by Thalia Lake
I was inconsolable after my date with Roman. Being with him unleashed long-suppressed feelings that I had kept buried deep inside of me for many years. I’d dated over the years, but the relationships were always casual and for convenience. There was always something in it for me, be it a roof over my head, living a certain lifestyle, or financing my drug habit. I never loved any of those men or had any kind of feelings for them. My heart was too hardened for that, and they weren’t the kind of men I’d ever give my heart to anyway. In walked Roman Mancini, and he singlehandedly flipped my world upside down. He was successful in a legitimate way, he’s handsome in a rugged yet rough-around-the-edges way, and he’s a man in every sense of the word. He can be arrogant and demanding one moment, and then turn around and be caring, sensitive, and very passionate the next. Roman is the first man to make me want something more out of life, and he’s the first man that I actually saw myself having a future with. When I was younger and escorting, it was all make believe. Nothing mattered to me but the money. I allowed myself to be mistreated, to a certain extent, by my clients because of how well they paid me. Roman, on the other hand, treated me like a lady and with respect. He never treated me as though I were beneath him. The way my body reacted to his touch, to his very presence, never happened to me before with any other man. The attraction I feel towards him is much too strong for me to ignore. Tonight was supposed to be another make believe night, but Roman unknowingly showed me that I could be happy. He showed me that I am worthy of respect and affection, and Lord knows I want it. But how could I have a future with anyone when my past constantly haunted me? I would bring nothing but chaos and pain to him, and I didn’t want to do that. I was tired of hurting people. The fact that he wanted to see me again on a more personal level tore me apart because I already know what the outcome would be: me hurting him. When Sandy met me in the foyer after Roman dropped me off, I crumbled. There was nothing she could say or do to make the tears stop.
“I have to go Sandy. I have to get out of here,” I sobbed as I got up from her sofa and headed towards the stairs to go to my room.
“Wait, Sarah, where are you going?”
“I don’t know, but I have to get out of here. I’ve got to get my life together.”
I tried my best to get up the stairs as fast as my form-fitting gown would allow me with Sandy right on my heels.
As soon as I got to my room, I got out of my gown, took all the jewelry off, and put it all on the bed. I pulled on my jeans and a T-shirt and slipped on my tennis shoes. I began taking the few clothes I had out of my dresser drawers, and I put them in the large garbage bag that I came to Sandy’s house with.
Sandy stood by the bedroom door watching me, looking helpless. She knew there was nothing she could say to stop me.
“Let me at least get you a suitcase.”
Sandy ran down the hall to her bedroom and came back with one of her nice suitcases and sat it on top of my bed.
“Thanks,” I said as I began to pack my things in it. After I collected all of my toiletries out of the bathroom, I threw my hair into a ponytail with a scrunchie, and I closed the suitcase and headed downstairs.
“Sarah, where are you going? At least let me take you,” Sandy begged with tears streaming down her face.
“I don’t know…” I started to say, then it clicked. Sloane. I needed my baby sister. Sloane had offered to help me and told me when I was ready to get my life together with no bullshit, that she’d help me. I felt like I was finally ready to take that step.
“Take me to Sloane’s house,” I simply stated.
Sandy grabbed her keys, slipped on her flip-flops and drove me to my sister’s brand-new house that she and Luca moved into shortly after they were married. It began to storm, and the rain was coming down in buckets. Sandy drove carefully and slowly, but she got me to Sloane’s home. Before I got out of the car, I thanked her.
“I know you don’t understand what I’m doing, but I want you to know that I’m doing this so I can finally heal. I will be eternally grateful to you, Sandy, for helping me get clean. That wasn’t easy, but you stuck with me every step of the way and I love you for it. I have a lot of issues that I need to deal with so I can move forward in my life. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of being unhappy. So, with the help of my baby sister, I’m going to try to tackle them.” At this point Sandy and I were both crying.
