by Sidharth
`Yeah, right. Look who's talking,' Rana jibed at Rishab.
`What do you mean?'
Rana knew that Rishab knew what he meant. Rishab had spent just a few months in The Presidency Convent and had fallen in love with Ananya-the new girl. Rishab and Ananya spent a lot of time together because they shared a lot in common. Rishab was from a boys' school, The Bishop Boys', and was there on transfer. Ananya was from Raipur. Both of them didn't know anyone else. Rishab, with a body that was sculpted and rock-hard after years on the tennis circuits, had a reputation in The Presidency College. Though people thought of him as a player, Ananya thought he was cute and well behaved.
But while Rishab fell in love with Ananya, she was more inclined towards the debating team captain-Yuvraj, Natasha's boyfriend. Rishab backed off and decided to be just friends with her. Though that hadn't stop his feelings from growing for her.
`You still like Ananya a lot.'
`Well, whatever,' Rishab shrugged it off.
`It's all your fault, Rishab. Had you not fallen in love with Ananya and called her to that party, I would have never met Natasha.'
`My fault? I didn't know Ananya would bring Natasha along. And even if she did, who asked you to kiss her?'
They both smiled as they thought of the people they loved. A small part of Rana was still with Natasha-the girl with the strawberry lips and the longest legs.
He made up his mind that he would go to her and apologize for what he had done.
hreya still hadn't come out of the shock of what she had heard. She talked to everyone she could find who would corroborate the story. Within the second and the third period, everybody knew what Rana had done to Natasha, the previous day. She sat on her seat thinking how could the news of a party in one of The Bishop Boys' houses become gossip in The Presidency Convent. She was disgusted at everyone around her. Most of them didn't even know who Rana was. He wasn't in the same school.
Natasha had spent the first two periods in the library. She wondered if Natasha knew. Just as the third period got over, Shreya rushed toward the library. She saw Natasha from a distance, studying. She guessed that Natasha didn't know.
`Shreya!' Natasha called her name out as soon she saw her.
`Natasha? Umm ... what's up?' Shreya said nervously.
`I just ... how is the preparation going?'
`I'm through with about fifty percent of the syllabus. It should be done in time. We still have four days to go for the first round.'
`Oh. Alright. Good.'
`How is Chemistry coming along? Shreya asked, awkwardly.
`It's cool. Almost half done. As in-organic is taken care of. And a bit of inorganic too. I just have to study physical Chemistry now ...'
`Nice! In fact, I am not bad at Physics either. If you want, we can study together? I might be able to help you with a few things,' Shreya said, still unsure of how to broach the topic.
Natasha closed her books and they left the library. Small groups of people outside their class looked at Natasha and snickered. Some of them laughed. Shreya glared at them and hoped they would shut up. It didn't help.
`What is going on?' Natasha said as she found a group of people who all turned towards her and laughed as she crossed them.
`What do you mean? Shreya asked, puzzled.
`I mean ... in school. Why is everyone acting weird around me? They were laughing, weren't they?' Natasha asked and Shreya's face drooped.
`They ... actually ... you know ...' Shreya stammered.
`What is it?'
`Okay . . . Did you talk to Rana yesterday? On the phone?'
`What? How do you know?' Natasha panicked. `Don't tell me ... Everyone knows? How?'
`I think so,' Shreya said meekly, looking sympathetic.
`Damn.'
Shreya saw Natasha's shoulders droop and her eyes get wet. Shreya wasn't sure if what people were saying was true or not. Shreya hadn't believed it when people said Natasha had begged in front of Rana to take her back. But seeing Natasha's face, she knew people were right. She felt bad for her, more than she thought she ever would. Her heart crumbled to see Natasha like this.
`But, I ... I don't understand ... how? How did this happen?' Natasha wondered aloud.
`When you called, he was having a small party at his place. He had a few guys there from our school too.'
