by Sidharth
`Would you please just say it?' Shreya asked. She was visibly getting anxious about the whole thing.
`I wanted to tell you, that ... it was I who put those magazines in your bag. And then, in school, Itold everyone that your parents found those magazines in your bag. And that I would no longer be friends with you because I thought that you were gross. It was me. It was all because of me,' Natasha said it all together. And then, very slowly, she raised her head to look at Shreya's expression.
She would never forget Shreya's face as she said that.
Shreya looked like she had seen a ghost. All those years, she had held Natasha in high regard. She had never, for once, suspected her involvement in all that had happened. Any other person would have realized. It was so transparent. But Shreya had never doubted Natasha. Only to find out all these years later, that she was the very person behind all that had gone wrong in her life.
She had been sad when everybody started to treat her like an untouchable at school. But she stopped caring about them. All she wanted to know was that Natasha believed her. That Natasha knew that Shreya would never do such a thing. And here she was, finding out that all the while, it was Natasha behind the whole incident.
Shreya was broken. Natasha could not bear to look at her face anymore.
`I am sorry, Shreya. I know how wrong it was of me to do it . . . but I don't even know why I did it. Maybe because everyone loved you so much ... and hated me. I did not like that. Especially ... Mom. She was so fond of you ... she even asked me to learn something from you. You are so soft-spoken ... and she wanted me to be so too. But I did not. And she left me ... In some way, I hated you for it. I blamed you for everything ...'
Shreya did not say anything. The first drops of tears trickled down her face. Natasha continued. She had no idea what else she could do.
`Mom left me. And you were there ... the living example of what my mom wanted me to be like. I felt like it was my fault that she left. That if I was more like you, she would have loved me. And so, she would not have left me. But I failed. I could not be like you. You are perfect. So I had to make you a little imperfect ...'
Shreya still did not say anything. Her sobs were getting a little harder and louder. Natasha's tears made their presence felt too. She said, `I realised later that it was a heinous thing to do, but the harm was done. I had already done it all. But if it is any consolation-I regret it deeply. I now realize how big a deal it must have been, for your parents to find hidden dirty magazines in your bag. You must have had a very difficult time because of that.'
Shreya suddenly started to cry like a baby. Her sobs got a little uncontrollable. Natasha panicked. `But I am sorry, Shreya. I was a mean person. And what I did was in no way justified. I know that I have hurt you, but I promise you that it will never happen again. I know I do not deserve to be forgiven, but I hope that you ...'
Shreya sniffed in. She said meekly, `Get out.'
`What?'
`Get out of here, Natasha. Leave me alone.'
`I'm sorry for what I did, Shreya. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I'll ... look forward to talking to you . . .' Natasha whispered, a little scared.
justgo.'
For the next few hours, Natasha was unsettled and disturbed. She could do practically nothing. Her whole world was hanging by a thread. It's amazing how everything seems so completely worthless without some special people in your life. Like what guys do when they are in a relationship. They love her, and she loves them. That is settled. But they don't give her enough time. Work is also important. They prefer hanging around with their guy friends to catch a soccer match. Guys' night outs and endless bottles of beers seem more interesting.
But if she leaves ... they don't feel like working. They simply cannot concentrate. Soccer seems like the stupidest thing on the planet. What is so awesome in watching a bunch of guys in red half pants and another bunch of guys in yellow half pants run around a field, for a ball? What is the whole sense of seeing the ball being kicked into a net-covered goal post? And of drinking beer?
Some people give meaning to our lives. Without them, nothing seems okay. Life seems useless. It does not really make sense at all times. And it is not supposed to. The matters of the heart are way too twisted.
Natasha was amazed by how quickly Shreya had become such an integral part of her life. She could not imagine what would happen to her if Shreya decided not to forgive her ever. She was shaking. The thought of ending things with her for the second time, and forever, gave her the shivers.
