by Kahlen Aymes
"It's gonna happen, Ryan. We'll make it happen because we have to."
Julia~
This was the end of our weekend and I was doing my best to put on a brave face and remind myself of all that I had to be thankful for. And there he was, right in front of me, all six foot one inch of him, his wild dark gold locks, scruffy, unshaven chin and bright blue eyes. So beautiful, but so sad, his brow crinkled and his face tense. I drew in a deep breath as I watched him put his things in his suitcase and duffle. He glanced up from what he was doing and his features softened as he looked at me.
I got up and walked across the room, sitting on the bed beside his suitcase, beginning to rub his back. His muscles were tense as they flexed under my hands when he moved. We had both showered and his hair was still damp. I longed to run my hand through it and tug on the ends. He loved it when I did that and it would comfort him in some small way.
I grabbed his arm and pulled him to sit next to me, curling around his back and holding him close. Ryan reached up, grabbed my hand and brought it slowly to his mouth, brushing his lips over my knuckles lightly, his lips ghosting back and forth over the skin before finally kissing it.
I kissed his back and closed my eyes, trying to steady the trembling in my voice before I spoke. "I'm so happy you came to see me. This weekend has meant the world to me, Ryan," I almost whispered against his black button down shirt that was stretched taut across his shoulders.
His thumb brushed over the skin on my wrist as he held my hand. "Me, too." He turned to me and looked into my eyes, a small smile lifting the corners of his mouth as one hand reached out to cup my left cheek. "Can I see the drawing before we go to the airport?"
"The drawings are so personal."
"Drawings?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "How many are there?"
I smirked back at him and shrugged. "Matthews, you didn't really think this was the first one, did you?"
"Sometimes I'd catch you drawing when I was studying, but I felt like I'd be prying if I asked what you were doing. Your face was always so intense."
"Like I said... It’s very personal to me." As intimate as we had been, I suddenly felt shy. "I poured all of my love into my sketches. I was afraid if you saw them, you'd know. Um...I was afraid you’d freak out and I didn't want to lose you."
Ryan laughed softly. "Julia, I was so in love with you the entire time. Watching you, so intently working, I longed to be the thing you were thinking about that caused that look on your face. We were so stupid."
"Something like that, yeah."
"Okay, so show me already!" His eyes were excited and I scratched my fingers across his shoulders one last time before I went to retrieve the sketch pad resting between the two pieces of furniture on the floor. I went back to the bed and handed it to Ryan, slightly nervous over what his reaction might be.
"Be nice," I begged. Ryan just looked at me for a long moment.
"I've seen your work. You're incredibly talented, so what are you fidgeting about?" His voice was lighter, full of amusement and my heart leapt. It was better than the sadness that was there just minutes before.
"I'm silly, I guess. I know you've seen my stuff before, so ..." I let my voice drop off, not really sure what I wanted to say.
Ryan's hands quickly moved to flip open the cover of the book and he instantly froze, looking at the still unfinished drawing, his hand hovering over the image on the page.
"Obviously, I'm not finished with it," I began.
Ryan stared at it for a few minutes before he looked up at me. "Julia...if this is how you see me... I'm... speechless."
My throat began to ache as I tried to blink away the tears, willing myself to speak. "Uhgghh..." I tried to clear the emotion out of my voice. "Um...I see you as perfect. The most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on," I said honestly as I sat slowly on the edge of the bed near him.
"If I searched a hundred years, I couldn’t find the words to tell you how you make me feel...or how much I love you. Julia, do you know that?" he asked earnestly, his eyes burning into mine preventing me from looking away. His face blurred before my eyes until first one, and then another tear slipped down my cheeks. Ryan set the drawing to the side and put both hands to my face, wiping at the tears with his thumbs, his touch soft and so very gentle.
"My baby. You make me so happy. Please don't cry, honey." His voice was like velvet as it washed over me and he placed a soft kiss on my mouth before leaning his forehead against mine. "Can I have it?"
I looked down at my hands and immediately both of his reached out to take one of mine between them. "It's not finished yet."
