I admire Ryke for many reasons. But I think this is the greatest one: Loren Hale is the bastard child that destroyed Ryke’s family. Their father got another woman pregnant, conceiving Lo. And Ryke subsequently lived with his single mother after the divorce. Yet, Ryke stands here today, wanting only to protect a guy who was the catalyst for his broken life.
But Ryke doesn’t even understand the impact he’s had on Lo’s life. He really can’t see all the good he’s done. Because he’s not finished blaming himself for being so selfish those first twenty-two years, for ignoring Lo because he was attached to their father by blood and proximity.
He needs to forgive himself. I’m not sure how long that’ll take, if it will ever come to pass. We just have to wait and see.
Ryke rubs his reddened eyes. He looks like he needs to scream. Or maybe kick something. “I don’t know what to fucking do.”
“Ryke,” I say calmly, filling my voice with the most reassurance it can handle. “If he’s relapsing, you’re not alone in this. We’re going to help you take care of him.”
Ryke nods to himself, trying to believe this.
I want to add, You didn’t fail your brother. But it sounds trite and cliché. But it’s also true.
“That’s not all,” Rose says, her voice slightly shaking.
Fuck.
She heads over to the mattress and picks up Savannah’s camera.
It’s Lily.
Whatever’s on there—it has to do with her sister.
We lock eyes for a second before she adjusts the screen, the volume and the playback. Sometimes I feel as though Lily and Lo are the heart of us all. When they go down, a force inside of us slowly decides to break. It’s a painful reminder that we’re all human; we all have foibles and no matter how hard we think we’re keeping ourselves together—it’s other people that can hurt us the most.
Love is an asshole. Or a bitch. I wonder how long we’ve been fighting each other.
I watch the screen as Rose hits the “play” button.
Lily and Lo are at a bookstore—a rarity for them. Usually they’re holed up in their rooms or they hide out at Loren’s office where he’s trying to build a publishing company for comic books and graphic novels.
I watch as Lily pulls Lo into the public bathroom.
Shit.
They have rules based on Lily’s recovery plan. No public sex is one of the big ones. Savannah films from outside the door, but the audio picks up their voices from the microphones they wear underneath their clothes.
“Everyone is staring,” Lily whispers.
“You’re a sex addict and I’m an alcoholic,” he reminds her, “and the whole world fucking knows it. We have to get used to people staring, love.”
There’s a long moment of silence before Lily asks, “Can I give you a blow job?”
I glance up at Rose who still holds the camera. Her yellow-green eyes pierce me with an internal rage. I wrap an arm around her shoulder, so rigid she might as well be a marble statue.
Lo doesn’t exactly answer Lily. But noises emanate from the bathroom. Sucking. Slurping. Groaning comes soon after.
Rose turns off the camera. “That lasts for thirty minutes,” she says coldly. “Thirty minutes, Richard. He knows better.”
“And your sister is innocent in all of this, of course,” Ryke snaps. “She shouldn’t have asked him to have sex in the first place!”
Rose squares off with him like they’ve been tapped-in to battle for their respective siblings. “Lily has been doing really well—”
Ryke lets out a dry laugh. “That’s doing well?” He points to the camera. “She might as well have jumped on his—”
“She’s under a lot of anxiety,” Rose cuts him off. “Her entire sex life and addiction has been put up for public mocking. Let’s see how you handle thousands of people calling your dick a disease infested wasteland.”
“She’s clean,” Ryke refutes. “She knows it. We all know it.” He motions around the room. “What other people say shouldn’t fucking matter.”
“She’s trying to be stronger!” Rose screams at him, her nose flaring. I walk forward and touch her waist to calm her, but she only moves out of my hands. “Your brother, however—”
I cover her mouth with my palm. She grips my wrist to try to pry it off, but my force keeps her head in my possession. She’s not going anywhere or saying anything that will turn this situation from bad to unmanageably shitty.
