My eyelids grow heavier the longer neither of us say anything. I truly believe JJ is my one. I can survive without him, but I really don’t want to. I can live half a life, but I need him to make me whole.
“I love you, Jason.”
I don’t care that he hears it, I’m not embarrassed to tell him how I feel. He can probably already guess anyway.
“Thanks.”
The room goes dead silent, even my exhale is soundless. Is that all? Thanks? He’s fucking thanking me.
“Thanks?” I whisper it out loud just to see how it sounds coming from my lips.
Not as condescending as it did coming from him.
Thanks.
I hear the click and a soft glow from the lamp lights the room. He pulls his arm from underneath me and kicks the sheets off him.
Rolling around to see what he’s doing. He goes over to the corner of the room and picks up a stack of books. I manage to sit up and move my legs before he dumps them on the bed, and then he climbs back beside me.
“Can you guess how many books I read at school?”
“Not many?” I guess.
“Zero.”
I pick up the two that are closest to me and flip through the pages. There aren’t a lot of pictures and I snort.
“Because of you, because I love you, I’ve read all of these and I’ve even got myself a fuckin’ library card. Because I wanted to have half an idea of what you’re going through, what you have to deal with, I’ve sat up here each night reading my way through these.”
I’m done.
If I didn’t love him before, I certainly do now.
Jason Carter, the guy who has made me cry more than make me laugh has gone beyond, for me, to try and get in my head and understand me.
No one has tried to figure me out before.
His thumb sweeps across my cheekbone, wiping a tear I didn’t feel escape. Living after having a breakdown, Mental Illness, Healthy Lifestyles, the last title I read makes me laugh.
Holding it up. “Crazy Chicks?”
“Hey, I was covering my basis, but it wasn’t any help at all,” he grins, taking it from me. He tosses it across the room and lands with a thud on the carpet.
“I haven’t seen you ever read a book.”
“Well, now you’ll be sleeping beside me, you soon will. Not tonight though, tonight I’m fucking shattered.”
He lays back, taking me with him and uses his foot to kick the books onto the floor. He pulls the sheets over us and scoops me against him.
“I love you, Miss McCarthy.”
Placing his hand over my heart, I fall asleep content and for once, whole.
JJ
My mind wakes but my eyes are glued together. However long I’ve slept for, it wasn’t enough. Nowhere near enough.
A shaky sigh brings me completely out of my sleep and as I don’t feel Harper beside me, I open my eyes to search for her.
She’s sat at the end of the bed, my t-shirt covering her top half and her bare leg shaking as she sits with her legs up on the chair near her. She’s buzzing. I can almost feel her thrumming from here.
“Hey, have you slept at all?”
She was tired when we laid down, I think I remember her yawning, man, I don’t know, I was so tired I fell asleep as soon as my eyes shut, and my head hit the pillow.
“Some…not much. I need to see my mom; can you take me to see her?”
Sitting up, I pull her back down with me and nestle my head in the crook of her neck. Just five more minutes of sleep that turns into a couple of hours, that’s all I need. It’s not happening though, she’s wriggling out from underneath my hold and sitting up on her knees, looking down at me.
“Please, Jason. She’s been there all night.”
“She might be back and she’s in bed for all you know.”
“I checked, she’s not.”
She did?
When?
Lifting my head, I check the time on the clock and it’s not even nine.
“I’ll see if Slade has heard anything, okay?”
She smiles and nods her head and I drag my ass out of bed, longing to be back in it already.
She throws my jeans at me and digs out a clean shirt for me. I smile, I don’t think she realises she’s doing it.
Once she’s done with my clothes, she slips into a pair of her shorts that she slipped out of last night and bunches my t-shirt into a knot at her back and shows off her mid-drift. She’s ready to go in no time, I shrug into my cut and shove my phone and smokes into my pockets.
She dangles my keys on her finger, and grins.
“This is very domestic of us, huh.”