"It's a masterpiece just like it is. I want it, Julia. Please?"
I nodded because I couldn't get any words out. Ryan gathered me close and held the back of my head, turning his face into my hair. As he breathed me in, the hardness of his chest pressed into the softness of my breasts and he felt amazing. We needed to leave for the airport or he'd miss his plane, but I never wanted to let him go.
"Julia, this is going to hurt like a bitch! I never want to leave you," he moaned into the curve of my neck and my hands slid up his chest to fist in the back of his hair, holding on for dear life and kissing the side of his jaw. "But...I'm so glad we’re us now. I love you." He stood up and pulled me with him, still in his arms, pressing my hips to his and then wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and back.
"Love you...so much. I'll miss you every single second." I willed my voice not to betray me, the words breaking free in a throbbing ache as I struggled not to full out sob. My heart hurt, but my brain clung to the hope that I'd be able to move to the East Coast very soon. I raised my face to look at him and Ryan took my mouth in a brief but deep kiss before reluctantly letting me go. He picked up his suitcases to carry them into the other room to the door. My heart was thumping in my chest in protest and I felt like I was losing my best friend. I tried to talk myself out of my sad mood, telling myself silently that this was the start of our life together. Certainly, this was not something to be sad about.
Then why the fuck do I feel like my insides just fell out and piled at my feet?
The silent war continued to wage inside me. Ryan felt it, too, because his hands rubbed up and down my arms after he helped me on with my jacket. He kissed the back of my head and for a long moment just rested his head against mine. He reluctantly moved away and once again picked up the bags. The loss was already a tangible thing.
"Ready?" I said sadly, grabbing my purse and car keys. I turned back to him to see him shaking his head his eyes glistening.
"No. I’ll never be ready to leave you."
I put a trembling hand to his face. My fingers clutched around his jaw as I kissed his mouth, breathing in his sweet scent and letting my lips move with his. His hands were full of the luggage so he couldn't take me in his arms, but I felt his urgency in his mouth and tongue as he kissed me. "It's going to be okay," I whispered against his lips.
"I know." He tried to smile as I opened the door and held it for him. "We'll be fine, Julia. But it’s better when you're near me. That's what I want for Christmas, okay?"
I smiled in return while we walked to the car and I opened the trunk. Ryan put his stuff in the back and once again I tossed him the keys. "Okay. Christmas," I nodded. "I'll do my best to give you what you want."
"You always do," he said as he opened my door and I slid inside.
The drive to the airport was mostly spent in soft touches and contemplation. I watched his features as he drove, never taking my eyes from his face. He seemed lost in thought, save the times when he'd glance at me lovingly or bring the hand he held constantly, to his mouth.
My heart was constricted and I finally had to face forward and look out the window or risk breaking into tears. His thumb rubbed over the inside of my wrist and I knew he understood what I was going through. He knew me better than I knew myself.
"Hey, weren't you the one who said this would be okay?" he reminded me. He was hurting too
but was stronger than I was. I was feeling so fragile, like I would crumble and blow away into nothingness, but I made myself answer in a stronger voice.
"Yeah. I know it will, babe."
"Jules, you probably want to come in with me, but I’m just going to get my boarding pass and wait. It won't be that long before I'll have to go through the security checkpoint and you won't be able to join me, so why don't you just drop me off at the terminal?" His eyes flicked to my face and then quickly away, like there was something he wasn't saying, but was trying to hide from me.
We entered the airport property as a plane landed loudly overhead. I was thankful for the time it gave me to organize my thoughts and get control over the trembling in my voice.
"But...Ryan, I was hoping..."
His hand tightened on mine. "This will be so hard, I just...think it's best if we just say goodbye at the curb, babe." His voice broke slightly on the words. "I feel like such a fucking pussy!"
I started slightly at his expletive, but I drew a shaky breath and nodded. "Okay."
