I watch him a moment, sitting in front of the fire in a pair of lounge shorts, unaware of me standing in the doorway, staring at the flame. I watch his back move slowly with each deep breath he takes, his legs pulled to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, holding them tight.
I don’t want to break him from wherever his mind has drifted to, but our food is getting cold. A tiny tug of guilt pulls at my heart as I creep forward, the floorboard under my floor creaking when I stand on it, causing him to spin his head round fast to look at me smiling.
“Dinners ready.” My voice echoes soft through the room.
I stand watching as he jumps to his feet, running his hand through his hair. “Great, I’m starving.”
“Built up an appetite?” I laugh following him in the kitchen.
He pulls out the chair, a surprised look on his face at the plates and wine set up on the table. “Evvie, this is….”
“Just an omelette.” I blush sitting across from him, taking a sip of my wine.
I hold my breath watching him take a bite, my heart nervous, but the smile on his face and noises coming from his lips tell me he enjoys it.
“This is delicious!” His eyes gleam.
I can feel my cheeks redden a little from his praise. “It’s just an omelette, Marcus,” I gest.
“Evvie, don’t cut yourself short of a compliment, it’s amazing.” He takes another bite.
I wonder if this is what our normal could be like, could we sit on an evening, sharing a meal together - no worries or fears hanging over our heads, no guilty burdens banging at the door.
I had hoped for a long time I could have just a single piece of this normal kind of love…. yes, I said it right now…. unconditionally, deep down his name is scribed on my heart. Like carving a name into a tree as a teenager, his name is carved deep inside me.
So why can’t I say it out loud?
Am I so fucked up I would take the love of another and not give it in return, not share those three tiny words, that when separated is insignificant yet whole they are everything? My problem is simple, when the bruises are fading and the bones repaired the words are meaningless, when it’s said as a passing phrase they lose their spark and fizzle to nothing.
Drake used those words in the cruellest ways. It convinced me that I would never let them flow from my lips.
But I feel love….
Feel the meaning of the words, the butterflies, my heart pounding hard against my chest when he looks at me, my skin tingling from his touch – I feel it all.
“You’re not hungry?” I’m pulled from my deep thoughts by his voice. I look up noticing that his plate is now empty and I’m just pushing the food around with my fork.
“Not really.” I place the fork on the plate and stand up, gathering his empty plate and take them to the sink.
“Leave that for tonight.” He curls his hands around me from behind, holding me tight just like the first night on his balcony, resting his chin on my shoulder, his breath hot against my skin.
Resting my hands on his, I lean my head back a little, my eyes closed, capturing the tiny undisturbed moments we share together, hiding them away.
“Come on, let’s take this wine and get cosy in front of the fire.” He takes the bottle and glasses off the table and walks off into the living room, stopping in the doorway he turns, waiting for me.
I slowly follow his lead, the room giving me butterflies once more. Marcus sits on the fluffy rug in front of the fire, patting the space next to him.
I take the glass he holds out for me and sitting down I curl myself up close beside him. “This is perfect Marcus.” I look up at him, smiling.
Placing his glass on the table behind me, he rests his hand on my cheek, staring intensely into my eyes. “You’re perfect, Evvie.” The words make my skin set fire, my hands shake a little and I almost drop the glass.
He takes the glass off me smiling and places it on the table next to his. Both hands cup my face and slowly I’m being pushed gently on my back, the rug underneath soft and plush under my skin.
Turning my head to the side a little, I stare up into his eyes, reaching up my fingers to push the hair off his face. “I don’t deserve you….” the words escape my lips before I had time to even think about them.
He takes hold of my wrist, sadness written all over his face. “Don’t ever think like that.”
I hold my breath as he slowly presses my hand on his chest, his hand holding mine in place across his heart. “You feel that?” I close my eyes, the thumping of his strong heart against my palm making my own heart beat hard. “It beats so hard for you…. because of you.”
“Open your eyes, Evvie…” He tenderly runs his thumb across my cheek. “Look at me.”
My eyes flutter open slowly, my hand still pressed against his chest, a constant thud against my hand. “I meant what I said.” His lip curls a little at the side. “I do love you Evvie…”
“Marcus don’t…. please.” I beg, trying to look away, but he takes my chin, turning my head to look at him again.
“Don’t what? Tell you how amazing you are, that my heart races when you look at me with those fucking eyes?” His thumb trails along my lips. “Or tell you how much I love kissing those plump rosy lips….” Leaning down, his lips press against mine…. barely touching.
I look at my hand on his chest, then back to him. “I dragged you to danger Marcus.” I can feel his heart racing faster.
“No, you didn’t Evvie. The moment I took your hand, I made my choice….and I would do it all again.” The only sound in the room is the crackling from the fire. Our eyes gaze into each other.
A tear escapes cascading down my cheek, dancing on my skin, I try to hold back when his thumb brushes it away, my lips quiver as he leans down feathering sweet kisses where the tear left its mark. A lump forms in my throat.