“You won’t be calling it domestic the next time I have you in here.”
“Promises.”
I haven’t seen this time of day in a long while and it doesn’t shock me when the place is quiet, and shadows cast over the bar from the early morning sun. Lucky bastards still sleeping above us, even Slade is asleep with his head on the bar. They’re all getting more sleep than me.
Cas and dad waltz through the door, letting it bang shut behind them and Slade jolts up, eyes wide, coming awake.
Harper lets go of my hand and goes to her uncle’s side. They both ignore Cas and he happily ignores them in return.
“Have you heard anything? Kris said you were bringing Lily home hours ago.”
“I wish you would call her mom, she went above and beyond for you last night.”
Her mouth opens and closes but nothing comes out. If I referred to my mom by her name, she’d slap me upside my head and make sure it hurt.
“I’m waiting on word from the lawyer. If you only told us, we could’ve moved the body and he never would’ve been found.”
“I’m sorry. For once I listened to Lil…my mom, it’s not exactly something you go around telling everyone.”
“We’re not everyone.”
Dad jerks his chin towards the kitchen and I leave Harper with Slade while I walk into the smell of bleach.
“Did she say anything during the night?” Cas asks as soon as the doors are closed.
“No, she hasn’t slept much either,” I mutter, scrunching my nose up. “Did someone spill a gallon of bleach in here?”
“Your girl went on a five hour cleaning bender when you walked out. You should see the stove, it’s fuckin’ gleaming. At least you know if you piss her off, she’s gonna clean.”
The door swings open and Leo walks in, leaving the door wide open. I avert my attention back to my dad and roll my eyes, I ignore his idiocy. We’re interrupted by Cas’s phone ringing. It’s early and everyone is here, and by the way his eyebrows pull together, he doesn’t recognise the number.
Slade and Harper walk in as he answers and puts it on speakerphone.
“Yeah?”
His usual answer when he picks up a call, unless it’s Alannah. If it’s her then he’s soft and courteous.
“Good morning, I thought it was time I called and formally introduced myself, as you are going to great lengths to find out about me. My name is Ellis Edwards and your son killed my brother.”
“If you want it formal, why don’t we meet up and do this face to face?”
“Because you are going to suffer first, if you think this is going to end with me in the ground and you and your club the victors, you’re gravely mistaken.”
“I’m not mistaken about anything. I know how this is going to end.”
“I say, you say, we’re both men who get what we want and speaking of what I want. You have two things I want.”
“I’m sure I don’t, but go on, enlighten me.” Cas crosses his arms over his chest and is amused.
“Leo and Harper.”
I seethe. He’s going nowhere near her, not if I can help it.
“Not happening,” Cas tells him.
“I will get to Leo for killing my brother, and Harper will come to me eventually. Tell me, is she with JJ now?”
Cas looks up at me then acr
oss at Harper, who has frozen in her seat by Slade.
“That’s no concern of yours, and after what you did to the girl, she ain’t ever coming to you of her own accord,” Dad tells him.
“You’re forgetting, all this destruction and violence started with your club, not me. Don’t treat me like I’m in the wrong, you’d do the same if you were me.”
Cas would, his silence screams he would.
Ellis laughs down the line and I want to smash the phone against the wall until the sound of his smugness disappears.
“For the death of my brother, I’ll be happy with the death of your son. And as for my Harper, you tell her I regret losing my temper with her, but if she comes to me I’ll help her mom in the way Slade and your club can’t.”
My eyes land on her as she becomes unfrozen at the mention of help for her mom and she steps forward as if Ellis can see her or something. The fuck? He sounds unhinged over her.
“Oh, and I’ve left you a gift behind the diner in town so you know how fucking serious I am. Harper has twenty-four hours to come to me if she doesn’t want to visit her mom in prison for the rest of her life.”
The line goes dead and Cas scoops his phone up and shoves it in his pocket.
