When she had stood there refusing to run away he had finally opened the door and allowed her into his flat.
He gestured for her to go ahead of him. As she walked through a doorway she realised she was in his bedroom, the unmade bed, the discarded clothes on the floor, simply adding to her feeling that this was not the father she had known.
She turned back to see what he wanted of her.
He was standing too close to her.
He grabbed her arm. She had to listen as he spoke calmly, almost conversationally “I should have got you used to this by now. I should have started you young. My father always said girl children were only good for one thing. He was right. We learned from him on Rebecca.”
He was holding her so she couldn’t move, while he was unzipping his trousers. His intentions were obvious.
“That’s all girl children are good for. I got no use out of you while your mother protected you but I’ll enjoy making up for it now. You need to learn what a man really needs and who better to teach you than your father?”
She hit him as hard as she could but he didn’t let her go, he slapped her hard across the face with the back of his hand, his ring catching the corner of her eye. The impact pushed her, unbalanced, backwards, but with strength she had no idea she had she worked herself free and ran out of the flat, down the stairs and to safety.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She was not going to give any explanation as she slammed the door of the car. “Let’s go.”
They all wanted to confront Matt but Holly screamed at them “Leave it. Leave him.” Reluctantly, Crispin put the car into gear and drove home as Linda carefully dabbed at the blood oozing from the cut on Holly’s face.
Holly went back to Oxford with the boys and Linda but she was withdrawn, there was none of the enthusiasm she had shown that one morning.
“If she doesn’t want to talk about it, she doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s that!”
“But …
“But nothing! She’s upset. Nothing’s going right for her. We’ve just got to be here when she wants to talk to us. We can’t force her.”
“She’s just going through the motions as if nothing had happened.”
“Well that’s up to her isn’t it. If she wants to ignore the fact that her father gave her a black eye then that’s her prerogative. We can’t make her tell us what it was all about.”
“But she’s been so moody. She answers when we ask her something, she smiles when someone says something funny, she does her share around the house and she hasn’t just gone into her room and sulked.”
“But she’s not really here. It’s as if she’s been taken over by an alien and has become a programmed zombie!” Oliver tried to lighten his brother’s mood.
“Don’t be so stupid! She’s fine. She’s a helluvalot better than she was before we came down here.”
Linda and her brothers didn’t like to talk about Holly behind her back but they were worried and she wasn’t there.
They sat pint jugs in hand. It was Sunday evening and the terrace was crowded even though it was seven o’clock and the pub had just opened. They sat on the wall overlooking the river swinging their legs in the water.
“Where is she anyway?”
“She just left the house early. She didn’t tell me where she was going.”
“Nor me.”
“Not very like her is it?”
“Like she was last autumn. She was withdrawn, miserable and uncommunicative then, and her Mother wasn’t even dead!”
“Holly! That’s really cruel”
“Well she was a pain. She’s just the same now.”
“What happened to you two being friends?”
“I dunno. She’s changed. We had a morning like we used to be when we cleared out her house, then we went to see her father.
What a shit that man is. But we haven’t been really close, like we used to be, for ages, not since she starting seeing that shit Graham.”
“Does she still do that?”
“I didn’t think so.”
“She’d have told us wouldn’t she?”
“Not if she knows you disapprove of her. “
Holly’s behaviour was unsettling the three of them, although the weather had been good and they had done all the usual things, it wasn’t the same as the previous summer.
“It’s my last summer before the real world hits me and it’s all being fucked up by her stupid behaviour. It’s not fair!”
“When did you start swearing like a trooper?” Oliver tried to sound like a disapproving elder brother.
“Why are you getting at me? It’s not my fault we’re all having a miserable time.”
“It’s not that bad.” Crispin didn’t sound convincing.
“Anyone for another beer? I thought I’d find you here.”
“Hi Carl.”
When they had all returned to their places on the wall Carl sandwiched between Linda and Crispin, they were still subdued.
“Well were you talking about me then?”
“What?”
“Well you were all talking animatedly when I came and now you’re saying nothing. QED you were talking about me.”
“No, actually,” Linda said coldly, as if there was no reason at all why any one of them would ever want to talk about Carl, “We weren’t talking about you. We were talking about Holly.”
“Hasn’t she got back yet?”
Carl’s question seemed quite natural to him but it caused a rash of enquiry.
“Back from where?”
“Have you seen her?”
“Where’s she been?”
“Ah.” Linda was the first to realise what had been going on. “You’ve been racing today, haven’t you? And so has she, with that creep. You’ve seen her, them, whatever.”
“Yes. Why? What’s the problem? I haven’t seen her for a few months but I assumed that was because she had exams, and her mum’s accident. But yes, she was there, with Graham, he did quite well actually. Surprising really, he came fourth.”
“I couldn’t give a shit whether he won the fucking Grand Prix what did she say? Was she OK? Did she seem like she wanted to be there?”
“Yes, of course! Why shouldn’t she?”
