by Claire Adams
“We have powdered sugar,” Gina said, pointing at the corner cabinet.
I opened it and retrieved the can of sugar.
“Jess always sprinkles my French toast with sugar. It’s mmm-mmm-mmm!” Gina rubbed her belly for emphasis.
I flipped the toast, and the cooked side was a delicious shade of dark brown. Though, my stomach was still tied in knots. Gina and I hadn’t thoroughly discussed the issue of Jess as of yet. And I knew it was a matter of time before she asked. Especially since I was hunting for a new nanny for her.
There was no better time than the present. “I want to talk to you about Jess,” I said.
Gina sighed. “When is she coming back?”
“She’s not,” I said, ripping the band-aid off. There was no other way to sugar coat it for her. And I wasn’t going to hire Jess back. I couldn’t. And I doubted Jess would accept the offer if I did.
“She doesn’t love us anymore?”
“No, honey, Jess does love us. It wasn’t working out, though.”
“Why?”
That was the question, wasn’t it? Days after firing her, my motivation for the termination of her employment eluded me. I had been in a fog between work and not sleeping well.
“It wasn’t working out with her,” I said weakly.
Gina wrinkled her nose. “Am I ever going to see her again?”
I wanted to say no, but I also didn’t want to ruin the weekend for her. “Maybe.”
“That’s good,” she said. “I miss her a lot.”
And I had to admit to myself that I missed Jess a lot as well. More than as someone to watch Gina. Jess had burrowed her way into our lives and hearts, and there was no way I could ever forget her. But Gina was my priority. I had to get her nanny situation figured out before too long. Maybe at that point, I could work on healing my heart.
Later that afternoon, I decided to work from home for a little while. I’d set a timer for myself for one hour to get some emails answered. Allison already booked several interviews for Monday, and that simultaneously relieved and frightened me. Moving on so quickly from Jess didn’t seem right, but it was necessary.
I sat in the family room on my laptop while Gina worked on the quilt on the floor. Every now and then I glanced over to make sure she didn’t poke herself with the needle. But Jess had been a good teacher.
I shoved Jess out of my mind and got back to work.
When my hour was almost up, Gina jumped up from the floor and opened up the quilt. “It’s finished, Daddy!”
I glanced up and saw she was struggling to hold it up in front of her. I moved my laptop aside and leaned over, grabbing the top of the quilt. I held it up to almost my height.
“Wow, honey, this is gorgeous,” I said.
Gina beamed at me and then her face fell.
“What’s wrong, honey?” I asked, checking the stitching on the last square. It was the one she invited me to choose the fabric for.
“This was Jess’s idea. And now she can’t see I finished it.” Her lower lip trembled.
“Gina,” I said. “It’s okay.”
Tears filled her brown eyes. “I miss her a lot, Daddy. I wish she didn’t have to leave.”
Little did Gina know was that I was the one to force Jess to leave. I couldn’t tell Gina that; it would break her heart. There was only one thing to do.
“Let’s get ready,” I said to Gina.
“Ready for what?”
I smirked. “We’re going to get Jess back.” I was going to have to swallow my pride and prepare for some groveling. But the past two days had been miserable for both Gina and me. And that meant something. We needed Jess in our lives, and I had to fix this.
After taking the quickest shower of my life, I helped Gina change. With the motivation of seeing Jess again, she’d dressed faster than I’d ever seen.
In the time we were together, we spent all of our time at my place. I used the GPS in my car to get to Jess’s apartment. As I pulled up to the apartment building, Gina started rapidly kicking her feet.
“We’re going to see Jess!” she exclaimed.
“Yes, we are,” I said.
She reached next to her for the folded quilt we brought with us. Gina insisted on showing Jess the final product as soon as we could. I agreed, thinking that it might help Jess warm up to me. It was a sneaky move, but I had to pull out all the stops if I wanted her to come back to us. I was willing to do anything to prove how sorry I was for our fight and for firing her.
Gina bounced like a jumping bean all the way to the building and up the stairs. The elevator was out of order, but thankfully Jess wasn’t on one of the higher floors. Though with the amount of energy bursting out of Gina, I doubted she would notice if we had to go up more flights.
At Jess’s door, I hesitated before knocking. I mentally prepared my speech, one that I had made up on the way over.
“Daddy, knock!” Gina demanded.
“Okay, honey.” I took a deep breath and knocked.
After the echo of the sound had faded, we waited.
Gina pressed her ear against the door then backed up and looked at me. “Daddy, try again.”
I knocked again, harder and two extra times. Jess was an early riser. Maybe she had gone out for breakfast? It was my fault she didn’t have a job to get to.
I pulled out my phone and found her number. I pressed it and leaned closer to the door.
The call went straight to voicemail, and I hadn’t heard it ring inside. She had to be out and ignoring my call. Not that I blamed her, but it annoyed me a little.
“I don’t think she’s here,” I said.
“Maybe she went to see Sierra?” Gina asked.
“Where is Sierra?” I asked. Jess previously mentioned her best friend working at a record shop, but I never bothered to ask where.