“I told you everything you feel…. I feel with you; you don’t ever have to be alone.” His hand curls around my neck, pulling me up into his arms, moulding my body to his. I press my head against his chest as his fingers run through my hair. “Let go of it all Evvie.”
I close my eyes, doing exactly what he told me to do.
I let it all go.
I have nothing left to say, no secrets left buried inside.
No more painful memories to hide.
Marcus took it all.
I lay awake most of the night, guilt weighing over me harshly like a thick blanket. I could see the hint of disappointment in his eyes as he nestled in my neck and drifted off to sleep. His hand rested on my chest most of the night. I tried to sleep, begged for it.
I watch the sun rise through the gap in the thick curtains this morning, my mind arguing bitterly with my heart.
Turning on my side, I watch him while pushing the stray hair off his face, my finger tracing along the side of his face and along his jawline, causing him to scrunch his nose up a little.
I watch him sleeping blissfully, my heart aching.
I carefully toss the covers off me, quietly climb out of bed, and make my way to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
Turning the shower on, I step under the steaming hot water, letting it soak my sweaty skin. I wished my past wouldn’t haunt me, prayed I could live a normal happy life, wishing I had met Marcus long before any of the shit turned my world upside down, but none came true.
Nothing about my life right now is easy, never has been. I try to stay strong, my wall built to withstand any storm that heads my way. I’m tired of feeling so alone, fed up with being the victim, unable to move on with my life.
I let out a small sigh.
How different our life would be if we could just live a normal life, if he didn’t need to risk his own life for mine. How easy it would be to love unconditionally.
I want to tell him so much, reveal so many hopes and feelings, but something still holds me back. Time will never be on our side. I spent so much of it with people that hurt me, and even more time hiding
. And now, looking back, I have lost so much of it…stolen from me.
Drake is the one horror I can never outrun the one memory I will never lose. Even in my dying breath, he will still be in my mind.
I’ve been walking around in black and white for so long, now Marcus injects a little bit of colour into my life. I fear I’m going to lose it…. lose him.
Turning the shower off, I grab a towel from the rail and wrap it tight around myself, letting out a harsh sigh as I look at my reflection in the mirror.
‘Just relax Evvie’ I tell myself, pushing the fears aside.
Unlocking the door, I walk back in the bedroom, smiling as he is still asleep where I left him. It’s the longest I have seen him sleep. In all our nights together, I have always woken to an empty bed. I feel like the shadow that hangs over me puts him on edge, sleepless nights and worry keeping him up at night.
I get dressed, careful not to wake him so he can get a few more moments of sleep. Plaiting my wet hair, I let it hang over my shoulder.
Leaning over him, I softly press my lips on his. “Morning,” I whisper. And sit on the edge of the bed, brushing the hair off his face, watching his eyes slowly open.
He stretches his arms out over his head, his whole-body arching. “I could get used to this.”
“What?” I question.
He sits up a little in the bed, pulling the pillow behind his back. “Seeing that smile when I open my eyes.” His thumb trails my lips.
“It was actually nice waking up to you still asleep next to me for a change instead of a cold space at the side of me,” I admit.
He curls my plait around his fingers, tugging it so I lean down, my lips pressing on him. “Something we could both get used to then and something we should both practice more.” He smiles.
I look down for a moment. “Marcus.” I press my fingers across my wrist, tapping the anxiety away. “About last night…” He notices my discomfort and rests his hand on mine. Instantly relaxing me.
“Don’t Evvie.” He sits up fully, his hands holding mine. “You don’t have to say anything.”
My gut aches to explain to him, to make him understand my true feelings, his words only intensifying the guilt. “It’s not that I….”
His finger presses against my lip, stopping me. “I know Evvie, trust me.”
I do, completely and utterly with every fibre in my body, I trust him completely.
I smile at him, knowing we share an understanding. I don’t need to say the words to feel them. The night he told me to follow him, I was his, body and soul, when he held me in his arms that same night, I knew it deep down.
Every moment we have shared since then has sealed our fate, the dark cloud that looms over us slowly drawing nearer, and I fear that once it’s all over, will we still feel the same? Once I’m not the damsel in distress will he still want to be with me?
He presses his hand against my cheek, almost reading my mind. “Yes.” He kisses my forehead, with both hands now on either side of my face. He looks deep into my eyes. “No matter what happens, I’ll always want to be with you.” It almost comes out a whisper.
I don’t know how he always knows what I’m thinking or how I feel, but he always finds the right words to say, answering the questions that I don’t even know I have. Never giving me time to think.
“I told you I’m not letting you go.” He pulls me down next to him, throws the cover over us and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight.
My phone buzzes on the bedside table, pulling me back to reality. Reaching up, I grab it, scrolling through the messages, one from Justin and Jensen.
Justin: just checking in sis.
I let out a sigh, and quickly type out a reply.
Me: great, everything’s fine here. I’ll speak to you later xx
He instantly replies with a smiley face. My brother has never been one for texting, he would rather annoy me over the phone. I click on Jensen’s name. Reading over the message a strange feeling washes over me and I sit up to read over it again.
Jen: Evvie, ring me as soon as you get this message, something weird is going on with Dec! ring me ASAP.