They spent a few minutes explaining to Carl about her odd behaviour recently and her argument with her father. “Well she seemed fine to me, very happy actually. I’ve not seen her kissing and cuddling with Graham before. They seemed all over each other actually. Sorry Crispin.” Carl knew how his friend felt about Holly. “Anyway, you can see for yourselves. Here they come.”
They had all listened, stunned, as Graham told them he and Holly were to be married.
“Why?” Was Linda’s immediate reaction “You’re not, you know, are you…?”
“No of course not.” Holly sounded indignant.
“Why then?”
“Because I asked her and because she loves me.”
Linda wanted to scream ‘No she doesn’t!’
Holly certainly didn’t look like someone in love.
“Why not just live together?”
“At least while you finish at Leicester.”
“You are going to finish your degree, aren’t you?
Holly spoke defensively. “Isn’t anyone going to congratulate us?”
That evening when Holly got home the boys made themselves scarce so that Linda could talk to her.
“Are you sure you want to go ahead with it? Because if you aren’t absolutely certain now is really the time to say so.”
“I’m sure.”
Linda wanted to hug her friend and say ‘don’t do it. We all love you too much to let you make this mistake’.
Holly wanted Linda to say ‘stop me. Tell me I can’t do it. I know I’m making a mistake but I can’t go back on it because I haven’t any other option.’
But somehow there was a distance between them that could not be bridged, neither could say what they really wanted to so after an
awkward silence Linda shrugged and said “Then we’ll help all we can. We all will. Of course we will.”
Holly managed to get to her room before bursting into tears.
Linda went back to the boys to tell them Holly wasn;t going to change her mind. “Absolutely not! It’s crazy. It’s madness. She’s only 20 for Christ’s sake. She’s got her finals coming up. She can’t.”
“He’s a creep. He wants something from her. I just know it.” Linda voiced the suspicions for all of them “Look at those times he kept showing up, Christmas, New Year, Easter.”
“Just before her Mum died.”
“It’s up to her what she does.”
“But marry Graham!” Crispin was horrified
“You sound like Henry Higgins Marry Graham Huh!”
“We can’t let her go through with it.”
“We can’t stop her.”
“But there are so many reasons why it will be a disaster.”
“Can’t you talk her out of it Linda?”
“Why would she listen to me?”
“Well you, Carl, she’d listen to you.”
“Why would she do that? She’s not going to listen to anyone. If you ask me she feels no one loves her and she will be safe and secure once she’s married and, as Graham said, he was the one that asked her.”
“I’d have asked her.”
“We know you would have done, Crisp, but you didn’t.”
“She never gave me a chance.”
Chapter Fifteen
On the morning of Saturday 15th September 1973 a special breakfast was being prepared at the Forsters. Oliver and Crispin sat behind plates of bacon, eggs, mushrooms and tomatoes, though Crispin’s appetite wasn’t as healthy as normal.
“It’s going to be a long day”
“Does she really want to go ahead with this?” Crispin hoped that, even at this last stage, they could persuade her to change her mind.
“She’s absolutely set on it.” His twin answered. He knew how much it hurt Crispin to see Holly marry Graham.
“How is she?”
“Still in her room, I took up some tea and toast and she seemed absolutely set on it.”
“Is Linda with her?”
“She’s having her hair done, then she’ll be with her. She’ll look beautiful, it’s a lovely dress.”
“That’s not the point is it? Weddings aren’t supposed to be how pretty people are and how beautiful the bridesmaid looked are they?”
“Aren’t they?”
Pat gave Oliver a look that quietened him abruptly. “You will look smart and happy. You will do your jobs as ushers and you will do your absolute best to make this the wonderful day it must be. Holly needs our unqualified support. She will get it. Won’t she.”
“OK Mum.” Oliver answered for both of them.
“We’ve got two hours before we need to be at the church. Go for a walk or something.”
“Why don’t they have weddings at ten o’clock in the morning and then no one would have the time to worry. Not having to be there till noon gives so much time to think.”
Holly had not wanted to get in touch with her father but Graham had told her she must. He had no intention of paying for the wedding so Matt would have to. She had reluctantly phoned him, expecting a row. She thought he would refuse permission, or if he gave it would insist on a small register office ceremony, or if he agreed to a proper white wedding would refuse to pay for it. But as she talked in a rush “Graham and I are getting married. There’s nothing you can do that will change my mind. And I want a decent wedding. Mom would have wanted me to, wouldn’t she?” He had agreed. “Yes, sure she would, sure you do.”
She asked Pat to be ‘honorary Mother of the Bride’ and undertake the organisation. Graham sent them a list of names but left everything else to them. As Pat wrote the invitations out, she wondered who all these people were, why they were being invited and what Graham was trying to prove. Try as she might she could not understand why Matt or Graham or Holly wanted to make such a big thing of the wedding when Mary had been dead less than six months.
Some of the invitations were declined.
Holly’s grandparents had replied saying they disapproved of the marriage. In a long letter to Pat they asked what she knew of Graham, what had happened to the nice young man who they had stayed with, who had met them at the airport, and asking Pat to persuade Holly not to go ahead.
