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After the nurse leaves, I wait some more, but it’s only a few moments before Mac stands from the chair. She leans over, kisses her mom on the cheek, and turns, walking straight to me.
I have no choice but to open my arms and let her step into my embrace. Not that I wouldn’t want to do it, but she didn’t wait for me to offer. She needed my comfort, and she demanded it.
Of course, I gave it.
After a few minutes of me leaning my cheek on top of her head and stroking her back, she pulls back slightly and says. “I’d really love to get out of here. ”
“Where to?” I ask her, because I don’t know if she just wants out of this room or wants out of this city.
“I know you have a flight out of here soon, so how about we just take a walk nearby. ”
“Sure,” I tell her with a smile as I take her hand.
I lead her from her mother’s room… from the hospital, from where death and grief clog the air. We step out into the summer sunshine and with some fortuitously accidental navigation, we find a beautiful park across the street and meander around for a while. My plane doesn’t leave for another three hours, so I have a bit of time. When I found out Macy would be arriving this afternoon, I knew it was safe for me to return to New York, because Mac would have someone by her side.
Part of me did want to stay. Deep down, there was a small part of me that liked Mac leaning on me.
But the larger part of me, the one that is scared shitless, is demanding I leave. This entire trip to Nashville has been surreal. In just a matter of two days and due to one horrifyingly tragic circumstance, the dynamic of my relationship with Mac has changed. I provided emotional support to her, and that is definitely not something I should be doing in a sex-only relationship. Doesn’t matter I wanted to provide it… I shouldn’t have provided it.
I actually have to tell myself, “Don’t get in any deeper, Matt. The deeper you go, the more painful it’s going to be when your heart gets ripped out. ”
So yeah… it’s good I’m leaving. Mac will be fine because Macy will be here, and I’m going to get back into the swing of my life. When Mac comes back to New York, we can hopefully just pick up where we left off.
“Have you ever lost a loved one?” Mac asks innocently, our hands held together loosely as we walk, swinging back and forth.
God, have I ever.
I lost the woman I thought was the love of my life. I lost her for absolutely no-good f**king reason other than the fact she was selfish, cruel, and without conscience. It was a loss that may not have been quite the same as death, but for the way my shredded heart felt, I think I felt it just as keenly as what Mac is feeling right now. It may not be the same type of love, but I felt its loss deep in my soul. It’s the exact pain I am trying to avoid by never getting that lost to someone again.
By never succumbing to the concept of infinite love and commitment. It’s a fallacy… a perversion to my senses. It has no place in my life ever again.
I know, however, Mac is not asking about that. She’s talking about true death, so I answer her, “My grandfather… on my dad’s side. About three years ago. ”
“Were you close?”
“Not really, but only because he and my grandmother live down in southern Florida. We just didn’t see them very often. ”
Mac doesn’t make any comment about it, preferring to walk along in silence. I find myself curious though. “I’m assuming you don’t have any siblings?”
“I’m an only child. I have a few cousins, but they all live out in California. ”
“So, no other family then in this area?”
“Nope. All alone. ”
The sun is warm, and the grass is green. It’s a beautiful day, and it feels like we left the heaviness of despair far behind us.
“So what about you?” Mac asks curiously. “What’s your family situation?”
Every instinct in me screams at me to lie to her. To tell her I don’t have any and leave it at that. But I can’t. It’s not fair to feed her falsehoods in any circumstance, but not particularly when she has suffered the way she has.
“My mom and dad live in Pennsylvania, where we’re from originally. Just outside of Philadelphia. My mom’s parents are there as well, and my other grandmother is still down in Florida. ”
I sneak a look down at Mac’s face, and she’s smiling softly. “So you’re an only child too?”
“That I am,” I confirm.
We walk along in silence for a bit more, Mac turning us back around to head to the hospital where we can get a cab back to the hotel so I can get my suitcase. “Thanks for the walk. That was nice, and I needed that. ”
I open my mouth to say, “Your Welcome,” but instead I say, “I have a son. ”
Mac stops and turns to look at me, her head cocked to the side. Her face is soft and open, and she doesn’t appear to be pissed she’s just hearing this.
“His name is Gabe, and he’s seven years old. He’s pretty much the most perfect kid ever, and I know parents are supposed to say that, but it’s f**king true in my case. ”
“I know,” Mac says gently. “Cal told me. ”
Just the mention of his name and I’m suffused with anger. I’m pissed that Cal told her something personal that was for me to tell her, and I’m pissed that she was in a situation that required a conversation of the magnitude that would reveal I have a child.
I’m just pissed.
But then Mac leans into me, laying her head on my chest. “But I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough with me to share that. It means a lot. ”
Well f**k… my fury dissipates as I wrap my arms around Mac and pull her in close. I don’t like her having a friendship with Cal but, in the grand scheme of things… as I stand in Nashville, Tennessee, holding my lover in my arms not even an hour after her mother died in her arms… well, I have to push my shit aside and stand strong for Mac right now.
