by Kahlen Aymes
My eyes blurred as pain surged inside. “I’m…not.”
“You’re not what?”
“I’m not…dealing. I’ve sort of pushed it down. I can’t bear to think about it. I didn’t know how badly I wanted her to have my baby until it was lost.” The tears ran down my face in silence and my voice broke. “I want everything with her. Words can’t…A child would have been…an amazing gift. I love her so much.” Angrily, I brushed the tears off of my face and cleared my throat. “Listen, I have to text Jen and Aaron is waiting for me.”
“Ryan. I’m so sorry.” The sympathy in her voice dripped off her words. She was crying, too.
“Yeah. Thank you. I’ll call you if something happens, okay?” I wiped my face with the back of my free hand and rose from the bed.
“Okay. If you need to talk, call anytime. I love you both.”
“Love you, too. Thanks.”
After I hung up, I went into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face briefly before firing off a text to Jenna.
Pregnancy test in bathroom. Get in there first and get rid of it. Box too. Counting on you to save my life.
My heart was pounding a hundred miles an hour until her answer came five minutes later.
Holy shit. Okay. I’ll let you know when it’s done.
Thx.
When I went back into the other room, I breathed a small sigh of relief. Aaron was changed and waiting impatiently. “What took you so long, gorgeous?”
“Don’t start with me. Like I said, I’m ready to beat the hell out of something and I’m in no mood for inane chatter.”
“What the fuck is your problem? It’s all that pent-up sexual tension that’s eating you,” he said as he followed me out the door. “Don’t take that shit out on me. Do something about it.”
We drove to the gym in silence and when we got there we both hopped on a treadmill for a twenty minute warm-up. We had a routine that we varied based on what our needs were. Today, I had a lot of frustration to get out, so it would be boxing and kickboxing. Aaron let me go first, bracing the bag against his body. He spread his legs to get a good foothold and then motioned to me with his hands that I could begin.
As I hit the bag over and over, varying my punches in strength and angle, one thing was occupying my mind. Julia. How much I missed her, how much I wanted her, how it was driving me crazy not to be able to touch her and what she might remember in New York. I felt helpless, angry, frustrated, hurt and downright horny. I was getting hard just by being near her, feeling the heat radiating between us, and her scent. I was hungry for her like I’d never been; missing the connection even more than the sex. I needed what only she could give me, had aches in places only she could assuage.
The university gym was in the student center and always busy no matter the time of day. It wasn’t unusual to see someone that we knew. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Liza and Claire lingering in the doorway to the weight room where Aaron and I were working the bag. Sweat was starting to run down my body in rivets as I attacked the bag without mercy.
“Looks like you’ve got a fan club,” Aaron murmured and nodded over his shoulder toward them.
“Stupid bitches,” I grunted between punches. “After four years, you’d think they’d get a damn clue.”
“They are hot,” Aaron said. I stopped to wipe the sweat out of my eyes with the towel around my neck. It was awkward with the gloves on, but they were starting to burn.
“Hadn’t noticed,” I said and went back to my workout.
“Ryan, come on. Julia’s been away all this time and I love her dearly, but you’re a guy. Guys have needs. It doesn’t have to mean anything and they’re certainly willing.”
I didn’t say anything, just hit the bag harder. He was jolted and readjusted his stance. I couldn’t believe he would even make that suggestion. He hadn’t said anything like that since before we graduated Stanford. Not since Julia and I were friends and I was frustrated as hell. Don’t even fucking go there, Aaron.
“And now…you seem so miserable. Maybe you need to cut loose a little.”
“That’s what I’m doing,” I said through clenched teeth while I kept pounding the bag with all my strength.
“You know what I mean.”
“Don’t.” I never thought my brother would say this shit to me and I didn’t want to hear it.
“You’re leaving here in a couple of months. God knows you need it. You’re ready to blow, brother. Julia doesn’t remember. She wouldn’t have to know.”