`Oh shit. Shit. Did someone overhear?' she asked frantically. Natasha forgot all about where she was and who she was talking to. She was too frenzied to worry about all that.
Actually ... not exactly overhear ...'
`Then? What? Did Rana tell anyone? Did he? Don't tell me. Because that just cannot be. Rana would never do that to me. Never.'
`Listen to me, Natasha-'
`No! You listen to me, Shreya. He is pissed at me, yes. But he would never do such a thing to me. He loves me. He doesn't know that yet, but it is true. He loves me.'
`Natasha, no! He does not.'
`What do you know? He does. Trust me, he-'
`Stop it! Just ... enough,' Shreya suddenly shouted. She looked around to see several heads turn towards them. `Come with me.' She didn't want Natasha to freak out in front of everyone.
When they were safely away from the rest of the people at school, Shreya turned to Natasha. `You cannot keep ranting that Rana loves you, in front of everyone. People are already thinking of you as a ...'
'As a? As a what?'
`They think that ... you are kind of ... losing your mind. They've never seen you quite so desperate ...'
`Desperate? How do they...? What is going on, Shreya? Tell me all you know,' Natasha demanded evenly.
`Rana did not tell anyone. He ... he put the call on loudspeaker when you talked. So . . . they all heard everything.'
Natasha eyes went blank. As if she had seen a ghost. Her skin turned pale and it looked like she was in shock. Shreya held her and tried to hug her, but Natasha pushed her away. Shreya's eyes filled up with tears, too. She couldn't see her like this. Shreya tried to talk to her but Natasha didn't answer. Her eyes were blank as if she was looking right through Shreya.
`Natasha! Are you okay?' Shreya asked her.
Natasha did not reply. She just kept walking, as if she were possessed. She walked away from the class and Shreya followed her.
`Natasha? Where are you going?' Shreya called again.
`Leave me alone.'
Are you alright? Can I take you back to class?'
`Just-go away,' Natasha growled and pointed a finger away from her.
Shreya staggered back as Natasha made her way to the reception. She waited there as Natasha argued with the gatekeeper to let her go home. After a few minutes, she saw Natasha get into her car and the driver driving away from the school.
atasha was in a state of disarray. She walked to her car and instructed the driver to take her home. Her mind was blank and she couldn't think anything. Once there, she silently made her way to her room and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall, her mind strangely vacant. She just sat there silently, for a long, long time. She was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She wanted to think, but could not. Her mind was buzzing with too many things, too many emotions.
Her thinking was impaired. All she could do was stare blankly into nothingness. Her life made absolutely no sense. There was nothing she could live for, there was no purpose. No one loved her. People detested her. She could see hatred everywhere she went. She was not as untouched by it all as she had once pretended to be. Every snide remarked made her day a little worse.
It was like she had no significance in anyone's life. People at school hated her. Her mother pretended to care for her. Her father-recently-seemed to be way too busy juggling work and his wife. She mattered to no one. Her existence was inconsequential to everyone.
And so, she decided to end it.
Her existence had never made anyone happy. Maybe its end would make someone smile. At least the jibes will stop. They are painful.
She made her way to her dad's was
hroom. She knew he had a bottle of sedatives in the cupboard somewhere. He had developed insomnia right after his wife had left him. The trouble getting to sleep had seemed to continue forever. As expected, Natasha found a full bottle of sleeping pills in his washroom. She knew what she had to do. She picked up the bottle and unscrewed the cap. It was almost full. There were at least forty pills in it. That would be more than enough. Maybe she would leave a few of them in the bottle, for her dad. He would have trouble sleeping once she was gone, otherwise.
She filled a glass with water and held the bottle in her other hand. And then . . . she paused. She had to say a proper goodbye to her dad. She made her way to her room and set the open bottle and the glass of water at the table. She pulled a chair, grabbed a notebook and a pen, and started to write.
