by Alyvia Paige
“Nice to formally meet you, Chase,” I respond with an extended hand to properly greet him. He shakes my hand back and I look to Brie briefly, “Good to see you, sweets.” I nod towards the main entrance still yet to move my feet, “Let’s go.”
“Carter has a badass fucking truck Chase, just wait until you see it!” Brielle exclaims and receives a sideway glance from Hannah.
Laughing I shake my head, and look back to Hannah, still standing flush against me, yet to move, looking up at me attentively. I give her a wink and squeeze her tightly before releasing her. My left hand instinctively cupping her face, my right hand in her hair holding her to me as I lock my mouth to hers, my tongue parting her full lips, immediately granting me access, and kiss her with every ounce of myself. Hoping to convey that I missed her and love her all at once. The physical ache of three months has been complete torture to us both.
“Ahem, guys,” Brielle interjects subtlety.
“GUYS!” she exclaims when we ignore her previous attempt to grasp our attention. I pull back from the kiss, our mouths still only a hairsbreadth from touching, and breathe her in as her eyes flicker open to mine.
“What, Brie?” I question with irritation in my voice. She starts laughing and I look around us, Hannah still flush against me, holding on to me for dear life, catching her breath, and it appears that we have become the entertainment of the airport.
“Maybe you two need to get a room,” she snickers and starts walking towards the exit, followed by Chase who is carrying a duffle and pulling two suitcases behind him.
“Hi,” Hannah whispers and I kiss her one more time before taking her luggage and interlacing our fingers on the walk to my truck.
“I missed you, beautiful,” I smile at her as approach the truck. Brie is all but drooling and dry humping it as she peers into the window from the side step. I click the keyless entry remote unlocking the doors and she jumps down to open the door and climb in. I look to my right to see Hannah staring at me, and I just shrug and smile.
“What the fuck is this beast of a truck?” She looks back to my black 2006 F250 that’s sitting at least an extra eight inches off the ground from the lift and suspension kit I added on a year or so ago.
“Um, that’s my other baby,” I nod towards it without breaking eye contact, “and she’s a beast alright.” I wink then pull her to the passenger side door and assist her climbing in. Once everyone is buckled up, I start the engine and head towards downtown.
“Carter, I am not dressed to go out, weren’t we going to your place first?” Hannah whines as I pull in to a parking space at Angelo’s Ice Cream.
“You don’t have to get out, but this is something Brie and I do every time I pick her up from the airport.” I respond without thinking that she probably wasn’t aware of a “Brielle and Carter Tradition”.
“You do what, huh?” she mumbles looking from the now empty backseat back to me. “What am I missing exactly?” she asks obviously perplexed and maybe a bit jealous from being excluded.
“You aren’t missing anything aside from the amazingly delicious ice cream if you stay in the truck. Let’s go Han.” I respond, frustrated over the misplaced jealously in her tone. She jumps out of the passenger side and scowls at me, which causes nothing more than a rumble of laughter to escape as she passes by.
I roll my eyes and try to shake off the feeling of jealousy that seeing the obvious bond that Carter and Brielle share creates. Jumping out of the truck, I follow the three of them into the ice cream parlor. Carter holds the door open for me, swatting my ass as I walk past him and up to the glass counter covering the deep freezers lined with multiple cartons of colorful concoctions. My head is swimming with memories of date nights and study group meet ups, sharing every kind of homemade ice cream and countless hours of laughter. Perusing the list of flavors on the dry erase board then looking into each section of the glass counter, I stop and watch Brielle. She’s bouncing on the balls of her feet waiting for her turn to order. Quickly looking at the menu board again, I see s’mores listed halfway down the marker board.
Glancing over to Carter then back to Brie, he cocks his head to the side with a questioning expression. Oh, lord help me, ‘do not laugh’ I repeat to myself. Being best friends with Brie for nearly my entire life, I know her extreme closeted obsession with s’mores, and it is a rather unhealthy binge eating kind of fixation when she gets the urge to indulge. The sounds she makes as she eats anything combining the chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker creation is similar to that of a porno on skinamax. Brie looks to me as the woman behind the counter asks for her order. Brie gives me a wink. Oh fuck, she’s going to make a spectacle out of this pit stop.
