by Kahlen Aymes
“Cause he was, right?”
I rolled my eyes at her exaggeration. “Whatever. That idiot attitude was what encouraged him. Basically, he was obnoxious. I had a date that year, he didn’t.” The chocolate ice cream was calming my stomach down. It tasted good, and I was almost finished with the entire pint. “I ended up blowing off my date to hangout with my best friend.” I fell into my thoughts.
“Aaron. Chill, dude. Stop fidgeting, for Christ’s sake! You’ll scare the shit out of her.”
“Shut up! It’s only because you’re never invested in your relationships that you can be so cool about women. I actually care about this girl.” Aaron was agitated.
“You’re right. I’m not the fawning type.” Aaron seemed confused by Ryan’s statement. “I don’t fawn. I bask in the fawning.” Ryan touted, grinning.
Aaron frowned blankly back as I watched the two of them. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You! You’re a mess. Get your balls back, man!”
“Well, some of us have to work at it, pretty boy.”
“Yeah, Ryan, you have it easy! I mean, look at that mug!” I huffed, feeling sorry for Aaron. He was cute, but Ryan was… stunning. “It’s not as if you’ve ever had to work for it, so cut Aaron a break!”
I was sitting on the chair at the other end of the sofa in the apartment Ryan shared with Aaron. I tried to concentrate on my calculus assignment.
“Shut up, Abbott.” He nudged my shoulder and that familiar tingle ran through my entire body. “You’ve probably got gaggles of poor assholes just waiting in line with hearts and flowers today. What happened to that sap making googly eyes at you in the library yesterday? Poor bastard!” Ryan scoffed.
My eyes lifted from my assignment, and I scowled at him. “Martin Frank? You’ve got to be kidding me!”
One side of Ryan’s mouth quirked in a smug smirk. The guy was a nerd, and I wasn’t all that interested because I was in love with my best friend, and I had to cover however I could manage.
“Yeah, you guys could probably use the grease in his hair for lube.” Ryan continued to goad and tried to smother a laugh.
I smiled and bit my lip, my eyes locked with Ryan’s deep blue ones as I tried not to grin. “Um, not all women need lube you know, Matthews. Maybe you aren’t motivating enough.” I could hardly contain my laughter as I gave as good as I got. He turned the tables as usual.
“Humph!” He snorted in disgust. “That’s not why they need it,” he said dryly.
“Ugh,” I moaned. My cheeks lit up like a firecracker. “Whatever. Your ego knows no bounds.”
“It’s part of my incredible charm.”
Andrea shook her head. “You guys have a lot of great memories.”
Her words brought me out of the past and into the present and the gravity of the situation. My expression sobered.
“I’m scared to go home. What if he doesn’t want me anymore?”
“He wants you.” She was so mater-of-fact, and I wanted to share her confidence. “You’ll see. As soon as you get back, it will all be fixed, and you’ll hop off into forever and have lots of babies. Looks like you’re mostly packed.”
My suitcase was open, sitting on the end of the bed and visible through the doorway. “Except a couple things.” I stopped to consider her words, and my mind reverted to the past again to another time I was packing and feeling sick. A small smile lifted my mouth, and my hand wandered down to rest on my stomach. It was perfectly flat, but I’d only had one period since I’d been here and it was only just spotting.
“Andrea… I’m pregnant.” Not… I could be, I might be… I knew when it happened; the night after the gala; that angry, passionate, amazing and horrible night. Right before I left him.
She flashed a bright smile and jumped up to hug me “That’s why you puked! See? Ryan did give you something for Valentine’s Day!”
Chapter 14
RYAN~
I had no idea what to expect when I found Julia. Physically, I felt strange, like I was out of my body or something. My arms had a weird tingling to them like they were asleep; sort of numb, except I could move them, but then again, I was exhausted from the flight. It was about six and half hours in the air, but the time on the plane and in the airports made it more like twelve. I tried to sleep on the plane, but couldn’t. From the time I’d made the decision to go after Julia, until this minute, was only eighteen hours. Eighteen hours? I repeated the figure in my head. It felt like eighteen fucking years. The prior six weeks seemed like an eternity. It was like I hadn’t seen her in forever. This separation was the worst of our lives; it had been the longest I’d ever gone without talking to Julia since we met. Times forty. But, who was keeping track?
