by W. W. Jacobs
"There was a newbarmaid at the Crown, and one night you----"
"If I listen to any more of this nonsense I shall burst," remarked Mr.Cooper, plaintively.
"Go on," prompted Mrs. Cooper, grimly. "One night----"
"Never mind," said Mr. Simpson. "It doesn't matter. But does heidentify me? Because if not I've got a lot more things I can try."
The harassed Mr. Cooper looked around appealingly.
"How do you expect me to recognize you--" he began, and stoppedsuddenly.
"Go back to your courting days, then," said Mr. Simpson, "when Mrs.Cooper wasn't Mrs. Cooper, but only wanted to be."
Mrs. Cooper shivered; so did Mr. Cooper.
"And you came round to me for advice," pursued Mr. Simpson, inreminiscent accents, "because there was another girl you wasn't sure of,and you didn't want to lose them both. Do you remember sitting with thetwo photographs--one on each knee--and trying to make up your mind?"
"Wonderful imagination," said Mr. Cooper, smiling in a ghastly fashionat his wife. "Hark at him!"
"I am harking," said Mrs. Cooper.
"Am I Bill Simpson or am I not?" demanded Mr. Simpson.
"Bill was always fond of his joke," said Mr. Cooper, with a glance atthe company that would have moved an oyster. "He was always fond ofmaking up things. You're like him in that. What do you think, Milly?"
"It's not my husband," said Mrs. Simpson.
"Tell us something about her," said Mr. Cooper, hastily.
"I daren't," said Mr. Simpson. "Doesn't that prove I'm her husband?But I'll tell you things about your wife, if you like."
"You dare!" said Mrs. Cooper, turning crimson, as she realized whatconfidences might have passed between husband and wife. "If you say aword of your lies about me, I don't know what I won't do to you."
"Very well, I must go on about Bob, then--till he recognizes me," saidMr. Simpson, patiently. "Carry your mind--"
"Open the door and let him out," shouted Mr. Cooper, turning to hissister. "How can I recognize a man through a deal door?"
Mrs. Simpson, after a little hesitation, handed him the key, and thenext moment her husband stepped out and stood blinking in the gas-light.
"Do you recognize me?" he asked, turning to Mr. Cooper.
"I do," said that gentleman, with a ferocious growl.
"I'd know you anywhere," said Mrs. Cooper, with emphasis.
"And you?" said Mr. Simpson, turning to his wife.
"You're not my husband," she said, obstinately.
"Are you sure?" inquired Mr. Cooper.
"Certain."
"Very good, then," said her brother. "If he's not your husband I'mgoing to knock his head off for telling them lies about me."
He sprang forward and, catching Mr. Simpson by the collar, shook himviolently until his head banged against the dresser. The next momentthe hands of Mrs. Simpson were in the hair of Mr. Cooper.
"How dare you knock my husband about!" she screamed, as Mr. Cooper letgo and caught her fingers. "You've hurt him."
"Concussion, I think," said Mr. Simpson, with great presence of mind.
His wife helped him to a chair and, wetting her handkerchief at the tap,tenderly bathed the dyed head. Mr. Cooper, breathing hard, stood bywatching until his wife touched him on the arm.
"You come off home," she said, in a hard voice. "You ain't wanted. Areyou going to stay here all night?"
"I should like to," said Mr. Cooper, wistfully.