by Kahlen Aymes
“But?”
“Let’s still plan on coffee every Sunday at 4. We’ll meet here every week at the same time to catch up with each other.”
I sucked in my breath, the pain in my chest easing slightly. It was something, and at least, it meant he wasn’t trying to ditch me altogether. I wasn’t sure which one of us was sucked back in.
“Yeah?” he asked, when I didn’t answer right away.
I shrugged; noncommittal. I wanted to see him, but I felt like my heart was broken. It was stupid and I felt like an idiot. “Like I said, if it works out.”
I picked up my cup and left him sitting in the coffee shop with those two women looking him over and inwardly cheering at our falling out.
As I walked out into the cold and began my trek across campus, I tried to tell myself this would be better for me, too. I was already more than half in love with him and I had to get it out of my system. It would be a change not seeing him every day, but I’d deal. I’d deal, and… I’d draw.
Chapter 6
Smoke & Mirrors
~ RYAN
I’d fucked myself.
It had been two weeks since I’d seen Julia other than in literature class and she always sat with someone else. As I sat there, my eyes watching the door like I was starving, waiting for her to walk through the one place I was certain to see her, I couldn’t decide if I was more pissed at her or me.
Even if I was a dumbass in my reasoning, didn’t she know me better than that? So what if I’d said that stupid shit two weeks before? She had to know this was harder than hell for me. It was worse not seeing her. I couldn’t focus on school because my mind was always wondering what she was doing. I was moody and snapping at Aaron and Jenna whenever she was over, but she snapped right back, which effectively ruined any chance I had of asking her to tell me what was up with Julia. I felt like an idiot; like my dog just died, or worse, that I’d lost my best friend. Well, it was ridiculous to feel like I’d just chopped off my right fucking arm, when all I had to do was talk to her. Didn’t I? This was our first fight, to speak of. We’d been inseparable, and of course, it would hurt her feelings when I tried to shut it off like a faucet, but I truly believed it was better than being in pain whenever we were in the same room. I still had a gnawing ache, it just moved about two and half feet further north.
I leaned back in my chair, my movement abrupt and jerky enough to draw attention from a girl sitting next to me. She always came in after me, and sat in the conspicuously vacant chair to my right. She was pretty in a hard, angular sort of way. Her hair was almost pitch black, she had pale white skin and lips painted crimson. Besides her over-skinny frame, she had huge gray eyes that looked out of place around her thin, almost pointed nose and overly pronounced cheekbones.
She was talking, but I wasn’t listening. My eyes still searching for Julia’s softer curves and long, flowing dark brown hair, silently hoping she’d make eye contact. When she came through the door with the dude who had now become like a parasite, attached to her at the hip, I tensed. Her eyes met mine briefly. I could see the same sadness I felt before her gaze ricocheted away in a brief instant. She was carrying her coat, lopped over and through the straps of her backpack, and had on a dark green sweater I was particularly fond of over a dark pair of jeans. I couldn’t see her eyes, but I knew the color of the sweater made them even more brilliant. My heart, that sped up at the sight of her, fell at the rebuff.
I opened my notebook, blocking out the babbling of the woman next to me. The professor came in and started to lecture and engage a discussion about Great Expectations, but I was too busy watching the way the guy next to Julia was leaning into her and trying to make her laugh.
I felt sick when she smiled at him before directing her attention back to taking notes and listening as the instructor spoke.
“So, Ryan… Julia mentioned she’d talk to you about me. She said you might be interested in going out together?”
My brain registered nothing other than Julia’s name, but it was enough to make my head turn toward the gaunt girl beside me. “Wha—?” I said, distracted. “Hmm?”
“Your friend. She said, well, this is weird because I was hoping she’d introduce us. But Julia said you might like to take me out?”
Anger settled in my chest as well as confusion. It didn’t seem like Julia to set me up with someone, especially given she knew I had recently rearranged my priorities. I frowned and blinked at the girl. “She did?”
