by Claire Adams
“Of course, but are you okay? Do you want me to come over and bring something for you?” Her motherly instinct was too powerful to sense my pain.
“No, Mom. I’m okay; I can handle things. Don’t worry about me. I just need time to rest and sleep.” I did not want her to know what I was going through. She would get disappointed in me and Hunter, and hearing ‘I told you so’ wasn’t something I could stomach just yet, though, she was right. “I’ll call you later, Mom. Have a great day at the store.”
“Are you sure, Kylie? I can feel something’s wrong,” she asked again, pushing a little.
“Yeah, Mom. If I get better during the day, I’ll come by and help.” I closed my eyes, stopping my tears from falling. Pain ran through my chest, stinging me and making it so damn hard to breathe.
“No, don’t worry about it. Just rest and relax. I’ll come by after I close the shop to bring you something. Is that okay?”
“Sure, Mom. I’ll see you then.” I dropped the call before she could tell that I was crying. I sunk my face into the pillow, hiding. I hoped I could sleep again, but I feared that nightmares might come back and fuck me up good. I had nothing left to do. Either way, the pain would come and remind me of how shitty my life was before Hunter and Vince and that I hadn’t been good enough to hold onto it. It was all gone, and I was alone – again.
I laid there a few minutes longer before realizing that I had to do something, talk to someone. Bailey. She would be there for me. She always had been before.
*
I drove to Bailey’s with my head in the clouds, my thoughts consuming me the entire way. I got out and walked to the door, knocking twice and moving back. After a quick inhale and a short coaching session in my head, Bailey opened the door, and Cat pounced on my legs.
“Ki-we!” The cute little thing tried to pronounce my name.
I smiled and patted her hair, showing my appreciation for her sweet welcome.
She moved around me and huffed. “Where’s Vince?” Her tiny voice was oozing with cuteness.
“Come on in, my friend.” Bailey reached for me, pulling me into a hug. I kept her a little ways away during the embrace thanks to the messed up apron she wore. It was stained with splatters of food coloring and icing as if she battled it out with baking items as weapons. I wrinkled my eyes, baffled by why she looked awfully messy.
“What the hell happened here?” I asked her, surprised by the bizarre, speckled form she presented before us. Cat looked at her mother then laughed at her, finding it funny to see a living rainbow in front of her.
“I was baking for you, you idiot! Where’s Vince? I thought you might bring him with you. I made some sugar-free pancakes in rainbow colors today.”
That explained her untidy look. Emotion choked me up, and I wasn’t able to get an answer out to her just yet.
Bailey and Cat trailed behind me as I walked to the kitchen, wiping at my eyes the whole way.
“Kylie, are you deaf today, silly?” Bailey pulled me to a stop from behind.
I turned and pressed my hands to my face as a soft sob left me. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey. Come here.” She pulled me close and held me. “What’s going on? Did something happen with your momma?”
“No.” I pressed into the hold, warmed by Cat’s response to my pain. The little girl was wrapped around my leg, holding me as well.
“Hunter told me to leave them alone.” I was speaking as clearly as I could, but my voice was thick through my tears. “He even told me that I would never be Vince’s mother. I’m just a nobody.”
“What?” She moved back and smoothed my hair. “Most men are douchebags, but I thought maybe Hunter was different. Obviously not.” She shook her head as another wave of tears tore me up.
“I don’t know anything right now.” I wiped at my face, feeling stupid for falling apart again.
Her tone was soft. “You know, when I saw you and Hunter together during Cat’s birthday party, I felt like he was different. The two of you had a spark, an undeniable chemistry. It was beautiful. But I guess I was right. It’s difficult to get attached to someone with an additional baggage behind him. Being a single parent is hard, and you mess up a lot.”
I looked down, realizing the reminders Bailey and my mother had always told me. They were single parents who supported their kids on their own. They completed the rare list of the most valiant and persevered persons I had ever met in my life.
I should have listened and not got involved, or at the least, taken better care of little Vince.
