by Carmen, Roya
40
The first thing I do when I wake is grab my phone. My heart swells when I spot a small red dot with the number 1 on the corner of the Messenger app logo. My pulse races as I tap it.
Yes!
Hi Mischa,
Sorry I didn’t reply sooner. I was just so SHOCKED!! Anyway, I’ve thought things through all night and I understand why you couldn’t tell me. I look forward to seeing you today. Actually, having you there will probably make everything easier. :)
See ya later,
Ava
I couldn’t be happier. I hop off my bed with a bounce in my step and dash to my closet. I need to pick out the perfect outfit.
* * *
Renee and Ava are late, and Brian and I are sitting on a bench next to the hostess podium waiting impatiently for them. The diner is quaint, one of those fun fifties retro places. It was my idea — I thought that some place fun and casual would lessen the tension.
My pulse races as soon as I spot them through the window. Renee is dressed in a long flower patterned skirt, white blouse, and platform heels. Her long hair is flowing — she looks like she’s just walked off one of the pages of a J.Crew catalog. Ava is wearing jeans shorts and a pink tank top. And she looks absolutely terrified. And with reason — she’s meeting her biological father for the first time today.
As soon as the door swings open, we both stand. Ava shoots me a quick smile and swiftly turns her gaze to Brian. They stare awkwardly at each other for the longest time. Finally, he hesitantly closes the distance between them and reaches for her. She’s very shy.
When he finally scoops her up in his arms, he’s full of emotion. The sight of them in an embrace is too much for me to bear — my chest aches, my throat thickens. I close my eyes in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. Seeing the two of them together is kind of… freaky. They look so much alike. He’s probably better looking than she anticipated. When they finally let go of each other, Ava smiles sweetly at him. “This is kinda weird.”
He laughs. “I know… we’ll have to patient. I’m sure that eventually it won’t feel so strange,” he tells her, the words spoken in his ‘teacher voice’. It’s going to take a while until he speaks to her with the familiarity he reserves for the boys and I. Like he said, we must all be patient.
“You want to go sit down?” he asks her.
The hostess, as if summoned, is all smiles. “I have a booth ready for you folks. Follow me.”
Life throws curves at you, and Ava was definitely a big one. But I know we’ll be fine, all of us. There’s room in our hearts for one more, and the girl needs us so much. I’ve never had a daughter and I don’t have much experience with girls, but I vow to be the best stepmom in the whole state of Illinois.
Joel is not here. He’s likely at the salon. Or perhaps he’s taken a mental health day. I wonder how he is. I desperately want to reach out to him. But we both agreed we’d stay away from each other. Yet… he must need a friend right now.
The hostess leads us to a booth and we all slide in.
A server appears, all smile — a young curvy bubbly redhead with a nose hoop, smack in the middle of her nostrils. “How is everyone today?” she asks.
Good. Great. Fine.
Oblivious, this woman has no clue how fucked up our situation is.
“My name is Patsy, and I’ll be your server today,” she says as she hands everyone laminated menus. “I’ll be right back. I’ll go and get you started with glasses of water.”
As fast as she appeared, she’s gone.
We all flip open our menus. A long awkward painful pause fills the air above our table. I scramble to say something but I’m at a loss. I mentally scold myself for not preparing. “Um… everything looks good.”
“So… how’s school, Ava?” Brian asks, an attempt to strike up a conversation.
“It’s all right,” she says but doesn’t elaborate — she’s certainly not making things easy.
“I hear you’re a gifted pianist,” he says. “I’m a musician myself. Guitar.” Yes, since he’s been following her social media feed for years, Brian knows all about his daughter.
She smiles shyly, face buried in her menu. “I’m not that good.”
“She’s too modest,” Renee chimes in. “She’s amazing.”
We chit chat about school and her cat while perusing our lunch choices.
The server comes back around. “Have you folks decided what you’d like yet?”
