“You came back, you came back” Over and over again. I kiss her back savoring the feel of her wrapped in my arms. She drops herself down to the ground and looks up at me, I love how small she is against me.
“Are you ok?” she asks me not a hint of pity in her voice.
“Not here babe, lets go talk.” I tell her, gripping her hand and attempting to pull her away from the crowd.
“Malcolm, we need to talk.” My stomach churns at the voice and my heart skips a beat. I turn around to look behind me and Lilly is stood watching me.
“I don’t know what to say right now, give me some time, I don’t want to say something I will regret.” I tell her, my voice changing as I try to push down the emotion. I look at her and give her a small smile, hoping it eases her guilt, and that’s all it is guilt.
We are sat on the bed and my head is resting on her lap, she runs her fingers over my shaved head and I love every moment she is doing it.
“I always thought my mum died, that’s what he told me. What do I do Camilla?” I say through my tears.
“Ssh, its ok Malc. You’ve been given a second chance just don’t stay angry forever. You know the circumstances. What else could she do? She thought she was keeping you safe but close, loving you from afar. That’s why she always made time for you, fed you, read to you and always wanted to listen to you. Charlie now has a proper family, he has a grandma, an uncle and auntie. Anya is his cousin, your niece. Damien is your flesh and blood and so is Alek. Don’t waste precious time by not embracing them. Some people never get a chance to love their families but you do, I’m not running. I’m in this for the long haul, with help we can be happy Malc, just make the leap with me.” Her words settle around my heart, I shut my eyes and cry a little harder into her lap.
Later that day I go in search of Lilly, Damien and my dad.
I had a shower with the help of Camilla, well she washed, I licked. Then we moved to the bed, and let’s just say my cock still feels rubbed raw, she rode me like a damn cowgirl. And I loved every damn minute of it. After the past 72 hours or so, all I wanted was to feel her wrapped around me like a furnace, feel her explode on top of me, it was sheer bliss.
But the one place I needed to go, I need to go alone. I had to sit and talk it out with Andrew let him know what’s been happening. Telling him he has a grandma, and a whole family unit that love him and miss him, and are so sad that they never got the chance to meet him. I leave his grave with a clear head knowing what I need to do. Life is to short, losing Andrew proves that.
I find everyone in the kitchen; the sounds of chatter die down as soon as I walk in.
“Can we talk?” I say to everyone, looking at them I see mixed emotions. Damien shows relief, my dad shows panic, and Lilly shows heartbreak.
They all nod as I stride to the table and take a seat. I have a better idea now of what I want to say. Camilla helped me understand a little more, I still feel hurt, but not as angry. Would I have done this same if the roles had been reversed? Yes, I would have done anything to keep her in my life even if I had to suffer every day to do it.
“Damien, this changes nothing between you and me I have always counted you as a brother, and I will always be your number one.” His eyes hold a mischievousness to them.
“So you’re not leaving then?” he asks, hopefully.
“No I’m not leaving you, but certain things I won’t do anymore. We can discuss that later, that okay?” I ask him, wanting his opinion on the matter as his means more to me that I would like to admit, but I won’t tell him that.
“I have known for years that they love each other, and I understand why, but yes I am ok with it. You know I love you, always have, now if you tell anyone I said that, we will be having words. This mushy lovey dovey shit is so not me.” His answer is honest I can see it. I have known the man since I was born. I think I know him better than he knows himself sometimes. He gets up and leaves the table, kisses his mother on the head and shakes my dad’s hand, leaving us to continue alone.
“Dad, I am angry and hurt that you didn’t trust me enough to share this with me, but I do understand. If it was Cami, I would do exactly the same. I am not saying we will be back to where we were, but we can try, I need you and your grandson needs you.” He gets up and clasps me into a hug. I feel the splash of his tears hit my scalp and I try to dash mine away. “I can’t ask for more, I am so proud of the man you have become, I love you Malcolm.” He murmurs against my head, stepping out to leave Lilly and me alone.
“Do you love him?” Well that’s not really the first question I had in my mind, it just kind of slipped out.
“Yes, I do. Since the day we conceived you, I fell so hard for him, I am still falling.” She looks at me when she answers and I can see it in her eyes. It’s the same look I have whenever I think or talk about Cami. It’s the look you have when you find the other half of your soul, the one that completes you and makes you want to get up each morning for them. Makes you want to try so hard to keep them smiling, happy and if you have a bad day that you’re the one there getting them through it.
“I don’t want to sound like a stuck record but I have to say my piece, at first I hated you when I found out.” I see her visibly flinch at my words, I can’t stop, I need to say my bit then I can draw a line under this whole thing, and we can start living our lives.