“You do what you have to do to get better, Sarah. You need your family, and I really hope you and Sloane can work things out. I just want you to be well and happy. I need you to promise me two things: First, promise me you’ll go to AA and narcotics meetings, and second, promise me that you won’t become a stranger.”
I shook my head in agreement and said through tears, “I promise, Sandy. I promise I will do both.”
Sandy reached out to hug me tightly, and I hugged her back. “I’m going to call you and keep you posted on everything. I promise.” I got out of the car and closed the door and got my suitcase out of the back seat. I waved to Sandy one last time before I walked up the winding pathway to Sloane’s front door. When Sloane answered the door her eyes widened in surprise and I immediately began to sob.
“I need help, Sloane. I can’t keep living this way. I feel like I’m dying. Help me, Sloane…please help me.”
My sister instantly pulled me into her arms and inside of her home and out of the rain. I lay in her arms on her couch the entire night crying my eyes out while Sloane cried with me. Luca brought us blankets and pillows and left us there. I cried myself to sleep in my sister’s arms.
The next morning I woke up to find Sloane gone but I was tucked in like a baby with blankets and pillows. The mouthwatering aroma of bacon, sausage, and pancakes woke me up out of my deep sleep, and I got up to follow the smell. I knew I looked a hot mess with makeup all over my face, my hair halfway in a ponytail, and my eyes puffy from crying so much that they were practically swollen shut. Sloane was standing at the range top cooking and Luca was sitting at the breakfast nook drinking coffee and reading his paper. Sloane noticed me first and turned around and smiled at me. When I took in her form I noticed the slight roundness of her stomach. I kept staring at it to make sure it wasn’t just the oversized T-shirt she was wearing to make her look that way. Then it hit me: Oh my god, she’s pregnant!
“Sloane…you’re pregnant!” I squealed in a froggy voice. Her smile got bigger and Luca looked up and smiled as well. He had proud papa written all over his face.
“Yup, we’re pregnant,” Sloane beamed.
“Congratulations!” I said, hugging her.
“Thank you,” she whispered, in my ear.
When we pulled back from our hug I looked at Luca. I had to apologize to him before it killed me.
“Luca, I’m sorry for barging in here last night. And I’m sorry for crashing your rehearsal dinner. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed.”
“Thank you, Sarah, but all is forgiven,” Luca kindly stated.
“You came here for a reason, and if it’s because you’re ready to get help, then you’re more than welcome to stay,” Sloane added as she held my face in her hands.
Nodding my head in agreement, I whispered, “I’m ready, Sloane. I can’t go on like this.”
“Let’s eat some breakfast, then you can take a shower or bath, whichever you prefer, and we can talk about your options for getting help, and then maybe spend some sister time together. I miss you, Sarah. I miss my big sister,” Sloane said, with watery eyes. “And it’s not just pregnancy hormones that have me all sappy,” she added.
I hugged her extra tight. “Aww, sweetie, I’ve missed you too, so, so much.”
I glanced at Luca who was smiling at us proudly. Then he mouthed, “Her hormones have her crying all the time.”
I had to suppress a laugh and looked away from him.
We sat and had a hearty breakfast thanks to Sloane cooking entirely too much food. Her appetite was picking up and Luca said she was making up for lost time from w
hen everything seemed to make her nauseous. We kept the conversation lighthearted and relaxed as much as possible even though at times there were periods of awkward silence.
After breakfast I decided to take a shower and wash my hair. When I was finally finished, I went downstairs and found Sloane sitting in the sunroom looking through baby furniture magazines.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, as she looked up at me.
“Better. Cleaner,” I said, as I plopped down on the couch next to her. “Pregnancy agrees with you. You look beautiful and you’re glowing.”
“Did you just compliment me?”
“Don’t start, Sloane. Take the compliment and roll with it,” I warned, rolling my eyes at her.
Sloane laughed and then mumbled. “There’s a first time for everything, I guess.”
That earned her a slap on her leg from me.
“Ouch! What was that for? You know it’s the truth!” Sloane laughed.
“Sloane, I need to get serious with you for a minute,” I said, looking in her eyes.