“He’s out of his mind,” I mutter.
“He wants Harper and it sounds like he wants her bad,” Slade growls.
“Are we gonna believe there’s anything behind the diner?” Dad asks.
“I don’t think we can afford not to, but I reckon it’s a trap.”
“What if you’re not the ones walking into it?”
Alannah stands in the doorway and then walks to dad’s side. Usually she gravitates to Cas like they’re two magnets. She can barely look at her husband and he doesn’t look happy she isn’t at his side now.
“Care to explain?” Cas asks her.
“I have a friend in town who has reached out to me to ask for the club’s help,” she tells everyone but Cas.
“As if I don’t have enough shit going on.”
“And that’s why you’re only hearing about it now,” she scowls at her husband. “She works at the diner, she’d be able to go about her business unnoticed if the place is being watched and see if she finds anything without looking out of place.” She goes back to telling us and not Cas.
“Help for help?” I ask.
“So to speak, yeah.”
“What does she want from me?” Cas asks.
She finally looks at him but doesn’t meet his eye.
“She wants you to find her daughter and make sure she’s okay.”
“Just find her? Not bring her back?”
“No, she just wants to know she’s alive and doing well.”
“Done. Call her and get her looking behind the diner.”
With that sorted, I turn to Harper and jerk my head so she follows me out into the bar.
“Do I have to worry about you believing his bullshit that he could help your mom?”
“No, I don’t see how he could anyway. Give me some credit.”
“Sorry, I had to ask.”
Slade calls Harper, he has his phone pressed to his ear and the tiredness around his eyes begins to lighten.
“There has been a witness come forward, if it stands, Lily will be back in the next few hours.”
“What witness?” she asks him. “There wasn’t anyone else there that night.”
“This has to be down to Ellis. He’s playing with us,” I growl, unable to swallow the bile that’s threatening to erupt.
He wants Harper and he’s trying anything to get her. Wrapping my arms around her, I inhale her soapy, light perfumed scent and I tell myself she’s mine.
He’s not touching her again, he’s not even getting close enough to speak to her.
I twiddle Harper’s loose hair into one thick strand over and over as we wait. Wait to hear on word about Lily. Wait to see if Ellis is going to call back. Waiting. I fucking hate waiting.
Alannah’s phone rings and she’s quick to swipe across the screen and I recognise the voice who speaks.
“Hello? Can you see me?”
Is that Rose from the diner? She has been working at Hanks for years, she’s also banned Leo and I many times.
“I see you,” Alannah smiles and we all hear a door slam on her end.
“Can you see anything out of the ordinary?” Alannah asks.
The muffled sound of wind drowns most of the call out and Cas leans in to his wife watching the screen, she leans away, and he narrows his eyes.
“Look behind the dumpsters,” he tells Rose.
Dad and Slade move and stand behind Cas and Alannah and Pope sits forward. Ricky frowns, drumming his fingers on the table.
“I don’t know what you’re wanting me to find, but there isn’t anything here.”
“Look in the dumpsters,” Slade tells her.
“Are you sure the club is gonna find my girl?” she asks, and I smile. “If I’m looking for whatever in the trash, I want her found by the weekend.”
“As soon as this call ends, I’ll have someone looking for her. Now look in the dumpster, Rose.”
Cas is losing his patience and Alannah narrows her eyes at him. Harper’s hair is the distraction I need while the sounds of frustration and heaving the lid open on the dumpster comes through the phone.
Harper smiles up at me and rests her head on my shoulder. I love this, I love her being this close, I love the way everyone knows she’s mine and I fucking love how I’m the only one who can make her feel calm and satisfied.
Three seconds pass in silence before the shrillest scream pierces the air and Cas is ripping the phone from Alannah’s hand.
“Shut up…shut your fuckin’ mouth,” he hisses, and she must hear his ferocious tone because the screaming stops.
“Show me them again,” he orders her.
