Although, he wants more, and I could have him if I open myself to the great possibility of getting hurt.
“Are you sure he knows it’s over?” he chuckles.
“I don’t want to talk about him. Look, I can meet you in town tomorrow, not for dinner but for a while, if you want?”
I get his full attention and his smile is warm, and he leans in closer.
“I think he wants you still.”
I dare to look over and JJ is steaming. Even from here I can see his jaw twitching and the tic in his eye working overtime.
I stand, losing my patience. He wasn’t this distracted when I was at Blue Waters. He’s not interested in a damn word I have to say.
“I’ll meet you in town at eleven tomorrow, I have to get back to work.”
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t want anything from Ellis, but I do enjoy his company on a friend level. Fuck JJ, he’s messing everything up. He was a part of my nightmare, and Ellis is part of my new beginning.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. But the guy hasn’t stopped staring at you since I got here.”
“Ignore him, god knows, I’m trying to.”
“I don’t want to be messed around, if you have a guy then I’ll back off. Tell me straight, Harper. I’m a long way from home and if you’re not interested, it’s a huge waste of my time.”
Why is it always down to me to spell shit out?
“I don’t have a guy.”
“Then I’ll meet you tomorrow.”
He turns his back on me and crosses the short distance to his car. I don’t look JJ’s way as I pass them and by the time I reach the bar door, Ellis is driving out through the gates.
JJ is hot on my heels, it’s becoming normal having him around this close, and that scares me.
“Just so you know, I’m jealous and I don’t like this feeling,” he tells me, and I can’t help but laugh.
“It’s not funny.”
“It is, Jason Carter. Tell me, how you would feel if you came in here and saw me grinding against someone’s dick? Or you saw me being taken upstairs to someone’s room? You don’t get to be jealous when I talk to a guy, not when I’ve seen you do much worse in front of me.”
“We weren’t together,” he grinds out.
“And we’re not now.”
Who knows in the future, but for now, Jason Carter isn’t mine and I am not his.
JJ
I managed to find one corner in the club where I didn’t have to listen to anyone’s bullshit and I could kick back and watch Harper work behind the bar and figure out my next move with her. Only, Slade and Lily sat their asses down at the table five feet from me seven minutes ago and haven’t shut up since.
“He’s a nice guy.” I hear Lily tell him as he questions her about Ellis the fucking dick showing up today.
Yes, I’ve taken to name calling when I don’t know the guy.
“He’s certainly good looking.”
“Fucking hell, Lil, it’s not always about looks,” Slade spits out and she shrinks away before straightening up and leaning forward.
“Trust me, looks have something to do with things. You think Kris has been with you all these years because she sticks around for your charm? And, don’t give me bullshit about love. He was good to her when she was at Blue Waters. He’s kind to her, he understands her, he knows what to expect if it happens again and he came all this way to see her.”
“It’s not like you have the best track record with men.”
“We can’t all be the family type.”
Huh, these two can argue like they’re still kids. I dig out my smokes and light one up. I inhale the poisons and wait for them to continue talking about Harper.
“Look into him, and I bet you’ll find a good guy. I know you care about her, but you’re not her father, you can’t stop her from seeing someone because of shit going on here. We’re here as a curtesy because you’ve been good to us lately, but this isn’t our life. Don’t forget that.”
Slade snorts and stands in front of his sister. I can see the resemblance between them. She’s a few years younger than him and she’s aging a lot better than her brother.
“Until you can tell me who her daddy is, while I’m paying out for her medication and as long as she needs it, I’ll always be there for her to guide her through the shit. You’re the one who’s fucked it with her.”
“After all this time you’re still going on about her father?”
“Why wouldn’t I be? Who is it, Lils? I can track him down; don’t you think she has a right to know?”
“He was an asshole,” she shrieks. “We had a good time that night and then the next morning he chucked me out after calling me someone else’s name. She’s been around enough assholes in her life, I wanted her to think the one guy that counted was a hero and if she ever found out the truth, at least she wouldn’t have spent a childhood wondering why her daddy didn’t want her. She can hate me all she likes but I still love her more than anything on this earth.”
Slade backs down and his face softens.
“What did you tell her?”
“That her daddy died rushing to the hospital when I was in labour with her.”
Slade shakes his head and physically bites down on his bottom lip.
“I never knew that,” he says softly. “Did the guy know you were pregnant?”
“I went to tell him, but he acted like he didn’t remember me. I told myself my child didn’t need a father like ours, so I kept my mouth shut. To this day, I haven’t spoken to him and I never will. You think I’m a crap mom and Harper will probably agree with you, but it’s better to have one shitty parent than having two of them let you down.”
“Is he from town?” Slade asks.
“No.”
“You’ve always chased the fairy-tale, Lils, I don’t even know why I’m surprised her dad is an asshole, you didn’t exactly pick the good ones.”
“Don’t…”
“No, you don’t. You take my money when it suits you, you do what I say when it suits me. Got it?”
I’ve never seen Slade like this before. He lost his damn mind with Leo but this, with his sister, he’s cruel.
