Feels like another nice day. Hmmm, wonder if its the same mockingbird? What do they like to eat? Pet store. Maybe get to one later. Finches are nice too. See if they eat the same food. Well … up and atem.
Nothing like a hot shower. What an invention. One of the finest gifts of civilization. Hot shower, cold rinse. In summer anyway. Sometimes winter. Brisk rub with towel. Ready to go. Great thing about summer is air drying. Ohh, thats great. Tarzan air dried. Waterfall for shower, lakes and rivers for a tub. Look out for those crocagators. They will definitely alter your anatomy. Haha, I like that one, alter your anatomy. Chew you into little pieces. Always someone on the top of the waterfall, spying and scheming. Some of those Bwanas were almost as bad as Barnard. The natives knew better than to screw around with Tarzan. He was one bad dude. Lions, rhinos, just him and his knife. Great penthouse and elevator. Wouldnt last long in Brooklyn. Busted for indecent exposure. Me Tarzan, you Judge. That is absolutely correct, and you are going to do sixty days. Try dressing as Beau Brummel the next time. Next case! Hey, he was the first hippie. Peace and Love Tarz. No, not now. Call later. Plenty of time. Thats right. Absolutely right. Its all up to me. Call him now or later. Pirate Jenny knew. From mockingbirds to showers, to Tarzan, to Pirate Jenny. Perfect sense. Beautiful day and all makes sense. Haha, even the senseless. Thank god no ones listening. Im listening to my stomach. Been a while since Ive had breakfast at the deli. Yeah. Get a paper. Relax. Of course I can look at the phone. Not going to spend the rest of the day standing here staring at it. When I want to.
Oh, feel that air. Even smells good. Mustve been smoking Tarzans banana skins. It does smell good though. Maybe the birds were eating the same skins. They like the air. Singing their asses off. Air feels good on my skin. Walking makes you aware of being alive. Legs move, feet go up and down … and forward, heartbeats, lungs breathe in air … and exhaust fumes, and smog, and other forms of pollution. Keeps us alive. Bodies need poison. Withdrawals without it. Toxin-free airs a killer. Trade places with a Hunza and we/d both drop dead. Can deal with this. This air, no pollution, crystal clean water, apricot pits. No thanks. Not even a bagel with lox and cream cheese. Thats not living. Pizza. Egg rolls. Cafe latte. I prefer civilization. I am a civilized man. Product of. Member of. Endorser of. Proponent of. Proselytizer for. The simple and ecstatic pleasure of civilization. Like so: I feel the air and sunshine around me, feel the warmth of my blood from walking, push open the doors and feel the cool air, smell the food, uuummmmm, hear the clatter and chatter, see and feel the hustle and bustle. Ahh, civilization, I embrace you.
One?
Yes, just one.
You ready to order?
Yes. A couple of eggs, hash browns, seeded roll, and a cafe latte.
How do you want your eggs?
Bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking me right in the eye … You have a beautiful smile.
Thank you. Want any juice or fruit?
No. No thanks.
Coffee right away?
Yes, please.
Coming right up.