“Baker’s Brothers Records,” Gina said.
I leaned down and kissed her head. Gina might have just saved my relationship with Jess.
As I searched for street parking next to Baker’s Brothers, I didn’t see Jess’s car. My heart sank, but I held onto a little bit of hope that I could convince Sierra to contact Jess if she wasn’t at the store.
Gina and I briskly walked to the store. I glanced through the window and saw a few people inside. None of them were Jess.
“She might not be here,” I said to Gina, wanting to give her clear expectations of what might happen.
I held the door for Gina, and she burst inside.
I followed her and scanned the room for Jess. My stomach sank when I didn’t see her.
“Hey, Gina,” a young woman said. My attention went to her unnaturally bright red hair, then to the chain of earrings in her ears. She looked as if she belonged in a metal band with her tightly cropped shirt, ripped jeans, and big black boots.
“Sierra!” Gina clung onto Sierra’s leg. It surprised me that Gina was so close to this girl I barely knew. Jess had been right. By working as much as I did, I missed out on a lot. My daughter had made connections with these women and I had broken them by firing Jess. If I needed to feel more like an ass, I did at that moment.
“This is my Daddy,” Gina said. “Where’s Jess?”
“She’s not here.” Sierra looked at me, and her eyes hardened.
“Gina, why don’t you take a look at some of the records while I and Sierra talk?” I said to Gina.
Gina skipped away toward the back of the room.
“I hate you, you know,” Sierra said.
Jess definitely told her about what happened. “I know,” I said.
“Too bad Jess doesn’t hate you as much as she should,” she said, curling her fingers toward her and checking out her nails. They were covered in chipped blue nail polish.
“I went to her place this morning. I want to apologize to her,” I said. “I made a mistake.”
“You’re too late,” she said.
“But you told me she doesn’t hate me,” I said. “Just tell me where she is so
I can talk to her in person. I know you’re trying to protect your friend—”
“She’s not here anymore,” she interrupted me. “She’s not in the States. She left.”
“What? What do you mean?” I asked.
“She went back to Australia yesterday.”
“Are you serious?” I’d fired her two days ago, and she’d already moved? She was more pissed off than I realized. What the hell was I going to tell Gina?
“You see this face?” Sierra said, pointing her finger at the grimace on her lips. “I’m dead serious. My best friend fled the country because of you.”
This girl was harsh. But honest.
“Does she have her phone?” I asked. “It went to voicemail before.” Her leaving the country might have been the reason for that.
“She does, but she said she’d be out of contact for a few days.”
“I can’t believe this,” I said.
“Can’t you?” she asked. “You were the one to fire her for no reason.”
“I know,” I said. “I didn’t expect her to leave so soon.”
“Neither did she. Somehow her mom convinced her. I suppose they made up on the trip, or whatever.”
My hope that Jess and Chloe’s relationship would heal backfired on me.
Someone came into the store and walked up to the counter. Sierra looked over her shoulder at the customer. “I have to take this.”
I nodded and turned away from her. I pressed my palm over my mouth and let out several shaky breaths. What had I done?
“Daddy?” Gina asked from behind me.
I dropped down to her level and took her hands in mine. This had all been my fault, but I couldn’t keep it from her any longer. I glanced over at Sierra, who made a point of not staring in my direction, but I knew she was listening. She’d probably report back to Jess when she spoke with her next.
“Jess isn’t here anymore,” I said.
“Why?” Gina asked. “Doesn’t she love us?”
“She does,” I said. Looking into Gina’s glossy eyes made my heart hurt. “But she had to go back to Australia.”
“And she didn’t want to take us again?” Gina asked.
“No, honey. We need to stay here.”
“She didn’t even say goodbye,” Gina said and fell into my arms.
I lifted her off the ground and started for the door. I waved goodbye to Sierra and left the store.
“It’s not her fault, honey,” I said to Gina once we were outside. “It’s mine.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jess
I woke Saturday morning, thankful that I could do it without an alarm. It only took me a week to get used to waking up later, and another week to sleep up until the few minutes before I had to leave for my new job. Mom had contacted a friend of hers who worked at an antique shop in town as they were looking for a new assistant. They were gracious since I didn’t know the first thing about antiques. They were doing Mom a favor by hiring me. I didn’t like the idea of sitting home all day doing nothing except for thinking about Gina and Noah, so I accepted the job without question.
Besides, this was temporary. I intended to take another nanny position as soon as I found one. There was nothing in the immediate area except for babysitting jobs for date nights for parents. While I wasn’t above babysitting, I was holding out for something more permanent. So the antique store it was!
Since it was my day off, I rolled over, fully intending to sleep for another hour or so before heading to the beach. But the moment I closed my eyes, I heard Mom slamming around in the kitchen.
One of the things I loved about living alone was not worrying about someone waking me up. I supposed Mom had tried to be quiet when Noah and Gina were here, but since I’d arrived, she didn’t bother with the niceties. I slowly recalled that this was what she was like when I grew up in the house. It had nothing to do with her drinking. She was a loud person in general.