“Got it?” he repeats, his voice getting louder and gaining attention around them.
“I got it,” she snaps, and stands.
She storms off outside and I’m left wondering if I’m making the right choices when it comes to Harper McCarthy. I want her, I know that much. I don’t particularly want anyone else having her, but this Ellis guy sounds good for her. I’m not good for her.
I like to drink too much, party most nights of the week and live life fast and free. What if my lifestyle sets her back? I couldn’t deal with that.
Storming across the bar myself, I want a drink, but I ignore the bar not wanting to talk to Harper. I don’t know what Cas was thinking offering her work in the club.
I sit at a table that doesn’t have a view of her and keep my back to the bar. I can’t sit facing her because I won’t be able to look away.
Lily was right, her daughter needs a good guy, someone who will look after her and know how to look out for her. I’m not that guy.
The music, faint in the background when I first walked in gets louder and louder. As I turn around to see what’s going on, the twins have sandwiched Harper behind the bar. They’re not touching her, they don’t have their twisted sparkle in their eye that shows every fucker they’re planning something or about to do something, they’re simply testing her.
As she looks over her shoulder to get a look at what Mason is doing behind her back, they pounce, moving either side of her, the twins switch places causing her to be disorientated and as they come out from behind the bar, one is carrying shot glasses and the other has two bottles of tequila.
Mason clocks me first and I kick out a chair for him to take a seat. He slams the bottles of liquor down while Myles sits on the table and slides a glass across to Mase and then to me.
“Feels like you’re celebrating,” I say, accepting a drink from Mason.
“We’ve heard,” Mason says, then Myles, “From a reliable source.”
Mason speaks next. “We’re being patched in very soon.”
Heaven help us all, but I’ll celebrate with them. Partying with the twins is always a good time.
I knock back my drink and hold my glass out for a refill. Mason is quick to indulge me and before I know it, the drink is soaking into my soul. For once, it’s making me think clearer.
I’m not good enough for Harper, perhaps she knew that and that’s why she’s been keeping me away from her since she came back. Perhaps all we needed was one of us thinking straight.
I thought I could be good for her, but I can’t. I’m selfish and I love the freedom too much. She needs stability and calmness in her life, I’m not about that life. Jumping up out of my chair, I’m across the bar in no time and wait for her to finish serving Zach. I ignore his moody ass and keep quiet. Once he has his drink and she’s dealt with his payment, she looks over and I jerk my chin outside.
She surprises me when she follows without an argument and I don’t stop until we’re out of sight from everyone else.
“What do you want, JJ?”
She doesn’t come near me, choosing to hold back and hold herself, as if she doesn’t trust herself to be around me.
“I want you to know I really am sorry for how I treated you, regardless of how much you were a pain in my ass at times. We were both in places where we wanted fun and wasn’t thinking straight. However, I am now.”
“Really? Is that why you’re swaying? You’re drunk,” she sighs.
“Like fuck I am.” I blow out a heavy breath. “Anyway, I’m trying to tell you that I’m not going to keep chasing you, or shit. I’m done. You deserve someone better than me, and if it so happens to be doctor dick that was here earlier, than he’s who you should be with. I won’t make it awkward.”
She narrows her eyes at me and steps closer. Her scrutiny weighs me down and I think I need to sit down after all.
“Are you saying this so I’ll think you’ve changed?”
“I’m being serious, you need someone better than me. I don’t understand your life and how it is now, I wouldn’t be good for you.”
“I can’t handle my life and your games right now.”
“I’m not playing games,” I grind out.
“I’m doing something I should’ve done when you first came to town.”
Her mouth opens and closes a few times before she turns her back to me. I swear I see a tear, but I don’t say anything. This is what I wanted, to let her know I’m not going to harass her any longer. Fuck, it’s not like she was jumping back on my dick anyway. She’ll thank me soon. I wait a beat for her to disappear inside before I follow her in and when I make it back to the table, Zach and Leo have joined in and more drink is flowing. Pippa isn’t enjoying herself, she’s been a boring fucker since Leo and India’s relationship went public. As soon as he stepped into the circle of brothers and took a beating, then to top it off, declared he’d go through it again to be with India, the girls have been acting different. I swear they hope the rest of us will do some shit like it.
They have no chance with me, or the twins, perhaps Zach, who knows where he stands or how far he’d go for a girl these days.
Still, I pull Sasha down on my lap as I sit where she stands. She settles in and winds her arm around my neck. Sasha’s a good girl, not the kind that isn’t game for fun, but good as in she’s up for anything.
She’s the complete opposite to how Harper is now and tonight, that’s all I need.
I feel her watching me and I sink back another drink. I hold the glass up and holler, “I need another drink, bargirl.”
Pressing my lips into Sasha’s neck, she moans and twists on my lap to allow me easier access. With the glass still in the air, liquid slops over my hand and when I look up, Harper has refilled my glass and is about to walk away.
“She’s hot, ain’t she, Harper,” I smirk, meeting her eye.
Her gaze falls to Sasha, who has stopped moving around, and then back to me.