Same old headlines. Ah, there is good news, the Dodgers lost again. Three in a row, 5 out of 7. I knew I was supposed to buy a paper today. Oh great, they blew a 2 run lead in the ninth. This guy sounds surprised. Now thats amazing. Thought I felt as good as I could this morning, yet I feel even better now. Does that mean theres no limit to how good you can feel? I guess. Within limits. Maybe you just feel better and better until you explode? Never heard of it. Always something kicks in. Then down the tubes. Never feel too good. Maybe thats craziness. Feel so good your mind explodes. Cant handle it. How come you can feel worse and worse? No matter how bad you feel you can always feel worse. A rotten arrangement. Sometimes you can assert yourself. Yeah. And bounce up. You see the problem and know what to do. Its like life is right with you. Feel bad and everything goes wrong until you lose your mind. Feel good and everything goes right BUT you dont have to lose your mind. You dont have to let life drag you down, again. Yeah, thats it. People bounce back and forth, up and down, feel good, feel bad, because they have not really identified the problem in their lives, they are the puppets of life rather than the masters of their own existence. Thats where they make their mistake. They let life push them up until theres no place to go but down, kaflosh. The Black Hole of Calcutta. The Pits. No equilibrium. Avoid extremes. Excess is the problem. Balance the answer. Yes. Oh, by all means, Yes! Take all necessary steps to eliminate the problem. No matter what its form. Animal, vegetable or mineral. Life is made up of zillions of individuals. Some create an excessive imbalance. Most of us a little this way a little that way … hey, it all evens out. Not with everyone. Some far exceed all acceptable limits. Thats the problem. Yes. Yes indeed. Must be corrected. There are a few whose destiny it is to help bring about that balance. Those who have been ordained to be a part of the answer and help eliminate those who are so severely ‘out of balance’. Like a surgeon. If an infected limb threatens the life of the entire being, then the limb must be amputated. All agree. Life must go on at all costs. Life will always see to that. No one applies for the job. Life appoints them. Perhaps not all accept. Who knows how many? Cant tell. I have accepted. Fully. Totally. I will fulfill my commitment to life.
The man has become aware that he has been appointed to pursue a mission, one that he has already embarked upon with dispatch and great enjoyment. That is the fact that we need to concentrate on. Look at the expression of his shoulders as he walks home, slapping the folded paper against his leg. What remarkable energy, and lack of swagger. The very nature of his walk indicates a great humility. He enters his house and tosses the paper on the couch, looks at the phone for a moment, then shakes his head.
Later. Much too early. There, or not there, doesnt prove anything. Just have to call again later. Bad idea. Same voice on the other end. Will recognize the same voice calling over and over. Nothing suspicious. Nothing out of the ordinary. Must stay in tune with the higher order that is guiding me. Now Im not sure what I thought before. Justified? Yes. By all means. Yes. Emphatically. Knew it was necessary. Desperately needed. How else to balance the evil committed by one man to so many? Absolutely: Justified! Necessary! No qualms. No guilt. Do what is needed. But now???? Dont know. Somethings changed. Dont really know what … or how … Not really. Feel different … somehow. But feels good. Enough for now. Yeah, too soon to know whats really happening. But somethings gnawing at me. Like something on the tip of your tongue. Like something wants me to know. Is trying to tell me. I can smell it. Taste it. Feel lighter somehow. Weird. Dont feel like Ive lost anything. Actually … yeah, feels like somethings added. Oh, oh, oh. Seems crazy—No, it doesnt. Feels sane. How can that be? How can I feel sane? Never thought like that before. Sane. What does that mean? Feels so right though. I feel sane. Like really simple. Nothing exciting … or … or weird like. Just sane. Scary. Arent you nuts if you feel sane? Sane. Never thought of this before. Doesnt make sense now that I think about it. How can feeling sane mean youre crazy? Okay, okay. Enough of this goofiness. If ev—Webster. Yeah. He/ll know. Lets see … okay, here we go … sand-worm, sand-wort, sandy … sandy, consisting of, containing, or sprinkled with sand. Well now, who would have thought. Thats interesting. So, sane, free from disease: HEALTHY, mentally sound, able to anticipate and appraise the effect of one’s actions. Not a word about being nuts if you feel sane. Still not sure why that word came to mind. Seems like I felt something was missing.. Like what??? lets see … whats missing, whats … of course, not hysterical. Yeah! Sane. No hysteria. I certainly can anticipate and appraise the effect of my actions. Yeah, youre damn right I can. Absolutely. No hysteria. So … haha, this is so funny. Goofy. Spending all this time wondering about feeling sane. Sure felt nuts enough. I/ll take this. No hysteria. Absolutely. Must remain anonymous. Utmost importance. No ego boost. Killer. Need to prove something. Revenge. Real trap. Let the world know what I did. Hysteria. Death. Stupid. Truly stupid. Sacrifice yourself for revenge. Starting to make sense. Yeah. Okay
… Yeah … does seem easier. Almost like its out of my hands. Hmmm … Strange. All strange. But feels so right. Yeah … Yeah, leave it alone. Just let it come. Pushing leads to hysteria. It/ll come. Strong sense, I/ll see when I need to see. Good time to get to work. Yeah, my sweetheart, time to turn you on. Yes, yes, yes, a little work and then, perhaps, a phone call. When Im ready.