“I’d like the s’more ice cream with hmm...” Brie’s voice trails off as she looks around behind the counter and exclaims “REESE’S!” I try to swallow down the bubble of laughter slowly billowing up my throat, not wanting to giveaway her soon to be pleasurable moans that I am certain neither Carter nor Chase are anticipating as she devours the cup of frozen deliciousness, thus causing me to cough. The guys both look at her when she shouts Reese’s and watch her intently as begins to hop in place as she waits impatiently.
I’m up to order, and of course I get what I always do when I came here back in the day, monkey business; it is a mixture of vanilla ice cream with walnuts, bananas, caramel, and chocolate sauce. It is simply the most delectable treat - heaven on earth. Next Chase orders, followed by Carter who also pays the tab, much to everyone’s displeasure. Well not Brie’s, because well, she has her cup of ice cream and just shoved a spoonful into her mouth. We all sit around a table in front of the window in an almost comfortable silence, almost being the operative word.
“Ooooh mmmm,” Brielle moans as she sucks the ice cream off the spoon before dipping it back into the cup and finding a chunk of what could only be Reese’s from her reaction. “Ahhh, yes, come to mama you scrumptious lil morsel of sin.”
Chase jerks his head to the left to watch her suck the spoon clean of any remnants, eyes bulging and gulping at her repeated gestures. “Um, you okay there Brie?” he asks bemused.
“I love the way the peanut butter and chocolate melt in my mouth, satisfying the cravings of my taste buds pleading for more,” Brielle simpers.
“Brielle Dawn Sava, shut the fuck up, people are starting to stare,” I attempt to scold her but can’t contain the laughter that comes abruptly after. She looks at me, then Chase giving him a wink. Carter is sneaking spoonfuls of my ice cream out of my cup, for what reason, I have never figured out. He loves my monkey business, but always gets the rocky road.
“Mmmm, but Hannah, it’s so so good,” she cries out in an over produced moan. She continues to eat and talk with a growing voice, “I mean, for serious, give me s’mores anything and I’ll suck your dick.”
Carter’s head hits the table in embarrassment, mumbling through his laughter. “She is losing her shit over ice cream and propositioning anyone who is listening... I am never gonna be able eat s’mores again without having audio-visual nightmares.” He looks up at us, shaking his head side to side as if to scrub his mind from the event.
My head falls back and I laugh harder than I have in a while. “Brie,” I say through my tears and labored breathing, “you are a fucking mess. This is a family establishment, you can’t say that shit.”
Chase is still staring at her, his mouth opens and closes a few times. “Fuck me,” he groans and rubs his forehead, likely processing my friend and her antics trying to make sense of it all.
“Banana, calm your tits. You too, Carter, only adults are in here,” she says looking around at the patrons laughing and talking, and then pops her shoulders, “not that I would have censored myself anyway.”
Once we all finish dessert and our conversation about the plans for the next few days, we head back to Carter’s truck. Brie and Chase are going to stay at her parents’ place, as they have the spare room and Carter and I have sporadic events planned ove
r the next couple days. The truck ride to the Sava’s is noisy to say the least, between Brie and I scream singing country music and the roars of laughter, the trip is a lot shorter than I remember.
Climbing out of this truck triggers me to make a mental note, not to skip out of my workout regimen. With Chase not constantly around, I won’t have the daily reminders and push that he typically provides me, either before work or after. Thinking back to my first year in Florida, I just was... I went to work and home, but once Brielle moved down, I started to adjust to the normal life of a twenty-three year old and tried living life again without hesitation and the feeling of being broken.
Nevertheless, something was always off, I hadn’t forgiven myself for an incident that I could not control any more than the weather. Carter’s short, unexpected visit helped heal that last part of me. Knowing that the one person I ran from to avoid heartbreak and disappointment later down the road, still loved me, and never blamed me for the loss of our child was the game changer in my life. Why I waited so long for that interaction, I may never know aside from the fear of rejection or angst of losing more than I already had.