“Enough,” I say calmly. Both of them fall into silence. Well, Rose is being forced into it, but her shoulders thankfully begin to relax, less on the defensive. “When you two compete over who has the better sibling, we accomplish nothing. They’re both fucked up. Leave it at that.”
“They shouldn’t be together,” Ryke declares. It’s a statement he throws out almost every time the three of us have these little talks about Lily and Lo.
Rose politely slaps my arm this time instead of just tearing at it. So I release her.
“You break them up and see what happens,” Rose threatens, peeling a piece of hair off her lips. We could do it. We’re the oldest of our so-called group, and it wouldn’t be hard to force Lily and Lo to separate for a couple years. I think we all consider it for about five minutes before we realize what that means.
They love one another deeply. And the only reason they’re still trying to be healthy is for each other. Take that support away and they might as well be slaves to their addictions again.
Instead we sit for hours discussing alternative plans. Like taking both of them to a comic book convention. We did that months ago, trying to get them out of the house and out of their heads. Little things matter.
They have no clue we talk about them in detail. They’d probably feel guilty that we all care enough to obsess over their welfare.
“We don’t even know if he drank the alcohol,” I tell them. “It could have been Lily or…” I shake my head at the thought. “Production.”
“They wouldn’t,” Ryke says, his eyes dark. “If they fuck with their addictions, I’m done. I’m fucking off this show and they can fucking kiss my ass.”
I swear I become stupider when I hear curse words strung together.
“The only way we’ll know is if we ask Lily and Loren,” I tell him.
“They’ll lie. You think they want the three of us shoving our disapproval and disappointment down their throats?”
“So let’s not even ask,” I say with a casual shrug. “Let’s just act like they’re two dishonest, despicable addicts who don’t deserve to explain their side of the story.”
Ryke narrows his eyes at me. “You know what, I’m fucking glad that production has been editing you into a giant fucking prick. Because this…” He waves his hand. Ryke becomes overly animated with his body gesticulations whenever he’s angry. A huge part of me wants to tie him up just so he stops. “…is the most annoying shit I have to deal with in my fucking day.”
I have so many rebuttals to that, but provoking Ryke takes time. Which I don’t have right now.
“So we agree to talk to Lily and Lo?”
Ryke glowers.
“I’ll get them,” Rose cuts in and slides between us to leave out the door.
[ 34 ]
ROSE CALLOWAY
Lily and Loren take a seat on my bed, and Lily keeps shaking her head the longer Connor and I explain the situation. She finally cracks when Connor mentions the empty tequila bottle. “He would have thrown up if he drank! He’s on Antabuse.”
The drug is for recovering alcoholics, causing them to be ill if they ingest liquor. It doesn’t curb your cravings; it’s merely an incentive not to drink.
Loren stares at the ground, his eyebrows bunched in confusion.
“Are you still taking it?” Ryke asks roughly.
Lo glares. “Shouldn’t you know that? You count my pills.” He’s acting abnormally sketchy, deflecting instead of outright answering his brother. I almost charge forward on the offensive, but Conn
or holds me by the waist, two firm hands on my hips.
Ryke rubs the back of his neck. “I stopped because I was trying to trust you.”
“I don’t know why you even ask me,” Lo says angrily. “You already think I drank.”
“Honestly, I don’t know what to fucking think.”
Connor speaks before Lo can blow up. “We can squash this really easily. We haven’t seen you sick these past couple weeks. All you have to do is show us your pills so we know that you’re taking them.”
“It’s not your fucking body, Connor,” Loren sneers. “This doesn’t affect anyone in the room but me and maybe Lil. I don’t have to tell you shit.” He stands like he’s ready to leave, and Lily’s face falls in confusion.
I am boiling. I am on fire. I want to punch him for being so clueless! I tear through Connor’s hold on me, and I sidestep to block Loren’s body from the door, outstretching my hands to either frame. “Your addiction affects everyone in this room. If you can’t see that—”
“I see just fine,” he interrupts, his voice carrying an edge that sharpens with each word. His cheekbones are so severe, his features beautiful and terrifying all at once.
