“Don’t apologise, Zoe. For anything,” he growled into my ear, his husky, sexy voice reverberating off my neck, causing goose pimples to cover me from head to toe.
“You’re too good for me, Spence. Always have been. The truth is, as much as I don’t want to be, as much as I wish it was different, as much as I wish I could be stronger―I can’t beat this. I feel like I’m choking.”
Without warning, Spencer spun me in his arms and suddenly we were face to face, barely a breath apart. Yet his eyes were stuck on me, gazing deep into my soul. I could feel it in my heart and it set off a swarm of butterflies in my stomach.
“Firstly, stop! Stop thinking so little of yourself. You’ve always done that and honestly, it pisses me off. Secondly, you are strong. Stronger than you know. Stronger than you believe. Right now, after everything you’ve been through, give yourself a break. Zoe, it’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to not be okay right this minute. I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through, but you better believe that if I could take it away, if I could―”
“I know,” I added, threading my fingers through his.
“You can beat this, Pippi. Just give yourself some time. Let your body heal. I mean, look at you. You’re in so much pain but you’re pretending you aren’t. Stop being stubborn Zoe just for a minute. For a minute, just be.”
A giggle bubbled up and escaped. I didn’t want to admit it, especially to Spencer, but he was right. Maybe I was trying to be okay too soon. Forcing it. Maybe I just needed time. Normalcy. Maybe I just needed to get home, get some sleep, and get on with my life. Otherwise he wins. He’d already taken so much from me. If I gave up now, then he’d taken everything. The asshole didn’t deserve that.
“I know,” I admitted, but it came out as breathy whisper.
“Sorry? Didn’t catch that?”
“You…are…right…” I snarled through gritted teeth. It physically hurt me to say the words but what dug the knife in a little deeper was seeing the sly, satisfied smirk crossing his face.
“So, where do we go from here?”
Spencer lifted my hands up before dropping them behind his neck. I couldn’t help but to trace my fingertips up and down the soft, squishy flesh at the back of his neck. His hands settled on my hips and I felt warm all over. I felt my face burn and I wanted to bury my head in his shoulder. I was just afraid that would just make everything worse.
Summoning all my resolve, all my strength, all my determination, and all my stubbornness, I looked up into Spencer’s eyes and I’d never seen him look so calm. “I go home,” I declared resolutely.
“You sure?”
“I have to.”
“Want me to drive?”
The sincerity was etched deeply into his worried features. I knew all I had to do was say yes and he would drive hours out of his way to make sure I got home okay. Without missing a beat, I used the last thread of resilience I possessed. “Thanks, Spencer, but…I think I need to do this on my own. I’ll be fine.” I tried to sound confident but I felt anything but.
“Okay,” Spencer conceded. I knew he didn’t believe me but I was glad he didn’t call me out. I knew under interrogation I’d falter, but he didn’t even query it. He kissed my forehead before hugging me tight. “You ready to head then?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “Let’s do it. Shit! My car…”
“Pippi…breathe. Kane brought your car back. It’s in the driveway and here are your keys.” He grinned, scooping them from the bench and dropping them in my hand.
Hand in hand, we walked out the door and I heard it click shut behind us, but I didn’t give it a second thought. Staring at my car, I could see everything coming back to me. It all seemed too hard. Too overwhelming. Too exhausting. I sucked in a deep breath and unlocked it. My handbag was still on the front seat. Everything was waiting for me. Déjà vu settled over me.
“You can do this.”
It was like he knew I was freaking out without me saying a word. I both hated and loved that he knew me so well. It was intimidating as hell. He was right, though. Deep down I knew he was. I slipped behind the wheel and started the engine, pulling the door shut behind me. The knock at the door startled the shit out of me. Regathering my wits, I wound down the window.
“You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Spencer asked with genuine concern.
“I’m scared,” I admitted honestly. I had never lied to him, I wasn’t about to start now.
“Nothing bad is going to happen to you, Pippi,” he assured me, his voice so strong and confident.
