by Kahlen Aymes
“Do you want juice?”
“Sure.”
I’d decided not to nurse because I wanted Aidan easily consoled by either one of his parents and I didn’t want to hoard all of the special times with the baby by making him solely dependent on me. Some of my favorite moments were watching Ryan with him and he valued the closeness with our baby.
I never ate while feeding the baby so he didn’t offer food, but sat a glass of orange juice in front of me before sitting down to my immediate left and shoved his spoon into his frosted flakes. I smiled
“You need to start eating oatmeal or Total. Aidan will be hooked on those damn things, too.”
Ryan paused after taking a bite, grinning back at me. “They’re good.”
“They’re full of sugar.”
“What’s the difference if I ladle sugar onto corn flakes or eat these instead? I ate these my whole life and you never said anything about it. Breakfast of champions.” He loaded his spoon extra full and filled his mouth. “Yum!”
I tried to scowl but I had to laugh instead. I couldn’t argue with Ryan. He was hilarious and I could tell when Aidan got a little older, I’d really be in for it. I couldn’t wait.
The baby’s eyes got heavy as he suckled the body and Ryan reached over and brushed his knuckles over Aidan’s head and then the curve of my face. He’d stopped eating and was gazing at me intently, and my eyes locked with his.
“I want you to go, but I’m going to miss you.”
“Me, too. I don’t have to go.”
“No. It’s crazy for you to stay here, when you could be with the family.”
“You’re my family, babe. You know that.”
Ryan’s expression softened further and I could see the love and joy my words brought for him.
“I know. I’m sorry I have to work so damn much. It sucks. I’m afraid I’ll miss out on Aidan growing up.”
I remembered voicing that concern before we ever decided to try getting pregnant, and I wouldn’t trade Aidan for anything, but my heart felt sad that Ryan missed so much time with him. I took a load of video of the baby for him whenever he was working and sent it to his phone and I knew he loved every minute of it, but it was also bittersweet that he wasn’t actually with us. I tried the best I could to share as much as possible.
I was lucky. My job with Vogue had somehow morphed around my situation and I was grateful. It allowed me to work when Aidan was sleeping and still be a full-time mommy. I felt sad for Ryan that he couldn’t spend as much time with our son as I did.
I could feel his sadness as if it were my own. My throat tightened but I pushed the sorrow away and I smiled brightly.
“Hey, we’re going to celebrate in a couple of days. Right?”
“Yeah.” Ryan’s lips lifted in a soft smile and he resumed eating his breakfast.
“Is Jen meeting you here?”
The boys’ plan was for Jenna and I to take a cab to Logan International because the guys would both be working and they didn’t want to leave a car parked in airport parking.
“Yes, Aaron is dropping her off in a little while.”
Jenna was meeting me at our house and we would be going to the airport, but not for what Aaron and Ryan had planned for us.
Ryan couldn’t hitch a ride to the hospital with Aaron because their schedules didn’t mesh, so he left fifteen minutes later, with some long kisses, tight hugs and promises to call several times in the next three days. I went upstairs into the bedroom and set the scene, leaving the iPod and the note on Ryan’s pillow after making up the bed.
Shortly after I’d laid Aidan down for his morning nap, Jenna knocked on the back door before coming in. She was looking beautiful, her cheeks pink from the cold and her long, blonde hair streaming straight down from the red beret-styled stocking hat she wore. She grinned from ear to ear.
“Suckas!” she giggled and I joined in. “This will be a blast!”
Our little plan began to take shape. Ryan’s bombshell just two days prior had me scrambling to get it arranged in time, but he was so exhausted, he’d gone straight to bed right after our love-making session on the staircase and a quick shower. I was able to call Jenna without him knowing what I was up to and she’d readily agreed. Luckily, she was reluctant to leave Aaron behind as well and we both got to work making phone calls. That hard part was convincing both sets of parents to change their plans at the last minute, but somehow we pulled it off. Gabriel and Elyse would be flying in to Boston, instead of Jenna and I flying out. As would my parents, Paul and Marin. Gabe didn’t have any surgeries planned that week and my parents had already planned on traveling, so were able to make the change.