She sat holding her phone, her tear-filled eyes fixed on its display. But the phone never rang. She could not sleep that night. She just kept changing positions, wondering what the next day would bring. She cried through the night. She was sad, she was angry and she was frustrated.
When she entered her classroom, her eyes automatically went to Shreya's seat. She was not there. That was hardly surprising. Natasha had not expected her to come. She had gone to school just in case Shreya came. But she didn't. Her day was a waste. When the school ended, she made her way to her car. There, in the parking lot, she saw him. Rana.
He was standing there with a few other guys-Yuvraj, Naman and Rishab. What surprised her more was her own reaction to seeing Rana. She felt ... nothing. Not sadness, not regret, nothing. To her, he looked like just another guy. He did not even seem hot to her anymore.
Rana, at best, was okay-looking. He had an average built, average looks and average appeal. And a rotten heart, she had gotten to know by personal experience. But to Natasha, he had once been better than Brad Pitt. She had thought that she loved him. But when she saw him then, she realized that what she had mistaken as love was just another fleeting emotion of attraction.
She would not have felt nothing had she loved him even a teeny bit. She smiled to herself and went to her car. Without sparing him a second glance, she left the school campus. He did not deserve even a glance. He had put her call on loudspeaker, in front of zillions of his friends. He deserved nothing.
atasha was still sleeping when there was a knock on her room's door. `Come in,' she called, thinking that it must be the maid. She turned to the other side and shut her eyes again. It had been a long night of tossing and turning. She had finally fallen asleep at the break of dawn. She was in no mood to wake up yet.
`Wake up,' she heard Shreya's voice say. As soon as she realized that it was Shreya, she sat up on her bed with a jump.
`You? I, uh ... Hi ... Shreya,' Natasha said. She could not believe what she was seeing. In the depths of the night, she had convinced herself that it was over between them. When sleep was out of question, and she kept changing positions in her bed, she realized how difficult it would be for anyone to forgive and forget after that level of betrayal. Had it been the other way round, Natasha would never have been able to do that.
But it was Shreya. And her being in Natasha's room the next morning could only mean good news. Natasha's heart soared. The feeling of helplessness, of misery that she had felt the previous night finally left. She looked at Shreya with hope. But Shreya was acting weird. She acted as if Natasha had never confessed anything and as if things were the same as they had been the day before. It increased Natasha's anticipation.
`Hi. These weren't here the last time, were they?' Shreya looked around the room, at the pictures covering the wall and the table tops. Natasha had repositioned them to more prominent places. It reminded her that she had a friend.
`Uh, yes . . . they were. I just repositioned them.' Natasha said.
`You did? Why?' Shreya asked innocently.
`Just ... felt like. No reason.'
`You need to be honest with me, Natasha. You cannot answer a question as simple as that truthfully?'
`I just wanted them there. They make me happy. They make me think about you and that brings a smile to my face. I wanted you around even when you weren't,' Natasha said in a rush.
`Hmm,' Shreya seemed to think about it for a minute before a
sking. `You wanted me around?'
`You are the only true friend I ever had. You are the only person who genuinely cared about me. I know what I did was really shitty, but ... I just hope that you can forgive me. Because it's you. You are the only person I can expect forgiveness from, even after doing all that to you. No one else is so sweet.'
Shreya went ahead and hugged Natasha wordlessly. But not before Natasha noticed a sheen of tears in her eyes. Natasha hugged her back, still not daring to believe that it was actually happening. `Does this ... does this mean that I am forgiven?' she asked meekly.
Shreya pulled back to look at Natasha and said, `Only if you promise to be truthful to me always. No matter what it is, you have to tell me everything. No lies. No secrets. And we will be back to being best friends.'
`I promise. Whatever you want. I will never lie to you. And I will tell you everything.'
And there were no tears. They spent the day at Natasha's place, catching up. They had loads to talk about. They lost track of time. It was when Natasha's phone started to ring that they looked up.
`Crap. Look at the time! I have to go home,' Shreya exclaimed.
