by D. W. Cee
Chapter 2 The College Years
Hot and humid weather along with 95 degrees and 80% humidity, greeted my move into college. Florida in the middle of August had to have been more pleasant than this day. It was never this hot in Los Angeles, especially so close to the ocean. With 10 stories and 381 rooms, I lived in one of the oldest dormitories on campus. It even required an old fashioned a key card to open up the heavy doors into this secured building. The usual meeting area and common rooms were all located on the first floor and the dining hall looked like any other well stocked cafeteria. It was a glorious first year in college.
My room was all of 200 square feet. In it were 3 beds, 3 desks and chairs and 3 small closets. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to get all my clothes in this locker of a closet. Arriving in the dorm room before any of my roommates, I picked the only bed that was the bottom bunk. There was another bed above me and directly across my way, the third bed perched up high with a desk, chair and locker-sized closet all neatly positioned underneath it. That was my entire room. Needless to say, there wouldn’t be much privacy during my first year.
Max and I met in the cafeteria on the first day of school. Catching him smiling at me from a table nearby, I was quickly smitten. He and his roommates came over to our table and introduced themselves to us. We all took turns at small talk and then paired off to go explore the campus. From day one, our chemistry was undeniable. Max and I were naturally drawn to each other like the south pole of a magnet attracting the north pole. We marveled at how much we had in common and how we felt such a strong connection from the moment we met.
As the days went on, our connection only got stronger. We spent every waking moment together when we weren’t in class. Picnics on the grass, study sessions in the library - if we could have, we would have stayed up every night catching up on the eighteen year we had missed out on each other’s lives. It was a strange bond that couldn’t be denied.
Our physical bond was equally as strong. The urge to touch and explore scared me. Such a strong desire went against the core of my belief. I wanted to stay ‘pure’ till I got married. Max, of course, had other ideas and thought I was crazy. We argued and fought constantly. Being the tearful one in the relationship. I hurt easily and cried readily. Max accused me of being way too sensitive. He was right, of course – though he’d never get an admission from these lips.
Maybe it was our age. Maybe it was because this was the first real relationship for the both of us. Whatever the reason we just couldn’t hide our emotions from one another. Every disagreement set us off for days. We’d quarrel, not speak, then go right back to our relationship as if nothing happened. I didn’t know if we had ever resolved any issues. In many ways, it didn’t matter because we just wanted to be together.
Our typical date started with a casual meal and then a movie. Some days we’d ride our bikes and picnic on the beach. Many times we cooked dinner together at Max’s apartment and studied. On occasion, we’d go watch a musical or go out for a nice dinner. Neither of us had much money so we couldn’t do anything extravagant. This didn’t bother us as long as we were together.
On winter breaks, our usual group of friends would go skiing. We’d rent a cabin, with all twelve of us cramming into whatever sized cabin we got. The girls took care of the food for the week while the guys were in charge of evening entertainment. We’d get up early, have breakfast, ski all day, come back for dinner then play crazy games till the wee hours of the night. Those were some of the best days of my life.
Sarah and I considered ourselves best friends since the day we met. A tall and pretty brunette, her endearing personality helped me through my most difficult days, post break-up. We met as freshmen in college assigned to the same study group in Calculus and we struggled. Limits... Derivatives... Integrals... None of it made sense. Every chance we got, we went to each other’s dorm rooms and studied math. Failing out of school our first quarter wasn’t an option. We had to make it work.
Charlie Abner, Sarah’s boyfriend since high school, was better than your average looking guy. He stood slightly taller than Sarah at six feet tall and boasted a booming personality. High school sweethearts, they met when they were sixteen and loved each other more with each passing year. Charlie was probably waiting for the perfect moment to propose though he wouldn’t dare tell me when. He knew all too well I couldn’t keep a secret from his love and my best friend.
Our gang of friends, Peter, Will, James, Charlie and Max, roomed together all throughout their college years. They lived in the same disgusting apartment since sophomore year and in all that time, they’d never cleaned their apartment. The most memorable year starred a two week old half-eaten birthday cake, ants, maggots, cockroaches, and an extermination crew. This event evicted an entire apartment building for two days. It was a wonder they didn’t get permanently evicted. Indelible memories were made not only for me and Max, but for all of us as friends and as an extended family.
Very different from Sarah and Charlie’s relationship, Max and I survived day by day. Max’s awkward expression of love made me question how much he cared. It resembled a dark cloud hovering in the horizon with the sun’s attempt at an appearance when all forces in the universe aligned properly. Though I knew he cared and often enough he told me he loved me, I still hated the uncertainty. I wanted more expression! Less ambiguity! An unequivocal exclamation of his love for me! Perhaps in the end, it was my fault for feeling so insecure about us.
As complaints went, Max wasn’t a romantic either. My ideal man was one who would surprise me with love notes and flowers. I didn’t need anything elaborate or fancy. A simple flower or a cute plant would have sufficed but none of that ever happened. I was always the one surprising him with notes or I’d have dinner waiting for him at his apartment when classes ended late.