Jenna and I both had cancelled our airline tickets the morning before so now she sat with me making a grocery list for the evening meal. I told her what to write down as I unpacked my suitcase and stashed it away.
Despite Ryan’s logic and his argument for sending me to Chicago with Aidan, I just couldn’t bear to be away from him on Christmas. Even if he wouldn’t be home for most of it, I couldn’t have him feeling alone or sad. Everyday was precious, but Christmas was meant to be with those you loved most. And God knew who that was for me. My place was always beside Ryan. No exceptions.
“Did you have to pack a suitcase to fool Aaron, too?” I asked, grunting as I shoved the suitcase over my head and back on the shelf at the top of my closet.
“Pfft! Hell, no!” Jenna laughed. “He was passed out on the couch when I packed.” She made quote marks with two fingers on both hands. “You couldn’t get away with that, huh?” She asked, her eyebrow shooting up in amusement.
“No. I tried. Ryan was giving Aidan a bath and I thought I could, but we both ended up playing with him through the whole thing. I had no choice but to do it for real while Ryan played with Aidan in the middle of the bed. He carried the suitcase out to the entry afterward anyway, so there was no way could it be empty or he’d be wise to what I was up to.”
“I’ll babysit my nephew… you can do the hard stuff.” Jenna grinned at me. She and Aaron loved Aidan dearly and doted on him constantly. They would make excellent parents when the time came, and I felt safe leaving the baby with them the one time Ryan and I were able to have a date night since he was born.
We decided that the Christmas Eve meal would be simple. Hors de Oeuvres, fresh bread, cheese and fruit and two soups. I made clam chowder and hearty Beef and Lentil soup with a clear broth base. I’d be able to make them and put them in crockpots on the counter so everyone could help themselves. When Ryan came home to a dark apartment, and he’d think that I’d set him up for the time I’d be away.
After our shopping trip, Jenna changed Aidan’s diaper and gave him his bottle, sitting in the living room, cooing at my son while I braised the beef and made the chocolate cake for the Black Forest I’d serve for dessert. All of the boys adored it and it was difficult enough that I didn’t make it very often. I hadn’t been able to cook as many elaborate meals since the birth of my baby.
The timing was right, and when Jenna put Aidan down for his afternoon nap, it was time to go pick up Ryan’s parents at the airport. I took a quick shower while she was gone and soon after, found myself ensconced in a huge bear hug from Ryan’s father.
Elyse kissed my cheek briefly. “Where’s my grandson?” She beamed at me. “I’m dying to get my hands on him.”
“He’s napping, but he should be up soon.”
“I’ll just look in on him.” She smiled brightly and headed off down the hall.
“Elyse. Let the baby alone,” Gabriel smiled at me and shook his head when his wife ignored him and disappeared down the hall. “She’s been driving me crazy.”
“Thank you for coming, and changing plans so fast.” He was still holding both of my hands and squeezed them.
His green eyes, so like his son’s, sparkled down at me. “Our pleasure. Thank you for loving my son.”
I smiled and nodded. Nothing needed to be said in response.
> “When do the boys get done tonight?” he asked.
“Aaron around six. Ryan—it’s hard to say. At least 9. Depends on how busy they are. His schedule was 8 to 8, but he never get’s home on time.”
Elyse came into the room carrying a still sleeping baby in her arms.
My eyes widened. “How did you manage that? He always wakes up when I pick him up when he’s asleep.”
“I’ve either had more practice, or I’m Grandma. I’m unsure which. He’s so beautiful! Gabe, look at his little dimples and long eyelashes.” She brought him near Gabriel, who gazed down lovingly.
“Yes, he’s perfect.”
I was glowing and went to offer them something to drink and eat. “We’re eating late, so can I get you a snack?”
Soon, Aidan was awake, so I took him so Elyse could eat the sandwich I’d made for her. I changed him and got him fed, but it wasn’t long before Gabriel had him. I laughed at how he laid him on his knees and baby talked at him. It was strange watching it, though I should have expected that Ryan’s distinguished father, would turn to goo around the baby, like we all did.