Ohh, must have been at this a long time, shoulders and neck stiff. Arg, cant rotate them … a little anyway … ohh, thats better. Decompression time. Seems like the machine sucks me right into it sometimes. Like Ive been on a trip. Little disoriented. Yeah, right. Decompression. Dont pop to the surface too soon. Ahh, that feels better. Stretch this, stretch that. Youd think I was an athlete instead of a computer engineer: Maybe chess. Some of those guys run. Prefer walking. In a hurry, drive. Wow, look at the time. Was in there quite a while.
Mr Barnard please.
Mr Barnard isnt in.
Oh … Will he be back soon?
Afraid not. Can I help you with something?
Nooo, afraid not. Really need to speak to him. When is he expected back?
We have no idea. Hes in the hospital.
Hospital? (no, no, no singing, no hallelujahs) Whats wrong with him?
Not sure. Food poisoning maybe.
Sorry (jesus, no laughing) to hear that.’
Can I take a message? Maybe someone else can help you.
No, no thanks.
It may be a while before he gets back.
It can keep.
Oh yes, oh yes, it can keep … And keep and keep and keep. Oh, I should have asked him how he got food poisoning. Probably that nasty coffee shop. Board of Health should shut that place down. Maybe he/ll sue them. Or his heirs. Heirs and assigns, heirs and assigns. What a day, what a day. ‘Oh what a beautiful morning’, morning, afternoon whats the difference, the Dodgers lost again and Barnards in the hospital Oh happy days are here again. Whoa, better quiet down a bit, the neighbors might wonder what all the noise is about. Too early for a party, might think someone is killing me. Im killing me. This is so wonderful … beyond belief, so far beyond belief. I was hoping … trying not to hope but hoping, thinking, thinking, but this is beyond all expectations. I cant ever recall feeling so happy, so elated, so … so solid … so excited … yeah, how incredible … so excited and peaceful. All that work, the research, preparations, administration, the incredible fear and it worked. It all worked. I feel so … so … right, so validated. Yeeaahh validated!!!! Its all coming together. Hes not dead yet, but I know what Im doing. I did it. The culture worked. It worked. I can duplicate it anytime I want. Maybe he is dead by now. Feel like Zorba the Greek dancing, spinning, thats me Zorba … Yes … Val-I-dAted. The gods are smiling and shining. Validate. Vali—no, wait … wait … yeah … Oh yeah, Im not just validated, Im sanctioned. YEAH YEAH YEAH SANCTIONED!!!! Whoa, better plop on the couch and sit for a while, getting dizzy spinning around in circles. Enough of Zorba. Everythings enough. I AM SANCTIONED! Yes! Of course, thats what I was feeling, thats what was on the tip of my tongue, the thing I could taste. Ohh, better start calming down. No hysteria. Sane. Oh how blessed. Indeed. Sanctioned. Okay, okay, let it go … breathe in … breathe out … breathe in … breathe out … Thats it. Slow down. S l o w d o w n … Good. Oh, the paper. Never did read the comics. Thats it. Easy. Just breathe in and out. Yeah … Deserve celebration. Wind down. Paper helps. Meaningless prattle. Page after page. What the hell. Haha, thats really funny. Im reading the obits. Didnt know it. How wonderful. Couldnt write something like that. Whod believe it. Too corny. Never did it. Say first sign of age. Obits. Guess they like to think they won. Still here reading others obits. Yeah. Well I cant wait. Could call the hospital. Later. Dont know theyll tell me hes dead. I guess theyll give him a big spread. He was rotten enough to be praised. Nice black border around it. Maybe in color. Magenta border. Blue type. Oh yeah, flowers and butterflies around the edges. Slugs