by Kahlen Aymes
“Which part?” He pulled back and gazed at me. “Interrupting you with that jackass or for later, hmmm?” Emotions flickered in his eyes and when I wrinkled my nose, he smiled softly. I reached up to touch the side of his face with my left hand and rainbow reflections shot all over the room, falling across his features, the walls and the ceiling. I gasped.
“Uhhh…” My breath rushed out as my eyes flew from the diamond bracelet to meet his eyes. His hand immediately closed over mine and drew it to his mouth. He held it there, his lips moving softly over my skin and then the bracelet, his eyes never leaving mine. It was breathtaking. Our initials entwined like lovers, diamonds sparkling from the center and both sides, so delicate and amazing. My eyes welled with tears as my mind flashed to a dark place filled with candlelight, love and happiness. The feeling overwhelmed me. I closed my eyes, causing the single tears to slide from the corners of each of my eyes.
“Don’t cry, my love,” Ryan said as he kissed my right temple. “Julia, please don’t cry.”
I turned so he could fully enfold me in his arms. I ignored the pain shooting through my ribcage, buried my face in the curve of his neck and tightened my arms around him. “Oh Ryan…It’s so beautiful. It’s perfect. I’ve been missing it, haven’t I?” I asked, my voice overflowing with emotion.
“Yes.” He nodded ever so slightly, and then kissed the inside of my wrist again. “From almost the moment you woke up. I missed seeing it there, too.” His words were soft and reverent, flowing like warm honey over my senses. That voice would be my undoing. “So much, I can’t even tell you.”
His hand was stroking my hair, down my arm and hip and back again, his touch so soft and reverent, like I was made of glass. I watched him through my tears. His features were soft, but he swallowed like his throat hurt and closed his eyes for a second or two.
“I know,” I said in a whisper.
“Do you? Are you remembering anything?”
I swallowed the tightness in my throat as I searched for something in the back of my mind. I closed my eyes and the scene unfolded. “Yes. It was a place I don’t recognize. It was dark, except for soft candlelight. I remember how I felt when you put it on my wrist.” My voice cracked on the words and I looked at him. Finally, I was getting something that I could hold on to. “The love between us in that moment…so amazing.”
“Yes. We went skiing in Colorado; just the two of us. It was our first Christmas as a couple and we wanted to be alone. It was…amazing.” His hand cupped my face again, his thumb brushing away an errant tear along my cheekbone and his lips moved softly over mine like a feather caress.
I nodded silently. “That’s when you gave me that beautiful poem, too.”
His face split into a brilliant smile and he nodded. “Do you remember what you gave me?”
I tried but couldn’t place anything. Ryan could see the struggle on my face. “Well, you’ve remembered something and that’s enough for now. For the first time, I have real hope that you’re coming back to me,” he said softly, his tone low and velvet. My heart thrummed inside me.
“Ryan. I’m so sorry. This has to be hell for you.” I played with the front of his t-shirt as his hands continued to stroke up and down my body.
He pulled in a deep sigh. I knew he wouldn’t tell me how badly he’d suffered, so I searched his eyes imploringly, silently begging him for the truth. “I’m just thankful you’re okay. Having you…alive…and whole, is the most important thing.”
How could I have forgotten this incredible man? How could I forget the magnificence of a love like this? It filled me up to the point of bursting. I tilted my head so I could kiss his chin, covered in a full day’s worth of beard by now. It wasn’t prickly; it was soft and felt nice. He smelled divine. “You feel so good.”
“So do you. I’ve missed you in so many ways.” The words pulled from him as if he couldn’t help it, his tone low and guttural. “Last night…was…”
“Mmmm…Yes,” I said, smiling against his skin. He moved, pressing me closer. I moaned softly.
“Were you trying to make me jealous?” There was a hard edge to his tone. He wasn’t mad at me, but it wasn’t exactly the reaction I was looking for.
“No, I mean…I wasn’t, but I’m glad it turned out this way. I was missing you and you did need a little motivation.” I smiled at him. “It wasn’t a date.”