Carl sent his apologies, explaining he would be filming abroad. Perhaps he could have been in England but the chance of meeting Susannah, or of her seeing his photograph in the paper, was too great.
Ted sent a note saying “Unfortunately I can’t be with you. Since I don’t have an idea what the young people would like for a present perhaps they can buy something with this.” It was attached to the cheque that was for far too much money.
Max replied saying unfortunately both he and Monika had alternative arrangements made for that day. Charles, however, accepted, having argued with Max that he felt he had to go.
But most were accepted.
Maureen Shelton sent a wordy letter of acceptance, referring to the ‘old days’ and how, although she had only met Alicia’s nephew Graham once, she had obviously been wrong in her impressions of him. If Holly loved him there had to be some good in him.
As Holly checked the growing list of acceptances she thought how odd it was that so many of the same people would be at this wedding as had been at Alicia’s funeral.
Although it had been only eighteen months ago life had moved on so much for many of them.
On the morning of the wedding Holly looked at her reflection in the mirror on her dressing table, and behind her, her dress hanging on the door.
She liked her dress. It wasn’t the chocolate box sort of dress that most people seemed to wear with a tight waist and enormous skirt circling out around her. She had chosen a more elegant, slim line dress that was tight just under her breasts and fell straight to the floor. “Empire line this used to be called miss” the woman in the shop had said. “Very elegant, though not normally worn by one so young.”
“Well I like it.” She had said.
She didn’t like her hair. Instead of hanging long and straight, tucked behind her ears as it usually was, it had been styled more formally, swept up into what the hairdresser called a ‘French roll’ that Holly really did not like. The hairdresser had insisted that it made her look more sophisticated, Holly had taken that as implicit criticism that she was too young to be getting married and had taken against the hairstyle.
“Bugger them,” she said, “I’m not too young.”
She removed the hundreds of pins and shook her head. As her hair fell more naturally around her shoulders she remembered the day, only two years earlier, when Linda had pinned her hair up and they had taken the school by storm collecting their A level results. Star Pupils they had been, she still had the cutting in her box of treasures. She had a brief recollection of Crispin’s kiss and how safe she had felt when he had kissed her again in the kitchen in Oxford.
He had seemed interested in her then. She wondered why he had gone off her. Although he’d been friendly enough ever since he had never tried to get close to her again.
She didn’t like being rejected.
She sat in front of the mirror in her dressing gown putting on the minimal makeup she had always worn. “Bugger them. I’m not going to be someone I’m not.
“Can I come in?”
Crispin appeared at the door, wearing an incongruous combination of Rolling Stones t-shirt and formal morning suit trousers.
“Of course” Holly instinctively pulled her dressing gown around her and tying the belt more tightly around her waist. He saw the defensiveness in her movements and so he didn’t go into the room, he just stayed in the doorway, his hand on the door handle.
“Are you OK?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” She couldn’t mean to be rude, she knew that no one understood why she was doing what s
he as doing.
“We, that is Olly and I, we were wondering if we could get you anything. A glass of something? You must be feeling nervous.”
“No I’m fine.”
“Sure?”
“Sure.”
She wondered why he hung around. She didn’t feel like company. “And?” she asked him, prompting him to say what was obviously on his mind.
“Can I come in?”
“You already asked that.” This time he went into her room and closed the door behind him. He sat down on her bed, awkwardly, his hands between his knees.
“Come on Crisp. What is it? I’ve got to get dressed soon.”
He didn’t say anything for a few moments. He just looked at her. Eventually he said “You are so beautiful Holly.”
She wasn’t sure what to say. His meaning was obvious.
She looked at him and shrugged her shoulders.
“I mean it.”
Still he didn’t move from the bed and she couldn’t move from her seat in front of the dressing table. She looked at his reflection in the mirror and he stared at her.
“Come on Crisp. I’ve got to get ready.” She didn’t want him to say what she knew he was trying to say.
“You’ve got hours yet.” He was trying to put off the time when she would put on that dress. He couldn’t stop thinking that what she finally took it off she would be married. To Graham.
“Not that long.” She was becoming embarrassed.
“Holly” he started “Holly, I’ve got to say this.”
“Don’t.”
“I’ve got to.”
“Please don’t.” She was angry with him. Why was he going to say these things now? Now? Why hadn’t he said anything before?
“If I don’t I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Please don’t. We’ve always been friends please let’s stay that way.” It wasn’t that she minded, it was just two months too late.
“I’ve got to say this, Holly. Really. You don’t have to go through with this. You don’t have to marry him. We can go down to the church and tell everyone that the party is going ahead, they can have the food and the drink and everyone can talk and chat and gossip, but you don’t have to go through with the wedding. If your father doesn’t like it we’ll pay, Oliver and I, we’ll pay your father back anything it’s all cost. We’ll make sure he hasn’t lost anything. But honestly, you don’t have to go through with this. Please. Listen. You don’t.”
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