“Uh… I’ll have the veggie burger,” Ava says. “And a Coke, please.”
“Would you like house salad, fries, or potato wedges with that?”
“Fries.”
The server jots it down and turns to Renee. “How about yourself?”
“I’ll have the same, with salad and a Perrier.”
The server smirks. “Sorry, we don’t have Perrier.”
“It’s fine. I’ll just have this glass of water.”
I order the BLT and a glass of iced tea, and Brian orders a regular burger and a Coke.
When the server leaves us, an another uncomfortable silence floats above our booth. “Uh…” I say. “This place is really cute. The boys love it here.”
Everyone nods. God, could this be more awkward?
“You have two half-brothers,” I tell Ava. “They’re typical boys. Trevor and Tristan. Fifteen and thirteen.”
She forces a smile.
“We’ll have to all get together soon.” As soon as we tell them about you.
Brian smiles tightly. Yes there’s a lot more upheaval coming up. But the four of us have always been thick as thieves. We’ll just need to make room for a new member in our little clan. Ava is shy today but I can tell she’s a wonderful person.
The lunch doesn’t go too badly at all, and as we say our goodbyes, a weight lifts off my shoulders. I feel light as a cloud. This is good, I tell myself. This is really good.
When Brian and Ava embrace goodbye, it’s heartwarming to watch. When they finally let go of each other, I reach in for an awkward hug. We leave each other with plans to get together again soon.
As we settle back in the car and head home, I exhale a long breath of relief.
* * *
I’d told myself that I would never reach out to him again. But there’s no way I could let him go through this alone.
I watch him quietly as his skilled hands dance on top of a young brunette’s head. The place is buzzing, and he hasn’t noticed me slip in. He’s serious today, not his usual chatty self. My heart aches for him.
All the chairs are occupied, and there are three other stylists at work. The woman at the reception desk is on the phone, and the lady sitting next to me in the waiting area is struggling to contain her very agitated toddler. I watch him intently, eagerly anticipating the moment when Joel will turn and glance my way.
When he finally does, his face falls. He stares at me for a beat and jerks his gaze away. My heart sinks. He hates me.
But I’m not leaving until I’ve had the chance to talk to him.
I watch him as he blow dries and styles the brunette’s thick long locks. She’s happy with the results, and he smiles at her as she heads to the cash register.
He glances my way again.
Yep. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere.
He reluctantly heads my way, probably knowing I won’t leave until he acknowledges me.
“Hi, Joel,” I say cheerfully.
“Hi.”
“I thought we could talk.”
He nods. “Why? What do we have to say to each other?”
“So much, Joel,” I tell him. “I’m so sorry.”
“You knew all along.”
“Yes… well, when I first met you…” I can’t get into all this now. Here. “Why don’t we go somewhere and talk? Do you have any openings in your schedule?”
“I was just heading for lunch.”
“Perfect. I could tag along and we could chat.”
He studies me for a bea
t. I can tell he’s curious. He probably has a lot of questions. “Sure,” he finally concedes.
We head to the deli across the street. We both order roast beef sandwiches and Snapples. I’m not planning to have much of it — I’m too wired to eat anything. We take a seat at a small table by the window.
He twists the cap off his Lemonade Snapple. “It wasn’t a coincidence when you first came into the salon, was it?” His sandwich has yet to be touched.
“It wasn’t,” I admit. “I wanted to meet you.”
He stares at me without a word, confused.
“Let me explain…” I start. I twist open my own drink. “I found a picture of Ava by chance, and I wondered who she was, so I went a little Nancy Drew and spied on my husband’s laptop. I found his browsing history and found Ava’s Facebook profile. At first, I thought he was having an affair with her… crazy, I know. Anyway, I wanted to know more about her. So naturally, I became quite interested in her life.”
He listens intently, his sandwich still untouched.
“I became interested in you and Renee by extension.” I’m careful not to use the word obsessed. I don’t want him to realize how crazy I really am. “And that’s when I decided to check out her store and your salon. I suppose I was searching for answers.”