Aidan’s wide eyes watched his grandfather intently and his dimples deepened in a smile and his grandparents turned to mush. It was amazing to watch. He was getting to the age where every thing he did was so adorable and was smiling a lot and playing with toys. I set up his play gym so they could lay him down and let him bat at the dangling objects to make noise and watch the blinking lights run across the top. It was one of his favorite things and it would occupy him for a while.
I left the three of them with the car seat and promised to meet them at Jenna’s and Aaron’s after I picked up my parents. Jenna and I planned on all of us being over there when Aaron came home for his surprise.
“Meet you at my house, girl!” Jenna called as I pulled on my coat.
“Yep! I turned the soup down to low, so it should be fine. Jenna, if you can just stash any dishes in the dishwasher, I’d love you. I don’t want any evidence we’ve been here all day when Ryan gets home.”
“Okay. No problem.”
“Love you guys!”
Elyse and Gabriel were both on the floor with Aidan, completely mesmerized by their first grandson, and barely noticed I was leaving.
At Logan, I parked the car and made my way into the American Airlines terminal to wait for my parents. They were back together and my mother was living with my father in San Francisco, which made me very happy. Both of them were much more content. I could see it when they came walking up the ramp, my father’s hand around my mother’s shoulders. She smiled as he bent his head and spoke to her.
As soon as she saw me, she broke from the embrace to hurry toward me and hug me tight. She smelled like my mother. The same perfume that she’d worn her whole life floated around me.
“Ugh.” I grunted and laughed when my father’s sturdy frame smacked against my back and he enfolded us both in a huge embrace.”
“My two girls! I love it!”
“Hey, Daddy.”
“Hello, princess.”
I stepped back from them. Each one had a small bag and I took my mothers. “Thank you for doing this.”
“Aww, honey,” my mother said and hugged me again. “We should have planned this in the first place.”
“Do you have checked bags?”
They didn’t, so we made our way out of the airport and into terminal parking.
The whole way back to Aaron and Jenna’s my mother shot off question after question about the baby. My father sat in the backseat and smiled at me in the rearview mirror as I navigated from the interstate and into their neighborhood. I grinned back.
“Maybe Ryan and I will get some sleep tonight now that we’ll have help with Aidan if he wakes up.”
“Isn’t he sleeping through the night, yet? You did by the time you were two months old,” my mom replied. “But you’ll get no complaints from me.”
“He still wakes up once.”
“Maybe you need to start him on some cereal before bed. If he didn’t get hungry, he wouldn’t wake up.”
I sighed and parked the car. “Yes. Ryan suggested the same thing, but the pediatrician insists we wait until he is closer to six months.”
“Oh, for pity’s sake, Julia. Your husband is a doctor. Surely he knows what is best for his son.”
I smirked and cocked my head to one side and by the time my father and I had climbed out of the car my mother was history. “Okay, we’ll— try it.” I stumbled on the words when I realized I was speaking to myself.
I looked up and my mother was already at the door and Jenna was opening it with Aidan in her arms. “Okay, well, thanks for listening, Mom,” I mumbled.
“You can’t blame her. That baby is all she’s been talking about since he’s been born.”
The evening should have flown by, both sets of parents doting on Aidan and all of us catching up. It was fun when Aaron came home and we all hid in the bedrooms, though he was wise to it, because it wasn’t like Jenna to leave a spread of food laid out on the dining room table. But, I was anxious for my own husband to be part of the group.
“What the hell?” we heard Aaron mutter; followed closely by a loud bellow. “Jenna!”
But it was Elyse who burst out of the room and down the hall first to find the surprise on his face before he scooped her up in a big bear hug. “Mom!”
Elyse planted a kiss on her son’s cheek and Aaron smiled broadly and wagged his finger at Jenna and I who were grinning at him.
“You are sneaky asses, but I love it!”