After a short visit with Brie’s parents, Joel and Meredith, we leave the four of them and head back to my place so Hannah can get ready for dinner. After about ten minutes on the road she sighs, capturing my attention, I look over briefly to see her head back against the headrest with her eyes closed. Reflexively, I reach over and rest my hand on her thigh, turning my eyes back to the road allowing her the time she needs to herself. Coming back after the miscarriage has always been a struggle for her, seeing her from a distance and listening to Tracie as she unloaded her worries once Hannah flew back to Florida and now seeing it up close causes that pain to deepen to a whole new level.
I was going to take Hannah the gravesite that I had taken care of once she was released from the hospital and shutting the world out after the accident, but seeing the emotions roll across her face, I reconsider my plan and decide to wait until later tonight or tomorrow. Pulling into the garage, I gently squeeze her thigh waking and alerting her that we need to get ready for dinner that will commence in about an hour. I grab her luggage and open the door for her before she finally moves from her resting position.
“Let’s go, beautiful, you can get settled and then ready for dinner. Your parents are eager to see you,” I mention as I help her out of the truck.
“Sorry I passed out on you Carter, it’s just a little overwhelming the first day back, especially for the holidays,” she whispers to my chest.
After a quick tour of my place, because let’s face it, I am a bachelor with no need to impress anyone other than Hannah, and even though she has a ginormous house in Florida, this is where she came from. Simplicity. I lead her back to my bedroom, and hoist her luggage onto the bed with a grunt; I think she packed enough to stay until spring.
“Christ Hannah, did you pack enough,” I say laughing as she starts to remove and sort her belongings laying different piles on the bed. Without thinking, I begin picking them up, placing her clothes into the dresser drawers, and hanging some of them in the closet. Once her suitcases are empty, she looks at me then around the room and smiles her breathtaking smile.
“I didn’t know what the weather was going to be like, and thank you for finding a place for everything,” she says while worrying on her lower lip. Taking her into my arms, I lean down and kiss her forehead as her hands find a place to rest in my back pockets.
“I have somewhere we need to go tonight or tomorrow, depending on how you are feeling and how tired you are. Something I need to show you.” I murmur into her hair.
She breaks away from our embrace just slightly and puckers her lips, which I kiss immediately, “okay, before dinner or after? Oh and where are we going for dinner, mom just mentioned all of us going to cut out multiple house trips,” she questions after our lips part.
“We are going to Blanco’s, so go do what you need to do get ready,” I smile against her mouth, “I am going like this, so don’t get too fancy, beautiful,” kissing her softly before I back away and head into to the living room.
I hear her clear her throat about thirty or so minutes later, based on my Castle episode time meter, and look her way to see her shyly smiling, her hair braided back and tendrils framing her face. I motion with my finger in a come-hither motion, and look her up and down as she moves closer. She still fits right in, dark jeans tucked into her brown suede knee boots, a pink and blue flannel shirt with rolled up sleeves. With her brown scarf and cream cardigan in her arms, she bends forward and kisses me chastely, winks and moves away.
“Let’s go before that fervor in your eyes changes my mind,” she giggles heading towards the door donning her sweater and scarf.
“Don’t play coy, and you know better than start shit you can’t finish,” I growl at her neck, gripping her hips and pulling her into me just before we reach the door. She rubs her ass suggestively against my crotch, and I lightly nip her ear.
“Oh we both know I can finish what I start Carter, but we have shit to do, so let’s get a move on,” she laughs and reaches for the door. Walking slowly out the door still not letting her go, I chuckle in her ear as I see her posture and breathing alter, I pull back to open the passenger door to my white Porche Cayenne.
“I am certain that if we are late to dinner, we will have your parents beating down my door, and I don’t think they need to see what I am planning to do to you,” I retort with a smirk and wink.