and leeches would be more appropriate. No, we wont speak ill of the dead. Why bother? Just knowing hes dead is enough. Cold stone dead. So who did die? Hmmm, not one familiar name. All survived by a ‘loving’ somebody. Husband, wife, children, dogs, cats, bill collectors … Amazing how many people love each other in the obits. Easier there than anywhere else. Survived by a dog. Who paid for the obit? ASPCA. With love, Fido. His dog will missim. Hope his wife—widow—celebrates. Not even get a headstone. Dropim in a hole. Yeah … every spouse loves every deceased. You bet. But when they were alive? I can see them looking down on him, laid out in a casket, and saying I love you. Oh yeah. I love you. You make my heart go pitter patter, patter patter, kaflunk. How about a James Earl Jones deep resonant I love you? Works for me. Immolations nuts. Some women jump in his grave. True to the end. What a tradition … sentence. Your husbands dead so burn bitch. Worlds nuts. Control their wives even when dead. Yeah, death can perpetuate tyranny. Create martyrs. Cleanse tyrants. Death is no equalizer. Can be a magnifier. Lot invested in death. Belief systems. After life. Hocus pocus. Let us now extol the virtues of this fine and noble man, who gave so generously and unstintingly of himself to make life easier for others. Who, who … where, where???? Wonder what you feel? Doesnt seem so inviting now. Livings better. Do you hear people crying??? laughing??? the dirt on the box? Too spooky. Deads dead. Well no, hes not dead … yet. Soon. No hurry. Does a coma hurt? Seems painless. Wonder. No, no need to wish that. The act is just, as is the result. Enough. Life goes on. What follows may also be just. His replacement may be just. Possible. No longer has anything to do with me. Im free of him and the torment. May not give me any info. Can call anyway, but … Wonder what makes a man be like that? Cause so much trouble for people. Guess he just doesnt care. Does he know now? Will he ever be aware? Find out when dead? No point. Well, yeah, if reincarnations real. Hows it work, come back as a leper? Gone. No. bells. Come back as an ice cream truck. Yeah … a dingaling. Oh well, Im allowed. Really starting to feel restless. Could walk around the square. Browse. Not tempting. Suddenly sluggish. Lethargic. What the hell???? Ass dragging. Need to eat. Thatll help. Dont really feel like eating. Hungry though. Idea of fixing something or going to a restaurant seems impossible. Like I/d rather starve than bother. Damn. This is nuts. Eyes so heavy. Why in the hell should I be tired? Plenty of energy just a minute ago. Yeah … I guess … but feel too tired to call. In a minute maybe. Dont care. Like, not important. Damn! feeling so great and wham, cant get off the couch. Weighed down. Legs weigh a ton. Jesus, like when I wanted to shoot myself. Well, big difference. But body feels almost the same. No reason to feel so sad. Out of nowhere. Again, wink of an eye. But not depressed. Not truly. Just sluggish. Guess I could order a pizza. Why not? In a minute. Yeah. Better than going out. Yeah, sure, I can call … just not right now He/ll be there in an hour or so. No, of course not. Im not afraid to find out what is happening. Hes either dead or alive and theyll tell me or they wont. Simple. No, not afraid to call. Nothing to fear. Jesus, its no big deal. This is ridiculous. Sit here debating a stupid phone call. Really think Im hungry.
Marios pizza.
Hi. I/d like to order a medium pizza, extra garlic.
Extra garlic.
Yeah.
Thats it, no extra cheese or nothing?
No. Just garlic.
Coke, Pepsi?
No, no. Just the pizza.
Gotchya.Wheres it goin?
626 Selby Avenue.
20, 25 minutes.
Good.