I spent the whole flight thinking. I couldn’t believe how blind I’d been about Jane. I began to see it clearly around Christmas, but before that, I had no clue what she was up to. Maybe my guilt just didn’t want to see the way she was manipulating me. I still felt bad for her situation, but the episodes at Lincoln Center and in the doctors’ lounge were big wake-up calls.
Julia and I were another story. I’d been wrong, but bottom line, she didn’t trust me. It still ripped through my guts like a razor, and I couldn’t reconcile any of it. How could she not trust me? How could she not understand that she was my entire reason for living? After everything we’d been through, and all the time that passed, hadn’t I proven it a hundred times?
My heart hammered painfully. I was filled with worried anticipation, fear, and unadulterated resentment. Would she want to see me? I was still so damn mad that I couldn’t see straight, even now, knowing why she left. She deserved to have me rail and scream at her, but maybe I needed her forgiveness as much as she needed mine. And what if she didn’t even want to be with me anymore? That possibility scared the shit out of me and made my skin break out in goose bumps. Was she happy in Paris? It didn’t matter. I’d say any Goddamn thing necessary to get her home where she belonged.
Even if I had to restart my residency at a new hospital, I’d separate myself from any contact with Jane. Whatever. I wanted my life back, but I needed Julia’s trust; losing her was incomprehensible. I closed my eyes briefly to steady my nerves, before handing money to the cabbie and exiting the car. Unsure of the currency exchange rate, I shoved a wad of Euros in his hand. He looked at the bills and smiled with a nod. Apparently it was enough.
The cold February wind ripped cruelly through my jeans, whipping my hair into my eyes. It was the icy type that would your make ears ache and give you frostbite. I searched the street for the café name that was waiting in Andrea’s long stream of texts when I landed and was completely disoriented in my direction in the unfamiliar landscape. The cloudy sky didn’t help. I anxiously quickened my steps toward the end of the street.
I was frustrated with everyone involved. The whole fucking thing should never have happened. My eyes were hungry for the familiar curve of Julia’s face and I wanted the hole in my chest to close. I was cold and shivering, but wasn’t sure if it was the temperature or apprehension. I swallowed the tightening in my throat and tried to convince myself that our relationship would come out stronger, just like it always did when we had a hill to climb.
I pushed away thoughts of the angry exchanges and the long nights I’d suffered without her. My resolve strengthened, despite being uncertain how either of us would react when she finally stood in front of me.
I shoved my hands into the pockets of my leather coat and ducked my head against the cold, turning the corner on Saint-Germain Boulevard in search of the café de Flore. Andrea said Julia hadn’t been to work in two days, except a couple of hours on Friday, but habitually visited there every Sunday. I’d wait all day if necessary. It was Sunday. My heart leapt hopefully.
Nerves made my stomach ache and my mind race back to the night I sped over to Julia’s apartment all those years ago. I had a date with someone else, and felt suffocated. It was then that I’d finally been able to face that I
was in love with my best friend. I felt the same now; jumping out of my skin at the uncertainty of how she’d respond. In the end, I’d chickened out of telling her I loved her, content to just be with her and grateful she wasn’t with another guy. After that, we spent even more time together, and I only loved her more.
I inhaled deeply as my hand splayed out on the brass plate to push the front door open. She’d kept her feelings as hidden as I had yet we both felt the same overwhelming love. I prayed to God nothing had changed.
The welcome warmth of the restaurant engulfed me. It was a quaint little place filled with mahogany antiques, dark burgundy upholstery, and a lot of black and white framed art. Plush cushions were tied to the seats of the chairs surrounding each small, round table. Similar to coffeehouses in the United States, there was a roaring fire with some larger upholstered chairs and a sofa around it where patrons could cozy up for hours.
