Walking to my dresser, I pull open the drawer and move the stacked clothes to the side. A small box sits in the drawer. It makes my heart race just looking at it. Opening the box, I see the promise ring that Kate threw back at me last spring. My brow furrows as I put the ring in my hand, like I do every few weeks when I can’t get her out of my head. Holding the ring between my fingers, I stare at the band knowing what this ring once represented. A life with Kate. A future that I let go of way too easily.
Walking to the kitchen table, I take a seat and go over the breakup again and again in my head. I spin the ring on the table, thinking about her and the way she called Shawn ‘baby’. How mortified I was seeing her like that, arm wrapped around his waist, a smile on her face. That was not the woman I fell in love with. That wasn’t her at all. I was always afraid that I’d be replaced. And it was like everything I was afraid of came true right in front of me. All those weeks of awkward conversation and Shawn showing up at the bar. She always had an excuse for everything and I bought it hook line and sinker. What is my problem?
“Dude, not again,” Patrick says with a groan. He takes a seat next to me.
“Shut up, man,” I say, staring at the ring, not making eye contact with him.
“Enough is enough. She cheated on you, dude. End of story.”
“I don’t know,” I say, staring at the ring.
“What is there to know?” Patrick presses.
“Can we drop this, please?” I ask, grasping the ring in my hand and glaring at my friend. I know he just wants his carefree roommate back. But, I’m afraid that guy left the building about eight months ago.
“Fine, whatever,” he says, standing up and placing his hand on the chair. “Are you still coming out with us tonight? There’s a girl named Daphne who my friend Matt thinks you should meet. She’s pretty hot.”
“Yeah, I’m coming out,” I say, putting the ring in the box and walking it back to my dresser where I’m sure I’ll be visiting it again soon.
“All right, be ready in a half hour, okay?” Patrick says from his room.
Closing the dresser drawer, I sit at my desk, remembering the night that Kate and I argued and eventually made up on top of the desk. The memory makes me smile. I know that I should move on, I do. But, I’m not ready. Not yet. There’s a part of me that just wants to make it all go away, to forgive her and move on. But, then I realize it’s been eight months. She’s probably already moved on. With Shawn.
Without thinking, I walk to Patrick’s room and knock on the door.
“Hey man, I’m gonna walk down to the drug store. I’ll be back in a few.” It’s a lie, but it’s all Patrick needs to know.
“Getting some condoms?” he asks. “If you are, get me a pack. Extra large.”
I can’t help but chuckle. “Yeah, whatever, dude.”
I grab my winter coat and make my way down the block. Molly’s is only a few minutes away. I have to know what she’s doing. I have to see her.
Walking up to the front door of Molly’s, I peer through the glass door. I see her gorgeous face standing behind the bar, but the light in her eyes is missing. She looks sullen and distracted. She looks how I feel. I search the bar looking for Shawn, but he’s nowhere to be seen. I place my hand on the door to the bar and start to pull it open. Just as I’m opening the door, a few college girls walk up and I hold the door open for them, letting it close behind them. I can’t do it. I’m not ready to see her. Not yet.
Shivering, I pull my scarf back over my chin and make my way back to the apartment. Patrick is waiting for me.
Chapter 16
Kate
November 17, 2011
Four years ago today, Evan became my boyfriend. Four years ago today, he forced me to admit how I felt about him. I used to think that was the very best day of my life. But, now I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know how to feel. Everything in my life has changed, and I’m in a weird state of limbo.
We’ve been apart for a year and a half now, but it feels like a decade. I come to work every night and I take pictures whenever I can. But, there’s an ache that I can’t stop from pulsing through my body whenever I think of him. He came here with a date a few months ago and I was so beside myself I almost threw up in the back room. He brought a perfect little redhead into the bar. Why would he do that? Was he trying to hurt me?
“Kate,” Bree says, walking behind the bar, “just the person I’m looking for.” She’s got a mischievous smile on her face.
“Hey,” I reply, shaking off thoughts of Evan. They’re pretty constant. “What’s up?”
“My friend Brad is coming in later. You remember him, right? Chiseled face, big muscles, bright green eyes?” Bree asks, her eyebrows raised as she places pint glasses back on the shelves underneath the bar.
“Of course, I remember him.” I say, nodding my head.
“He wants to take you out.”
“Okay.” My tone is flat and Bree rolls her eyes.
“Will you go out with him, or should I let him down easy?” she presses.
“I don’t know.”
“Kate, it’s time to get past all of this. You saw him with your own two eyes. He sat right at this bar with that redhead. Clearly, he’s moving on.”
“I know, please don’t remind me,” I groan.
“I’m sorry, but you need to hear this.”
“That doesn’t mean I want to hear it. Please drop it. I’m doing fine on my own.”
“You’re wallowing, Kate, and that’s so not your style.”
Aggravation and frustration bubble up to the surface. “Bree, you don’t get it. I’ve had constant boyfriends in my life since I went on my very first date in high school.”
“What do you mean? You never told me that.”
“I have always had boyfriends. Always. This is the first time I’ve been single in almost ten years. I need this.” Bree doesn’t know about my cheating. I’m not ready to tell her yet. I might not ever be ready.