Dad,
/ cloo't know where l will be when you read this. Maybe somewhere around here, io my room, dying. Maybe decl. Pont take roe to the hospital /% not want to be saved l would not have done this, had / wanted to live.
/ do not know what to say. I have never done this before.
But/ just... lwanttodid, /cannottakeitanymore. With no one by my side, l justsee no sense in living.
lloveyou. ltisnotyourfultinanyway. Pleasedon'tbbrne y0111-self
/hope you can forgive me.
Love,
Natasha
She completed the letter, and read what she had written. She knew it would not make much sense to her dad. He would probably never know the real reason for her .. . suicide. She felt odd in her head, just thinking about the word. Suicide. But she could see no other way. She knew it would be unfair of her to keep the real reason of her suicide from her dad. But she just could not tell him. Also, she herself did not know what the real reason was. Things had kind of built up and reached a threshold. There was nothing that had actually happened to trigger it.
She tore away the page from the notebook and folded it carefully. She placed it on the top of her desk. And thenshe turned to the open bottle of sleeping pills, waiting for her.
hreya was delaying calling Natasha as much as she could. She was not sure what kind of reaction to expect from her. They had been friends once ... but not anymore, and she didn't want to cross a line that she shouldn't. She was sitting on her bed, holding her phone ... not calling Natasha.
Something was holding her back. She knew she would have to call, sooner or later. The look on Natasha's face ... it would not let her sleep. She preferred to see Natasha cry. Like she used to do, right after her mother left her. The crying had stopped suddenly . . . Natasha changed and changed for the worse. Shreya didn't want her to go through the same change again. She could feel that something bad was going to happen. She had an intuition . . . So she brushed aside her own insecurity. What mattered at the moment was whether Natasha was okay. Not whether or not she would be interested in talking to Shreya.
And then, Shreya dialled Natasha's number. The first ring made Shreya jump slightly. She was nervous. She had no idea what she would say to her, if Natasha was willing to talk.
In case she freaked out, she would probably ask a general question like how are you and discuss something about the quiz after that. Yes, that would be perfect, she thought. But she was spared the ordeal of coming up with something to say. Natasha did not take her call. She did not reject it, but the message was loud and clear. She did not want Shreya to interfere. Or that was how Shreya thought it must have been like.
She was not sure. It might have been anything. Maybe Natasha was caught up somewhere. Maybe she did not see the call. Maybe she did not want to talk. Maybe she ... maybe she was really sad, and did not feel like talking to anyone.
When she went over these possibilities, she realized that not receiving one call did not mean she did not want to talk. A lot of things could have happened. So she waited for Natasha to call back after she saw her missed call. Shreya hoped that Natasha would respond to the missed call. She wanted her to.
A few hours later, when she still had no word from Natasha, she stopped waiting. She did not know what the case was. She did not want to call again, in case Natasha really did not want to talk.
She just hoped Natasha was alright.
Natasha was startled by her phone ringing suddenly. She dropped the glass of water she was holding and accidentally splashed water on her suicide note and all over the carpet.
`Shit,' she muttered and brushed the water away. She grabbed her phone and looked at the display. Shreya? Maybe Shreya just wanted to discuss something about the quiz. That was why they had exchanged their numbers in the first place. But she knew Shreya was calling for whatever had happened in the school that day.
She knew Shreya. She knew what kind of person she was. After the conversation they had had in school that day, Natasha was sure that Shreya would be worried about her. She was that kind of a girl. Sweet and caring. That made Natasha feel even more like shit. All the regret she had once felt for what she had done to Shreya resurfaced. The pain was almost piercing. The only person standing next to her was a friend she had betrayed. A friend whose life she had made hell by planting those magazines inside her bag.
Finally, came the tears. For the lost friendship. For the sad excuse of a life. For the ruined reputation. For Rana's betrayal. For the defunct family. She kept holding her phone, and it kept ringing. She did not have the strength to receive the call. She was not strong enough to face the world. Not even Shreya. How would she be able to face her? After all she had once done to her?