“Aaron, I said that’s enough!” I yelled angrily. I was so pissed I felt like my body would fly apart.
“Ryan…” he began, but I shoved the bag with such force that he stumbled back and nearly fell.
“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up, Aaron!” I felt the rage and pain well to overflowing. How could he even suggest such a thing? “I’ll smash your Goddamn face in if you say one more word, do you hear me?!”
“I’m just looking out for you! I see you suffering, you asshole! You’re killing yourself! You better think twice before you threaten me little man, because I’ll take your. Ass. Out!” He came at me and shoved me in the chest. Without thinking, I pulled back my right arm and let it fly with all the force I could muster, hitting him in his face at the temple.
He sprawled backwards onto the mats as tears welled in my eyes.
“Noooo!” I screamed at him. “Maybe it’s in you to fuck around on Jenna, but I will never do that to Julia!” Others were watching but I didn’t give a flying fuck. Liza and Claire moved in closer to see what was going on, their eyes wide and mouths agape in silent supplication. “It is impossible for me to even think about anyone else! You know that, so just shut the hell up! It would kill us both, for God’s sake! I’m in love, damn you!! So much I can’t even fucking breath. She’s all I want! She means everything and I just want her back like we were!” I was yelling, my chest was heaving. I took three stumbling steps back and began to turn from him, still on the floor, staring up at me with a stunned look on his face. “She’s all I want,” I said more softly, defeat and heartbreak lacing my tone.
I moved toward the locker room, ripping at the laces on the gloves with my teeth. I couldn’t breathe and was horrified by the stunned faces of those watching, but mostly that I’d just hit my brother.
“Ryan!” I heard Liza’s insipid little voice mewling behind me. It sickened me that she would chase me after what she’d just witnessed. For God’s sake. I’m sure she heard the entire confrontation and she was chasing after me like some bitch in heat after she’d heard me say I was in love with someone else. Even Claire looked disgusted by Liza’s display. Fucking incredible. “Ryan, wait,” she called again.
I held my hand in the air after I’d shoved the glove that I’d just removed under my arm. I walked faster until I was able to escape to the sanctity of the men’s locker room where she could not follow.
I pulled off the other glove and threw them both on the floor next to my locker, kicked off my shoes and shed all of my clothes in a pile. I grabbed a towel and went into the shower. The whole time my mind raced and my heart ached. I just punched my brother. I punched my brother over suggesting what Tanner and any normal red-blooded guy would suggest when one of their friends was in my situation. Except my situation wasn’t what they would consider typical. I leaned a hand on the wall to support my weight as the hot water rushed over me and stood there unmoving for several minutes.
My head was bowed and my eyes were closed, so I didn’t hear Aaron follow me. When he spoke I was startled and my head shot up.
“I’m sorry, Ryan,” Aaron began, “I know how much stress you’re under and I know how much you love Julia. It’s just that no one likes to see you suffering. I just thought if you could take the edge off, then you’d feel better. I’ve never seen you this fucked up and I was grasping at straws. I wasn’t suggesting that you leave her; just that you close your eyes and be selfish for twenty minutes. It was stupid.”
“Julia is all that matters. Nothing can make me feel better except her,” I said softly, reaching for the soap. “And when I close my eyes, she is all I fucking see, so what you are suggesting is completely impossible. Sometimes, I feel like no one can understand how much I love her. No one gets it. Not even you.” I lathered up my body quickly, longing to get home and call her. “Julia was the only one who knew and now I’m just so terrified that she won’t remember how much we meant to each other. It’s killing me. I’ve lost those eight years as much as she has,” I admitted honestly.
“She still gets it; even if she doesn’t know it yet. She made you lemon muffins, dude.”
I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “I’m sorry I hit you, Aaron. There’s no excuse for my behavior. I was a little wound up before we got here. Ellie called and told me that the positive pregnancy test was still sitting on the counter of Julia’s bathroom and I freaked out a little bit.” My voice was wooden, but I couldn’t help it. If I let myself soften, I’d probably completely lose it. I was exhausted and emotionally spent.
