He had not, not yet. Maybe he was making it more complicated than it needed to be. Maybe he was denying his true feelings in an effort to avoid complications with his family. Maybe he was saving Blue from the heartache of an absentee spouse, because that's what he would be as an External Security agent of the Ministry. Maybe he truly only saw her as a friend.
Maybe he was simply a coward.
"Your life," Zeynar said with a shrug, as though Jason wasn't going through a mini-crisis brought about by his oh so casual question. He wandered from the living room to the small breakfast table and pulled out one of the plain wooden chairs. "Should we get Forrest to send you some pieces? The walls are a bit bare. His exhibition is today, you know.”
Jason swallowed. He had no idea what Zeynar was talking about.
"Oh, that's right," the family head said with sharp glee. "You left before they announced the participants. Forrest's and Matti's project was selected for the University of Tremmir's annual Art Department Student Exhibition. His career is practically guaranteed now."
"Fuck head," Jason spit out. He did not mean Forrest.
"What? I'm just relaying the news. It sucks that you have to stay so out of the loop. I wonder what else you'll miss before your leave comes up. You've got, what? Another month?"
Jason's grip tightened on his mug and it shook, the dark liquid threatening to spill over the sides.
"Duri's not leaving for another couple of hours if you would like to send along a note or letter to our little star."
Jason's teeth clenched together at Zeynar's chosen words. I will not react, I will not react, I will not plow my fist into his face, I will not tear his nails off one by one, I will not. He slammed his mug down on the counter, ignoring the spilled coffee, and strode for Zeynar. Pulling his fist back, he let it fly straight into that smug smile.
Zeynar staggered back and laughed. "I knew you had it in you." Pulling a slim package from his jacket, he dropped the grin. "I'll give you that one. And I'll get straight to the point now." He placed the package on the table. "I've been... tracking some activity in the area. Activity that neither of us want. In honor of Blue and her 'secrets are stupid' philosophy, I’m sharing what I can.”
Jason remembered that conversation. They'd been on Padilra, hiding in an abandoned building in a construction area of the Prizzoli's main camp. Secrets are stupid when you're talking about the end of the world. "What do you know?"
Zeynar's head tilted to the packet. "Everything I can share is in there. Secrets are stupid, but as we also know, sometimes they must be kept. In this instance, I believe we can help each other. All I ask is that you share what you can in turn."
"Share what I can. Huh. You know the Ministry's policy on that."
"I do. And I know you find it... frustrating, and that it has bitten your ass more than once."
"You're asking me to go against my orders."
"I'm asking you to do what you feel is right."
Jason didn't try to hold in his bark of skeptical laughter.
Zeynar waved a lazy hand. "Yes, yes, I know. Laugh about the Martikan instructing you to do the ethical thing." Shadows moved in his eyes.
Sobering, Jason nodded. "I will acknowledge you have your own sense of... honor." His gaze slid to the packet. There wasn't much there. About the size of a standard letter envelope, it was thin enough to hold no more than a few sheets of paper, or maybe a comm and data cards. "I'll look it over," Jason conceded.
After a nod, Zeynar headed for his door.
"Wait," Jason called out. "I'll write Blue a note. If you'll wait?"
The smile returned, but this time it was genuine. "Of course. She'll be glad to hear from you."
The apartment had two bedrooms, and he'd turned one of them into an office. Sitting at the small desk he stared at a blank sheet of paper.
What should he say? There was so much he could tell her, so much he'd kept bottled up for months. None of it was short, and none of it would make sense, he knew.
Finally, he said the only thing he could think of that was the complete truth.
I miss you.
Then he added one more thing. Tell the others I miss them as well.
Jason stared at the two lines. Then he signed the note, folded it, and placed it in an envelope which he then sealed. After writing Blue's name, he stood and headed back to his living room where Zeynar still waited.
"Here." Holding out the envelope he braced himself for more teasing.
Zeynar took the envelope, held it up in a slight salute, and then he was gone without another word.
Jason locked the door then turned to the packet Zeynar had left him. He did have a few hours to kill. He may as well dig in, there was nothing else for him to do.
A half hour later he leaned back in his chair and stared at the opposite wall, not really seeing it. If even a fraction of what he'd just read was true, Zeynar had uncovered the beginnings of a conspiracy that could rival the matter of the crystals of Shardon. The Family head had hinted at secrets and Blue. Secrets are stupid when you're talking about the end of the world.
The end of the world.
He hoped it wouldn't come to that.
In addition to the papers, there was a small device, a sticky-note attached to it.
Use me when you need to reach someone.
A transponder. The tech was rare, and expensive. The the Ministry prohibited their use except on open worlds. Even then, they restricted the tech to the highest level and the various transportation stations, where it was needed to maintain communication between the portal workers. Occasionally, there was a push to have the funds allocated to purchase enough to equip the External Security agents, but the proposals never went through.
Assuming there was a relay set up nearby, he could even call Blue with this...
His hands curled into fists. The temptation was there, but he wasn't ready to violate his orders and betray the Ministry for the sake of hearing her voice.
The rest of what Zeynar had brought him...
He couldn't make a decision on that yet.