Show?
Dropping my fingers from Harper’s hair, I sit forward as she sits straight and slides her hand on my thigh.
It’s the littlest of touches that is connecting me to her, and she does it all without thinking about it.
“Son of a fuckin’ bitch,” Dad snaps and looks away from the phone.
“What is it?” I ask, rising to my feet.
Cas looks up and slowly looks around the bar. This is bad. He’s pale, the palest he’s ever been and then he chokes on the air he inhales.
Alannah rubs her hand up and down his back until the tickle ebbs away and dad leans on the back of the chair beside him.
“It’s Niall and the Crow whore with a bullet to the head.”
Fuck.
“Rick, Sparky and Alannah, get ready to leave. I’ll sort out a handful of prospects to go and get the bodies before anyone else sees them. While we’re gone, keep the club locked and tight.”
After what he done to this club, Niall won’t be missed but we sure as shit can use his death as a reason to fight back, not that we need anymore reasons.
Harper
The last time I was this tired it was the night I tried to end my life. My head has become fuzzy and it’s getting harder to think straight. It’s been ten hours since Ellis called, and I still haven’t heard anything about my mom. Slade keeps telling me she’ll be home soon, I’m starting to believe he doesn’t know anything.
The heavier my mind becomes, the more I question how Ellis could help her. I don’t trust him, I just wonder how could he possibly know what happened? He could’ve got to Lily without her knowing somehow, no, that wouldn’t have happened. Lily has the ability to bury crap better than me. Hiding the identity of my father all these years is proof of that.
“Stop thinking about him,” JJ whispers into my hair.
“I’m not,” I lie quickly, leaning up on my elbow.
He cocks his eyebrow disbelieving me, but he doesn’t question me, instead I say, “Do you think he knows what I did?”
“Did you tell him? That’s the only way he’d know.”
“No, but the first week or
so at Blue Waters is blurry, I don’t remember much. I don’t know.”
Sitting up, I wish we could be doing more than lying on top of the sheets in each other’s arms.
“I keep messing up, I should remember if I told someone I killed someone or not.”
Why is it so fucking hard?
“Hey, you weren’t in a good place, don’t put yourself down. You’re not in that place anymore.”
“I can’t keep living this life,” I sigh.
“And you’re not. Slade will help your mom, you’ve got me, and we’ll get through this together. Look for the positives, babe. You may even have Cas and Alannah, they’re good people too.”
Cas and Alannah?
The positives?
Perhaps he got that crap from one of his books.
“You know those books had to be back at the library today, you’ll have to pay a fine.”
A short, sharp laugh bursts from him and he reaches for his phone when it buzzes on the nightstand.
“Look at me, do I look like I give a shit,” he chuckles and then sits up.
“Your mom is back.”
I shoot off the bed and shove my feet into my boots. I don’t wait for JJ, I don’t wait for anything. All this waiting around has killed me.
My uncle’s back is blocking who he is talking to when I jump down the last two steps and bound into the bar, and then I see her.
She’s aged five years over night and her yawn is proof she hasn’t had any sleep. Her relief when she sees me takes me back to a time when I walked off from her when I was five or six, I gave her quite the scare until she found me near the ice-cream parlour ten minutes later.
“I was starting to think Slade was lying when he kept saying you were coming home,” I say, wrapping my arms around her.
“I don’t know how I’m here. Apparently, a witness has come forward saying they saw Simon the day after we left town,” she says then whispers, “Which you know is impossible.”
I don’t know who she’s whispering for, she knows everyone knows our story by now.
“What did you say to the cops?” Sparky asks her, and I let her go, keeping to her side.
“Nothing that wasn’t true up to the point I’d have to lie. Because of the witness, they now think Harper and I left after an argument with Simon and he set fire to my home in retaliation, then because he was seen the day after, I was in the clear because I paid for a motel before he was supposedly seen.”
His Selfish Love Page 19