by Claire Raye
“Nora,” Alice purrs and flits her eyes back to the guy she’s standing beside. “This is James Winters and guess what?” she asks, but her voice isn’t her own. It’s high-pitched and sweet sounding.
“What’s that, Alice?” I ask, playing along with her.
“He knows Elliot McGunn!” she shouts and then lets out a giggle before jumping and tossing her arms around his neck, hugging him.
“Well, James,” I respond, giving him an easy smile. “I guess you’re the man we’re looking for then.”
“Guess so,” he says as he wraps his arms around Alice’s waist, sliding his hands precariously close to her ass. “His boat should be docking in the next hour or so.”
“Awesome,” Alice responds, swatting him on the butt as she moves away. “We’ll meet you back here in a few hours?”
“We won’t be clocked out until after four today, so how about you meet us after that?”
“Sure thing,” I say and Alice nods in agreement.
He gives us the details of where to meet him and Elliot, and Alice types the address into her phone. Although it shouldn’t be too hard to find the place, the town isn’t all that large.
Alice leans in and pecks him on the cheek and as we’re walking away, she shouts, “Make sure you shower before you meet us. You smell like a dirty crotch.” This elicits a riotous laughter from the men working on the shipping boats and the surrounding docks, and James gives Alice a wink and shouts back, “Will do.”
“Alice,” I say, smacking her on the arm with the back of my hand.
“What?” she asks, innocently. “It’s the truth. If I’m gonna end up shacking up with this guy tonight, he better be clean.”
“Something tells me he isn’t clean.”
“Jesus, Nora. Live a little, will you?”
A few hours later, Alice and I are on our way to the bar where James told us to meet him. A feeling of nervous excitement is fluttering in my stomach at the thought of possibly finding Elliot. Of course there is that constant nagging sensation that tells me it can’t possibly be him, but the dreamer in me has a small inkling of hope that it is.
We walk in and see James and Elliot sitting at the bar waiting for us. My heart races, a surging pulse in my chest as I feel my palms begin to sweat. I wipe them down the front of my jeans and exhale a long, slow breath.
It’s not him.
Alice turns to look at me, and her eyes are sympathetic when she takes in my face. “It’s not him, huh?” Alice asks, her hand taking mine.
“No,” I answer, but the defeat is absent from my voice. “It’s okay. Let’s have a good time tonight anyway.”
“You sure?”
“Yep. You told me to live a little, right? So let’s do that.” I smile at Alice and she clutches my hand tighter. After a few seconds she beams back at me and we head over to where the guys are sitting.
Alice immediately throws herself in James’ lap, her arms flung around his neck as she tosses her head back and laughs. She’s way too over the top, but he seems to be enjoying it.
I look away from them and my eyes connect with Elliot’s. I smile at him and shake my head, indicating how ridiculous Alice’s behavior is.
“I’m Elliot McGunn,” he says, extending a hand.
“Nora Mills,” I tell him as I place my hand in his. A small spark ignites with the touch of his hand, like my body is craving the feeling of being close to someone.
“I’m guessing I’m not the person you’re looking for?” he questions with a small amount of curiosity to his tone.
“No, but that’s okay. I’m good with just having fun tonight.”
He chuckles a little and slings his arm over my shoulders as we follow Alice and James to a table that looks out onto the water.
Elliot slips away from me a bit just before we sit down and as he looks at me he says, “I’m glad I’m not the person you’re looking for because when you walked in I didn’t recognize you at all. It’s a shame this guy lost out on spending the evening with you, but I lucked out.”
He winks at me and it makes my stomach flutter. As cheesy as his pickup line is, it makes me feel wanted; something I haven’t felt in years.
We all sit down together at the table and order a round of drinks and a few appetizers. The guys fill us in on their jobs, telling us all about the life of a commercial fisherman. Dangerous, boring at times, even lonely, but most of all, according to Alice, pretty fucking smelly.
After several rounds of beers and lots of stories, James asks how long we’re in Astoria for. Not expecting it, Alice blurts out the exact reason why we’re here. It’s not that I’m embarrassed about what I’m doing, it’s just not always necessary to clue people in on the full story.
“Just until tomorrow,” I add, attempting to keep the conversation from going any further, but that seems pointless because both guys are staring at me with that what-the-fuck expression on their faces.
“So you’ve been looking for a guy named Elliot for twelve years?” James asks and I can hear the confusion in his voice. I’m used to this.
“Yes. Well sorta. Yes,” I answer, my thoughts somewhat jumbled.
I’m bombarded with a series of questions, the typical ones I get when I let people know what I’m doing, and I answer them the way I always do—honestly.
Yes, I’ve been searching for someone I hardly know.
Yes, I’ve been doing it for twelve years.
No, I don’t know his last name. I never thought to ask.
But then Elliot asks a question I’ve never heard before and Alice bursts into a fit of laughter.
“Have you not had sex in twelve years?” Elliot questions, his eyes wide and I’m not sure if he’s excited about the prospect of possibly having sex with me, because surely I must be desperate or if it’s because he can’t fathom the possibility that someone could go twelve years without sex.