“I know it is.” I nodded and found somewhere to sit down.
“You know what I think, Kylie?”
I raised my head to stare at her eyes. She was smiling at me like she was about to say something that had the power to sooth, my soul. Cat was listening too; her eyes darted to her mother as if she understood the things we talked about.
“What?” I asked my best friend with a shaky voice. I wiped the remaining tears from my cheek as my crying had finally stopped.
“I know everything he did for you was sincere. He must have felt the same love, but his fear consumed him. The fear of losing someone so important to him and Vince. He was holding back because he was frightened to experience the same thing that happened in his previous relationship.” She looked at me, her smile still consistently drawn on her face.
I studied her, waiting for the man-bashing part. I found nothing sarcastic about her words. She was telling the truth. She believed Hunter was a good guy and just fell apart in the face of fear. It was understandable, but it didn’t change anything.
He didn’t want me in his life, and I was too tired and hurt to fight for a different outcome.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Hunter
It was finally the end of the week, and it had been a long one. Trying to explain to Vince for the last few days why Kylie wasn’t in our lives and trying my hardest not to lie about it had me weary as fuck.
I knocked on Vince’s door since he had not come out of his room yet. He was a vibrant morning person who woke up by himself without anyone shaking him to get up. Lately, he seemed to change. The old, cheerful son I usually had was now a gloomy, aloof kid who lost his appetite for food and interaction with others.
After a series of knocks, he was unresponsive. I decided to turn the knob and enter his room carefully. He was still lying in bed, his back facing me. His body was covered up with his blanket.
“Buddy, are you awake?” I stepped closer to him, sitting on the side of his bed to wake him up. I shook his shoulder lightly to wake him from his sleep. “Come on, Vince. Wake up and eat your breakfast.” I could feel his shoulder was fighting me as I turned him to face me. I peeked over his face and found tears all over his face, his nose already red from crying. “Hey, buddy. Come on, why are you crying? Superheroes don’t cry.”
“I had a really bad dream, Daddy.”
I looked at him as he finally faced me. His eyes were still puffy and red from excessive crying, but he managed to stop sobbing. I had wiped his runny nose before he continued his story.
“Oh, yeah? Well, tell me about it then.”
“I dreamed of Kylie, you, and me going into the forest to hunt those bad hogs that rooted up our yard. At first, we were all happy and laughing. I was enjoying everything I saw in the forest. There were beautiful flowers, tall trees, even a mother and baby squirrel watching us from a low branch. I loved the trip we had. It was awesome.” His eyes grew big, amused by the things he saw from his dream. “And then I spotted a hog hiding behind a thick tree trunk, watching over us with crazy eyes. When I pointed it to you, Kylie was preparing to shoot the hog. But something different happened.”
His eyes became dead, his face filled with fright.
“What happened, buddy?” I rubbed his hair and tried to use a calming tone with him. He was pretty shaken.
“The hog transformed into a monster. He began to run toward Kylie, jumping on her and squishing her under it
s big body. She was screaming and crying for help, but you dragged me away from her. I could still hear her shouting, begging for us to help her. But you dragged me away from her, Daddy. We left her to die with the hog.”
I pulled him into my arms as my heart shattered farther. I missed Kylie so fucking much, I was having trouble eating and sleeping too, but seeing Vince hurt over it was too much. “I’ll not leave her alone, buddy. Kylie’s not going anywhere.”
“She’s already gone. We haven’t seen her in forever. And I don’t want her to get hurt, Daddy.” His eyes were pleading with me, hoping that I would protect Kylie no matter what.
“She’s just busy, Vince, but just know that I won’t let anything happen to her ever, okay?” I hugged him tight which seemed to calm him down. I got lost in my thoughts, wondering what my beautiful girl was up to.
Vince broke my day dreaming as he moved out of my arms. He moved to his window, looking out toward her house, and I studied his disposition. He looked like a gloomy kid who had given up on something he once hoped for. I had to fix things, at least where he was concerned.