I can worry about all this other stuff later.
Chapter 19
I’m well aware that there is no such magical thing as a do-over, you having been privy to my thoughts previously on the matter.
But I need something.
I need something because I royally screwed the pooch when I went to Nashville. I broke the biggest rule of all, and that was allowing myself to care for Mac in a way that caused all of my common sense to fly out the window. I cared for her, I opened myself up, and I made myself vulnerable. The worst part is that now Mac is probably going to expect that warm and fuzzy Matt all the time, and I don’t have that in me to give consistently. That was a one-time only fluke.
I have to do something to fix that.
A reset, perhaps.
Yes, I need to put things back in their rightful order, so I’m hitting the reset button. It’s time to get back to doing what I do best.
And that’s f**king.
I walk up to Mac’s office. Today is her first day back since her mother’s funeral, and I want to say hello. She and I have texted for the past few days while she was in Tennessee, but I’ve carefully avoided having an actual phone conversation.
Looking in, she’s sitting at her desk, reading a sympathy card signed by all the attorneys and staff, which was with a huge bouquet of stargazer lilies on her desk. I know this because I approved the purchase to Karen yesterday when she suggested doing something for her return.
I wait to be overwhelmed with a mirage of conflicting feelings regarding Mac, especially since I crossed so many boundaries I had imposed on myself already. She sits there, so visually stunning and very desirable.
Also vulnerable and sad.
And as expected, I’m hit from all angles. I’m flooded with lust, my mind already playing out all the inappropriate things I want to do with her, and my heart is happy to see her again even though my brain is shaking its head saying “You stupid motherfucker”. I decide to push my heart to the rear and listen to my
brain and my dick.
“Welcome back,” I tell her from her doorway as I hold onto the doorframe with both hands and lean in.
Mac turns her head toward me, and I see her hastily blink back tears.
“Hey,” she says, giving me a friendly smile.
I stare at her hard, trying to figure out what’s going through her mind right now. Is she going to hold me to some impossible standard that I inadvertently set by my actions in Nashville?
Unfortunately, she gives nothing away, and it’s one of the reasons she’ll be a great litigator. Instead, her face looks at me with open curiosity for my visit.
“So… everything okay? Sure you’re ready to be back to work already?” I ask her hesitantly, trying to open the door to some generic conversation. Since her face isn’t giving anything away, maybe her words will.
“I’m sure,” she says with absolute conviction.
Hmmm. That told me absolutely nothing. Maybe I need to bait her a little… see if I can offend her sensibilities. I’m sure she is expecting something from me… something beyond an orgasm.
“Good,” I say aloofly. “There’s a new case I just assigned to you… You’ll see an email about it. Review it, and you’ll be handling the depositions next month. ”
“Oh-kay,” she says in confusion, and now I’m starting to get somewhere. She is indeed expecting something more than what I would have normally given her before.
I engage in a bit of a staring war with her, having to literally force myself not to ask her how she’s feeling. I may be acting like a cold bastard to her right now, but deep down… I really want to know she’s okay. I’m just going to have to assume she is, so I can go through with my plan to hit the reset button. I must maintain my “aloof ass**le mode”, which really should be my only mode from here on out.
When I can see the confusion on her face start to melt into sadness, it spurs me into action. Looking left and right down the hallway to make sure no one is coming, I lean into her office further and speak quietly so no one can hear. “Can I see you tonight?”
“Yes,” she says as relief washes over her face, which, in turn, causes relief to gush through my entire body. While I thought she would still want me, I was sort of prepared for her to push me away when she realized that we were going back to status quo.
“What do you want me to bring to eat?” I ask her, although I know without a doubt what I want to eat. More than once.
“Surprise me,” she says playfully.
I give her a wink, nod my head, then I turn around and walk away.
***
Operation Reset is in full swing, and it’s going f**king fantastic as far as I can tell. Every night this week, I’ve gone to Mac’s apartment with food after work. We eat… talk about a little of this, a little of that. Nothing really heavy.
After we clean up, we f**k like animals. Sometimes, I leave after just one round, and this is part of a calculated plan. I’ll cuddle with her just a tiny bit, until I can get my heart rate under control and feeling back in my legs. Then I’ll give her some excuse like an early morning meeting I have to prepare for, which necessitates my having to leave. The calculated part is that I want her to start understanding and accepting that I had to go back to the safer place of sex-only with no emotional ties.
Other times, I may lay with her in the bed for quite a while, talking or watching TV. This is not part of a calculated plan and occurs because it’s something I subconsciously want. I try to make myself pull away, running various excuses through my head. But on those occasions, I don’t listen to my common sense and stay in her arms because, damn it, if feels shamefully good. We will usually f**k at least once or twice more, but it’s done at a leisurely pace and with no regard for time. On those occasions, I won’t leave her place until usually two or three in the morning.
Confessions of a Litigation God Page 25