I too can’t imagine someone going twelve years without sex. It might be twelve years of looking for Elliot, but it certainly has not been a sexless twelve years.
“Fuck no!” I practically shout and Alice laughs even louder. I see a flash of relief wash over Elliot’s face and it makes my cheeks hot.
He’s cute in that scruffy, dirty sailor kind of way. I’m definitely attracted to him and as I mentally calculate when the last time I had sex was, I’ve already convinced myself that I’m going home with Elliot tonight.
I give Alice a quick look and she tilts her head toward the bathroom. We excuse ourselves and before the door even closes, I tell Alice I’ll book her her own room when we get back to the hotel.
“You’re taking the fake Elliot back to our hotel room?” she asks and the appalling tone in her voice is evident.
“Um, yes. You’re taking James back to the hotel,” I respond, accusingly.
“I am,” Alice retorts.
“I’m thirty years old, Alice. You’re the one who told me to live a little. Here I am doing just that and you’re making a big deal about it.”
Alice huffs and rolls her eyes at me. “I’m not making a big deal out of it. I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing.”
“Alice, I’m thirty years old,” I repeat, “and I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m about to get laid and for your information, it’s much needed.”
I shove the bathroom door open, not sure why I’m upset with Alice but something about her prying bothers me.
I know what I’m about to do. I understand the risks and the benefits and I certainly do not need her to try to sway me otherwise.
I miss feeling close to someone. The way my body reacts to the touch of a man, any man. I know this guy isn’t Elliot and right now that doesn’t matter to me.
“You ready?” I ask as soon as I happen upon the table. Elliot gives me an almost startled look, but then responds by standing up and taking my hand in his. We leave the bar together, leaving Alice and James behind.
“I assumed you were bailing when you headed to the bathroom with your siste
r,” Elliot finally says as we near the hotel.
“Nope,” I say, quickly. “Let’s do this.”
My lips crash into his before the door to the hotel room even has a chance to close. There’s nothing gentle about it and Elliot responds just as intensely. His hands holding my face firmly, his lips pressing hard against mine, everything about us is desperate.
Before I know it, my clothes are off along with Elliot’s and his mouth is exploring my body. Our breathing is coming hard and fast as his tongue and teeth graze the sensitive skin below my ear. I can feel his hot breath against my neck and it causes a shiver to run down my spine.
“Are you wishing I was him?” Elliot asks lazily as his mouth finds my breast.
“No.”
Yes.
“I’ll make you forget him,” he whispers in my ear and I moan in response.
No, you won’t.
“You’re not mine, but tonight you will be,” Elliot says, this time his tone is seductive and it almost works, but it’s just not enough.
I’ll never be yours.
It doesn’t stop me from following through with what I set out to do. This dulls the pain of not finding Elliot. It makes it easier for me to cope and makes me think there is hope for me to move on and find someone that could replace him. Someday.
You watch from a distance, like it isn’t your life, because you hope to forget. But it never fades, the memories, they’re always the same despite the change of the person.
He’s all I picture, all I remember and all I ever want. Something about my memories will never change, yet I need them to. I need them to disappear.
So I’ll keep doing this because it’s my only salvation from myself.
I wake the next morning alone and completely fine with it. As I lean over to grab my phone from the nightstand, I find a note next to it. It’s Elliot’s number and him letting me know he had to work early this morning.
It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing between us, and today, Alice and I will move on to another city and another Elliot.
The whole process starts over and with each city, with each person and each time I don’t find Elliot, I know the whole thing is over.
It was always a long shot, a pipedream, something I clung to when it was blatantly clear to everyone around me and subconsciously to me also, that I’m holding onto something that doesn’t really exist.
Chapter Seven
Alice and I arrive in California, crossing the border into the small town of Crescent City. Neither of us has said a word about me hooking up with Elliot back in Astoria and I don’t think it’s something that will be brought up. I won’t question Alice on what she did that night and she will extend the same courtesy.
This is our last stop, so I hand Alice the file and she begins to look through the paperwork.
“This one should be easy,” she says and I nod in agreement. “He’s a police officer and according to the schedule in the file, he’s on duty for the next twenty-four hours.”
Again I nod and Alice looks over at me wondering why I’ve been so quiet.
“You seem different,” Alice says, still staring at me.
“I think it’s over,” I say and the tears start immediately.
“What do you mean ‘it’s over’? It can’t be over. We have one more stop to make. You’re gonna give up now?”
I can’t believe how appalled Alice sounds and it makes me cry harder. It makes me understand that this has now become my identity. This search has become who I am and I want my life back.
“I’m done, Alice,” I sob. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”
My hands are shaking and my chest is heaving with each ragged breath I take in. I don’t know why I’m so upset, but I do know that this time I’m officially done. I’ve said it a million times before, but I can’t continue on this same path. It gets harder and harder as the years pass.
“Okay,” Alice responds, hesitantly. She pauses a few seconds before asking, “So, are you even going to see if this last one is him.”
“It’s not,” I answer, angry with myself and angry at the world. I feel like I’ve suffered for the last twelve years because of my own stupidity and probably because of bad karma or some shit.