“You should feel how silky soft she is,” I add before she can speak.
A smile spreads across her face and I frown because it’s genuine.
“I can imagine,” she says to me, and looks at Sasha. “You have lovely looking skin, you’ll have to tell me what moisturizer you use, because mine isn’t cutting it,” she laughs, and I feel Sasha relax on me.
“Oh, it’s nothing special really, I’ll let you know the name.”
“Cool, I work the bar now so I’m around a lot.”
They end up introducing themselves to each other and I’m left fucking speechless. Total backfire.
When they’re done with their little conversation, Harper has changed yet again before my eyes. Sasha slips off my lap and dances her way around the table, falling into a chair next to Zach, leaving me with a pissed Harper.
“Don’t ever use another girl to get to me again, I’m so over that and besides, your words hurt enough. I get it, you changed your mind and you don’t want me after all. You don’t have to put on shows for me. Stay out of my business and I’ll stay out of yours.”
Having said her piece, I’m left alone watching her return to work behind the bar.
I’m fucked.
I shove my glass on the table a little too roughly and it shatters. Ignoring the mess, I push up out of my seat and barge my way over to the stairs. Living my life my own way or putting someone else before me has my head spinning. I’m going to bed, hopefully shit will look better in the morning.
Harper
One of the things I like most about being a no one at the club is that you can come and go as you please because there is always something distracting the brothers. Unless they’re checking you out, they don’t see you, and this morning no one is checking me out and it gives me the perfect opportunity to wait for Tal and Curt to be given their orders and follow them outside.
Once they’re in their truck and have the engine running, I quickly open the back door and slide onto the back seat. They both turn when I slam the door shut and Tal is quick to scowl.
“Oh no, get out and go back inside,” he growls, letting his old rusty truck die.
“You’re only going into town, what’s the problem if I tag along?”
“The problem?” Curt snorts. “Why are the pretty ones always so stupid?” he chuckles.
Stupid?
Did he actually just accuse me of being stupid because I’m pretty? I’m pissed with his comment but instead of chewing his ass off, I decide to play with him.
“You know,” I purr. “My uncle is real busy, and he isn’t going to be happy when I give him a reason to be angry with you. I mean, he’s going to be pissed and who knows what he’ll do when he hears how you keep trying to put your hands up my skirt.”
“Hey now!”
He swivels around in the passenger seat and glares at me. His square jaw is set tight and his dark eyebrows push together in anger.
“You start talking like that to the brothers and they’ll kill me.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were just saying stupid shit because we’re pretty,” I sarcastically mutter, raising an eyebrow.
His jaw relaxes, and he isn’t all looks, he understands where I’m going, and he turns his head from me and faces the front.
“The club is on lockdown, Harper. I can’t take you out of here without Cas’s permission.”
“If you had let me speak before, you’d know that Cas said I could go with you as long as I stay with you both.”
I keep my face straight and sit back. I’ve got this and we both know it. We also both know I’m bloody lying too, but he doesn’t call me on it and brings the truck to life. The next thirty-seven minutes blur by me as Tal likes to push the speed limit, and I stay quiet. Curt is happy to rabbit on about the trouble the club is having and
how this can be their way in getting their patches.
Most of the time I have no idea what they’re talking about, but when Leo and JJ’s names keep popping up, I take an interest.
So, Leo has killed someone, someone called Niall knocked up someone’s old lady who he definitely shouldn’t have been sniffing around and word is spreading that Leo will have to end this trouble because he’s the one who caused the attack on the clubhouse the night I tried to kill myself.
The scars on my wrist itch and I rub my thumb across the jagged skin while I listen to Curt give his opinion on how he thinks Leo will do something stupid again, stupid seems to be his favourite word, and how JJ will be by his side when he does it.
“Nah, man. The kid has changed Leo, and JJ’s acting weird lately too.”
Acting weird? Apart from him chopping and changing his mind about me, I haven’t noticed any other changes in him.
“Okay, if you know everything, who do you bet on getting the patch first. Us or the twins?”
The twins are something else. They can’t be figured out, but they don’t scare me, they make me laugh and I like the mood in the bar when they are around.
“The twins, for sure. But the way things are going, they’ll need us, and we’ll be able to prove ourselves. Keep your head down and do everything they tell you, and our prospecting days will soon be behind us.”
I meet his eyes in the rear-view mirror and he quickly looks away. Perhaps they forgot I was back here. There was a time last year where I nearly slept with Tal. He had finished working behind the bar and joined me for a drink. We were about to leave when JJ interrupted, and I ended up sleeping with him instead. Tal never mentioned it again, I didn’t care at the time and I don’t know why I’m thinking about it now.
He stops outside the hardware store and before I can open my own door, Tal is out and opening it for me.
“I take it you need to go to the grocery store?”
Looking around, I don’t see Ellis, and nod at Tal. I can do with topping up my supply at the club. You have to hide everything you don’t want eaten.
“I won’t be long, and then I’ll meet you back here.”
His Selfish Love Page 8