“What if we visit the lake and go fishing today?”
“Yes! Wait, is Kylie coming with us?” He turned and asked in a small voice, hoping that the answer would finally be a yes.
I bit my lower lip before answering him. “I’m sorry, buddy. But Kylie is still busy working on some things for the convenience store.”
“Why don’t we go to the store instead? I bet Nana and Kylie are dying to see me again.” His eyes begged for my compliance.
“Sorry, buddy. They are busy and hoped to do things on their own. We can’t disturb them.” I got up and walked over, ruffling his hair a little. “So, no on the fishing, cause I’d really love some sunshine and time with my favorite superhero on the planet?”
“Okay to the fishing.” He nodded and walked to his dresser; his shoulders rolled, his little head down a little. Fuck me for messing things up with Kylie.
*
“I love this place!” Vince ran off to the dock right after I parked the car, his mood picking up fast now that we were at the lake. He was all gleeful and vibrant, his old self finally returning. I hoped I could keep his mood uplifted. His smile was just the best thing I could live for in the middle of my darkness.
I got out of the car and carried our fishing equipment and picnic basket, walking behind him languidly.
As I walked toward the dock, memories flashed back before me. I could still recall in vivid detail the first time we came to the lake with Kylie. Bright, beautiful, and blissful. Something just like her.
Shaking my head to eradicate the thought, I stopped beside Vince. His feet were dangling from the dock as he watched the clear water below him. I could see some of the fish swimming just below the surface, which helped my mood significantly.
Vince took his fishing rod and put the bait on the hook by himself. I offered him help, but he was persistent to do it alone. “I’m all grown up now, Daddy. Plus, I want to try it myself.”
“All right, Vince. Have at it, but be careful.” I knelt beside him and watched, a little surprised at how good he was at picking up new skills.
He prepared his fishing equipment alone. After he had thrown the bait into the water, he waited in patience for some fish to bite. He was swinging his feet, keeping his eye on the rod.
“Daddy,” he called out to me, but his eyes were fixated on his rod. “I miss Kylie a lot. My heart gets real little and hurts so bad when I think about her.”
I dropped my fishing rod, surprised by Vince’s words. I knew he missed her, but it was the first time he spoke about his feelings so plainly. I watched as his face remained expressionless as he drifted off.
I missed her too. My heart had been aching for days. My bed felt so empty without her. The house was lonely, as if a puzzle piece had been lost from the ensemble. She was the bright sun that gave light to our lives. Now she’d gone and it was entirely my fault.
I answered him with a regretful voice, saddened by how things between us turned out. “I miss her too, buddy.”
He glanced over at me, his eyes holding too much wisdom for his age. “Did she leave us like Mom did?”
Pain like I’d never felt rolled through me, scorching my insides. “Vince, your mom died in childbirth. I told you that.”
“I know, but her dying is the same as her leaving. She went to the clouds. She left us.” His voice was nothing more than a whisper. “Did Kylie leave us too?”
“No, son. She’s—”
Just as I started to speak, the line on Vince’s fishing rod began to pull down. He turned the reel while the rod shook. I jumped up and came to his aid, pulling the stick upwards as he rotated the reel. In a few moments of struggle, we successfully caught a big fish. Another trout.
“That’s a Superman fish, Daddy!” he exclaimed in delight, watching as I unhooked the fish from the end. His eyes were lit up, his face happy and content. The expression I hoped for him to keep was drawn on his face.
“Yeah! Great job, buddy!” I raised my hand for a high five. He slapped his hand on mine, giving me an energized clap.
His questions died down after that, and we agreed to concentrate on filling up our cooler with fish, which meant being quiet and watching for any movement in the line. It was a great way to save me from having to dive any deeper into my heartache.
The day went by fast. We caught ten more fish, the day a huge success by my standards. I carried the heavy ice box filled with fish and put it in the car’s trunk while my son brought the fishing rods. After we had packed up, the two of us got inside the car. We drove home exhausted but having had a great day together.