“Hmmph.” He let out his breath. “Could’ve fooled me.”
“Look what it got me. Here we are, all wrapped up together. All I wanted was time with you.”
“It was hard staying away, but it was easier than being…close.”
I pulled back, puzzled. “So why last night?”
He looked at me seriously. “You know why. Last night…I gave in to all I’d been fighting. I couldn’t help myself and it was incredible. It feels so good to be able to tell you I love you out loud.”
“I still don’t understand why you had to fight anything. You should’ve just told me. You still should.”
Ryan’s hand stopped its gentle kneading of my flesh and he rolled onto his back away from me. The look on his face told me that the conversation was over. “I’d rather talk about what in the hell you were doing with that jerk-off,” he said with false sharpness. He was teasing, but it was more an attempt to change the subject.
I couldn’t help smiling. I loved jealous Ryan. It gave me all kinds of butterflies in the pit of my stomach. “My, you have so many colorful names for Spencer this morning,” I teased. “I thought you said that you weren’t mad.” Now it was my turn to prop up on my elbow and tease. I winced and Ryan noticed.
“Julia, please stop doing things that hurt,” he said shortly. He rolled off of the bed and bent to lift me into a sitting position near the edge.
“Well?” I asked, not letting him change the subject.
“I wasn’t mad at you, but that prick crossed the line.” He powered on his computer, I assumed because he wanted to check email, and shot a look over his shoulder.
“I was bored. I missed you. When he called…I wanted to talk about my trip to New York. He’s the one person I can talk to about you. Jen and Aaron, even my parents, are doing what you ask and keeping their traps shut. Spence is the only one who can be impartial.”
His face hardened, his mouth setting in a firm line. “Are you fucking kidding me? You could have talked to me,” he muttered.
I got up and went to stand behind him, placing my hands on his shoulders. The muscles were tense and I squeezed slightly.
“You wouldn’t tell me. You’re avoiding it now, too.”
“He knows the truth, but he didn’t tell you either, right?”
“No,” I said in defeat.
“We agreed that it would be best not to push you, but he’s trying to drive a wedge between us. He wants you. I don’t trust him anymore.” He didn’t move, didn’t soften his posture, didn’t turn towards me and take me in his arms like I wanted.
“Ryan, are we really arguing about someone who means nothing? He can’t influence my feelings. Don’t you know me better than that?”
It was like he didn’t hear what I said. “You had to know how much you meant to me.”
I shrugged. “To a degree. You were very loving, but I was afraid you were only being a good friend, feeling obligated to take care of me. I wanted more. Every time I ask anything specific, you either ignore or deny me.”
Ryan turned and faced me. His eyes were flashing fire. “I never denied you. Not once! I fucking worship you.” My heart squeezed inside my chest at the pain and love that crossed his face. I wanted to hold him, but he walked quickly over to his dresser, opened the top drawer and dug around in the back before slamming it shut. He was in front of me in two seconds. “You want to know what we are?” His eyes were blazing; Ryan pulled my left hand forward and slid a diamond engagement ring on the third finger. His voice softened on the next words. “We are everything, Julia. Everything.”
“Oh my God,” I breathed
as I stared down at the beautiful ring. Tears flooded my eyes. Suddenly I was in his arms and he was burying his face in the curtain of hair at the side of my neck. “Ryan…I’m…” Between the emotions and the implications of the ring, I was speechless.
“I know you don’t remember when I proposed, and if you don’t want to wear it, I’ll understand. I just…” he said as his arms tightened around me tenderly, “I want everyone to know you’re mine. I need you to know it.”
We held each other without speaking, his heart beating heavily next to mine. He was warm and safe. I felt very much loved and completely cherished. Finally, I found my voice. “I thought we established that we owned each other last night.” My arms were around his neck and I moved both hands to thread though his hair and hold the back of his head. Love swallowed me whole and I held on for dear life.
“I guess we did,” he said as his hold loosened and he tried to move back a little.
I couldn’t help it, my arms tightened again. “No, don’t let go.” My eyes stung and my voice caught. “Don’t let go. I’ll never take it off.”