“Okay, fine, but it’s been over a year.”
“I don’t care,” I shrug, “I’m not ready.”
“Are you sure you’re not just waiting around for him to sweep you off your feet?” she asks, rolling her eyes at me once again. I really want to smack her. If I didn’t love her so much, I might do just that.
“I’m not waiting for anything. I’m just trying to figure out who I need to be. My entire life has revolved around the guys I dated. I’m finally by myself and I have no idea who I am.”
Bree places her hand on my shoulder, takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes. “You’re a talented photographer, a kick-ass waitress and my best friend in the world.”
“Thanks,” I reply, “but, I’m not going to go out with random guys like Brad just to get over Evan. I’ll get over him whenever the hell I get over him.”
“All right, fine.” Bree shrugs her shoulders.
A few minutes pass as we stand behind the bar in silence. Finally, Bree speaks softly.
“You’re making me nervous.”
I look at her in disbelief. “What?”
“I mean, you were always so tough. You were always so strong, and right now you’re so different. You’re not the Kate I’ve always known.”
“I might not ever be that Kate again,” I say matter-of-factly.
“Why the hell not?” she asks defensively, raising her voice. She’s irritated.
“Because I didn’t like her very much. I didn’t like that my self-worth was totally based on the guy I was dating. Evan changed that for me. He changed everything.
“But, he’s gone now.”
“That doesn’t negate the fact that he changed me. And now I can’t go back.”
“Back to what?”
“To the girl who hops from boyfriend to boyfriend. I don’t want that, not anymore.”
Or the girl who cheats. I’ll never be that girl again.
“Well, I happen to think you’re just fine.”
“Thank
s,” I nod. “I really don’t mean to be a buzzkill. I’ll work on it.”
Bree offers a simple smile before getting back to work. It’s almost time to open the bar, put on a brave face and push thoughts of Evan to the back of my brain.
Chapter 17
Evan
July 6, 2012
“I can’t believe you finally proposed,” I say, raising a glass of draft beer in Patrick’s direction. He nods with an amused smile. Patrick and I are listening to one of his favorite bands at The House of Blues. I pretty much live here on the weekends. Ever since Kate and I broke up, I can’t get enough of music. In some ways it feeds my pain, in other ways it numbs it. Sometimes Patrick joins me; sometimes I bring dates here or come with Hal and other work friends.
“You know me, it takes me longer than the average guy. Look how long it took me to ask her out in the first place.” He laughs, tipping his beer back.
“Chloe is a patient woman. That’s for sure.”
“Yeah, she was patient. Until I proposed. Now, she’s like a tornado. ‘Bride’ is her new full time job,” he groans. I can’t help chuckling at him. It doesn’t surprise me at all that Chloe is a Bridezilla. She seems like sunshine on the outside, but that girl is one determined woman when she sets her sight on something. And her current ‘something’ is a wedding good enough to be featured in the magazines.
“Relax and settle in, these things take time.” I do my best to reassure him.
“That’s the thing, she’s determined to have a holiday-themed wedding, so it’s just before Christmas.”
“Wow, that’s really soon, man,” I say, a little shocked.
“I know! Only five and a half months to go.”
“Maybe she’s afraid you’ll get cold feet,” I tease.
“Who the hell knows with this woman? I love her, of course. But, lately it’s easier to not be around her. She’s obsessed; completely consumed with flowers, invitations, dresses and venues. I’ve been working late a lot. Her mom is helping her plan anyway, so she doesn’t even notice I’m not there.”
He takes another swig of his beer, while I pat him on the back, not sure what else to say. I had thought I’d be married to Kate by now, and look at me, totally single and hanging out with my best friend who just got engaged. How am I supposed to give him advice? I’m a fucking mess.
Patrick clears his throat, and he looks nervous all of a sudden. After studying his odd body language, I say, “What’s with you? Why are you acting so strange?”
“There’s something I gotta tell you, man. And I’m pretty sure you’re not going to like it . . . at all.”
“Okay,” I say tentatively.
“Chloe’s planning to ask Kate to take some pictures at the wedding,” Patrick says and the beer that I was trying to drink is now thrashing in my throat as I begin to choke.
“What?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I start to spin my beer bottle.
“I know, I’m so sorry. But, she’s seen a lot of her work over the years and she wants some artistic shots taken. She won’t be there the entire time, I promise.”
“But, she will be there.” I shake my head and sarcasm fills my simple reaction: “Fantastic.”
“Yeah, but you’ll be busy doing best man shit. She’ll be off doing other things. And don’t worry, she’s not going to take any bridal party shots. I drew the line with Chloe. The main photographer will take those so you don’t have to interact with her at all, man.”
Patrick’s trying so hard to make the idea of seeing Kate tolerable, but I feel the bile rising in my throat and my heart is starting to pound. It’s amazing how just the thought of her still affects me in such a harsh way. Why can’t I purge her from my fucking head?