He cocks a brow, still without words.
“It was when I saw the graduation photo of Ava at your station that I finally put two and two together, and realized she was his… the eyes, widow’s peak, chin dimple… Brian has it too. It all suddenly made sense.”
He nods again. “I see.”
“And then you invited me to your sister’s studio, and you were so nice, and I love yoga, and the rest just…” my words trail off.
“The rest just fell into place.”
“Yes… and once I got to know you, I liked you so much. I fell fast.”
He stares at me for a long beat. “I did too.”
“We had so much in common… it was inevitable.”
He nods quietly.
“I know we said we’d stay away from each other, but I’m here today because I want to know that you’re okay.”
A whisper of a smile traces his lips. “I’m okay.”
My heart swells. “Really?”
“Yeah. Ava and I have always been close. We had a big talk, and she told me that I’d always be her dad.”
“As you should be.”
“She told me that nothing would change, that she just has a new person in her life now, and that there’s plenty of space in her heart for the both of us.”
“Awww… that is so sweet. She sounds amazing.”
“She is,” he tells me. “And I’m happy that she’s finally met him. Did you know she’s known for six months that I wasn’t her biological dad. She’s been broken about it ever since. I didn’t really know what was up with her this past year. I thought it was all about her break-up. But she’s a new person now.”
“I’m so happy to hear that.”
Our sandwiches are still untouched, and silence falls over us as we both sip our Snapples quietly.
He shoots me a smile. “I’m still glad we met, Mischa.”
My heart sinks —it’s the way he says it, it’s a sweet goodbye. I don’t want to say bye to him but I know I need to. “Me too.”
“Maybe we can keep in touch on Facebook.”
I smile. “For sure,” I say, although I know I’ll be unfollowing him soon because I don’t want a constant reminder of him. I don’t want to take any risks. I have no desire to fall down that rabbit hole again.
He finally takes a bite of his roast beef sandwich, and so do I.
It’s surprisingly delicious.
* * *
Dr. Russell is absolutely stunning today — she looks like an angel. She’s wearing a long white dress, a silver belt and bohemian dangling earrings.
“How have you been, Mischa?” she asks as we both take a seat.
I stare at the photo of her cat, Lilly, a gorgeous white Persian. Every time I look at that picture, I want to hold her in my arms. “I’ve been very well.”
She smiles broadly. “That’s great. Tell me more.”
“Well, I finally had that heart-to-heart with Brian, as you suggested.”
Her face lights up. “And how did that go?”
“Great… at first, it was a little intense. We fought a bit. But eventually, we came to a conclusion together. We decided that it would be best for everyone if Brian and his daughter met, if he was a part of her life.”
She nods quietly and shifts in her seat, riveted.
“The two of us met with her, at a diner, nothing fancy,” I go on. “It was a little awkward at first for them, but thankfully I was there, as a buffer. And Ava and I had struck up a friendship already.”
She nods. “Interesting…”
“Yes, I reached out to her. She clearly needed a friend.”
“I see.”
My smile fades. “And Joel and I… we ended our friendship. No hard feelings. We still really care for each other. We both decided that we like each other a little too much to be friends.” Of course I don’t mention the hot leggings-sex. Even now, as I sit cross-legged, in my Ann Taylor dress, like the proper lady I am, I want to bite my lip at the recollection. That one is definitely staying in my spank bank until my dying days. “I’ve even gone back to my old gym.”
“That’s great,” Dr. Russell. “I’m very happy to hear all this. You’ve made incredible progress.”
I smile widely. “And I haven’t stalked anyone on social media in ages,” I add. “I’m almost normal these days.”
She laughs. “News flash, Mischa… none of us are normal.”