“Okay,” came her tentative response.
“I stayed away from you and our family because I didn’t feel like anyone would care that I wasn’t around anymore. There are things about me that many of you don’t know,” I said, lowering my head. “One of those things is me becoming an escort right out of high school.”
I looked up in enough time to see Sloane’s eyes became big and her mouth drop open.
“I wasn’t having sex with them, I wasn’t a prostitute. This was high-class escorting, mostly older businessmen who needed a date to black-tie functions and things like that. Some just wanted companionship, and they paid very well. My friend Sandy from high school told me about it, I needed money desperately with rent and other bills due, so I did it. It was the easiest money I’ve ever made in my life, so I kept doing it off and on over the years.”
I paused to allow Sloane to take in what I had just shared with her. It’s not every day that you hear that your big sister was an escort for years.
“I’m still listening...” Sloane said hesitantly. She took a deep breath as she prepared herself for the other shoe to drop.
I took a deep breath as well and continued. “During that time I got introduced to drugs and I started to drink heavily, mostly to dull the pain that I felt. I became a functioning drug addict. Cocaine mostly.”
“Oh my God, Sarah,” Sloane choked.
“Junior and Michael were the only two people who knew this about me, and eventually Mama found out about it too. Junior and Michael were who I called when I was too messed up to get home on my own or if I was in trouble.”
“Sarah, you’re my sister! You know I would have helped you no matter what, no matter what our differences are!” Sloane said, angrily.
“Sloane, you had too much going for you at that time to be bothered with me and my issues. And we haven’t been in a good place in our relationship for a long time. I thought you hated my guts to be honest, and Lord knows I gave you plenty of reasons to hate me, so I stayed away. I didn’t hate you, I’ve always been very proud of you.”
Sloane looked at me for a long moment before covering her face. I knew she was crying. “I’m so pissed right now, Sarah, it’s not even funny,” she whispered. “We’ve wasted so much time, so many years, on misunderstandings. I’m not excusing you sleeping with my boyfriends - that’s still just plain dirty, but damn, Sarah...what if something had happened to you while you were out there? If you had died…it would have crushed me because you would have died without us resolving our differences. I know it would have been just as much my fault as yours because I could have reached out to you as well to patch things up.” Sloane took a moment to get up and get some tissue so she could blow her nose and wipe her face.
“You’re right, Baby Girl. You’re absolutely right, and that’s why I’m here now. I want to make things right with us before anything happens to either of us. I’ve always loved you, Sloane, I never hated you. I’ve resented you and was jealous of you, but I’ve never hated you. And none of it was your fault, even though I treated you like it was. Messing with your boyfriends - there’s no excuse for any of that. That was very dirty of me, and I’m very sorry and ashamed of myself for even stooping so low. I’m sorry for the years of mistreating you, Sloane. There were things that happened to me in my life that I couldn’t deal with and I took it out on everyone else, especially you. Remember when you said that something happened to me that made me change?”
“Yeah.”
“Well you were right. Something happened to me in high school that I’ve never told another soul.”
“You can tell me anything, Sarah. I’ve never had a big mouth and could always keep secrets,” Sloane reassured me.
“I know you can, and I trust you. My junior year in high school I was raped by my gym teacher in gym class while everyone else was outside.”
“No, Sarah…” Sloane sobbed, as she took my hands inside of her own.
The tears began to fall down my cheeks as I finally let this burden go. I told Sloane about the entire rape from start to finish and how I bought a switchblade from the pawn shop and carried it with me everywhere I went.
“I can’t believe you kept that to yourself all these years, Sarah. I understand not telling our parents, who by the way, should have been the very people you confided in first if they were normal parents, but to not even tell Carly or me? We would have at least been there for you.”
“You were a kid back then Sloane, and I didn’t want to burden Carly with my problems when she was still trying to deal with her own issues because of what our sperm donor did to her. I know internalizing it was the wrong thing to do, but I did what I felt was best, and it changed me forever.”