We finish a few beers and my anger has subsided. I have a few months to wrap my brain around seeing her again, so part of me is relieved. I’ve been curious about her for such a long time, it’s almost nice to have an excuse to see her. My mood starts to lighten as Patrick and I listen to the band. Across the room, I see a girl who looks so familiar. She has flowing blonde hair, a pale complexion and a tiny button nose. I know that nose. How do I know her?
Since breaking up with Kate, I’ve dated so many women and none of them have filled that hole inside me. None of them have made me forget her or even come close to it. But, I keep trying. Someday I hope one of them will make me forget. I just have to keep searching for the girl who can give me a fresh start.
The girl with the button nose starts to walk towards me, but she’s not looking my way. She’s headed to the bar, and I suddenly feel the urge to follow her.
“Want another beer, man?” I ask Patrick, who shakes his head and points to his glass that’s still three-quarters full. Quickly, I stand and walk towards the blonde.
She turns my way, just as I approach her at the bar. She glances at me for just a moment before looking away. I stand next to her, smiling, and ask the question that I know she’ll find ridiculous.
“Hey, do we know each other?” So lame, but I honestly think I know this girl. A grin is plastered across my face as I lean against the bar.
“Seriously?” she asks, taking a sip of her cocktail. It looks like an amaretto stone sour, the drink Kate despises like no other. She said it was the typical sorority girl drink. I wonder if this girl was in a sorority. I find myself staring at her tiny lips as she speaks. “You know how lame that sounds, don’t you?” She’s trying to look annoyed, but I see a hint of a smile crossing her lips.
“No, I mean it. I swear I’ve seen you before. Do you work downtown?”
“Yeah, I’m an intern at a marketing firm.”
“I knew it,” I say with realization, “you work at my company. I see you all the time, delivering mail and sandwiches and such. Am I right?”
“Yeah,” she says, looking taken aback and confused. “You work there?”
“Evan Maxwell, I’m on the third floor,” I say, offering her my hand. She takes it in hers and smiles.
“I’m Chelsea. Yeah, I do think I’ve seen you once or twice. I’m sorry I didn’t place you. I thought you were just using that as a pick-up line.”
“Well, I kinda was,” I smile, shrugging my shoulders. Chelsea laughs before taking another sip of her drink. I seriously can’t stop staring at her lips. They’re the perfect shade of pink, slightly plump and puffy for her face. I bet she’s an incredible kisser.
“So, how long have you worked there?” Chelsea asks. I like that she’s not blowing me off because I actually want to get to know this girl. I want to know more about her and that doesn’t happen often.
“Almost three years. You’re an intern, so I’m guessing you started this fall?” She nods and I can see her body starting to relax. She leans in closer to me as we speak. Slowly at first, but as we continue to share work stories, she is inching in bit by bit until our hands are almost touching as we hold our drinks. I’m so drawn to this girl. I don’t know if it’s her perfect nose, her puffy lips or her bright blue eyes, but I really want to kiss her.
“So, where are you from?” I ask, taking a swig of my beer.
“Lake Zurich. Have you heard of it?”
“Oh yeah. I’m from Arlington Heights. We weren’t too far from one another at all.”
“Well, I live in the city now,” she offers. “How about you?”
“I’m in Evanston. I went to Northwestern and I love that town. Can’t bring myself to leave it.”
“Oh, I love Evanston. The campus is incredible and the town has so much character.”
“Where did you go to school?” I ask.
“University of Illinois at Chicago. I just finished this May. I got this internship because of my school. They have connections, I guess. I feel really lucky because it’s such a tough spot to get.”
“Well, congrats,” I say, tipping my head and raising my beer. “Do you come here very often?” I cringe, knowing I’ve just dropped another cheesy pick-up line on this poor girl. Chelsea giggles softly to he
rself and nods.
“Yeah, I love it. I was a dancer in school, so I surround myself with music. I can’t even cook a meal without having my iPod blasting.”
“Wow, sounds like we have a lot in common. I’m obsessed with music. Can’t get enough.” I say, running my fingers through my hair.
“Any favorites?” Chelsea asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Oh man, I love just about anything. The Black Keys, ZZ Ward, The Fray and just about any band that plays here on a Saturday night.” I give her a questioning glance, looking to her eyes, hoping to have something in common with this girl.
“You like ZZ Ward? She’s my new favorite. I’m obsessed with her and Ellie Goulding. Those two women are so talented, I can’t even believe it.” Chelsea’s eyes are bright as she talks about music. It’s such a comforting sight, to see someone as affected by music as I am.
After talking music with her for about twenty minutes, I can tell Patrick is getting restless at the table. I made him come here tonight, so it wouldn’t be very good form to leave him sitting there all evening.
“Listen, I should get back to my buddy over there,” I say, gesturing towards Patrick, who waves at us. He doesn’t look surprised. He knows this is normally where I meet the girls I date. “Would you like to join us?”
Chelsea looks conflicted. She purses her lips before she speaks, “I’m actually here with my sister and some of her friends. I should find them so they don’t think I went home with some loser.” She laughs and then immediately covers her mouth with her hand. I let out a chuckle, seeing she’s obviously embarrassed. “I, um, I didn’t mean you, Evan.”
“No worries, Chelsea. Listen, I’ll see you at work, all right?” Chelsea looks defeated.
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