Vince was seated at my side, a big grin drawn on his face. “Dad, I wish Kylie was with us. If she just saw how I caught a lot of fish from the lake, she would be very proud. She would then cook the fish I caught when we reached home. I could hear her tell me again and again how funny you were every time you turn your fishing rod’s reel. She would laugh until her tummy hurts. She would hug us tight and tell us how happy she was to have us in her life.” I looked at him, his eyes sad. “Can we see her again, please, Dad? Pretty please?”
It was something I overlooked the entire trip. Despite the joy on his face, something deep inside of him was empty as well. His eyes were sad, mirroring how much he missed visiting the convenience store. He missed seeing Nana and the time they shared reading books. Most of all, he missed Kylie.
I couldn’t keep Vince from Kylie, even if she didn’t want to see me. Maybe she’d still want to see him. I needed to apologize, but I couldn’t. My pride wouldn’t let me, no matter how much it hurt me to hang onto it.
“We’ll see her soon, buddy,” I answered him with firm conviction. This time, I would not disappoint him. This time, I was telling him a promise I would keep. This time, I would make it right. Somehow.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Kylie
It had been a long week, but it was Friday, and I forced myself to feel good about it. I had been trudging through life lately and hated every minute of it, but it was what it was. Hunter’s words had left me a shell of who I thought I was, and I’d get over it, but not yet. It still hurt too damn much to try.
Right after I checked out the last customer in line, my mother moved to stand in front of me. Her hands were on her hips, her eyes narrowed.
“What’s going on, Kylie?” She posed the question again. It was the millionth time she asked, but I managed to escape her every time. I was running out of excuses and alibis to distract her. It was getting tougher and tougher for me to make things up.
I exhaled heavily, my heart so damn heavy. “I’m still not feeling well, Mom.” It was one of my rusty reasons, but I had nothing else.
She put the back of her hand over my forehead, then on my neck. After testing my temperature, she crossed her hands beneath her chest. Her eyes were starting to get tedious and peeved. “Stop fooling around, Kylie. You have been using that
fever excuse since the other day, but you’re not even hot. What’s really going on, and where the hell has my Vince been? It’s been a whole week without his sweet little face in my store. Tell me now.”
“Mom, Hunter kicked me out of their lives.” I shrugged as tears filled my eyes.
Her expression changed in a split second. From the peevish, bored one, she turned into a surprised, pitying mood. It was a quick shift, but I understood why. I was still surprised by how things turned out so poorly.
“What happened? How the hell did things become like this?” She was staring at me with troubled eyes. Her tone was filled with anger and concern
“Remember the day when I rushed Vince to the hospital? Hunter showed up at the hospital that day furious at me. We talked about things, and he was angry at me for neglecting his son. He even told me how I acted like I was Vince’s mother, but I wasn’t his mother. I was no one’s mother.” A soft sob left me as I pulled the scab off the wound. “He said that I was a nobody who meddled too much with their affairs. He told me that we should part ways and take our time alone. It was the best thing to do at this point, anyway.” Everything flashed before me like it happened just yesterday. My heart raced as the room grew dim through my tears.
“How rude of him! That wasn’t your fault the day Vince passed out. You’re not a doctor.” My mother walked around the counter and pulled me into a warm hug, stroking my hair and pressing her cheek to the top of my head. “I think I’m in shock. I would never have expected Hunter to say such horrible things. I know I warned you about him before, but I thought I was wrong. I thought he was a man who loved you so much. Maybe my gut feeling was right, after all. He was a good for nothing, ignorant asshole.”
My eyes were hurting. I wanted to sink to the floor and weep, but I couldn’t cry anymore. The sadness had to stop. “I know, Momma.”
“I just can’t believe it, Kylie. Hunter can’t do these things.” She moved back, took my shoulders, and shook her head in disappointment. “I’m so sorry, baby. I should have known earlier.” The sound of her voice calmed me, her touch reminding me that I was someone. I was hers.