`Shut up. You are not going anywhere yet,' Natasha said and rushed to fetch her phone. `Dad.' She knew it would be bad news. Recently, every conversation she had with her Dad revolved around one topic-her mother. She picked it up.
`Why are you so lost?' Shreya asked her the next day at school.
`Huh?' Natasha said, coming out of her parallel world.
`Why are you so lost?'
`I'm just concentrating on the lecture.'
Shreya gave her a look and did not speak to her for the rest of the class. Natasha kept concentrating on the lecture.
`You know you have to tell me sometime, don't you?' Shreya said. Two classes had passed and Natasha was still acting weird. All through lunchtime, she had played with the food on her plate, eating like a bird. Shreya was getting concerned.
`It's nothing,' Natasha said.
`I will pick my plate and leave right now if you don't tell. We had a rule, remember? You can't keep secrets from me.
`I don't think you will understand ...'
`I might. Just tell me,' Shreya said.
`My mother wants to move back with us. She suddenly says that she loves us and misses us, and that it was her fault. That she never should have left. She is asking me to forgive her and forget everything. Because she loves me and cares about me. She wants to be my mom again.'
`So ... isn't that a good thing?'
Are you crazy? She is bluffing! I don't know why she wants to come back. . .'Natasha said. She was angry. Her eyebrows were creased.
`Do you think there is an ulterior motive?'
`Because there has to be. Why would she want to come back otherwise?'
`Maybe she is telling the truth? Maybe she does realize her fault and wants to come back?' Shreya suggested softly.
`She does not. Trust me. Had she loved me, she would not have left me, in the first place.'
`Maybe she realizes her mistake now. That's what she said, didn't she? Maybe that's true. She wants to set things right and she wants your forgiveness.'
`Forgiveness? After what she did to me? How can I forgive her?' Natasha let out.
`Like I forgave you,' Shreya said gently.
`But I am not you. I cannot forgive her. I cannot forget. I do not have that big a heart.'
`You can at least try.'
`I don't want to try. I do not want to open myself to hurt again. I can't show that I still care. She would just take advantage of my vulnerability again,' Natasha said.
`But you still care?'
,of course, I still care! She is my mother. Tell me how to not care?'
`Then give her a chance. Talk to her and let her explain herself once,' Shreya suggested.
`I don't want to meet her. Dad called yesterday to say the same thing. Meet her. Apparently, she wants to talk to me. As if I would ever-'
`Meet her. Give her a chance. She left you once, she regrets it and she wants to come back. I don't see anything wrong with giving her a chance.'
`That's not all, Shreya . . . You don't know the real reason ... You don't know why she left. ..' Natasha said.
`Tell me.'
`I think there was another man. I think she was having an affair,' Natasha said with her eyes lowered. She was ashamed for a moment.
`Why do you think ... ?' Shreya asked quietly.
`I heard Dad talk to her on phone once, a little while after she left ... I could hear just his end of the conversation. And I gathered ... Dad would never tell me.'
`Did you ask her?'
`No. I asked Dad. He did not tell me. He said he could not answer that question,' Natasha said.
They did not discuss it anymore. Soon, the bell rang and they went back to class. Shreya kept shooting concerned looks at Natasha all through the lectures. Even though Natasha was not in a good mood, she felt nice. Someone cared. School ended, but Natasha still had a rotten look on her face.
`Let it go, Natasha. Stop thinking about it now,' Shreya said.
`I am trying. But I just can't seem to get it out of my head.'
`Distraction! We have two days left for the final round of the quiz. We practically do not have any time for anything else.'
`Oh, yes. The quiz,' Natasha said. She had forgotten all about the quiz. Her aim was beating Ananya and her team. That done, she was not interested in the whole thing anymore.
`Why don't you sound interested about it?' Shreya asked.
`Because I am not. It's a stupid quiz. There is nothing interesting in it.'