But he would keep an eye on that coffee shop. It was near Polkie's, the bar he worked at. It was also fairly close to the university, which was often used as cover by smugglers and other black market users.
The boss of which just left his apartment.
"Fuck me."
What was he supposed to do now?
Chapter 8
BLUE
It was nearly nine in the morning as Blue let out another yawn and pushed open the door to the stables. A dull thud sounded from the last stall on the right.
"Oh, hush, you Beast. I'm only a little late."
His hooves pounded against his stall twice more. Mo'ata's quorin snorted and ignored the antics. Tweetie, Forrest's mount, snorted and slammed a hoof back at Beast then crossed to the other side of his own stall and turned his head away.
Poumas and valk, the mounts of the other residents, paced in their own stalls.
Blue crossed her arms as she stood before the door to Beast's stall. "Look what you've done. You riled them all up. You know Sana is gong to hear about it from the other residents, and then we'll hear about it. You do it again and I will tell Trevon not to send any more carrots."
Beast twisted his head around and gave her his evil, watch-out-or-I-will-make-you-fall-off stare.
Blue crossed her arms. She would not give in.
Beast lowered his head and snuffled at the ground.
Nope, not going to let him change my mind.
He circled and rubbed his side against the stall door, his sign that he wanted a good rubbing.
Nuh-uh.
Then he lifted his head once more and pinned her with his big, dark eyes.
Her arms fell. It wasn't his fault. She didn't come around enough, she knew, and was only able to take him out every few days. She tried to give him a good run at least once a ten-day, but it was hard to find a place she could give him his head. The park Felix had taken her t
o was so far away, and...
"Fine," she mumbled as she released the latch on his door and slipped into the stall. "You can have your carrots. We also had a family meeting," she confessed. "I'm going to adjust my schedule so I have a little more time, and I promise I'll spend lots of it with you." Her words ended on a croon as Beast pressed his face to her chest and allowed her to give him a good scratch behind his horns. "But I do need you to not rile up the others. Deal?"
He shoved into her, then stuck his head over the stall door, looking pointedly at the grooming brushes.
Blue laughed. "I'm taking that to mean we have a deal. And, do you want a good grooming or a ride this morning?”
Beast snorted, swung his head around, and stomped a hoof.
“No, only one. A short brushing and a ride, or I make you pretty. You only get to pick one. Today is Forrest’s exhibit, and we’re supposed to be there early.” She opened her eyes wide and stared at her Beast. Not that this trick worked on him. “You wouldn’t want me to be late, would you?”
Snorting again, Beast nodded his head toward the brushes.
Slipping back out the stall door, she headed for the tack and grooming area. Beast had his own set of brushes now, the very best she could find. Spending time with him like this was actually one of her favorite parts of the day. The rhythmic movements of her arm, the swish of the brush over his fur, and when they were both relaxed, the deep purr her demon-mount would let out, all allowed her mind to rest.
It was the time she could truly unwind.
“You know what we went over in the family meeting yesterday?” She asked her Beast. “Well, we all finally realized that I was stressing myself out.”
Beast snorted again and shifted so that a different part of his coat was under the curry comb.
“Hush now. I know, I know.” She fell into the rhythm and was soon enveloped in the peace of the morning. The other mounts huffed and shifted in their stalls. The valk had a habit of pecking at the walls, and an occasional sharp thud would sound. A pouma screeched as its owner came into the stable. They were gone twenty minutes later, off on a ride. Blue finished with the curry comb and picked up the hard bristled brush.
This was the part Beast loved the best, and he leaned into each stroke. Blue’s mind wandered to the night before, and her confrontation with Felix.
She had to admit part of her thought he was over-reacting, though she would never tell him that. Unless there was some sort of medieval law that would get him kicked out of the Order and the Mercenary Guild if he refused to leave Blue, she wasn’t sure what his parents could really do. And even if there was such a law, surely they could take a path similar to Levi’s? Felix could emigrate from Cularna, they could help him find a job outside of the guild.
That wasn’t a fate she wanted for him, though. She had not missed the affection or wistfulness that crept into his voice as he talked of his family. He loved them, he just didn’t want the same life they led.
Blue smiled even as her eyes prickled with tears. Felix wanted her. He really wanted her. She hadn’t realized how scared she was that their relationship was some sort of passing fancy to him, a novelty that would soon wear off. With Forrest, they’d had that whole year to grow close, to figure out what they wanted. With Mo’ata there was an instant connection, the type you could spend a lifetime looking for and still never find. Levi was a lost soul who’d found his world turned upside down, just like she had—they were list buddies. With each of them she had no doubts about their commitment.
Felix had been different. She’d grown to love the hulk and his twisted sense of humor, it matched hers all too well. She loved his thoughtfulness, and how he always seemed to know exactly what to do or say when she began to panic. She loved his teasing, and his carvings. She even loved how small she felt next to him, and how protected.
There wasn’t a part of him she didn’t love—even his insecurities. They simply all made Felix… well, Felix.
She didn’t want to lose him.
She wouldn’t lose him.