It was wonderful to see Aaron hug his parents than mine, happiness glowing like a beacon from his face. “Ryan invited me over later, so we were just going to hang out, but this is better. Does he know?”
Aaron flung his arm around Jenna and kissed her cheek. “No. Why were you going there instead of here? He could have come over after his shift.”
Aaron’s face twisted wryly. “Really? We knew Jules would leave food, of course!”
“Speaking of Ryan, I’d better feed Aidan and then I’m going to beat him home and hide in the closet!”
“What? Are we eating friggin’ sandwiches on Christmas Eve?” Aaron blurted.
“Aron!” his mother admonished.
“What’d I say?” Aaron looked nonplussed. “Jules is here… and we have a meat tray?”
Jenna smacked Aaron on the back of his head. “No. We’re going over there later, dickhead. All of us.” Everyone burst out laughing except Aidan who was getting cranky and fidgeting in my mother’s arms.
I took Aidan in my arms and settled down to feed him. I hadn’t had my hands on him all night and he was beginning to fuss. I was as eager to hold him as he was to get in my arms.
“Hush, baby.” I nuzzled his cheek with my nose and kissed his temple. “Mommy missed you, too. Are you ready to eat?” Aidan settled right down against my chest, content to be with me and have his bottle. It wasn’t long before he was sleeping. Elyse and my mother both sat near me, unable to take their eyes of my son for an instant.
“You’re a wonderful mother, Julia,” Elyse said lovingly. “Ryan must be very proud of both of you.”
I touched Aidan’s cheek softly with the index finger of my right hand even though I held the bottle in that hand. He was so precious. I glanced from my son to both of our mothers. “He’s so like Ryan. Did you see the little dimples?” I smiled.
“Yes, darling. He’s so beautiful. He’ll be another lady-killer, for sure, and it’s plain how much he adores you. He quiets right down when you take him.”
I was rocking Aidan in my arms as he sucked on his bottle with his tiny body plastered up against mine snuggly. I loved the feel of him against me, so content and safe.
“He’s perfect.” I looked up at both of them and knew my face had to be full of the love I felt, and my throat tightened slightly with the emotions racing through me. “They both are.”
RYAN~
I was tired. My
legs ached slightly from standing all day, but as I pulled into our driveway my heart fell slightly. The Christmas lights were on outside because they were on a timer. It didn’t look any different than it did the night before, no outside evidence that inside, it was quiet, without my wife and child waiting for me.
I’d texted Aaron when I left Mass General so it wouldn’t be long until he’d be here, making it less lonely. We’d probably eat whatever Julia left us, drink beer and watch ESPN like it was just another night. I inhaled a deep sigh as I turned the key in the lock.
The inside of the house glowed with the tree lights that Julia had left on for me, and the house smelled wonderful, but I couldn’t place the aroma. I’d get a shower fast before Aaron arrived, knowing he’d beat a path to my door because he’d be starving by now.
I dropped my keys on the end table and left my coat on the sofa before climbing the stairs. There was a lamp on in the bedroom, which seemed odd, until I saw something lying on the center of the bed. It was a note from Julia and her iPod.
I picked them up and sat down on the edge of the bed, kicking off my shoes at the same time. The note wasn’t in an envelope, and it smelled of Julia’s perfume. I unfolded it and began to read.
Ryan,
Leaving you was hard. I don’t want to be away from you on Christmas Day or any day. I know you think you were doing what’s best for me, but being away from you is never best for me… or Aidan. It hurts.
Every time you touch me, my heart and body melt … as if it’s the first time. I love you, as much, if not more, than ever…
~Always,
Julia
“Ughhh…” I fell back on the bed, the letter still in one hand and I ran the other through my hair, regretting that I’d shipped them off to Chicago. I closed my eyes as my chest tightened painfully as I tried to fill it with air. My lungs didn’t want to expand. “I’m an asshole!”
“Not so much.” Julia’s voice filtered softly around me and I rolled onto my side to see her emerge from our closet. She was beautiful, her long hair flowing in soft waves around her face and the soft smile on her mouth, glistening softly with lip gloss.