I watched as his eyes darkened and narrowed, and a sad, defeated smile danced on his lips. “Zoe,” he began softly, wrapping my hands in his, “I’ll follow you all the way back to Melbourne if that’s what it takes to make you feel safe.”
I knew better than to argue. I had absolutely no doubt that he’d do exactly that. Spencer wouldn’t hesitate to put his life on hold again and follow me home. I couldn’t let him do it. “I’ll be fine, Spence. But thank you. I mean it. You really would have, though, wouldn’t you?”
“Anytime, Pippi. Anytime.” The sincerity etched on his face left no room for doubt. The only reservation I had was in deserving him. He’d been so good to me―too good―and I’d done nothing to repay him. I couldn’t even think of anything I could do to balance the ledger. I made a mental note that one day…one day I’d find a way. Somehow.
“I can do this, Spence, I know I can,” I promised as I straightened myself in my seat and squeezed my eyes shut. Maybe if I repeated the lie enough, I’d start to believe it.
“I know you can.” He winked and my stomach lurched. I wanted to punch him. God, I wanted to punch him so bad. “Go on, Pippi…get out of here.”
“Thanks, Spencer,” I spluttered, the words choking me.
“Text me when you get home.”
“I will. Promise.”
I backed the car out of the drive and turned onto the road. It was still empty. Not another car in sight. When I paused at the stop sign and glanced in the rearview mirror, I wasn’t surprised to see a truck behind me.
Shaking it off, I flicked on my blinker and took the corner. Ten minutes later I passed the outskirts of town and accelerated down the open road. I know I’d been driving slower than necessary but right now that was the least of my problems. For the moment, I just had to focus on getting out of here. There was still a truck on my tail. Somehow I knew he would be. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I needed him. I needed him there more than I needed my next breath.
“Thank you,” I murmured to myself, steeling myself for what was coming.
As I approached the spot, the exact location everything that irrevocably and irreversibly changed forever, my foot fell from the accelerator unconsciously. I felt my heart beating erratically, threatening to break through my already painful chest. I forgot to breathe and it didn’t take long before black spots blurred my vision. A horn blasted, shaking me from my own nightmare and sent me crashing back into reality. Even though it scared the shit out of me I was glad. I’d started to veer onto the other lane. Thankfully the road was deserted. Well, except for me and my escort. Correcting, I swerved back into my lane and continued on my way.
As scary as it was, it was soon over. I’d got past it. I hadn’t broken down and the world hadn’t ended. Risking a glance in the mirror, I saw the flash of Spencer’s headlights as he started to back off. His truck, which had only moments ago looked so huge, so intimidating in my rearview mirror, was now shrinking into the distance. Once again, Spencer had known. He’d known me and he’d known exactly what I’d needed. I don’t know how I could ever repay him, but I vowed one day I’d find a way.
When Spencer faded into the distance and I couldn’t see him anymore, I turned on the stereo and Bon Jovi’s sexy, crooning voice filled my car. Shaking off my funk, I started singing along as I drove. Loudly.
Chapter 26
SPENCER
“What did that steak eve
r do to you?” a voice asked from behind me, scaring the shit out of me.
Spinning around, I came face to face with a grinning Derek holding a six pack. He’d obviously heard. “Did you smell dinner from your place?”
“Yeah.”
“Bullshit.”
“I may have also heard you knocked Jared ass over tit at training tonight, so when the SOS text came, here I am,” he said with a wicked gleam in his eye. Instantly I knew who had the big mouth. In the mood I was in, I found myself wishing I could kick something. Hard.
“You eating?”
“You offering?”
I just nodded and tossed a couple more sausages on the barbeque. I’d already been cooking enough to feed a small army and now thankfully I wouldn’t have much waste. Derek cracked open a beer and handed it to me. He didn’t need to know about the three I’d already downed in the past half hour. Tonight was just one of those nights.