41
I don’t go home for hours — I need to take all this in, ruminate. I don’t often let myself mull over life but today’s an exception. I walk around Wicker Park, dash in and out of stores but don’t buy anything. I enjoy the beautiful almost-summer day, and I make a mental list of the great things in my life. Even after all we’ve been through, Brian and I are still very much in love. And the four of us are a tight unit — always have been. It is going to be a bit challenging to introduce Ava into our lives, but she seems like a great young woman and I have a good feeling about her.
When I finally get home, it smells delicious. Brian shoots me a smile when I step into the kitchen. He’s beautiful, standing over the stove. He’s in desperate need of a haircut but I love it when his hair is a little too long — it reminds me of our younger days. “I’m making spaghetti and meatballs.”
I take a seat at the kitchen table, next to Trevor who is diligently working on his math homework. “That’s great.”
It smells of tomatoes and homemade bread. The breadmaker is on, and the makings of a Caesar salad are sitting on the counter. Brian is busy stirring the noodles and the sauce. “It’ll be ready in about twenty minutes.”
We enjoy dinner and chat about our day. Brian and I have already had a discussion about the boys — we’re telling them tonight. After pie.
I can barely eat a bite of the apple pie I bought yesterday at the bakery. Neither can Brian. The boys are enjoying theirs wholeheartedly. Once they’re all done, they clear the table as they were taught to. Brian and I usually jump right into cleaning the kitchen but today we’re leaving the mess.
“Hey, boys,” I say as they finish up. “We need to have a talk.”
The talk goes as expected. We tell them everything, from the beginning. As anticipated, they’re both shocked, speechless initially. But soon enough, they’re full of words and questions. Trevor is angry at Brian. Tristan is confused. Trevor is worried that this will change everything. We assure him it won’t. Tristan is curious about Ava.
“Well, that explains why you’ve both been acting so weird,” Tristan says. “Weirder than usual.”
“Yeah, well, we should get back to normal soon enough,” I assure him. “This has been tough on us. And it will require some adjusting on all our parts. Bu
t we are still a happy family, a strong unit.” I insist. “We will still hang out, have movie nights, play board games, go on vacation once a year. Nothing will change. The only difference will be that Ava might join us once in a while.”
“When do we get to meet her?” Tristan asks.
“Soon,” Brian tells him.
They eventually both head off to their rooms, leaving Brian and I alone in the living room. He takes my hand. “This is kind of crazy,” he says.
“It is,” I agree. “Life is kind of crazy.”
He smiles. “And so are we.”
“Who’s crazier?” I ask. “You or me?”
He presses a finger to his lip, mulling it over for a beat. “Hmm…. that would be you.”
I laugh out loud. “Totally agree.”
He grabs my face with both hands, and kisses me hard. “But I love all your crazy… I always have.”
Epilogue
Six months later.
Ava is struggling a bit. She’s just as hopeless as her dad at this game. She’s on her sixth shot — par for the hole is three. She sets herself up carefully, and putts the ball gently. It slowly rolls in. She jumps for joy, in spite of the fact that she has scored six, which is the maximum. I love that about her — she’s always so cheerful, never gloomy. She’s a joy to be around.
Trevor and Tristan are both stifling grins. They’re much better at mini-golf than she is. Tristan easily gets par on this hole, and Trevor scores a four. Brian wraps an arm around my shoulder as we watch them. His turn is up next.
He needs to time his first shot perfectly — there’s a rotating windmill which will either let the ball pass or deflect it.
The ball bounces back and we all erupt into laughter, enjoying Brian’s misery. “You’re as bad as I am at this, Dad,” Ava says. She calls him Dad now, and he likes it. This is a very new thing and it feels a little strange for all of us.
Ava and I are standing side by side as we watch Brian struggle. She’s a lot taller than I am, but she could easily be mistaken for my daughter — we both have dark hair, a fair complexion and light eyes. And she is my daughter after all — it’s taken me a little while but I’ve come to think of myself as her mother, and she treats me as such. She often comes to me for advice about school, about boys, and we occasionally have lunch and go shopping together.