Somewhere along our twenty-minute drive to dinner, our fingers interlace, and she rambles on about how crazy this all feels, her and I going to dinner with her parents, and it all seeming so natural and yet surreal. I agree, but am completely content with where we are. We both agree that if it wasn’t for my trip to Florida, none of this would be taking place.
We pull into the parking lot, and I help her out of the car, ready to get back to where we once were, exchanging hugs as we meet David and Tracie in the entryway of Blanco’ and are seated shortly after. Blanco’s is the all-time best Italian pizzeria, it’s like heaven on earth setting your taste buds into a state of bliss. Once our drinks are delivered and dinner is ordered the conversation between all of us flows smoothly, and I sit back and drink up this moment, knowing from experience, it can vanish when you least expect it.
It was a little past nine when we left Blanco’s; dinner was great, the conversation flowed without any awkwardness up until my discovery that EVERYONE knew of Carter coming to Florida except me, which then prompted my mom to engage excitedly about how it turned out. By the time we are halfway across town, I notice that Carter is not driving towards his apartment any longer, in fact, we are traveling north opposed to east, and I’m beginning to wonder why.
“Carter, where are we going?” I ask through a yawn. He looks at me with eyes full of hesitation before giving me a weak smile.
“I told you, I had something to show you, one of the reasons I needed you to come home” he responds quietly.
I finally notice some familiarity along the dark roads, and squeeze his hand that is resting in mine. Maybe having me home has made him want to finally come out to the Browning Memorial Grounds where his grandparents were laid to rest. They passed away our freshman year in college within months of each other, and he refused to even drive out this way, I remember the endless conversations of him telling me to drop it and that he didn’t need to visit a place just to remember the two people that he had a lifetime of memories of.
He drives further into the memorial grounds and stops, the headlights shining towards a fairly empty lot, and even though it’s a dimly lit location – it’s definitely not where his grandparents’ headstone lies. “Hannah,” he turns to me with sad eyes, “I told you I needed to show you something and well… we’re here.” He kisses me with the most tenderness I have felt from him in years, and then exits the car, rounding the back and opening my door. I grab hold of his hand and follow him to a patch of the grounds covered
in light pink and pale blue mums, barely hanging onto life. He squeezes my hand before letting it go and pulling my back to his front.
Looking down I begin to read the inscription on the stone – ‘Our Love Without End ~2012 – 2012~ Hannah Grace & Carter Grayson‘– and gasp as my legs begin to go limp. I can’t focus, I can’t breathe, I can’t see through the tears filling my eyes, now spilling down my face. My heart feels like it is shattering all over again, but it’s a million times more real and every emotion is intensified. Strong, warm arms fold around me, almost shielding me from anything around the bubble he has created. I read the marble slab again, sobs rip through my body, and my legs fully give out. Carter slowly lowers us to the ground where I reach out and trace the letters etched so beautifully and intricately within an infinity symbol – the phrase that he repeated time and time again before and after losing the life I didn’t know was created.
When?
How?
Why?
Carter pulls me back into his arms resting my lifeless body onto his lap, not speaking, just patiently waiting for me speak. I can’t, I can’t do anything, I feel as if my inability to cope laid all the burden in his lap and he willingly took it and dismissed me of the responsibilities and actions that I should have been a part of. My sadness turns to anger then to remorsefulness and I concede, all the emotions at once flooding through me.
“Why?” I weep as he squeezes me tighter.
He kisses my head and breathes of “For you, for us, for the innocent life that was taken. But mostly… because you couldn’t.”
I shake my head in disbelief that he yet again carried all the weight and burden of my inability to cope, just as he is now, lifting my motionless body with him, and placing me in the car buckling me in before shutting my door.
I don’t recall the drive back to the house, or how I ended up in his bed dressed in my pajamas. Soft music plays from the iHome speaker and the sun is shining through the bedroom windows. My head feels like a million little minions are hammering their happiness away, but I feel as if another hole has been pierced through my soul. I hear footsteps and close my eyes hopefully portraying that I am still asleep, but it’s a battle I’ve already lost as Carter rounds the bed with a tray of soup and hot tea.