For a while we just stood staring at the grill, entranced by the flames as they licked and caressed the meat. The smell was intoxicating. My stomach grumbled loudly in appreciation, causing Derek to chuckle loudly. He opened himself a second beer and flopped down into the patio chair before turning his attention back on me.
“So, you gonna tell me?” he began.
“Tell you?”
I wasn’t dumb. I knew exactly why he was there. It didn’t mean I had to make this easy for him, either. I wasn’t a criminal on trial, but I knew at some point he’d use all of his police training to get what he wanted. For now, while I had some semblance of control, I’d make him work for it and enjoy every minute of it.
“Don’t play dumb, Spencer. It doesn’t suit you.” He laughed gruffly at his own joke. “What happened tonight? I mean, I know you’re tough, but you’re supposed to be tough against the opposition, not beat the shit out of your own team mates at training.”
“They pissed me off.”
“How?”
“Usual bullshit.”
“So they were mouthing off, slacking off, and generally having a good time?”
“Yeah, that’s about right.” I knew I was being an asshole. I wasn’t giving away much. It was just more fun this way. Flipping meat provided me with an excuse to avoid his harsh, direct gaze.
“Isn’t it supposed to be fun?”
“Winning is fun.”
“Spencer, cut the crap. It’s just me. No one else will know. So stop trying to be tough and mean and tell me the God damn truth. What the fuck is up your ass?” Frustration rolled off him in waves. I grinned inwardly. I’d managed to push his buttons faster than I’d ever achieved before.
“It’s nothing,” I dismissed casually.
I knew exactly why I was pissed off. Hell, I’d been a monster all week. Knowing it and saying it out loud were two very different things. Part of me―the sensible part, the part that was thinking rationally―knew as soon as I said it out loud it would be real. It was as scary as hell. I didn’t get to be scared. It wasn’t a luxury I could afford.
“Fuck off! It’s nothing. Spit it out,” he half growled. I spun around fast. Too fast. I almost toppled from my feet.
It took me a moment before I was steady once again and my focus snapped back. “Zoe,” I half barked, half moaned.
“Zoe?”
“Yeah.”
Now I’d put it out there all the fury was back with a fucking vengeance. That girl would be the death of me―or her. Right now if I could have gotten my hands on her there was a strong chance I’d wring her perfect little neck. Okay, I probably wouldn’t have, but damn, it felt good just to imagine.
It had taken her barely forty-eight hours to completely turn my world upside down and I didn’t know if I would ever see straight again. Everything looked different. Every time I walked into the kitchen, it seemed too big. Too empty without her perched at the bench drinking a coffee. I’d been stupid. Worse than stupid. I was a fucking imbecile. I should’ve changed the sheets on my bed the moment she left, but I’d been so tired that first night I’d just collapsed. Surrounded by her scent. When I woke, I’d somehow managed to wrap myself around the pillow she’d used like it was my lifeline. And like that I was hooked. After that first night I couldn’t bring myself to wash away the last traces of her. It wasn’t even those things that had me about to explode like a fuse on the Fourth of July.
“What about Zoe? Spence?”
“Doesn’t matter.” I didn’t want to talk about it. Not today or any other day. Just thinking about it pissed me off.
“Obviously it does. Tell me,” Derek commanded, slipping seamlessly into cop mode.
Although I’d seen him in action before, it had never been directed my way. Honestly, I was glad. I didn’t like it. Not one fucking bit. “She lied,” I confirmed as I reached down and flicked off the gas.
“About?”
“You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
Derek handed me a plate and I piled up the meat. I’d cooked so much I’d be eating leftovers for a week.
“Are you?” he offered, his face filled with sincerity. Gone was the tough guy act.
“I can’t.” Although it was the truth, I couldn’t believe how hard the words were to say. They seemed to get caught and choke me.
“Well then, neither can I,” he confirmed. I knew it wouldn’t have been any other way. He clasped me on the shoulder. “Let’s eat.”