`Listen to yourself? This is not just any stupid quiz. Didn't you see how badly everyone in class tried for it? This is a big deal,' Shreya said. `I mean, even if we lose, we get a participation certificate from IIT. That's a big deal in itself.'
`I think I will be happy with just the participation certificate. We do not need to actually win.'
`But I want to! We need to try our best. Not everyone gets such a chance.'
`Whatever. I am not going to study for it anymore. I'm done,' Natasha said. But nothing could quench Shreya's excitement. She was thrilled about it. Initially, right after they had won the second round, Natasha was thrilled too. But it had more to do with the fact of Ananya's loss rather than her own win.
As Shreya rattled on about the quiz, Natasha looked around. They were in the school parking lot by then. Something caught her eye-at the other end, she saw Ananya standing with Yuvraj and Rishab. They seemed immersed in conversation. That confused Natasha. After everything, Rishab and Yuvraj were still friends. How?
Just then, Ananya looked up and saw Natasha and Shreya. Natasha turned away and made her way to her car. But Ananya came up to her and called from behind.
`Natasha! Can I talk to you for a minute?' she said.
Natasha and Shreya stopped and turned around to face her.
`Hi, Shreya,' Ananya said.
`Hi, Ananya. What's up?' Shreya said.
'Actually, I needed to talk to Natasha in private for a minute. Do you mind ... ?'
`I mind,' Natasha interjected. `Shreya is not going anywhere. Say whatever you want to say in front of her.'
`Oh ... okay,' Ananya said and looked a bit uncomfortable. `I just wanted to say ... about what we talked about, the other day ...'
`The videos? Yes, I remember. What about them?' Natasha asked.
`Things have been a little strained between me and Yuvraj already-'
`Why? Did he find about you planning to cheat on him?'
`Would you just stop? I know you fed Yuvraj a story about me and Rishab the other day. And I'm sure you'd like to know-that caused a lot of problems,' Ananya said.
`You're right. That definitely makes me happy.'
`But you were wrong. It was nothing like that. It's not like that between me and Rishab.'
`Then what is it like?' Natasha asked.
`He still has feelings for me. But that's
sorted now too. He understands what I have for Yuvraj.'
'Aww! How sweet,' Natasha mocked.
`Natasha, I would really appreciate it if you do not cause any further trouble.'
`I don't care about what you appreciate and what you don't. Your story was really touching, but I have had enough. Ciao.'
With that, Natasha turned around and left. Ananya did not try to stop her. Natasha understood what kind of a blow it must have been to Ananya's ego to have approached her in the first place. And that was probably all she could do. Her self-respect would not let her bend in front of Natasha again and again.
`What was that all about?' Shreya asked.
Natasha sighed. With their no lies, no secrets rule, she knew she had no other option. And she knew Shreya would be against the whole idea. She told her.
`So are you going to ... what are you going to do with the video?' Shreya asked slowly.
`I'll make sure every person in the school sees every second of it. Especially the teachers. I will destroy that girl,' Natasha replied, with untainted loathing in her face.
`Oh my God! No! You are not going to do that! Ananya is a nice girl. Trust me. I know,' Shreya exclaimed.
`Why not?'
`Because I don't want Ananya to end up like me. Imagine what will happen to her if her parents get to know about the video, which they will. Do you want her go through the same thing that I went through?' Shreya looked at Natasha and asked.
`But you were innocent, she is not,' Natasha reasoned, feeling guilty at the same time.
`No one deserves what you will do to her,' Shreya said.
`I will think about it.'
Natasha did not try to reason with her. Their no lies, no secrets rule allowed her to do something first and tell Shreya about it later. She did not need to tell her what she was going to do before she did it. She was definitely going to do it. Or not. She had still not decided.
he sat down in her mother's living room and looked around. Everywhere she saw, there was just her face staring back. There were pictures of her everywhere. And they were from all times ... of when she was born till the present. She looked at them. She wondered if it was a ploy to make her believe that she loved her. She steeled her heart for what was to come.