“Then I felt numb, empty inside like you didn’t love me enough or want me, but I know what you went through, well what you have said I can’t imagine what we didn’t see when you were behind closed doors. He was a monster and I get that you lived in fear. I can only say I will try. I will take one step at a time and one day as it comes, but I will never not let you have your grandson, even if I can’t make the leap fully, he will know who you are to him.” I say to her, the tears are now flowing. I watch as Lilly gets up from her seat and walks over to me, cupping my cheeks she uses her thumb to wipe the tears away. I can smell her perfume. It’s comforting, what you would expect your mum to smell like, love and lavender.
“I always loved you Malcolm, from the moment I saw you, when I held you for the first time you stole a piece of my heart. I understand that you’re suffering and all I can say is that I’m so sorry. I will live with that pain until my dying breath, but if you will let me, I will show you how much I wanted you, I will never make you feel unwanted again.” Her words are heartfelt, the pain is wrapped around every note and she doesn’t push for me to reply. She drops her hands and heads out of the door.
“Ok, mum.” I whisper to her retreating form.
I hear the hitch in her breath as she leaves the kitchen, and for the first time since I came home I feel like I can breathe.
All I have is hope for the future; I have the love of my wife, the heart of my son, and the respect and love of my family. What more can a man ask for?
Cami
6 months later.
“Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Charlie, Happy birthday to you.” We all sing around the kitchen table; I can’t believe how much time has passed.
Charlie is celebrating his first birthday surrounded by the people who love him the most.
The past six months have been hard and we have both faced battles. I have been having therapy for the trauma I suffered with Jake and it has been helping, I have medication now to help with my panic attacks and the exercises help to calm me down when I get a little overwhelmed.
I have been to bereavement counseling to talk about Andrew. I am still struggling with that, especially on days like today. It is a day to celebrate and a day to remember what we lost. I had a good cry in Malc’s arms this morning before Charlie woke up, I wonder what Andrew would have been doing now if he was with us, so we’re going to his grave later on today to place a balloon and cards, and a teddy that I bought him. He needs to have something today. I will never forget my son but I will cherish what time we had with him. It may have been short but he will always hold a place in our hearts.
“You okay?” He mouths to me across the table, I nod and wipe the lone tear from my eye, loving so how in tune he is with me.
The party is in full swing, the laughter that swirls in the air enough to take the heartache away for a little longer.
Malc, Anton, Lilly, Damien, Faith, Anya, Alek and Emma are all here, celebrating with us how it should be, together as a family. Lilly, and Malc have not always seen eye to eye but they have been trying and with time it has paid off, it is far from perfect, but what family is?
We leave the party, just me and Malc. I have left Charlie with Faith, he’s a little young to understand and I don’t really want him seeing his mummy crumble into his daddy’s arms.
I carry the teddy clutched into my arms, and Malc has the balloon. He grips my hand tightly as we walk over to greet our son.
Kneeling on the wet ground I place the teddy on his headstone, the stark blue teddy contrasts against the white headstone, I place my hand on the top and whisper into the air,
“Happy birthday my little Prince. Carry on sleeping easy, we will always watch over you.” I get up quickly and Malc pulls me into his arms wrapping them around me tightly.
“Today was always going to be the hardest son, but we’re both here for you. Your brother got to blow out the candle on the cake, he loved all his presents. We wish you were here with us too. We would give anything to have you here and watch you grow with your brother. We know you are with us we feel you every day in a smile or a little action, watching over us keeping us together. We got you a number one balloon, see. Your heart is with us always Andrew, even if your body’s not. Night little man, see you next week.” I can’t fight it any longer, I get up and kiss the top of his grave and move away. I leave Malc with him to say his goodbyes as I head to the car, as soon as I shut the door I crumble and the dam bursts open.
We put Charlie to bed, he was wiped out bless him. He has had such a fantastic day, so he was pretty much asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He moved into his own room with Anya about 4 months ago, he was getting a little big for our room, so Faith and Damien had it refurbished so that when we stay over here he has his own room to go in. Little Anya loves it when he sleeps over as they get to play all the time.
“The test results came back yesterday,” I blurt out to Malc as we get ready for bed. We went to the clinic to have tests done to see if I would be likely to conceive again and the results are in. Malc would have a brood of kids running around but that’s not really me. I would love a daughter, but I don’t think I could bring myself to have another son. What if the same thing happened and I lost another child? I don’t think I could recover a second time, I barely got through losing Andrew.
“What did it say?” I don’t know how to tell him, to watch him be crushed. I know he would do anything for me be behind me all the way, fighting, it’s what he does best.