“Sounds good. Inside, though. Damn mozzies are driving me insane.”
After pulling a loaf of bread, sauce, and some salads from the fridge, we sat in the kitchen and dug in. I didn’t realise how hungry I was until I took that first bite. My steak was over cooked, thank god it still tasted half decent. As I chewed I tried to remember when it was that I’d last eaten a proper meal and realised it had been days. No wonder the food was vanishing before my eyes.
Twenty minutes later I was done. Stuffed so full I don’t think I could have taken another bite. Gulping down the last swig of my beer, I leaned back and belched loudly. The best thing about living with my twin, a twin whose habits were even worse than my own, meant he couldn’t bitch at my disgusting habits.
Derek cleaned his plate before copying my motions. Sometimes it worried me how similar we were. It was like Derek and I were born to be brothers. Some of the things we did were so eerily similar it scared me. Whereas Kane, on the other hand, ninety percent of the time just pissed me off. Silently, side by side, we wrapped up the leftovers and stuffed them back in the fridge, scraped the plates, and dumped them in the dishwasher and filled the bin.
Grabbing us each another beer, Derek snapped them open and herded me into the lounge room. I’d delayed it long enough, the reprieve was over. I was fed and satisfied and now it was time to talk. Shit.
I collapsed into my recliner and kicked up the footrest. This was going to be a painful conversation…the least I could do was be comfortable while I was being grilled.
We looked at each other…daring the other to speak first. But I was a stubborn shit. I wasn’t going to break.
“Well…” Derek caved.
“Yeah?”
“Okay, Spencer. Enough bullshit. What’s going on?”
“You seriously want to know?”
“The way you are right now, I think I need to,” Derek answered firmly as he toyed with the label on his beer.
“That-that…bitch…has completely fucked everything. I mean, I haven’t seen her in fuck knows how long. Then she comes home. I didn’t even know she was coming. She didn’t tell me―”
“I thought you two were best friends?”
“We were. Shit just got in the way. Time. Distance. Life. Other people―”
“In other words, she got a boyfriend or went on a date and you acted like a jealous ass. Zoe called you on it, but you, being the stubborn shit that you are, wouldn’t back down. You wouldn’t apologise?”
“That about sums it up.”
“Okay. Continue.”
“Then I had to be the one
to find her. I mean, how fucking twisted is that? And it’s not her fault. I mean, if I could get my hands on the asshole who did that to her, even you, Deputy Doug, wouldn’t be able to stop me.” I looked up, expecting to see Derek’s face to be serious, but was shocked to see agreement written there. I knew he loved Zoe almost as much as I did, so it shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. “I know she didn’t ask for it and she sure as shit didn’t deserve it, but I had to be the one who found her on the side of the road. Broken and bleeding.” I took a breath. Every single image of that day was replaying in my mind like some torturous film. I felt sick to my stomach, as if I were reliving it again.
“Would you rather it was someone else who found her?” Derek asked, his words hanging in the air between us.
As the thought bounced around my mind, I didn’t really know how to answer. Did I wish someone else had stumbled across Zoe that day? Fuck no. Did I wish the images of that day would stop haunting me every hour of every day? Abso-fucking-lutely. Surely there was a happy medium.
“No,” I spluttered through gritted teeth.
“Huh.”
“What?”
“Just surprised.”
“At?”
“How long it took you to answer,” Derek explained, a satisfied smirk on his lips.
“Asshole.”
“Yep. Anyway, all that I knew. What’d she do that has you wound tighter than spring?”
“She isn’t talking to me.”
“What?”
I didn’t want to get into this. If just thinking about it churned my stomach, surely talking about it wouldn’t be any better. “When she left she was a mess. And not just normal emotional girl mess, but she was a walking talking train wreck. She did it. I followed her out to the road to make sure she made it―”
“Stalker much?”
“Do you want to hear this or not?” I snapped. Derek was not making this easy.
Coming Home (Homeward Bound Series Book 1) Page 15