“Holy shit. I sometimes get so focused on Julia’s recovery that I forget about the baby. I’m sorry for being such an insensitive ass. I’m sincerely sorry, Ryan.”
I turned off the water and stepped out, wrapping the towel around my waist at the same time. He was still dressed and would most likely go back and lift weights for another hour.
“I’m going home. Can you get Tanner or someone to bring you when you’re done?” I dried my hair with another towel and ran a comb through it roughly.
“Yeah. No sweat.” He patted me on the shoulder after I threw on my clothes and then walked out of the locker room. We wouldn’t speak about this again.
Julia~
“Hey, Julia! It’s good to see you! Where have you been?” The nameless bellman called after me as Jenna and I passed through the marble lobby on the way to the elevators in the high rise building that I apparently lived in.
“I guess I do live here,” I said under my breath. “Hi!” I called and waved to the bellman.
“Were you in Boston with Ryan all this time?”
Okay, so he knew Ryan. Of course he did. “Uh, yep.” I smiled wide and nodded happily.
“Well, it’s nice to have you back. We missed your pretty face. Who’s your friend?”
“Oh, this is Jenna. She’s a friend from college.”
Jenna extended her hand to the man and he took it willingly. He gazed at her and she smiled. “And you are?” she asked.
“Adam, ma’am.”
“Nice to meet you, Adam.”
It was a good thing that Jenna took over the conversation because I was a little out of it, looking around the building and trying to pull things out of my memory. The tall glass windows, the high ceilings and the brass fixtures reflected off the black marble floors.
I was shaking slightly as we rode the elevator up and walked down the hall, again trying to remember something and chagrined because I didn’t. The floral smell was familiar though. That was something, at least.
“I really need to use the bathroom, Julia. Would you mind if I use it first?” Jenna mentioned as I pushed open the heavy wooden door and walked into the apartment.
“Yeah, sure,” I said offhandedly. She took off down the hall while I glanced around. There were pictures of my parents and the six of us scattered in small frames around the living room, some of just Ryan and me…more of only Ryan. The furniture was large and plush and the plants were dead. I walked over to one of them, and messed with the dried leaves.
There were candles in several places, all of them somewhat burned. The scent of vanilla lingered and there was contemporary art on the walls and a large mirror over the fireplace. An art table sat beside the window with a large lamp above it. The colors were some of my favorites, dark greens, taupe and browns. The kitchen was small with marble countertops and stainless steel appliances. Surely this place was expensive and I wondered more about my job at Vogue.
I dropped my bag on the couch and wandered to the bedroom. The door was open and I could see the queen size bed from the hall. It had lots of white bedding and fluffy pillows, but was strewn with clothes and open suitcases. Did I make this mess getting ready to go to Boston? I couldn’t believe I would have left it like this and I started to replace the outfits still on hangers back in the closet.
Jen walked in and sat down. “Anything?” she asked.
“Um, the smells are familiar but I don’t recognize the photos…or the apartment really. It feels familiar, but I have no actual memory of it.” I looked around the room. More burned candles on the bedside table and a large upholstered chair by the window and small table with a decorative lamp with a moss green shade. “Was I always this messy? It doesn’t seem like me.”
“No, I don’t think so, Julia,” she said, but didn’t elaborate.
“I thought I’d walk in here and everything would flood back,” I said sadly. “Wishful thinking, I guess.”
I fell into the chair and brought my legs up, curling them under me and leaned my head on my fisted hand.
“I’m sorry, sweets. Maybe with more time here, you’ll remember something.” She moved a pile of folded sweaters over so she could sit on the bed without messing them up.
“Yeah.” My phone rang in my purse in the other room and I jumped up to get it before it went to voicemail. I chastised myself as pain shot through me and I walked more carefully toward the sound. Of course, it was Ryan.