“Yeah. Um, I’m in her dorm, and she mentioned it one day in the elevator. I was wondering if you two were a couple, and she set me straight.”
My jaw shot out, and my mouth clamped into a line. My eyes went back to Julia who was glancing over her shoulder, right at me, and this girl whose name I didn’t even know.
“I’m sorry,” I rested my chin on my fist and fell in a half-assed lean over the desk in her direction as I made the pretense of taking notes, my eyes still returning to land on Julia’s back several rows in front and to my left. “What was your name?” I asked quietly then wrote it down when she answered. Jessica. “Sorry, Jessica. Maybe she forgot, but she didn’t mention you to me, but then we haven’t been hanging out as much lately.”
The gray eyes widened and a bright smile slid across her features. “Oh, well, that’s okay.”
The class was ending, the professor was dismissing the class and I rushed to shove the novel and notebook back into my black backpack as quickly as possible. I wanted to catch up with Julia before she split with that asshole.
“Will you call me?” Jessica pressed.
“Um, sure. I’m in a hurry right now, but I’ll grab your number on Friday.” I said words I didn’t mean then left her standing there. “See ya,” I threw over my shoulder. Julia was a good twenty yards in front of me by now, at the end of the hallway and turning to go down the stairs that would take her to the building entrance a floor below. The guy talking to her didn’t seem to want to let her go, and I lengthened my stride to shorten the distance separating us. My purpose was singular, and all the others milling through the hallways, into and out of classrooms, slowed down my progress because I had to wait for someone slower in front of me, or when someone would merge into the hall at my right. “Julia!”
At the sound of my voice, she stopped, turned, and looked at me. The boy-man beside her stopped with her, waiting to see what she was doing. She said something to him, leaning in so he’d hear her over the din of voices. When he moved toward me, I focused on Julia and when he passed, I was still moving in her direction. She, however, had turned away and was walking quickly away from me. “Julia, stop!” I called again.
I was holding my coat, folded in my hand and my backpack banged into someone as I passed. “Oh, sorry,” I muttered, finally catching up to Julia. She burst through the doors out into the March air. There wasn’t snow on the ground but it was still chilly and she’d need the coat she was holding against her front, as it draped over her arm. I caught up with her and she kept walking, glancing up to glare at me.
“Leave me alone, Ryan.”
“No.” I wasn’t sure what else to say; I only knew I wasn’t leaving her alone until we talked.
“Better not get too close, you might flunk out of school.” Her words were hard and laced with bitterness. It didn’t suit her at all. It didn’t matter, though they pissed me off even more.
“Yeah, well thanks for getting Miley’s creepy, gothic twin in my face. I don’t need you lining up my social calendar.” I glowered at her. “I thought I made it clear I needed to concentrate on my classes.”
She huffed and threw me a disgusted look. “As if! She practically stalks me, begging for me to introduce you to her silly ass. Bet you wouldn’t say ‘no’ if you thought her bones wouldn’t puncture your lung when you climbed on top of her.”
Did she really think this was about that girl? Could she really think I’d be interested in someone like that? “Stop it, Julia,” I commanded as she continued her powerwalk next to me.
“You’re being a complete bitch.”
We were getting closer to the Student Union, and up until two weeks ago, we would have met there for lunch. “Fuck off, Ryan.”
I reached out and wrapped a hand around her arm, stopping her mid-step and pulling her around. “Just a goddamned minute, Julia! I want to talk to you.”
“Oh, well, you don’t always get what you want,” she said sweetly, but her expression was full of disgust. “I want world peace and zero unemployment. You see how that fucking turned out!”
I ran a hand through my hair as we stood face to face in front of the union, other students passing us to get in or out, some of them pausing to gawk at us. Her chest heaved as she glowered at me.
“What? What do you want, Ryan?”
I sighed heavily. I hated fighting with her, and I hated the hurt look on her beautiful face, the crinkle appearing above her nose as she frowned; her green eyes glassy.
“I told you, I want to talk to you.” My voice softened.
“The last time we talked didn’t turn out so great for me, so I think I’ll pass.”