One year, I surprised Max with daily gifts for a week leading up to Valentine’s Day. One of the days, I froze water in a heart shaped pan with a laminated note inside. After the ice had melted, the note read, ‘Now that you’ve melted my heart, will you be my Valentine?’ Pretty clever, I thought. Another day, I wrote a love poem on a large poster board with candy bars as key words in the poem. As an ego booster, it started with a Big Hunk bar. Not to sound unappreciative, but all I got in return was a teddy bear wrapped inside a balloon. It was a nice gift, but so typical – not much thought put into it.
Maybe I expected too much out of our relationship. We were barely out of our teenage years and I knew Max wasn’t the type to fuss about anything. His laissez-faire attitude was what attracted me to him in the first place. But, I always felt like I was the one who coerced us into this relationship. He definitely didn’t return the love I showered – or so I thought.
Sarah and Charlie’s undying love for one another never helped our situation. They rarely fought. Charlie never left my best friend questioning who loved whom more. They operated as one mind and finished each other’s thoughts. There was no doubt that they would get married and live happily together, forever. I never had that assurance with Max. In the end, I got what I expected.
Chapter 3 Closure
“Let’s continue this party. We can’t separate just because the Ball is over,” Peter announced.
Everyone loved the idea since many of us hadn’t seen each other in years. I tried to bow out with the excuse that I had a 7:00am date but my friends wouldn’t have it. I hesitantly agreed to meet them at a bar. Searching, Peter’s absence was beyond noticeable. In fact, everyone had left except for Max, even Jennifer.
Peter had purposely left me alone with Max so we would ride together to the bar. Jake was wrong to trust him with my well being. Against all odds – a current girlfriend, an eighteen month absence, and me dating Jake – Peter seemed to believe that we could still get back together. My head shook thinking about this ridiculous idea.
“Get in,” Max told me as the valet brought the car around.
“Where’s Jennifer?”
“She left
a little while ago. She’s working a night shift at the hospital tonight.”
“Oh, that’s right. She’s a nurse. You seem to like girls with homey professions.” We both chuckled as I finished this thought.
I led Max towards my house which was a few miles away from the hotel.
“Can we stop by my house so I can change? I don’t want to be in this dress the whole night. Also it’s a bit cold.”
“Sure,” he answered taking off his jacket. “Here, take this for now.”
It felt good to be in his jacket but the warmth of his scent evoked memories I wasn’t ready to face. We got to my house within minutes and I could tell by Max’s face, he wondered where we were.
“Do you live here, Em?” He studied the living room while following me towards the bedroom.
“Uh-huh. This is my house.”
Max spun his head around and looked shocked.
“When did this happen? You’re not living with Sarah anymore?”
“Has Charlie not told you anything about me the last year and a half? I bought this house in June. I finally left Sarah’s lair.”
I gave Max a change of clothes and showed him the guest bathroom while I went into my room to change into a pair of jeans and a comfy sweater. Max had another bewildered look as he had just changed into a tailor made outfit. It looked nice on him.
“Are these Jake’s clothes?” He had a hard time spitting out those four words. I saw what Max was envisioning. Finding this situation highly humorous, I contemplated letting his imagination aggravate him but thought it would be better to clear the air.
“I bought these to give to you before we broke up. I didn’t have the receipt to return them and felt silly about giving them to someone else so they’ve been sitting in my closet for a while,” I confessed.
“Oh...” He sounded relieved as he thanked me for the clothes. “Can you give me a hanger for my tux?”
I reached into my closet for a hanger but noticed something had fallen out of Max’s pocket and onto the floor. A small blue felt pouch – something that looked like it belonged in a Tiffany’s box with a ring or some small jewelry in it – screamed for me to pick it up. Before my hand got anywhere near the mysterious item, Max swooped in and shoved it back into his pocket. His abruptness startled the both of us. What was in this pouch that had made him so jumpy?
Pain and guilt riddled his face though I couldn’t understand why. Before I broached the subject, he interrupted my thought. “Hey, Em? You want to go get something to eat instead of going out for drinks? You didn’t eat much tonight.”
The growl in my stomach gave me away. “I am hungry. Where shall we go?”
“How about a bowl of noodles? You’ve always had a weakness for something soupy at such a late hour. What time is it? Is the ramen house still open?” he asked.
“I think it’s about 11:00. They should still be open.” A bowl of noodles sounded delicious right now, especially on an empty stomach. “Great idea. You mind driving? I’m a bit tired.”
Before we got into Max’s car, he texted Peter our situation, my number and my home address and told him if we didn’t make it to the bar, they’d meet back at my place and go home together. In the twenty minute card ride neither of us uttered a sound. Instead, I looked out the window wondering what we would talk about during our meal if we couldn’t stand a twenty minute ride together. Max looked over at me, stared briefly and sighed quietly. He was probably regretting the predicament we found ourselves in.
Luckily there was a parking spot right in front of the restaurant and we sat down immediately at the noodle bar. The server came and welcomed us. “Hey, long time no see! You two haven’t been here in a while.”