I jump out the bed. “Something’s going on with Jensen and Dec.”
Marcus sits up in the bed, running his fingers through his hair. “Who’s Dec?” he asks confused.
“New guy at the bar, tall skinny? Bit emo?” I explain. Pressing the green ring button on my phone I bring the phone against my ear, biting my nails anxiously.
“Oh, you mean the guy that was quizzing you at the door the other day?” He swings his legs out of the bed, stretching his arms up in the air.
Something didn’t feel right with Dec. I swear he was arguing on the phone when we left the bar the other night.
I stand up pacing the room waiting for Jensen to answer. Marcus comes up behind me, resting his hands on my shoulders – massaging them to calm my nerves. He can sense the worry as I bite my fingernail. The phone eventually goes to answerphone. Throwing it on the bed, I rub my face with my hand.
“Something doesn’t feel right Marcus, maybe we should head back?” I rest my hand on my hips, my pulse raising as I overthink everything.
“If you’re really worried, we can pack up and go back, but I really don’t think there is any need.” Marcus steps in front of me taking hold of my hands, a reassuring look on his face.
I know something isn’t right. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, something Daniel said rings through me. “Do you remember what Daniel said….?”
“He said a lot of things Evvie, too much if you fucking ask me.” Marcus had a spark of anger about his tone. I can tell he was still pissed about it.
“No, I mean when he said Drake has someone on the inside?” I stop before the light bulb moment hits. Marcus has the same instant reaction as me. I rush around the room gathering my belongings and throw them in my bag. In the same moment my phone buzzes on the bed, rushing over I grab it, panic coursing through me.
I look to Marcus before answering.
“Jensen?” I question, pacing the room.
“I’ll go pack everything up downstairs and load up the car.” Marcus rushes over, kissing me on the forehead before grabbing my bag and heading downstairs.
“Hey Evvie.” His voice carries a worried tone.
“Is everything ok?”
I hear him let out a sigh. “No.” and another. “Something strange is going on with Dec.”
“What?” I ask. Sometimes slowly you can feel the pieces of the puzzle slotting together. The questions he was asking me, I thought he was just over friendly, a bit of a gossip, maybe.
“He has been acting strange since you left….” He pauses for a minute. “Like asking where you have gone, the address…”
“Shit!” I frown. Daniel was right.
“Yeah but last night when we left the club, he was talking to someone on the phone, he sounded scared…. Then he got a bunch of texts on his phone, so when we went back to his place, I had a quick look. Evvie…”
I walk away from the window, my heart speeding up, waiting for more. “What Jen?”
“Evvie look, don’t worry about it, I spoke to Justin…”
“Fuck, Jensen, just tell me.”
There is a silent pause. “He has been texting someone about you.”
I stop dead in the middle of the room; the walls closing in on me. My heart pounding hard against my chest.
“Who?” I try not to shout at him, but my question comes out harsh... demanding.
My hands shake, waiting for his response…. “Jensen…. Was it Drake?”
“Evvie, I’m sorry I had no idea….”
My heart sinks… “Dec was playing us all?”
I hear a hard knock at the door downstairs…. Muffled voices, I drop the phone to the floor. My palms are sweaty as I slowly reach for the door handle.
I’m about to yank the door open when I hear a huge bang from downstairs.
Glass shatters.
; Fuck!
Footsteps slowly walk up the stairs…. My head spins, searching the room for somewhere to hide. I push my back against the door as panic courses through me. Marcus!
As the footsteps reach the top, I hold my breath. Looking at the phone on the floor, I try to reach it with my foot, but as the handle starts to turn I push the door as hard as I can.
My feet slide on the wood floor as the door is forced open, pushing me across the floor like a feather.
The air escapes my lungs.
I cover my mouth when he enters the room slowly.
I can hear Jensen’s faint voice coming from the phone still sitting on the floor.
My whole body shakes.
“Hello Evvie.” The voice rings through me, sending a flurry of fear rumbling around my body.
I cower down in the corner of the room as he stands at the door, his hands deep in his trouser pockets. I can’t hold back the tears. I try to scream out but can’t find my voice, I’m that scared girl again.
He walks over to me, removing his hand from his pocket. Bending down, he reaches out to touch my hair, but I recoil, turning my head away from him.
“It’s lovely to see you again.”
I tuck my legs close to my chest, shaking furiously. I want to fight back…. “Whe… where’s Marcus? What have you done to him?”
He smirks at me. “What your little lover boy downstairs? Don’t worry, he is just having a little nap, my love.” He grabs my arm tight, yanking me up to my feet. “I think we need to have a little chat, don’t you?”
I scream out in pain as he drags me across the floor. “What have you done to him, you fucking bastard?” I wriggle out of his hold and charge for the door, jumping straight into a huge guy all dressed in black.
Drake snarls in my ear from behind, grabbing hold of my hair tight. “Who do you think you are talking to?” His hand swings back and then slaps my cheek, the burning instantly hitting. “Take her to the fucking car.” He pushes me to the other guy, a disgusted look written all over his face.
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