“Don’t be an idiot.”
Lo lets out a short, bitter laugh. “That’s so fucking easy for you, isn’t it?” he says with malice. “Being smart. Miss Perfect. What do you have to worry about? Does my hair look good today? Do my shoes match my dress?”
“Lo,” Connor warns.
But this doesn’t stop him.
Loren watches my breathing deepen in pure rage. All I see is my sister. He said he was going to protect her, and he’s enabling her again. Why the fuck would he do that? Why is the most significant person in her life her savior and her demon?
I want to hurt him so badly. He makes it way too easy to do so. That’s the problem.
Lo saunters over to my neatly arranged bookshelf. “Let’s see, Rose…” He grabs a hardback and carelessly flips through it before shaking the book by the spine. My chest caves. “How does this feel?”
Horrible.
And then he opens my manila design folders and rattles them until all the papers flutter to the floor. “Stop it!” I shout, trying to collect them, every misplaced item like a knife in my side. My anxiety pitches.
“This doesn’t bother you, right?” he says. “Nothing’s fucking wrong with Rose Calloway? I’m the idiot. I’m the fucking moron in your world who’s so stupid and selfish that he would drink again and again.”
“No…” I say, but my head spins so much as I rearrange the papers. My hands tremble as I reach for my sketches in charcoal, some in color.
More than a couple I drew when I was only a teenager.
He spilt part of my childhood on the floor and scrambled the years.
[ 35 ]
CONNOR COBALT
Rose is close to manic.
Her eyes dance wildly over the papers in distress. The last time I’ve seen her like this, she was pacing her room, crying, shouting things that made no goddamn sense. It was after her best friend betrayed her—helping Lily cheat in Princeton behind her back and blaming it on me.
But this is so fucking different.
Because it’s Loren Hale. No matter if he curses us both to hell, I can practically taste his pain that throttles his body. He says cruel things in hopes that we’ll say them back and hit him.
It’s that simple.
And neither Ryke nor Rose has to consult with me to learn this. We all understand him by now.
So no matter how much I want to throw Lo against the fucking wall for putting Rose in a state of distress, I can’t touch him. I can’t curse him to hell. I can’t punch him in the fucking face. It’s like abusing a kid that’s been shit on his whole life. I’m not going to add to those bruises.
I just need to concentrate on my girlfriend who breathes sporadically, tiny sharp gasps leaving her lips. I bend down behind her and whisper a line of French in her ear to gauge her response. She hardly pays attention, shuffling hurriedly through papers, accidentally smudging the charcoal on one. And her blackened fingerprints stain another.
She pauses in a horrific daze, and for a split second, my whole world tilts.
I make an impulse decision. I grab her around the waist from behind and lift her from the papers, most fluttering from her hands.
“No!” she screams, kicking out to try to reach them.
“Stop,” I force in her ear.
She screams again, a high-pitched wail that rips out my heart.
I only want to calm her. I grip her wrists in front of her body, about to whisper to her again, but Lo interjects.
“It took you twenty-three goddamn years to finally lose your virginity.” He pulls at another loose thread, this time, hitting me full force. “And you lost it to a guy that’s just fucking you for your last name.”
“LOREN!” I shout. My face pumps with an unbridled, irritated, hell-bent rage. I don’t think Lo has ever seen me this upset. I want to kick him as badly as he wants to be kicked. I would never go after Lily the way he’s going after Rose. She may be strong, but she has her moments of fucking fragility. And he’s purposefully breaking her.
His face immediately falls, blanketing with an intense guilt. His mouth opens, and I worry that an apology won’t be on the other end. I can’t have him tearing at my girlfriend anymore today. She can’t handle it.