“I’ve missed holding you like this.” His arms were home, the hold he took of me was possessive and I wanted to be his more than anything; more than food or water or air. Nothing mattered more than Ryan. “Shhh, Julia,” he soothed me as I wept into him. “I know this whole thing has been confusing. I’ve wished over and over that I could make everything better for you.”
It was my turn to pull back so I could look into this face. “You do. Don’t you see how wonderful you are? From the moment I saw your face, I knew this was us.” I smiled through my tears. “Even though you’re so stubborn.”
He kissed my cheek and then my temple, all the while his arms still held me tight. “You’re remembering on your own and I think it will continue. I’ll tell you whatever I feel is safe, so can we just play it by ear?”
I should agree. After all, I now had a bracelet and engagement ring which was an amazing gift. If he wanted to take it slow, I could be happy with things for now. “Yes. Anything you want.”
“Hmmmph,” Ryan breathed. “Don’t be saying that, babe.” His hands slid down to cup my butt cheeks and he grinned as he gave them a gently squeeze. “What should we do today? I don’t have to work until three.”
He let me go and went into the bathroom. I could hear the water running in the shower and then he reappeared in the doorway. “Aaron will pester you to make breakfast, but I don’t want you to bother with it. Let’s go out.”
I felt my lower lip extend in protest. “I’ve really missed you.”
His eyes softened and darkened. I took in his body, lounging easily in the doorway, his arms raised up against the frame. The edge of his t-shirt was hitched up and I could see the fine trail of hair leading south and disappearing into his black sweats. I looked away, a flush in my cheeks. I can’t believe I’m feeling embarrassed looking at him after what he did to me last night.
“Me, too.” His eyes narrowed at the lust that he surely must have seen in my eyes. My girly parts were experiencing all sorts of throbs and tingles, leaving me shaken. Ryan had to know how he affected me; the look of lust on his face told me so. “I still have to work, but I’ll try to spend less time at the library. Now that things are more…out in the open, maybe being with you won’t be such torture.” He smiled, teasing. He was so disarming I didn’t stand a chance of resisting.
I ran a hand through my hair and moved toward the window to look outside. “I never wanted to torture you,” I said softly.
“Didn’t you?” he asked knowingly. “I don’t buy it, Julia.” His tone was amused so he wasn’t angry. “You knew what you were doing when you went out with him.”
I glanced at him and smiled. “Well, maybe I did hope that you wouldn’t like it.” I shrugged. “Just a little, though.”
“Riiiggghhhht. Go get dressed, love. It’s a gorgeous day, so let’s get coffee.”
Something about coffee and Sunday and cell phones passed through my head at his words. “Yeah. It’s Sunday, right?”
“Yes, exactly.” Ryan grinned and disappeared into the bathroom. I resisted the urge to follow, despite the open door. “And, what a beautiful Sunday, it is!” he called as I heard the shower door close behind him.
Ryan was in the kitchen with Jenna and Aaron when I finished dressing. There were only two bathrooms, one in each of the bedrooms, which made it necessary to take turns. I’d dressed in jeans and a periwinkle cashmere sweater, and although I’d dried my hair, it was still slightly damp. I was anxious to spend as much time as possible alone with Ryan. He was leaning against the counter, talking to the others seated at the table, looking amazing in jeans and a blue plaid button-down left open over a white t-shirt. He was laughing with Aaron when his eyes caught my approach down the hall.
“Hey, Jules, you’re looking fresh today,” Aaron teased. Something in his eyes told me that Ryan shared some of our evening. I flushed.
“Um, thanks,” I muttered uncertainly. “Did you guys have a nice time last night?” Ryan pushed away from the counter to take both of my hands in his.
“Yeah, you should have seen how Moore high-tailed it…” Aaron began, but Ryan cut him off.
“Aaron!”
Aaron rolled his eyes. “What, dude? You’re kidding, right? After you stole her right out from under his nose, you should have seen his face.” Aaron’s deep laughter rolled from within his chest.