“Hey.”
“Are you there safe and sound?” His voice sounded tired.
“Yeah. Fine. How has your night been?”
“Don’t ask.”
“You sound exhausted. At least while I’m here, you get your bed back, hmm?” I teased gently.
“I guess.”
“Ryan, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, honey. I’m fine. I’m just waiting for you to tell me.” I knew what he meant. He wanted to know if I’d flashed.
“Oh, well, no, I haven’t remembered much. Some of the scents are familiar, but nothing concrete really.”
His heavy sigh flooded the phone. I wasn’t sure if he was upset or relieved. “Well, you’ll remember when you’re ready. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’re there safe. You’re not going out tonight are you?”
“I don’t really feel up to it. My ribs hurt. I might have Jen help me into the bath. That is, if I have a bathtub. I haven’t been in the bathroom yet.” I laughed softly but he didn’t join in.
“You have a bathtub, honey.”
“Have you been in it?” I prodded.
“Yes. Take a bath, a pain pill and go to bed. Jen should sleep on the couch. I don’t want anything bumping into you and hurting you.”
I sank down in the chair by my art table and noticed the black portfolio sitting on its side next to it. I leaned down and traced the fingers of my free hand over its edge. “Ryan, stop. I can’t have her sleeping on the couch when she was so nice to come with me.”
“Julia, don’t argue. Can you just do what I ask for once?” he said in irritation. I flushed uncomfortably at the tightness in his tone.
“Why are you mad at me?”
“I’m not. I just want you to take care of yourself. I tell you this stuff for your own good, not just to hear myself talk.”
“Okay then what’s bugging you?” I persisted. “Something is up. Tell me what it is.”
“Julia… Just let it go. I’m fine,” he answered flatly. The silence hung like a lead balloon over the conversation. He was withdrawing from me and I didn’t like how it made me feel.
“Why are you lying to me? I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t worry, I’m just worn out. I worked out really hard and now I’m going to eat and go to bed. I’m glad you’re safe, baby.” His voice softened and warmed slightly.
“Okay. Maybe you should take a bath, too. Are you sore?”
“Not yet. Probably w
ill be tomorrow. I’m gonna go get some of the lasagna. It smelled really good when Aaron was eating earlier. Thanks for the lemon muffins, honey. Did you know I loved them?”
“I figured it out because something just told me to make them.”
“I’m glad you did. I miss you. So much.” My heart squeezed as the words ripped out of him involuntarily.
“Me, too.” The truth of it was profound. A familiar ache constricted my chest. “It feels like I’ve missed you like this before. It hurts, not like the normal way people miss each other. Like it’s so much more.”
“Yeah, it hurts.”
“Ryan, tell me. Just tell me.”
“Julia, I’ll call you in the morning. Do what I said and rest. Please?”
He was so friggin’ exasperating when he clammed up like this, and always when I was getting closer.
“Okay. Goodnight, then.”
“Night.”
When the phone went dead, I threw it back on the couch. I bent over and pulled up my portfolio, intending to take it back into the bedroom and look through it with Jenna, but it was open and several drawings fell out and scattered all around the floor.
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. They were all of Ryan. My eyes welled with tears and I sank slowly to my knees, carefully gathering them up so they wouldn’t be damaged. I picked one up and examined it closely. I brushed at the tear that had slipped onto my right cheek with the back of my hand, worried that my tears would fall on the drawings and ruin them. Most were in pencil, but there were some in charcoal and a few in watercolors.
A sob caught in my throat as I looked at them, so lovingly created, so detailed and perfect. It was hard to believe they were mine. My fingers ran over the signature. I knew, for sure, that these were done by my hand, and the lack of memories hurt.
Jenna must have heard because she came out of the bedroom. “Julia, what’s wro…ong?” She stopped when she saw me on the floor with my drawings all around. “Oh my God,” she breathed.