“Great!” I thought. If this weren’t awkward enough, the server recognized that this used to be our late night food joint back in college. This night wasn’t getting any easier. She didn’t need to ask us what we wanted. She automatically put in an order for two bowls of ramen and an order of gyoza along with iced green tea and Sapporo on tap. We both started to laugh realizing we were so predictable. The server helped lighten the mood and we started feeling comfortable with one another again.
“So, what have you been doing the last year and a half?” Max asked with genuine curiosity.
“Well, let’s see. After we separated in June, Sarah and I went to Europe for about a month.” I quickly wiped away a tear that trickled down my cheek as I talked about last June. Max seemed oblivious to my pain but my flushed cheeks signaled my weakness. Regardless I continued my story. “We started in New York for a few days then went to Rome, Florence and Paris. After Paris, we biked through the South of France and then sailed to Greece. Sarah and I fell in love with the oceans of Greece so we stayed there the last week of our trip. Charlie actually met us in Greece. They had a blast together.”
“What did you do when Charlie came? You must have been lonely.” His face turned somber. I briefly imagined how fantastic it would have been if Charlie and Max had met us in Greece. The four of us - like it used to be.
“I actually did a lot of sightseeing by myself and gallivanted from island to island. It wasn’t too bad. Sarah really needed Charlie there. They’d never been apart for that long. After summer, I returned to school and got to teach fourth grade instead of first, as originally planned. It was challenging coming up with new curriculum at the last minute but it was a fantastic year. I didn’t realize I would enjoy fourth graders so much. They start developing a personality and a sense of humor at this age. But at the same time they’re still innocent and sweet. Life hasn’t jaded them yet.”
“How did the house happen?” Max sounded impressed that I was on my own and doing so well.
“I randomly found my house while driving around the neighborhood. Between my earnings in college, my pitiful salary, and selling my grandparent’s condo, I scrounged up enough money to put in an offer. Luckily, the sellers accepted and I moved in all summer. It took a little while getting used to living alone but I have to say I’m enjoying it now.”
“It’s a great house. I’m really happy for you.” Max sweetly smiled. I felt my heart melt, as it always did when he smiled.
Max reproachfully asked about Jake. This shouldn’t have been a surprise – but it was still disconcerting to hear Jake’s name coming from Max’s lips.
“How long have you and Jake been together? I didn’t realize you were seeing someone.”
“Did you never ask Charlie or Sarah anything about me since our breakup? I can’t believe how indifferent you were to my well being. I kept tabs on you from time to time.” My lips surprisingly formed a slight pout. With a new girlfriend, there really was no need to ask about the old one.
“We just started dating a couple of months ago. I met him at the grocery store and we’ve been seeing each other ever since. He’s so busy at the hospital we see each other maybe once a week. We try to talk on the phone and text, but for the most part, I barely see him. It will be a real treat to have him all to myself tomorrow.” This last statement produced a big smile on my face. Tomorrow would hopefully deepen our relationship and give us more stability. We had had too many misunderstandings on where we stood as a couple, assuming we were a couple. This trip would answer all the questions hovering over us.
Max continued with his twenty questions.
“You seem happy with Jake. What about him do you like?” I never liked this pensive look that registered on Max’s face. This look always meant that there was more on his mind than he was willing to share.
His question took me by surprise. I never thought about why I liked Jake. Even if I had thought about it, never did I imagine having to explain it to my ex-boyfriend. While pondering my answer, Max conjured up his own crazy ideas.
“It couldn’t just be his good looks or the fact that he’s an established doctor. That’s not why you’re attracted to him is it? How old is he anyways?”
“Max. You can be so silly at times. He’s thirty and you know, you’re pr
etty high up the totem pole in the looks category, yourself.”
That brought back his good looking smile.
“I guess if I had to answer your question, I like the fact that I don’t feel the need to take care of him or please him all the time. I feel secure with him. He takes care of me.”
“Are you trying to say that I never took care of you? You never felt secure with me?” His defensive and angry tone startled me.
“That’s not what I’m saying,” I stammered. “When we were dating, I was crazy in love with you.”
“And I loved you too,” he shouted back.
“I know you did, but I always felt like I loved you more, a lot more. Many times, I thought that my love for you bordered on obsession. My main concern was to make you happy. I wanted always to please you. My world revolved around you and your needs and I probably choked you by being so needy.” Suddenly, I sat back in my stool and stopped my defense. “Wow, I think I just had an epiphany. I see now why you said you needed your freedom on graduation night. I suffocated you.” Relieved to finally understand our separation, but aching like I did on our broken night, I quickly changed the subject so I wouldn’t hurt so much again.
“So, tell me about Jennifer. She seems like a really nice person. I got to talk to her a bit during dinner.”
Max didn’t confirm or deny anything I said. He looked visibly upset but answered my questions.
“After we broke up, I actually ended up in the hospital.”
“What! What happened? Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” he answered reluctantly. “I got into a car accident and Jen works in orthopedic rehab, and that’s where we met. She really helped me through a tough time. I thought I wouldn’t be able to use my legs again.”
“How did this happen? How did you get so hurt?” Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I hurt knowing that Max hurt. No matter what our relationship, I still saw Max as an extension of myself – even with Jake in my life.