"Julia...," he began, his voice tortured as he pulled up to the American Airlines terminal and put the car in park. He turned his tortured blue eyes to mine. "Remember my Christmas present, okay?" He touched my chin with his fingers as I nodded sadly. "It's gotta happen, so I guess this is it. Will you hug me goodbye?" Ryan asked softly as he stared into my eyes.
"Of course, you idiot." My chin was trembling and I put a shaky hand over my eyes as Ryan opened his door and popped open the trunk of my Mazda.
I reluctantly grabbed the handle and pushed the passenger door open and walked to the back of the car as he was setting his bag on the curb. Instantly, I was in his arms and he was kissing the side of my face and then my mouth in a wild, deep kiss. His tongue slid into my mouth and I opened to him as if I was starving and he was the last nourishment on earth.
His mouth lifted and he sucked my lower lip into his mouth and nipped at it with his teeth. "I love you so much, baby. I have to go."
I nodded but pressed my mouth to his once more. He didn't deny me and his arms tightened.
"Thanks for coming. I'll miss you."
He touched my face and kissed my cheek one last time before he stepped on the curb and started walking into the airport. I watched him for a few seconds before I called after him. "Ryan!" This was the only time he left me that he hadn't said the words, and I needed them. He turned and looked back at me, stopping as he did so. "Don't forget to remember me, right?"
He smiled sadly and shook his head. "Never." He looked at the ground for a second, the muscle in his jaw flexing. He finally raised his eyes back to mine and I could see the tears shining there. "I love you."
"Love you!" And with that he disappeared behind the doors, and I was left trembling and aching, the tears making it almost impossible to find my way back into the car. Other people going into the airport and the men checking bags were probably staring at my pathetic display. I didn't care. I couldn't help it even if I wanted to.
My hands gripped the steering wheel and I lowered my forehead to rest on them as tears began raining down uninhibited. God, it hurts! Finally my hand reached to put the car into gear and I brushed the tears off of my face in an attempt to get control.
Just breathe, Julia. Breathe; and, first thing tomorrow morning go talk to Meredith. That's all you can do.
I tried to reason with myself and it helped to a degree. Being away from Ryan should be easier since I'd been doing it for 5 months, but now that we were lovers and had admitted our feelings for each other, I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and was on its way to Boston.
I scoffed at myself as I moved away from the terminal and merged into the moving traffic.
He IS my heart...so duh.
My phone had fallen out of my purse onto the passenger seat where it vibrated. I grabbed it with one hand, and quickly glanced down at the text on the screen.
You ARE my heart. The most beautiful and precious thing in my world. Don't forget that.
I was still feeling fragile and so my eyes welled again and I longed to send him a message in return, but traffic was too bad to risk it.
He is so damn perfect.
Chapter 7
Julia~
Landed in Boston. Thanks for finally being mine. I love you with everything I am.
I smiled, glad that he was home safe but aching with loneliness for him already. I quickly typed out the obvious response.
Always was. You're just aware of it now..:-)
It wasn't long before he responded, and I quickly opened the message.
I'll be dreaming of you tonight, love. As always.
Hmmm...what to say? I contemplated for a minute and then rolled onto my back and began pressing the keys.
Real Yummy - Adorably Naughty. Awake or asleep...you ARE my dream.
I sighed and stared at the ceiling as I lay on the couch in silence; the same couch where Ryan made such passionate love to me only hours earlier. I closed my eyes and put a hand up to my temple trying to push back the tears that threatened to overpower me.
I should be so damn happy. I have everything I've dreamed of now. I had Ryan and he loved me, so what was my problem?
I rolled onto my side and tried to swallow the rising lump in my throat. He was beautiful, brilliant, talented, and mine. Mine; something I thought would never happen. It was eight o'clock in the evening and pitch black outside. The lights were off in the apartment and I lay there with only the eerie silver-blue glow of the moon to cast dim shadows around the room.
Ellie’s arrival was heralded by the rattling of her key in the lock. She flipped on the entryway lights and threw her keys on the table under the mirror in the hall. Her bags made a loud thump as she dropped them on the floor.
"Julia?" she called.