I gritted my teeth and shoved the blankets off my body. I sat up and touched my feet to the cool hardwood floor. I rubbed my palms over my eyes and stood up, stretching my arms above my head. In the two weeks of living down there, my body still hadn’t adjusted to the stiffness of the bed. When I had Noah in bed with me during my trip, I hadn’t noticed. The warmth of his body against my back eased me to sleep.
I glanced around the room at my personal belongings still packed into several moving boxes. I reached into my suitcase on the floor and lifted my robe, throwing it around my body. For some reason, a chill ran through me that morning. Probably because I thought of Noah. That same shiver trickled down my spine each time I thought of him. Though it was better than bursting into tears.
The move to Mona Vale was drastic but necessary. For once, Mom was right about something. If Noah didn’t want me with him, then me sticking around the area would only hurt me. In my job search, what if I came across the ad for a nanny for Gina again? Or what if I saw her at the aquarium with another woman? I wouldn’t be able to bear it. I didn’t think much about running into Noah. He made it perfectly clear his job was his priority, so unless I went to his building looking for him, I knew I’d never have to run into him.
I went out into the hallway and saw Mom was at the counter, her back facing mine.
“Morning,” I said.
“Morning,” she returned, not turning around to see me.
“Did you make coffee?” I asked.
“Working on it,” she said.
I plopped my head down on my arms resting on the table.
“You tired, love? You slept in.”
“I could have slept longer.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because someone let an elephant into the kitchen,” I grumbled.
“Well, that’s not fair.”
I laughed. “Mom, you’re so loud in the morning.”
“I haven’t got my bearings yet.”
“Then sit quietly until your bearings are settled. The slamming cabinets and drawers is really annoying.”
“You could always get your own place,” she said.
I could have gotten one right away when I’d moved. But for some reason, taking that step would make the move more permanent. Even though I had no intentions of going back, something was holding me off.
“I’m looking,” I lied.
“You know you’re welcome to stay as long as you wish,” Mom said. “I’ll try to keep it down.”
I regretted saying anything now. “Sorry, I have a lot on my mind. There’s no reason for me to be snippy. It’s fine. It’s your house. ”
Mom finished pouring water into the coffee maker before pressing the button to brew. She turned around and crossed her arms. “You know it’s our house, right? It always has been.”
“Yeah,” I said. It was too early to get into this conversation. I was still in a transitional period and wasn’t ready to commit to anything other than the sales job at the antique store. The move was a significant enough change for me, and I needed a little time to catch up before making another one.
“Have you found any nanny positions?” Mom asked.
I sighed. “Not yet. I guess people in St. Paul were different than here.”
“Most people around the world care for their own kids. It’s in the bigger cities that those jobs are more frequent.”
“Are you saying I should move to a bigger city here?” I asked.
“Sydney isn’t too far away,” Mom said.
“You want me to leave already?” I asked, bewildered.
“No, love. It’s something to think about in the long run. I know how much you love the little ones.”
“I do love them.” Gina in particular. Her little face lingered on my mind all day, every day. I wondered how long it would be before she faded away just like my life in St. Paul did. “And I do miss it, but I have to find the right kid.”
“I understand,” she said, pulling out the filled carafe of coffee. She brought it to the table and filled two empty mugs
with coffee.
I added a dab of milk to mine and swirled the liquid around with a spoon.
“Let’s sit out on the patio,” Mom said. “It’s a lovely morning.”
We went outside, and she was right. Outside was a little cooler, but the scent of the ocean tickled my nose.
“Bobby’s treating ya okay?” she asked, sitting down. Bobby was her friend who owned the antique store. He was given the store after his grandfather passed away and never looked back. He was a grandfather himself, so I wondered which of his seven grandkids would inherit it as only two of them worked there.
“Yes, he’s very kind,” I said.
“Use this as a learning experience,” Mom said. “Maybe you could teach your next kid about antiques.”
“I’m sure he or she would be very interested,” I said, keeping my tone light.
“If you get a young ‘un then I’m sure they would be. Though it seems every kid now has a cell phone attached to their palm.”
If I had my choice, I would choose an older kid, any age after five. I wasn’t sure I could do another three-year-old. I would be reminded too much of Gina.
“I know you miss them,” Mom said, sitting down next to me. She placed her hand down on my arm, squeezing it lightly.
“I do miss them,” I said, finally opening up. Since coming down, we’d avoided talking about Noah and Gina at all. It hurt too much. But now I felt as if I needed to talk about them. To get over them. To heal. “And I’m worried. I hope Noah can find someone who will take care of Gina. Someone who really cares for her. Like I do.” Then quickly amended, “Did.”
“You can still care for her,” Mom said. “She had an impact on you, just like you did for her.”
“Not enough of an impact for Noah to keep me.”
“Yeah, well, that’s how life works sometimes. You’re going to have to get over it.”
I nodded and sipped my coffee. I would get over it. Someday. But for now, I had to heal. And for me to heal, I had to think about them. Enough that maybe I’d wake up one morning and it wouldn’t hurt so much.
The phone rang from inside, and Mom got up to get it.