My breath caught as my eyes landed on Julia, fully ensconced in Mike Turner’s embrace. My hands fisted at my sides and my heart dropped like a stone. Light exploded behind my eyes and fire ignited under the skin of my face and neck. A few seconds and a few quick strides later, I was standing above them, hovering over them. There were tears on Julia’s cheeks. Her arms were around the other man’s shoulders, her fingers curled tightly around a white handkerchief.
I huffed loudly enough to get their attention. “I came to remind you that I didn’t forget you. That I could never forget you, but apparently I’m too late,” I said as stoically as I could manage. I broke out in a cold sweat; I couldn’t seem to move, though I was shaking violently. I wanted to rip Julia from Turner’s arms and beat the living shit out of him.
Her eyes opened instantly at the sound of my voice and she gasped; scrambling away from Turner, toward me.
“Ryan!” The flash of happiness on her face was quickly replaced with panic as she took in the muscle working in my jaw and the anger surely burning in my eyes. I turned on my heel and strode quickly toward the door.
“Ryan!” she exclaimed painfully, hurrying after me. “It’s not what it looks like, Ryan!”
Fire burned through my gut, my chest was aching and hollow, it hurt, and I couldn’t breathe very well. The few people in the restaurant all stopped their conversations and watched my wife run after me as I made a hasty exit. My lips pressed together angrily, and I seemed lost for words though I wanted to shout at her. I wanted to get away, but I also wanted to take her in my arms and never let go for the rest of my life. Somehow, I kept walking, willing my legs to create distance as disbelief shattered through me like shards.
“Ryan, please!” Julia called after me again. The cold wind hit me in the face, the door banging loudly as my palms connected and it burst open.
“Ryan!” Julia’s voice rose in desperation and her little hand closed around my wrist when she caught up to me… half-running beside me.
I stopped suddenly and faced her. “What?” I flung her hand away. Mike Turner emerged from the café half a block behind us, and his eyes met mine. “Is your boyfriend worried you might remember you’re married? You seem to have forgotten easily enough!” I spat.
Both of our chests were heaving, our breaths mingling in a winter fog between us. Julia’s teeth also began to chatter, which made me realize she’d chased me out of the restaurant without a coat. Her chin trembled as I glared at her, but still, she reached for me with both arms.
“Ryan, pl… please. You kn… know that’s nuh… not true.” Her green eyes, filling with fresh tears, implored me to have mercy on us both. “You’re st… still the only one. Th… the only one who’s tuh… touched me.”
The tight knot in my gut loosened slightly as I glanced over her head at the other man, who turned away, heading the opposite direction down the block. Her fingers curled into my forearms as she shivered in front of me, her eyes pleading. She was suffering. I could feel it as if it were myself. I sucked in my breath and instantly pulled her into a tight embrace, holding her close to me.
Fuck it all! She was my wife, and no matter what, I loved her beyond how any normal man loved a woman. She owned me, and I knew it.
“I am so Goddammed mad at you right now, I can’t even fucking breathe!” When she began to clutch at my shirt and sob into my chest, I almost broke. “I’m going to yell and scream at you until I’m hoarse, I swear to God!” My arms tightened as I wrapped her inside the opening of my coat, warm against me. My lips found her temple and then the side of her face, the salt of her tears on my tongue. My own eyes blurred. “Jesus, I was so worried about you. Right now, all I wanna do is make sure you’re okay.”
Julia’s arms wrapped tightly around my waist under the jacket, her fingers fisting in the material of my shirt, and her head rested on my chest.
She clung to me, crying my name over and over, in the middle of the Paris street; the snow softly falling, the busy city noises fading into oblivion as the moment suffocated me. I wondered if she had an explanation to offer, and despite what she said, was Turner part of the reason she left me? The knot began to tighten again, the ache gnawing away at my insides.
“I thought… when you didn’t call back… that you were done with me.”
