea. Pretty little blond running around 3 times a week pandering to all his needs.
Friend had seemed like too much hard work, but right now I could do with a friend. I had spoken with Sol briefly and told him what had happened and he vowed to get flight back from New York but was having a hell of a time. The U.S.A hadn’t escaped mother nature.
What was happening around the world?
Was this really the end?
I`d seen bits of it on the news when Thomas was busy. There had been another earthquake in America just off the coast of Hawaii with fears California was to be next, a hurricane was battering the all along the coast of Florida leaving destruction in its path and had annihilated parts of the Bahamas, Cuba, and Haiti. More and more sinkholes had opened up all around the world and with very little understanding of what was causing it. It had people panicking and governments trying to calm those people down from mass hysteria, scientists were running around with their head stuck up their arse`s, one profession giving one answer, another giving a totally different opinion. Regions all around the world were saying the end had come and we would all die a painful death, while others said we just had to hold on to hope and prayer it was a test, and only those with faith would prevail. I didn't know nor care for that matter. At first, I sat watching it all completely detached feeling nothing and everything at the same time.
Susanne and Eric had called they were still stuck in Cambridge there was no way past. The sink hole on the M25 that had opened up, even more, it had cracked both east and west making a complete divide between the south of England and the rest of the country, Susanne wanted to go back to Scotland or at least see if they could get a flight to London from Liverpool or something, anything, but Eric was having none of it he had said they were in a perfectly good hotel and should wait a few days, come up with the best plan, if they rushed they would get stuck with everybody else trying to get about.
Susanne was frantic she wanted to know what was going to happen with the funeral what had I done to organise it, I had said I would wait for them. After all, there was no body to bury, there was no evidence he had really left this planet he was gone just gone.
A funeral would change that, a funeral would mean saying goodbye, it would mean Ryan was really dead. A funeral would make it real, and even though I knew it was beyond hope a tiny piece of me had clung to the idea this was one big nightmare and I would wake up and Ryan would be here, all would be fine, back to normal. No, a funeral would change that, that was something I could wait to do.
After four days, things were getting bad, thousands of people had started dying from an unknown source, causing more panic in the world. Susanne and Eric were still stuck north of the divide. Seven more sink holes had sprung up across the country that was 24 across the South of England and 17 North of the divide ranging in size from a basketball to the biggest one
splitting the country in two. (I had taken to calling it: The Divide I know not clever at all.) It wasn't the whole hole, dividing the country but that a crack seemed to stem from both the east and west side of it, there was a route through but due to the size and shape of the crack stemming off each way the army had said only emergency, food and gas vehicles could pass no domestic travel was to be permitted adding more bedlam. With the news channels only having so much information for the last day or so they kept going over stories of tragedies, of victim's who had been swallowed up or whole families that had died due to the unknown sickness spreading. My anger finally got the better of me and I lost my temper and very nearly went into full breakdown mode, after going into the back garden and screaming till my lungs were sore I found the cable for the sky and ripped it out the wall and out the back of the telly I grabbed the skybox and proceeded to dig out one of Ryan's hammers and smashed it to pieces along with my mobile and house phone severing all contact with the outside world. I then shut the curtains and pretended it was only us. I stopped answering the door to the people wanting to give their condolences and I hadn't left my house, hadn't spoken to other soul apart from Thomas and Bert. I had sat there wallowing in my own shit. I had tried to look like I was holding things together for Thomas we watched movies, played games, done puzzles but when Thomas had gone to bed at night and I was left on my own, it was too quiet, sadness would sneak in and strike through my heart like a dagger, I wanted to cry but holding those tears back was like that was my glue holding me together, that if I so much as let one more set of tears out, my body would collapse and I would fall to pieces. I couldn't do that to Thomas, So I had been focusing on my anger and hatred of the world instead.
Nearly a week after losing Ryan I had woken to yet another night of nightmares and weird dreams, nothing I could really remember only, it left me with a feeling like the anger I’d built up during the day had a place to go and like I should be doing something about all this.
The Fifth: Darkness series Page 5