She turned and began walking toward the building. I hesitated a beat, still arguing with myself. If she was going to be so dumb, why did I give a shit how she felt? I should just let her stomp off into her happy place and think I didn’t give a rat’s ass one way or the other.
Yeah, that wasn’t happening.
“Damn it!” I muttered and stormed after her.
She went to the booth we sat in the day we met, threw her backpack and coat toward the wall on the opposite end and slid in, unaware I followed. She sat there for maybe five seconds while I stood watching from a mere six feet away. She sucked in a painful breath as her face crumpled, and she covered it with her hands. My heart fell. She wasn’t just angry; she was hurt.
I didn’t ask permission, and I wasn’t even sure if she knew I was there, but I slid in across from her, laying my stuff on the seat next to me. I waited for her to calm down, and she snuffled, a sure sign she was crying. It made me feel like hell. I wasn’t even sure what I was doing, but I knew something had to give.
She wiped under each eye with one finger, and she was startled when, opening them both, she found me sitting across from her. Her cheeks flushed a bright pink. She sighed and met my eyes. Tears still clung to her lashes making them a spikey black frame around her vibrant eyes. Her make-up was smudged, but it didn’t matter to me at all. Julia wiped the end of her nose with a napkin and waited. Waited… for me to say something. Now that I had the chance, I found myself tongue-tied for the first time ever with her. I opened my mouth then shut it.
“What do you want, Ryan?” she asked again, defeated.
“I’m not sure,” I began. But I miss you, my thoughts clamored.
“I don’t understand you. You wanted distance. I gave it to you, so why are you chasing me across campus like a lunatic?”
“Yes, you gave me space. But you were supposed to meet for coffee. You didn’t even call or text to tell me you weren’t coming.”
“You’re such a spoiled brat! I’m sorry! I’m mad!” Her voice rose slightly. “You hurt my feelings, and I just didn’t feel like having coffee with you! I’m not sure if I even want to be friends anymore.”
A small gasp escaped my chest. I’d never considered that she might not want to be my friend, but it was a frightening prospect.
“Wow. I’m not sure what to say.”
Julia’s eyes got liquid again, her chin trembled almost imperceptibly, and then she looked away and cleared her throat at the same time, blinking rapidly. “Ughhhhmmm. You don’t get to have it both ways. I just—” She wiped at her eyes then looked at me. “I just don’t know how to be your ‘sort of’ friend. It’s too much work. I have to stop myself from calling you and looking for you on campus. I’m deliberately avoiding places I think you’ll be. It makes me feel like shit, and it sucks!”
I couldn’t take my eyes off hers as tears filled her eyes and tumbled from first one, then the other. Again, she wiped at the offending wetness with her hand. “I don’t want to worry about getting the blame if something you do isn’t perfect. I don’t… ughhh.” She cleared her throat again. “I don’t like how unhappy I am now.”
I nodded and swallowed at the tight lump in my throat. I knew what she meant. Exactly what she meant. “I know. I am, too.” Another tear fell, and I wanted to reach out and catch it with the tip of my finger.
“Guess you should have thought of that, huh?” Her little shoulders lifted in a half-shrug and half-sob. “I don’t understand what this is now.”
Julia represented extremes to me. Happy, miserable, horny, pissed off or hurt, there was no halfway with her. I couldn’t stand to see her cry. Especially, because of me. Whatever emotions she evoked inside me, it was a full on assault. That was what I was trying to avoid. It was dangerous.
Had anything changed in the time between our talk two weeks earlier, and now? Not one damn thing. Maybe it was even worse than it was before. This fight and the distance I’d put between us only reiterated how significant she actually was to my life. I’d wanted to make things easier, but I’d only succeeded in hurting her and making myself more miserable than I’d ever been. It was almost as if I couldn’t breathe. Especially when she was mad at me. When she said she didn’t want to be friends anymore, I was done.