I cut in, “Don’t.” The word is controlled and powerful enough to quiet the room. “Give me a minute.” I pick up Rose around the waist while she breathes heavily, no longer fighting me.
I glance back at Lo. He stares at the ceiling, his legs a little loose like they’re going to give out on him. Ryke tries to talk to his brother, but Lo just shakes his head and stares out the window. I look for Lily, but she stays seated on the edge of the bed, rooted there with a faraway gaze.
I set Rose by a vanity in our room, placing her on the bench.
“Darling,” I say, wiping her hot, stray tears. I hold her face between my hands while I bend in front of her, eye level.
She raises a shaking hand to my face, as though to say, give me a minute.
I take her hand and tenderly kiss each one of her fingers. Her eyes finally focus on me, and they soften considerably before she grips the sleeve of my shirt. I slide on the bench next to her, and she tries to hide behind my body so no one sees her splotchy face.
“It’s already past,” I tell her in a breathless whisper, my thumb skimming the black mascara beneath her eyes.
She once told me that as a child, she would lock herself in her closet after she fought with her mother. The arguments revolved around many things. Like her schedule for the day, being forced on a date with a boy she found repulsive, being made into a person she didn’t want to be.
She’d grab an old fur coat and scream, muffling the noises in the clothes. She made sure to have her mental breakdowns in private. Even in her madness, there’s still a level of control.
She takes a deep, trained breath, blowing out of her lips like she’s meditating. And then she grazes my features and says, “Thank you.”
My heart beats rapidly and I fight the urge to pull her away from everyone, this situation and the worries. To lock ourselves alone and find solace in silence. She frightened me tonight. I realize how easily this could have escalated. How it could have gone another way. What if it had? What if she writhed in my arms until her screams punctured the sky? What if I lost her to emotions so deep they’d swallow her whole?
I want to protect her. From everything, even herself.
Her breathing steadies, and I place a hand on her cheek and my lips linger on hers. She responds by shifting her body towards me, and my tongue encourages her lips to part. I grip the back of her head, pulling her closer.
We kiss desperately, and I draw her so near that she sits halfway on my lap.
She breaks away abruptly, her breath heavy, but at least she’s breathing this time. “I’m sorry,” she apologize
s for making a scene, for being a handful, for having a moment of pure panic. “I’m—”
“Human,” I finish for her. I tuck her hair behind her ear. “You’re human, Rose. We all are.”
I glance at the rest of the room. At Ryke, Lo and Lily who waver in uncomfortable silence. We have things we need to get to, but I’m not moving until she’s ready.
She holds my arm in a half-tight, half-frightened grip and nods to me.
“Let’s finish this then,” I say, rising with her, right by my side.
Where I always want her to be.
[ 36 ]
ROSE CALLOWAY
I may be calmer after Connor’s short talk and reassuring presence, but no one else looks as mild-mannered. Ryke has his arms crossed over his chest, staring between Lily and Loren who uncommonly start fighting.
She asked him if he drank booze. And the one question pummeled him backwards. Her words, her feelings towards him, mean more than whatever Ryke, Connor, and I can say or do.
“I just…I don’t understand why you wouldn’t get your pills to prove it,” she says in a small voice.
“So you’re going to take their side over mine?” he chokes.
“I’m not taking sides.” Her face contorts as she thinks about everything. “I just want the truth, Lo.”
“I didn’t drink.” He shakes his head repeatedly, but his eyes redden the longer he does so, telling us a different story. “But I can’t prove it. I stopped taking Antabuse months ago.”
“You did what?!” Ryke shouts.
Lo touches his chest in defense. “They were driving me nuts! I’m paranoid about everything I eat—if it’s accidentally cooked in alcohol. I picture myself puking from a shitty fucking meal. I can’t do that for the rest of my goddamn life!”
Before his brother can respond, Lo turns his attention back to Lily. “You have to believe me,” he says, desperation lacing his voice.
“I do,” she says, no hesitation.
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