1 Missed Call, the display of her phone read.
She was taken back to when she and Shreya were still friends. They had been inseparable. They had been perfect.
I'm a bitch. She thought she deserved everything that she was getting. She brushed away the tears and looked at the glass lying on the carpet. She contemplated picking it up, filling water in it and ... dying. But something stopped her.
She remembered what Shreya had told her during the days she was grappling with her mother's absence. 'You're not a quitter.' Suddenly, the words started to resound in her head repeatedly. For the next few minutes, that was all she could hear in her head. Slowly, the gravity of the situation started to seep into her and realised what she had been about to do. The full implications of her actions dawned on her and she started thinking clearly. I am trying to kill myself. I won't see anyone again. Her head got a little dizzy and she started seeing things in double.
Just then, there was a soft knock on her door. She turned to see her dad open the door and get in.
`Why are the lights off?' he said and switched them on.
The sudden light blinded her a little. Her dad walked inside the room and she put the glass of water down. She panicked. Her gaze shot to the table, where the open bottle of sleeping pills sat. Then she realized her mistakefollowing her gaze, her dad also turned towards the table. Before he could see the bottle of pills, Natasha tried to distract him. `Dad! You're back already? Weren't you going to be late tonight?'
`Yes. Got free earlier than expected,' he turned back towards her. His expression did not change. Natasha was not sure whether he noticed the bottle or not.
`Oh. Good. So, what is the plan?' She said and tried to act normal. She stood up to hide the bottle.
`Plan? What do you want to do?' he asked. Natasha noticed the change of expression on his face. Maybe he knew what was happening.
`Umm ... I don't know. I just thought that we would do something together, since you have time . . .' Natasha blabbered randomly. Inside, she was shivering with fear. She did not know how he would react if he found out what almost happened. And she did not want him to find out.
`Like what?'
A ... movie, maybe? Or dinner? Whatever you want ...'
`Natasha, is something up? You're acting a little weird,' her dad peered at her and asked.
`No, no. Nothing's up! I just wanted to spend a little time with you ... that's all,' she answered hurriedly.
`Okay. So let's go out for dinne
r?'
`Yeah. Or a movie?' she suggested hastily. Movie meant no need for conversation. She was looking forward to that.
'Alright.'
And half an hour later, she found herself in a car with him. When they sat in the cinema theatre, she felt a little odd. She had not seen a movie with her dad since ... the fourth grade. He used to take her to the movies when she was a kid. Then, things changed. He got busier with work and her mom got busier with ... other things. And then, when her mom left, things changed even more. As she watched the movie with him, she realised how much she had loved doing that once. And also that her dad was probably watching a movie after eight years!
By the end of it, her mind was a lot calmer. She almost forgot about all the depressing things in her life. She laughed a good laugh after ages. For a moment, she felt like everything was alright with her world. After the movie, she dragged her dad to a pizza parlour, knowing fairly well that he hated pizza. It was always fun to argue with him and make him do things he did not want to do. She thought about what she had almost done and felt stupid about it.
When they settled in their seats in Pizza Hut, she looked around. Two familiar figures caught her eye. Were they who she thought they were? Her heart stopped. In happiness and anticipation.
Ananya and Rishab? Together? She squinted her eyes to see, but could not figure them out. She wondered if something was brewing up between the two of them. Natasha knew that Rishab had always had a thing for Ananya.
`So, what do you want?' her dad asked and she turned back to him.
They placed their orders and she soon forgot all about Ananya. That night, she had a good time with her dad. She had initially been happy that they wouldn't need to talk during the movie, but honestly, she had more fun talking to him than just seeing the movie with him. She felt a pang of affection for him. On the way back home, her dad got an important call from work. She heard his side of the conversation.
`Yes?' he said. `What? But how did that happen?'
No. I cannot come. Isn't there someone else who can take care of this?'