“The up and down with your weight, your hair falling out. You were depressed. You were depressed and suffering in silence and none of us even knew it,” Sloane said in disbelief, as fresh tears began to fall down her face. “I feel like shit now, Sarah. Excuse my French,” Sloane continued as she got up to get more tissue and handed some to me. “Thank you,” I said as I wiped my nose. “It’s not your fault, Sloane. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping this to myself. I know all of you thought I was a hoe back then. I was still a virgin, Sloane, until that monster ripped that away from me. I was saving myself for marriage. I messed around with boys, but I never spread my legs for any of them. I used to believe in love and happily ever after, meeting and falling in love with the perfect man and getting married and having kids. After I was raped, I didn’t feel it was real anymore. It wasn’t meant for me to have that kind of happiness.”
“I’m so sorry, Sarah...we all thought, we all assumed. It was wrong of us to do that. You came home from school with hickies on your neck and Mama just knew you were having sex. She always said that hickies meant you had sex. When I found out you were messing around with my boyfriends, of course I thought you were nothing but a skank hoe. I couldn’t believe my own sister would do that to me. Then that stuff with our father…” Sloane trailed off.
“Speaking of him, we need to talk about that whole incident. I don’t know what Mama told you, Sloane, but it was not some ongoing affair like she thought. She only heard bits and pieces of our conversation, and what she heard was us arguing about what he tried to do, which by the way, I would never be so sick and demented to do with my own father.”
“Don’t tell me he tried to…with you…”
“He did. We were both getting high in the garage. We were doing all kinds of drugs, mixing things that I know we shouldn’t have mixed together, so I was completely out of it, and so was he. He started tickling me and then chased me into the house. I ran into his bedroom, he tackled me on the bed, and that’s when he tried to take advantage of me. But I promise to God nothing happened Sloane. When I told his ass off he got mad and started talking shit about Carly, and I lost it. I pulled my knife on him.”
“Are you serious Sarah?”
Sloane
’s eyes were big as saucers now.
“I’m dead serious. When Mama confronted us about it, that’s when I realized that she misunderstood everything she heard. I wanted to tell her the whole story, but you know how Mama gets when she’s really pissed. There’s no reasoning with her, there’s no calming her down, and her mind was already made up. So I just stood there and took her venom and I left and never went back. I haven’t spoken to either one of them since.”
“I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. I’m so sorry that I took one side of the story and ran with it and used it to build an even bigger wedge between us, Sarah. Mama called me at work all hysterical and needed someone to talk to…God, why does our family have to have so much drama all the time? Everything that happens is so divisive and I want to end that, especially between us. I’m so sorry for thinking less of you, but I must say, you didn’t make it easy for any of us to get close to you. Now I know why. I was so busy being wrapped up in my own problems and issues that I didn’t stop to think, let alone ask how you were doing. Even if you pushed me away, I should have tried harder.”
“Don’t apologize, Sloane. What’s done is done, and we all did what we thought was right at the time. Me, you, Junior, Michael, Carly, and Evan. We all suffered through our personal hells in our own way. I’m just tired of suffering. I want to have a normal life. I need to be proud of myself for once so I can stop hating myself.”
Sloane looked at me as the truth of my words sunk into the both of us. She was now wiping away more tears when she whispered, “Wow. Those are powerful words, Sarah. You are the most confident person I know, so to hear that you hate yourself - that’s hard to hear.”
“But it’s the truth, and I’m tired of hiding and faking how I really feel.”
Sloane reached for a pen and paper off of the coffee table and began to write something down. She handed the paper to me. “This is the name and number to my therapist,” she said. “Her name is Dr. Caroline Peters, and if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t be in the position to be married to a wonderful man and pregnant with his child. I had a lot of pent-up anger and emotional issues that Dr. Peters helped me to deal with, and it’s allowed me to be in the wonderful place I’m in right now. Talking to her and working through all that troubles you, will give you the peace of mind you so desperately need, Sarah. If you want, I can call her and make an appointment for you.”