I rubbed my eyes and tried to wipe away the smears of makeup that would undoubtedly be underneath them. "Yeah, Ellie. I'm here." I sat up on the couch and turned toward her. "How was your Thanksgiving?"
Ellie was in the kitchen getting out a bottle of wine and pouring a glass. "It was nice, thank you. Would you like some, Julia?" she asked.
I was still feeling shaky and very tired. Wine sounded good. "Sure. Thanks."
"Harris' mom is sweet, but she cooks one dry damn turkey, let me tell you! He said next year it's my turn to do the spread." She finished pouring two glasses of wine, bringing mine into the living room. "Shit. Can you imagine? Me cooking?" she mocked; her rosy face was glowing as she sat next to me and pressed the glass into my hand. "So? Tell me, how was your weekend with Ryan?" She looked into my face for the first time and her eyes widened as she noticed my swollen eyes. "Julia, what's wrong? You two didn't argue, did you?"
I laughed and took a swallow from my glass. The wine was smooth and soothing as I shook my head. "No. Far from it, El."
"Yeah. I could see it on Friday night. He told me that you talked about moving to the East Coast," she said softly but with a gentle smile.
I was nervous about her reaction. "Yes, we did talk about it. I-I mean..." I struggled with how to position it to her, but she read my mind and reached for my hand.
"Honey, you don't have to explain. I understand that you want to be with Ryan. He loves you so much, Julia."
I nodded and looked down at our hands. The tears were threatening again. "Shit, I'm such a damn mess! Can you believe this? All I've done since he left is bawl my eyes out and I hate that fucking shit, you know that, right?" I laughed mockingly, even though tears slid down my face. "He's amazing, Ellie. I thought I knew how incredible he was, but he's even more to me now. I never thought I could love him more than I already did...but I just...do."
Ellie set her wine down on the coffee table and curled her legs underneath her. "Tell me. I want to know everything. Absolutely everything!" she said with a grin. Her arm leaned over the back of the couch and she propped her head up on her fist, looking at me expectantly.
My heart filled as I recounted the wee
kend to her. "It was beautiful. Every second like a dream. Even if we didn't do anything but lie around and talk! I want nothing more than to be with him, Ellie. It's so...profound… it’s frightening. I can't put it into words, but I swear I'd chuck it all to be with him."
"I can see that. Friday night it was obvious how possessive he is; but then, it's always been obvious to me." She grinned as I leaned back against the soft cushions. "It’s about time the two of you finally admitted it! I'm sure Aaron and Jen will be happy to see Ryan in a better mood."
"Hmmmph." I let my breath out. "I'm not sure if he'll be in a better mood or not, considering we're both fully aware of what we've been missing now." I wagged my eyebrows at her and she burst out laughing. I couldn't help but join in.
"Like I said...tell me everything!"
Ellie listened intently as I told her about the weekend, drawing him in his sleep after his tender lovemaking, making dinner together, shopping and then the pain of our goodbye. When I got to that part, my eyes welled with fresh tears and I cursed myself.
"Am I a damn faucet or what? I can't seem to stop crying. I feel...so helpless."
She reached for my hand and squeezed it again. "Honey, why don't you fill up your glass and go take a hot bath. You'll feel better.”
I nodded and pulled myself off of the couch. Ellie rose and hugged me. "I'm really happy for you. The rest of us used to make fun of you guys behind your backs. So much friggin' sexual tension that it made us all horny for God's sake!" She laughed in my ear.
I drew back and went to grab the wine bottle. "Why, Ellie Jensen! I'm surprised at you! A proper southern belle like yourself, using the word horny. Holy shit!"
"Aaron used to say just being around Ryan's unrequited lust gave him a boner. He was so hilarious!"
Aaron. I smiled and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
My thought turned to how I was going to discuss this with my boss the following day. I loved my job. More than loved it and I would be sad if I had to give it up, but I'd do what I needed to do. Since my trip to Boston, I knew he loved me, but finally hearing it and the experience of being in his arms was more than I’d ever dreamed. I knew now how much I needed him….like food or air or water.