Last night had made that clear to her. She’d even started a mental list for Operation Free Felix. First, figure out what made his father tick. Second, find something that would gain his father’s approval—and she was not above resorting to blackmail if needed. Third was persuade Felix to take her to meet his family….
That may be the hardest part of this.
Beast shifted again and Blue moved to his other side, tackling the fur there. There was a streak of now loosened mud all down his side. “How did you manage to do this between the day before yesterday and this morning? Where do you even find mud like this?” There was a reddish cast to it, nothing like the soil in the courtyard or nearby parks. “Are you… begging rides from other people?”
Her demon-mount shifted his eyes away from her and hung his head.
She gasped. “You didn’t?”
He raised his head, glared at her, then lifted his chin in the air, as if to say, “I wouldn’t have had to if you paid more attention.”
“We are going to talk about this later. I am in too good a mood to allow you to ruin it.” Her brush strokes may have gotten a tad harder.
Beast purred and gently nudged her shoulder.
“Just tell me, was it someone I know?”
“Pixie?”
She twisted her head to find Forrest and Levi standing there. The Prizzoli wouldn’t meet her eyes. Beast huffed in the large man’s direction before sending her a big-eyed look—a look that said it was all the man’s fault, he couldn’t say no, they had both been so lonely…
“Don’t listen to him, pixie. Your mount is a con artist. He’s convinced not only Levi, but also Felix, to take him out. Mo’ata and I know better.” Forrest’s blue eyes narrowed. A snarling squeak came from near his feet and Blue peeked over the stall door to find Vivi, her coat freshly washed and shining.
“Illi.”
Blue turned her attention to Levi.
“It will not happen again. I did not realize this was such a violation of trust.”
He looked so horrified, with his darkened cheeks and wide eyes. She shouldn’t…
Blue laughed. When she caught her breath, she rushed to reassure him. “We were only teasing. I don’t like someone taking him out without telling me, but I understand. Just make sure he doesn’t make a mess of himself.” This last was more directed at Beast, who she had no doubt was responsible for the mud.
“Of course, illi. I could finish that?”
She shook her head. “I like this time. As Elaina pointed out, it’s one of the few times I can relax. Even if she doesn’t think taking care of Beast is relaxing, it is for me.”
“I actually came down to let you know breakfast is ready. Actually, it’s more like brunch, you’ve been down here for almost an hour already,” Forrest said.
“And you guys let me sleep in this morning.” She’d woken up to a dark room and an empty bed. Unlike her room, there were no windows in Felix’s to let in the morning light. She’d stretched and taken her time in pushing aside the covers and rolling out of bed, only to realize later that Felix had not only left her to sleep, he had taken her comm and shut off all her alarms.
Even with all that sleep, nearly nine hours, she had felt as though she was ready for another nine. It was as though once she told her body, hey, we’re resting now, it took that and decided a few extra hours wasn’t enough, it deserved a week.
“How long until we need to leave?” she asked.
“Another hour and a half, latest.”
“All right. I’ll finish up here and come up. Keep a plate warm for me in the cooker?”
Forrest stepped forward and crooked his finger. Blue stood on her toes and leaned against the door to offer her lips for a kiss. It was exactly what he wanted. After, he moved his mouth to her ear. “It will all work out, now,” he whispered.
“What will?” she whispered back.
“You’ll see. The pieces are all there, just waiting to fa
ll into place.” He stepped back. “But first, my exhibit!” He bounced on his toes even as his brows furrowed. “Do you think they’ll like it?”
She reached over the stall door and ran her hand over his hair. “They are going to love it. And if they don’t, fuck ‘em. I love it.”
“You haven’t even seen it yet.”
“You showed me pictures as it was coming together, and the concept sketches.”
He bit his lip.
“Look, snookums, it’s amazing. It’s more than amazing. The fact that your first sculpture project got chosen for the exhibit after you’ve only been at the University for three months, half your probationary period, is even more amazing.” She held his gaze. “You’re doing what you're meant to do. You are doing exactly what we came back to Karran for. You’re making it, Forrest.”
He gave her his soft smile. “Love you, pixie.”
“Love you too.” She waved her hand. “Now, shoo. I’ll finish up here, you all go ahead and get ready, that way when I’m done I can shovel food into my mouth and jump in the shower.”
Forrest gave her a mock salute and Levi bowed. She turned her attention back to Beast. “Looks like our time is almost up.” Slapping his shoulder, she let out a mock growl. “Not that you care. Apparently, I’m replaceable.”
Beast just nudged the brush in her hand.
Blue laughed and went back to grooming her demon-mount.
Placing her hand to the scanner, Blue bounced on her feet. She was running behind. Beast hadn’t let her out of the stall until she’d finished grooming every single bit of him, even going so far as to growl at her. She’d finished with the hard brush, then the soft, as fast as she could. It had still taken another thirty minutes until she was done to the demon’s satisfaction. Sometimes she wasn’t sure who the owner was in their relationship.
The door whooshed open and she rushed directly to the kitchen and the sink to wash her hands. “Give me twenty minutes, maybe thirty,” she yelled out. “I just need to hop in the shower, wash Beast off of me. I’ll tie my hai—“ Hands covered in suds and water, she cut her words off as she caught sight of the guys.
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