Feels good already. Guess Im hungrier than I thought. Got me looking at the clock already. What the hell. Still in my hand.
Veterans Administration Hospital.
I/d like to find out how a patient is.
What is their name?
Barnard. Mr Barnard.
One moment please …
Are you a member of the family sir?
No. Just a friend.
Mr Barnard is still in Intensive Care.
Is he alright … ? I mean is he … ?
That is all the infor
mation I have sir. You would have to consult with a member of the family.
Oh, I see. Fine. Thank you.
Good evening sir.
So, ICU. Thats not bad. No. Not bad at all. No information. Even better. Not critical. Not dangerous. Not stable. Not anything. Good sign. May not make it through the night. ‘With a little bit of luck, with a little bit of luck, with a little bit of bloomin luck.’ Call tomorrow. Maybe earlier. We/ll see. Wont worry about that. Go to the coffee shop and eavesdrop. Theyll know whats happening. Somebody in his department will know. No secrets there. Wow! Yeah! Maybe the coffee shops closed. Possible. Food poisoning. Could go see. Better not eat there. If he got food poisoning there. Better safe th—Ahh, the pizza.
Well … another day, another dollar, as the saying goes. And as goes Maine so goes the Nation. Right. Right down the tubes. But not today. Ah, today. Its here. So what happens now? Now I get up and pee, then shower, then … then we/ll see what happens. So, theyre still here and still singing. Has to be a good day. Dont think I dreamt. Feel refreshed. Terrific. Finches chirp the basso continuo, the mockingbirds fly with the melody. Hey, thats a good one. Like that. ‘Listen to. the Mockingbird, Listen to the Mockingbird, and the’—I see you pussy cat trying to sneak up on that mockingbird, look out—up, there he goes, up, up and away … Better luck next time—Hey … yeah, I like that. I see you. I C U. Yeah, IC U, IC University. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight on for IC U. Give me an I, give me a C, give me a U. Ra, Ra, Ra!!!! The IC U … IC U what? Spartans? Trojans? Condoms? Not bad. Wildcats? Pussycats? Not macho enough. Come on, Fight, Fight, Fight for ol Pussycats? Yeah, sure. Maybe Razorbacks? Humpbacks? Hey, thats a whale of an idea. Okay, dump that too. Pelicans? Any Pelicans? I dont know. Doesnt seem to sing. Im an IC U Pelican. No pizzazz as they say. Ducks! God, how can anybody want to go to a school to be called a ‘Duck’? A Spartan or Trojan, okay Even Condom. But Duck? Fight on you Duckeepoos. Yeah, killers. Sandcrabs. Lobster backs. Cripples! Hey, thats it, The IC U Crips. Fight on oh mighty Crips, Fight on for IC U. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fight on oh mighty Crips, Fight on for IC U. Yeah … but you dont see me. Nobody sees me. No one did see, has seen, is seeing, will see. No peekaboo, ICU. Not even a masked man who gallops toward the setting sun. Or the rising sun. Depends on the situation. If it takes all night to do in the bad guys. Anyway, he had Tonto. Him honest injun, but better nobody knows. The Shadow do, but Margo Lane???? Better not. Look what happened to Jesse James. John Dillinger. Benny One Ball. Tragic cases, one and all. Guess that pussy cat is going to have to find some mice. Didnt think of that, IC U Rats. Equal rights for rats. Good cause. Dogs. Pussy cats. Horses. Elephants. Eagles. Hairy chested nut scratcher. On and on. Every creature has someone trying to protect it. Even people. But no one cares about rats. The rat of the month club. Wont fly. That cat does alright. Here every day and hes well fed. Yeah … time to get something to eat. Another walk in the early morning light … well, not so early really. But morning. On a roll. Every time I eat there. Comes up roses. Eggs bright eyed and bushy tailed, whole wheat toast, café au lait, and … the paper. Yes, yes indeed. Andiamo.
Waiting Period: A Novel Page 6