“Why don’t we just check into the hotel and you can see how you feel about it in the morning?” It’s posed as a question that at the moment I don’t care to answer. Alice is being sympathetic and while I know she realizes the time I’ve spent on all of this, she also wants me to see it hasn’t been in vain. Yet it has. All of it.
“I don’t fucking care right now, Alice,” I snap back and she nods her head. Honestly Alice should tell me to go fuck myself. She’s spent nearly the last two weeks driving across the country with me, wasting her time, in search of someone I’m never going to find.
“I’ll get my own room tonight,” she says, softly. “I think you need some time alone.”
“Whatever.”
I roll over the next morning to find the sun peeking through the crack in the curtains, practically blinding in the otherwise dark room. I rub at my eyes, knowing it is far later than I’m used to waking up. I must have needed the sleep, because when I look at my phone, I find it’s well after eleven in the morning. I haven’t slept this late since college and the thought makes me giggle a little. It’s hard to believe I can still sleep until lunchtime given that I wake five days a week at six a.m. for work. I’m sure Alice is wondering what the hell I’m doing and is probably completely bored out of her mind.
I send her a text letting her know I’m just now getting in the shower and will meet her in the lobby of the hotel in a half an hour. I’m behind on the day already, so I need to move quickly if I’m going to finish up the person on my list. Oddly enough, I don’t hear back from Alice right away and I assume she’s already dressed and wandering the streets of Crescent City or she’s hit the beach.
When I haven’t heard from her by the time I’m finished showering, I begin to wonder if everything’s okay. While Alice can be flighty, she isn’t one to completely ignore me. Despite our differences and in the day and age of cell phones, I’ve always known that Alice is alive and well even if she was on the other side of the world. This isn’t like her.
She could be mad at me for the way I behaved yesterday, but I highly doubt that. She understands the stress I’ve placed on myself and while I didn’t mean to take it out on her, sometimes that happens, especially when she’s the only one around I can vent my frustrations toward.
I head down to the lobby expecting to find her sitting at a table with a cup of coffee or chatting it up with some single guy she latched onto, but I find nothing.
Growing concerned now, I send her another text asking again where she is and this time I get a response. She tells me she’s about five minutes away. And that’s all I get.
Alice finally makes an appearance, slightly flustered and out of breath, when she flies through the door of the hotel and into the lobby.
I’m sitting at a table in the corner reading a newspaper as she plunks herself down across from me and lets out a long exhale.
“Busy morning?” I ask, giving her a coy smile, but her face is impassive and I can’t help but question her further. “What’s going on?” All playfulness gone from my tone.
I see Alice swallow hard and run a hand through her hair. She wets her lips as if she’s trying to stall for time, as if she’s trying to find the right words.
“It’s not him,” she stutters out and I have to make sure I’ve heard her correctly.
“What?”
“It’s not him,” she repeats, shaking her head, her eyes focused on mine.
“How can you possibly know that?” I ask, already knowing what she’s done.
How could she find him without me?
I feel my face begin to heat up, growing red with each passing second. The anger is boiling inside me and this is not exactly the place I want to have it out with my sister over
her lack of boundaries.
I push back from the table, determined to put some distance between us before I scream at her in public. Leaving the hotel with Alice trailing closely behind and calling my name, I head for the beach.
It’s deserted along with this shitty little town. I can’t wait to get to San Diego so I can end all of this and fly back home. I’m so fucking sick of hotel beds and Alice’s endless company and fast food and all the other shit that comes with my never-ending need to find Elliot.
“Nora!” Alice screams and just the sound of her voice makes me want to turn around and punch her in the face.
“What?” I shout back, stopping so I can turn and face her. She falters slightly as she comes to a stop in front of me. I don’t think she thought I would stop and now that she’s faced with confrontation she seems uneasy. She should be. She has to know what she did was wrong despite my protests that I was ending my search. This was never hers to take on. It has always been mine and mine alone.
“I’m sorry,” she says feebly. And when I don’t respond she adds, “I thought I was helping. Saving you the heartbreak of finding out it wasn’t him…again.”
“Thanks for that,” I hiss back. I can’t even begin to process what to say to her. I’m hurt and embarrassed and angry. More emotions than I thought were physically possible to feel at once are burning through my body like I swallowed hot coals. “Get your shit together. We’re leaving,” I say as I stalk back to the hotel.
“Nora, please,” Alice begs. “I was only trying to help. You said you didn’t want to do this anymore. I couldn’t let you end all of this without finding out if the last one on the list was him. It would eat at you. Not ever knowing…” Her voice grows quiet when she realizes I’m far too angry to hear what she’s saying. “I’m sorry,” she whispers and as angry as I am, something in her voice breaks me down just a little bit. She sounds just like our mother.
We have at least fourteen hours ahead of us before we reach San Diego. The rental car needs to be returned in three days, which was set this way to give me time to visit San Diego and enjoy the last of my trip. Every year, I leave a few days at the end to stay at a swanky hotel, go to the spa and sit on the beach just doing nothing. Almost my reward or my recovery from all of this.