“Yeah! Damn, it was priceless!” Jenna added. “I thought his head was going to explode!”
Ryan was trying not to laugh until finally he couldn’t help himself and joined in with Aaron and Jen. I smiled and nudged him in the arm. “You made your point. The poor guy probably won’t talk to me ever again.”
“If only I could be so lucky,” Ryan said, sobering. My heart swelled as he squeezed my hands. The look on his face was possessive and I was thrilled and satisfied at the same time.
“You will be,” I said seriously.
Aaron didn’t miss the undercurrent and whistled. “I guess it’s safe to say something major happened last night. Ryan doesn’t have that pinched, miserable look on his face. Whatever you did, Julia, keep doing it.”
I laughed softly. It isn’t what I did, it’s what Ryan did. I couldn’t say it aloud so just nodded. “Planning on it.”
“Aaron, leave them alone. You’re embarrassing Julia,” Jenna admonished. She and Aaron were dressed for the gym, no doubt taking advantage of a rare morning off together.
Ryan’s arms slid around me and he brushed a soft kiss across my mouth. Suddenly, he was all that existed in my world. I kissed him back and he increased the pressure as our mouths played with each other.
“Julia,” he breathed against my lips and then the side of my temple. “You taste so good. Are you ready to go? If we don’t leave, we won’t,” he groaned, followed by loud grumbling coming from his stomach.
“That’s what you get for not eating last night.” I kissed his jaw, allowing one hand to slide across his abdomen. The skin on his face was smooth and smelled of musk and soap. His arms tightened in a gentle hug and I found myself wishing he wasn’t so damn gentle. I wanted him to crush me to him, to feel his muscled frame pressing into my softer one.
“I had other things on my mind.” His breath rushed hotly over my ear as he whispered the words then reluctantly released me, taking my hand in his. “Okay, we’re out of here. Aaron, I’ll see you at the hospital. Enjoy your day off, Jen.”
“Yeah, it would be nice to have a whole damn day off with Aaron, but I’ll take what I can get. You two have fun.” I offered her a sympathetic look. I empathized because Ryan had been almost non-existent for the past two weeks. She winked at me quickly as we left.
I soaked in the beauty of the day. Ryan had opened the passenger door and I hopped in. The air smelled fresh and crisp, the scent of the lilacs that lined the street hung heavily in the air. The sky was a vibrant blue and the fluffy clouds floated all around.
I was grateful that Ryan’s graduation was near. He worked so damned hard and that wouldn’t change once he started residency. I wasn’t sure what our arrangement was before the accident except that I lived in New York and he lived in Boston. I only hoped he would come to New York because I really wanted to find out about my job and start having a productive life again. My heart fell slightly and he noticed the look on my face.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked as he navigated through the quaint streets of the neighborhood.
“Nothing. Just…wondering about stuff.”
“Baby, stop worrying, please?” He cocked an eyebrow; his cheeks had a rosy flush and his blue eyes, vibrant. The smile on his gorgeous mouth was relaxed, making my heart pound and my pulse increase erratically. I couldn’t help but smile back. He was right, I shouldn’t worry. Not today.
“Okay. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t pester you for information, Matthews.”
“God forbid, that could ever happen!”
“Well, since you’re so damn sure of me, I’d hate like hell to disappoint you,” I returned dryly.
His grin widened and he shook his head. “Never.”
The little coffee shop near the Harvard Campus was filled with aromas that assaulted us as we walked through the door and my stomach rumbled. Ryan had to be famished.
I listened to the sureness in his voice as he ordered me a large iced coffee, with sugar free vanilla syrup and a splash of cream. Inherently, I knew that was right. I loved the way he took charge and made sure I had everything I wanted.
He pulled out a chair for me and then set two bagel and egg sandwiches on the table along with his cappuccino before he took the seat to my left. Taking my hand, he kissed it, his lips grazing over the large diamond that was now in residence there, before picking up his food and taking a huge bite.
“So…coffee Sundays?” I questioned. Ryan nodded. “I remember cell phones in reference to coffee Sundays, so I guess we weren’t always together.”