I shook my head and looked away, running an exasperated hand through my mop of hair as I did so. “I don’t either, Jules. I’m sorry. I fucked up how I handled it, but this isn’t how I want it. I wasn’t trying to stop being friends. I just wanted to explain why I wouldn’t be around as much.”
I couldn’t look away from her sad, tear-stained, beautiful face, and it seemed she couldn’t break away either. Most girls would be freaking out that they were crying and looking hideous in the middle of four hundred people, but not Julia. She didn’t even seem to notice.
“I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt your chances at Harvard,” she said softly. “You should know that.”
I was pissed at myself that I’d ever said that to her. Really, the whole fucking thing was about my own weakness and nothing she had done.
“I know. I’m a giant asshole. It came out completely wrong.”
I couldn’t tell her my real reasons because, again, it put it on her, and it would make those feelings harder to fight if she knew. Especially if there was a chance she felt any bit of it, too. “The truth is, I’d rather spend time hanging out with you than studying, but I can’t let that happen. I figured it would be easier this way, but I was an idiot to think distancing from you would help keep my head in the books. I’ve been worried about you, and honestly, I couldn’t stand it if you hated me.” I leaned forward, aching to take her hand, but I resisted.
Julia met my gaze. “I don’t hate you, but you hurt me. I felt like you blamed me for something that didn’t even happen. You got an A on that test.”
“Yes, but it was close. My window of opportunity is so tight, and a couple more points could have killed everything. That said; I miss just talking to you.”
That was it. My dick would just have to deal with the temptation she presented, because the rest of me was miserable without her. It would be difficult, but not as difficult as fighting to stay away from her. I really would fuck up school then.
Julia closed her eyes tightly and nodded. I was certain more tears seeped out from the corners of her eyes. “Me, too. I’ve been so sad.” Her voice was thick with emotion and snot.
I reached over and handed her a napkin so she could blow her nose. She did, and it was loud; loud enough to garner attention from some other students walking by. I grinned at the sound and her snuffley laugh that followed.
“Gross, Abbott,” I tried to tease, but my expression was serious. My heart was full. I hated that I’d made her cry, but happy we were finally talking. The past two weeks had felt like a fucking year.
Julia wiped her eyes with another napkin. Her face was puffy and
red from crying. “Now what do we do?”
“Well, for starters you stop ignoring me in English lit.”
“It was either that or punch you in the face.”
I could make a joke about the guy she was with, but this needed to be cleared up, not just brushed off. “So, will you come to coffee on Sundays and stop avoiding me in class?”
“Yes.” Julia’s tears had stopped and she’d become contemplative. “This is hard, Ryan.”
“Yes. It’s sort of a bitch. I’ve never had a friend like you, Julia. You’re—” I stopped, not really knowing how to frame it. “I’ve had a lot of friends who were fun to be around, but with you, it’s your words and opinion that mean the most. You’re the voice in my head.”
“If that is a nice way of saying I’m a drag, thanks a lot.”
I nodded, wryly. “Yes. Huge drag.” I smiled, and I waited until the corner of her mouth lifted in a slight grin before I continued. “No, I mean, your support is important. The past two weeks without you around felt like hell. It was weird not being able to call you.” I was being careful with my words; that in itself felt foreign with Julia. There was a fine line between us and I didn’t want to do anything to revert to that abyss we’d just squashed.
“Spring break is coming up, and that should give you time to catch up on classwork.”
“Yes. Are you leaving campus?”
“Ellie wants to go to Cabo, but it’s sort of last minute and expensive. My dad probably won’t go for it. Are you going to Chicago?”
“No, but Aaron is. He’s taking his new girlfriend home to meet the folks.”
“Yes, Jenna, right?”
I nodded, somewhat surprised she knew about it, given our lack of contact for the past weeks. But then it occurred to me Aaron had an opportunity to tell her when he drove her home the day after Valentine’s Day.
“You don’t want to go to Mexico with Ellie? You sound less than enthusiastic.”
Her right shoulder lifted in a half-shrug. “Yes, I guess. It helps that we’re not fighting.”