My jaw tensed, and I closed my eyes just before the words tore out through clenched teeth. “What do you think? That I could walk away from you even if I fucking wanted to?” I was furious that she’d even consider the possibility, but my heart squeezed as her little body shook with sobs in my arms. I couldn’t know if we’d be able to get through all the mistrust, but I knew we loved each other so much I wanted to rip the heart from my chest, it hurt so bad.
My hands found her shoulders, and I pushed her back gently, my eyes seeking hers. The green orbs held the same loving expression I’d seen a million times, but deep sadness also. I fought the urge to brush my knuckles across her cheek when her foggy breath and chattering teeth reminded me how cold she must be.
“Come on.” I shed my coat and wrapped it around her shoulders, leading her back to the café where we gathered up her coat, handbag, and briefcase. The waitress had it all waiting for us by the entrance.
“Merci.” I thanked the woman quietly and helped Julia on with her long, black wool coat, cashmere scarf, and matching gloves and quickly shrugged back into mine. I tried hard to ignore the soft aroma of her perfume, which had wiggled its way into the lining of my coat in the mere moments she’d worn it. There were so many memories attached to that scent, and in this moment, it hurt too much to remember.
I hailed a taxi, and after joining me inside, Julia quietly murmured an address. I didn’t ask her where we were going, and she didn’t ask me if I wanted to go with her. Despite the tearful reunion, there was a lot of shit to clean up, and the invisible wall between us was awful. I wanted to hold her and forget everything that happened, but I knew we needed to hash everything out or we’d never recover.
Part of me was afraid to crack open the wound, terrified of the possibility we couldn’t survive. Even when she couldn’t remember me, I knew I’d be in her life, at least as her friend. Now, the future was uncertain; except that I’d love her until I died… no matter if we were together or not. We were both fragile, and I wasn’t going to begin the conversation here. By New York time, it was the middle of the night and I was dead on my feet. There would be plenty of time to talk when my head was clear and sanity returned.
The fingers of one hand tried to rub away the burn in my eyes. I followed Julia into the lavish hotel wordlessly. I didn’t take note of our surroundings. I didn’t care where we were.
She dug in her purse for the key card and handed it over when we got to the door of the room. It was dark inside with the curtains pulled. Part of me hesitated, not wanting the lights on, not wanting to see the world she’d created in Paris without me.
“I just want to sleep.” My voice sounded dead and distant, even to me. “I haven’t slept in… Well, for a while.”
“Don’t you want to t ta—”
“We can talk later. I’m pissed and exhausted. It’ll be easier later.” I sensed, rather than saw, Julia nod. “I know it’s morning for you, but I need to go to bed.”
“Okay,” she agreed, dropping her coat on a sofa and preceding me into another room, which had to be the bedroom of the suite. The light she switched on was low and filtered toward me enough to allow me to drop my bag on the couch, place my coat with hers, and follow.
The suite was elegant but lacked anything that would make it Julia’s space. The low light was coming from the attached bathroom, and I could hear Julia moving around in there. When she came out, she looked ready for bed, too, which I didn’t expect given the early morning hour. I cocked an eyebrow in question.
“I’m really tired, too. All the crying wipes me out,” she offered in explanation. I didn’t question it, just took it as a blessing, because maybe with her next to me, I’d finally be able to get the deep sleep I needed. I pulled off my shirt and kicked off my Nikes one by one. I inhaled and ran a hand through my hair. Then it occurred to me. Was I supposed to sleep in here with her? Should I go to the couch in the other room?
“Are you hungry? I don’t have much food, but I have yogurt and fruit, and Pellegrino if you’re thirsty. Or, I can call room service.”
“I’m okay.” The silence was awkward. It felt foreign, and I hated it.
“Do you need anything? You don’t have much for bags,” she asked quietly.
I shook my head, not knowing what the fuck I was doing. I shrugged in defeat. “Uh, toothpaste, and I don’t have a toothbrush either.” My mind flashed to all the times in college when we’d pulled all-nighters or I’d ended up crashed at her and Ellie’s apartment after parties. She’d finally bought me my own toothbrush to have on hand.