“The chances are very slim, but Malc I don’t think I could do it again, not naturally anyway.” The flash of pain flashes in his eyes and I almost cave and tell him that we can keep trying, but I don’t I stay strong.
“What about adoption? That would still give us another child and the risks would be minimum to you babe. I know you don’t want to lose another and that’s why you don’t want to conceive. I know you have been taking the pill for some months now,” he looks devastated that I kept it from him, but it wasn’t what we needed. The time wasn’t right, I was just beginning to see that I needed help. Adding the strain and worry of a pregnancy would have broken us at out darkest points and if that child would not have survived I would have blamed him.
I mull over what he said for a moment or two the idea has merit. I would get a daughter and not have the risks of losing her, and a child out there who needs a loving family would get all the loves she needed.
“We can adopt, I like that idea.” I say to him as a smile crosses my face, he pulls me closer into the bed and wraps his arms tightly around me.
“See, this is why I love you. You’re strong and brave and so full of love.” He states. “And you’re all mine.” The seductive tone in his voice tells me that I won’t be going to sleep anytime soon, that’s not the only indication, the swell of his cock pressing into my stomach is the other
His lips find mine in a passionate kiss, I open for him instinctively, meeting him half way our tongues dance in-between each other’s mouths. He grinds his hips against me, showing me what he wants most. I pull him on top of me without breaking the kiss and part my legs for him. He takes my lead and finds his way deep inside of me in one deep thrust. I moan as he pushes all the way to the hilt, his kisses move to my neck as he gently nips and kisses, lighting a fire all the way to my core with each movement. I feel the heat start to build in the pit of my stomach, I try to grind my hips harder against him to get him to up his speed, he holds fast wanting his way tonight, fine he torments my body, driving me to the very edge of insanity, making me crave release I grip on to his shoulders, as his thrusts threaten to send me further up the bed, the feeling of being complete takes over when I feel him inside of me, loving me, claiming me. He has eradicated every trace of Jake from my body, I feel whole when I am with him.
My body tightens as his skilled fingers find my clit he sets a killer pace circling at first the pinching that little bit giving me the ounce of pain I need. my body is now sprinting to the end, wanting to fly, I look up to him and see him gazing down at me and my heart skips a beat knowing that he is mine.
“Come with me Malc.” I whisper to him, trying to move my hips again to get him to go faster, I am rewarded when his pace falters and he pulls out almost all the way and slams back inside deeper than before his pelvis hitting the little bundle of nerves, his piercing rubbing against my inner walls with every measured stroke, taking me were I need to be.
“Please.” I beg him.
“You want it? You want to feel me pound so hard that you’ll scream at the top of your voice.” His voice is thick with desire for me and it heats me up even more.
“Oh God, please.” I beg again, not caring that I sound desperate.
“I’m not God, baby, who am I?” he asks me holding off on delivering what I need until he gets what he needs.
“MINE.” I scream as he pumps back inside, his pace is sinful, but it’s enough I cum screaming into our room, I don’t even try to muffle the sounds of our passion.
“Fuck.” He bellows as I feel him tense above me before thrusting back inside and holding himself there, while he lets go.
He rolls off me and pulls me into his embrace.
“I’m so in love with you Cami.” He says against my back, it’s not often he calls me Cami, to him I am Camilla. I always have been, but in these few precious moments my heart beats faster for him when her calls me Cami.
“I love you too Malc, thank you for fighting when I couldn’t.” He kisses my back between my shoulder blades, he is kissing the new tattoo I have there, my boys’ names and Malc’s woven around a daisy chain, the link around Andrew is broken too show what we have lost. That our Family is not as perfect as it was for that 26 minutes, but that every day we fight to make it better. Losing our son was indescribable, but losing each other would be incomprehensible. So it just shows, we’re not as fractured as before.
The End
I am mum to 6 wonderful children and married to an amazing man who supports my dream to write.
I would not say that when I was little I wanted to be a writer.
I only really started reading often when I had baby number 5, he was born very early and spent 13 weeks in special care. It was then that I picked up my first real book.
From then on I became hooked. I read all types of romance books it dawned on me that I wanted to be more than a mum/reader/blogger, I wanted to write, I have a very active imagination, so I took pen
to paper.
During this past year I wrote my first book "Obsession" I am super excited to say that it was published on the 29/09/2015.
Coincidently this was my 30th birthday (at least I won't ever forget the day my fist book went live).
Now a little bit about my writing.
I write romance, contemporary, dark and erotic.
I like to write about loss, pain and love and what it's like to fight for your happy ever after.
My books won't be for everyone.
Fractured (The Volkov Mafia Series Book 3) Page 18